Final Fantasy Finishing School
by Ladygreensleevesd
Summary: You're going to be a Final Fantasy character, to do so you have to learn how. What happens when your teachers are crazier than you thought possible? A lot actually. Contains Advent Children characters and Jenova. Pleas Read & Review.
1. Roll Up Roll Up

Co-authored by Realtfarraige and Ladygreensleevesd.

This is our first fic, so please our feelings are easily offended but only when we're not being lazy enough to ignore them.

**Disclaimer:** All characters you recognise are the property of their respective owners. All OC's belong to us.

The characters will be OOC because it's necessary to the plot, although we'll try to keep them close to the characters you know.

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**Chapter 1: Roll Up, Roll Up.**

* * *

"They're here. 'Bout fecking time." Cid stepped away from the window as the grimy bus pulled up outside the school. Turning away he stubbed out his cigarette, lit up another and surveyed the two expectant faces before him.

"Well how do they look?" a lean eclectically dressed man asked. He was flanked by a younger man similarly attired.

"Why the hell do you wanna to know! Oh right it's your area of…um… expertise. They seem a'right. But very green. Literally", he motioned to a dark haired teenager getting sick out of the bus window bringing cries of disgust from the group.

"No, no dahling. I mean their hair. Can I work with it? I have a new set of curling irons that I'm just DYING to use. I need to explore my art, express my creativity, unleash my imagination. My soul yearns for…"

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!" Cid interjected brusquely. How he wanted to throttle the man. "Yes Mario, their hair is, as you say, _gorgeous."_

Mario's eyes lit up, he clapped his hands together gleefully. "Oh Fabio", he breathed to his assistant.

Cid rolled his eyes at the pair of them "Camper than a row of tents. C'mon you goddamn creampuffs time to meet them." This insult did little to dampen the two men's enthusiasm as they followed Cid down the stairs.

* * *

Sephiroth stood at the door of the bus watching as the driver unceremoniously dumped their baggage in the dust. "Wonderful. Yazoo won't be happy about his faux snake skin case getting all dusty." Sighing he went back on the bus and tried to wake his brothers with a series of finger jabs and pivot kicks.

"OWW! OWW!" Kadaj, the youngest shrugged awake disengaging himself from his still slumbering brother Loz. "So, are we here Seph?"

"Yes and don't call me Seph. Or Sephy. Its **SEPH-IR-OTH**", he enunciated each syllable carefully.

"Sure, you keep telling yourself that. Hey Yazoo!" Kadaj waved him over. The aforementioned looked up from where he was talking to a blond haired man and a young woman with long dark hair. "Your shoulder's wet. Loz must have been drooling on you".

"Gross! Ugh, Loz I'm gonna kill you!" And Kadaj proceeded to do so.

"Children, please!" the blond Cloud jumped between the scuffling two. "Don't make Tifa power drive your sorry asses."

"I haven't learned that yet Cloud. It's only the first chapter."

"Hurry up and get off the damn bus!" Sephiroth roared.

Eventually everyone got off the bus and stared up at the imposing red brick building that was to be their home until the writers ran out of ideas. "That's an imposing red brick building", Aeris wondered aloud.

"Hey that's the school motto", Loz pointed to the arch above the door where the legend "_Snapus, Crackleus and Popus_" was emblazoned.

"And that means?" Tifa raised an eyebrow.

"Mary had a little lamb" if my knowledge of Latin serves me correctly" Yazoo said smugly.

"Wow. Inspirational."

"Bah. That sucksus maximumus" a fully recovered Yuffie quipped.

"Quiet there's someone coming." Sephiroth glared the group into silence.

Cid came down the steps. "Welcome to Final Fantasy Finishing School where characters learn their trade and hone their abilities for the enjoyment of gamers. Which is just another way of saying we do feck all really." He took a cheek-hollowing drag and continued, "I'm not one for formal intros so just give us that goddamn Letter of Acceptance." Sephiroth duly obliged. Suddenly he felt a strange tingling on his scalp. Looking around he noticed everyone else did too. It was then that the group noticed the two neatly dressed men next to Cid.

"Oh my Gawd, what the heck was that? And who are you two?" Yuffie exclaimed.

Whipping his head around Sephiroth failed to realise the effect of the sunlight glinting on his hair had on Cid's companions.

"Oh my…. like mercury! Oh my….. Fabio…" Mario's right hand was clutched to his chest while his other hand was swatting uselessly in the direction of where Fabio had been before he had fainted in awe.

* * *

After resuscitating Fabio Cid felt it was better to keep Sephiroth indoors while it was sunny, that and it was time for lunch. With that thought in mind he shepherded the students indoors. They followed Cid's smoke trail as he led them down stone-flagged corridors to a huge medieval style hall.

"Sit yer skinny asses down there and drink some tea", he pointed to a row of benches.

Cloud didn't like tea and quite rudely said so, "I don't like tea."

"I'll say it again. Sit your ass down in that chair and drink your goddamn TEA! Time to meet your 'teachers'". He indicated to the crowd of people sitting at the top of the hall. "Right. I'm Cid Highwind, the principal of this fecking school until my parole officer says so. I run this whole operation and provide cigarettes." He threw packets of Marlboros at them for emphasis. "And these fine gentlemen and questionable ladies are the finest mentors that could be smuggled over the border."

"Cid you are such a flatterer." A strange blue-haired man said sarcastically.

"Shuddup! I'll introduce you first then. This is Seymour Guado, our groundskeeper and gardener."

"I am a **landscape architect**!" Seymour screeched.

"You keep telling yourself that. This is our resident nurse and masseuse, Barrett Wallace."

A large brute stood up. "You're in good hands with me. Hahaha."

"Hahaha", Cloud said meekly.

"What! His limbs are bigger than most peoples bodies!" a worried Aeris exclaimed.

"I'm not letting him crack my coccyx." Yazoo crossed his arms.

"Shuddup! Now these are our hair and beauty experts Mario and Fabio." Mario blew kisses and Fabio winked at Sephiroth."..the schools counsellors Reno and Rude." The two were slumped in their chairs. Reno was fondling a cattle prod. Cid drawled on "And our Fashion Gurus, this is Edie Okasha," Cid gestured to a petite Japanese girl in her twenties. He paused and gestured to the large Drag Queen next to Edie, "Ehm, this is 'Miss' Alex. "Ugh." Cid shuddered. "In front of ye are written tests as part of the selection system. You morons just gotta fill them out so we can gauge what yer unique talents are. You have five minutes and no joined up handwriting please. I have to read them all. Now **GO**!"

**

* * *

The Test**

"Damn." Sephiroth shook his pen and tried to get it to write with no luck. Suddenly a well-manicured hand placed a fluffy pink sequined pencil on the bench.

"Here you go sweetie."

"Um…thanks." Sephiroth watched Mario sashay down the aisle. He shook his head and started the test.

**Sample Questions:**

1.How do fires affect you?

2. Do you have any qualms about stealing another's property and/or identity?

3. There is a Hedgehog in front of you, what do you do?

4. Flowers make you want to……..

5. Do you have a strange affiliation with lawnmowers?

6. Are you interested in becoming a psychopath and/or becoming under the

control of the voice(s) in your head?

If you have answered **_yes_**, or just bothered to fill in the above questions you are insane, and therefore eligible to be in this school. **_Congratulations!_**

* * *

"I'm sure I failed that test!" Yuffie moaned.

Aeris rolled her eyes heavenwards. "How can you fail a test that was mostly about yourself!"

"Well it was hard work."

* * *

Cid leafed through the tests strewn about his desk. "Hell, I don't think that Sephiroth guy needs our help to become a villain. Yikes! What does he have against fecking Hedgehogs?

Mario leaned forward excitedly, " So, categories please! Who's the baddie and the goodie-two shoes?

Cid's headache was getting progressively worse and as such was affecting what little manners he had. "Listen Queer Eye of the Gay Guy, what do you care?"

Mario blinked, then putting on his air steward smile calmly said, "I'm a member of the style team, so even though you don't believe in appearances or at least looking like you own a bar of soap, I do. Now, categories please, my team have work to do."

During Mario's little speech Cid's neck had gone a bit red. "Fruitloop, I'm going to speak your language just so you can understand this. Eh………..No **(1)**, I don't care what you and this bunch of pansies, sorry Edie, have to do, you'll get them when I'm ready to give them to you. Oh and 'FYI' I own a bar of soap and more importantly I'm the principal and a captain to boot, so the last thing I need is some jumped up hairdresser telling me how to run this school."

Following Cid's rant, Mario stood up straighter, put his shoulders back and stared Cid straight in the eye. "I'm not just a 'hairdresser' as you so eloquently put it. Where I'm from they call me a 'Queen,' therefore I outrank you 'principal.' So, categories bi-atch!"

Cid could only stare as Mario strutted out of his office with the categories. Fabio followed Mario clicking his fingers, after him there was 'Miss' Alex saying "You showed him girl," then Edie and strolled out last trying unsuccessfully to hide her laughter. Opening the cupboard full of cigarette packs to get another cigarette, Cid couldn't help but shake his head and sigh at his luck. He leaned back in his chair and rolling his eyes heavenward, he said, "It's gonna be a **LONG** Fic."

* * *

(1) From "My Wife and Kids." 


	2. Getting to know you

**Disclaimer:** Anything you can recognise and buy yourself is not ours. Although we do take credit for somethings, especially Mario.

**To our reviewers: _gaypride(of lions)_**, _**can'tbebotheredtologin**_ , **_noirin_**, **_ninespiritualfires_** and _**chicita**_. Thank you so much for the reviews, here's the next chapter hope you enjoy it as much as the first. Sorry it took so long. You all get a free Mario style kit, so you too can look as fabulous as you should dahling!

**_

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**_Chapter two_**: Getting to know you…

While Cid was having his head bitten off by Mario, Reno and Rude were looking after the students.

"I don't know 'bout you Rude but I could use a drink." Reno was staring at Kadaj who was unsuccessfully, with the use of pie charts and graphs, trying to show how he was better than all of his brothers especially Sephiroth.

"I'm already on it." Rude handed him his coffee. Reno stared at it blankly, "I meant an alcoholic drink."

Smirking Rude pushed the cup into Reno's hand. "I knew what you meant; it's an Irish coffee, with extra emphasis on the IRISH."

Watching their 'counsellors' drink coffee like they had run a race in the Sahara the students could only wonder what the school was going to be like. "Right, anyone else worried?" Cloud sighed in relief as everyone else nodded. "Good, for once I'm not the only one."

At this point the assembly hall door opened and Lesley walked in. "Oh good you're all here." Reno and Rude strolled towards him. "Well if you're here I guess we're not needed anymore. Hey Rude do ya think Vincent has opened the bar? It ain't dark yet." Rude shrugged, "Since when has daylight ever affected _The Crypts_ opening? You know he's had the windows blacked out."

Reno rubbed his hands together gleefully. "See ya Les!"

Lesley could only shake his head at the pair, "Some counselors those two are going to make."

Turning to the students, Lesley took a deep breath before he spoke, "Well hello and welcome again. I'm Lesley the Vice-Principal and fitness teacher in case you've forgotten. I bet you're all wondering where you'll be staying. The school is divided into two main areas, there's the graduate section across the road, a little town we call 2D and you guys are in 3D, _The Archimago_. 2D is all Final Fantasy years 1-6; you are going to be years 7-X2. Okay when I call your name please move towards the four marks along the floor. Now F.F7 including future Advent Children move to the red mark; Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, Sephiroth, Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj. F.F8 to the blue mark; Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Quistis, Selphie, Seifer and Ultimecia." Lesley took another breath. "F.F9 to the yellow mark; Zidane, Garnet, Eiko, Freya, Amarant, Steiner, Kuja, Vivi. And F.FX and X2 to the green mark; Tidus, Yuna, Rikku, Lulu, Auron, Kimahri, Wakka, Baralai, Gippal, Nooj and Paine."

"Lesley", Rikku cooed, "you have to say the line."

"What? Oh all right. Y.R.P in position!"

After much shuffling and complaining (mostly from Kadaj due to being called last in his group) the students found themselves in the company of their fellow characters.

"Now I'm going to collect the rest of the staff so we can sort out your class teachers and clarify the living quarters."

* * *

The second Lesley was out the door the students started talking amongst themselves.

"This seems unfair, there are more guys than girls", Aeris complained.

"As long as they don't make me a love-struck girlie-girl I'll be fine", Yuffie considered, "oh and as long you guys don't try anything funny we'll get along just fine."

Cloud rolled his eyes, "Please, you'll get it much easier than the rest of us because you're female. I just know that I'm gonna be in a lot of pain."

**THWACK! **

"Ow", Cloud whimpered at the force of Tifa's slap.

"That was for your stupid crack at being a weak female."

"Ladies, you have nothing to fear for I will protect you", striking a superhero pose Kadaj winked at the three fuming girls.

Yazoo shook his head, "This is going to end in tears and manslaughter charges."

Loz nodded.

Sephiroth sighed as the girls started attacking Kadaj, "I'm surrounded by idiots of the highest degree."

Yuffie kneed the helpless teen especially hard in a very sensitive area. "OW, OW! My p..eh...pinky!"

* * *

"So we're going to be in a game together, should be interesting." Rinoa was hoping to start a more civilized and less violent conversation than the Year 7 group.

"Indeed, should be enthralling. I simply cannot wait", Ultimecia said dripping so much sarcasm a few drops landed on the floor.

Rinoa began to look hurt so Zell decided to stand up for her. "Hey she was trying to be polite and regardless of what you lot think I'm psyched!"

Rinoa beamed at Zell before looking hopefully at Squall.

Squall (the saviour of the lost art of conversation) just shrugged, "Whatever."

"Oh dear, did your boy scout not stick up for you?" Seifer sneered. "Poor Princess", jerking his thumb in Zell's direction, "at least the Energizer Bunny here will protect you."

"Hey!.."

"Zell cool it," said Quistis calmly.

Seifer was about to respond except Quistis snapped, "Shut it Seifer. You're not funny just annoying."

Meanwhile Irvine had a confused look on his face, "Hey guys, I'm having a serious feeling of deja-vu."

"Ya me too! I've a feeling we've been together before, but for some inexplicable and probably lame reason we forgot! It's really weird." Selphie was scratching her head.

"Whatever", Squall shrugged.

A dawning look of recognition came over Quistis' face. "I remember! Rinoa, you're my next-door neighbour and you kept stealing my garbage!"

"And Seifer is my flat mate! How could we forget?" Rinoa squealed.

"I just remembered you owe me money!" Seifer shook his fist at Rinoa. "Well you used up all my ginger nut and jaffa cake face scrub!"

"People, people", Quistis stopped the pair before there was handbags at dawn. "The reason we forgot is due to the GF factor."

"The GF factor?" Zell asked.

"Yes, Gonna Forget."

"That's pretty stupid."

"Whatever", Squall shrugged.

* * *

ANYWAY, back at the F.F 9 camp Zidane was unsuccessfully trying to raise Garnet's dress with his tail.

"Sod off monkey boy!" an enraged Garnet quickly tied Zidanes tail to Quina's ankle. Unfortunately for Zidane the food table still had something left on it, and Quina was hungry.

As Quina ran off with Zidane bouncing off the floor and trying to grab anything to anchor himself, Freya quipped, "Hey Jungle boy, I wouldn't do that. Quina'll keep on running and you'll lose your tail."

Zidane saw no other way out so he curled up into a ball and hoped that limited the damage caused by being beaten off the floor.

The group laughed at Zidane's face when Quina took a sharp corner and he slammed into the table.

The sudden strains of 'Vogue' by Madonna caught everyone's attention.

"Strike the pose." Kuja started pouting when he noticed an eyebrow hair sticking up. Licking his thumb and pinky he rubbed them down his brows to smooth them.

"Kuja, is that one of the silver tea trays?" Eiko tried to have a look but almost got her hand ripped off.

Kuja glared at them, daring anyone to touch his 'mirror' again.

"Ok, maybe we should just leave those two alone." Freya moved the group a few steps from Kuja so he and his reflection could have some 'alone time'.

* * *

"Honestly, kids nowadays. No control", Lulu pursed her lips and smoothed out her floral print dress so that an ankle could be seen ad cast a disdainful eye at the other Final Fantasy groups.

"This…is…a…nice…place."

"Erm, Yuna why do you talk like that?" Tidus queried.

"I…don't…know. I…guess…I'm…just…a…massive…fan…of…Captain…Kirk."

"Riiiigghht." Tidus wandered over to an impeccably dressed red haired man. "So Wakka what sort of a character do you think you'll be?"

"Hmph. A person as cultured and refined as _moi _could only be the most wise and respected character, with only the best lines, hair and dress sense. I mean honestly, look at me, could I be anything else?"

"So what about you Kimahri? You could be a really interesting character with a lot of depth and a complete disregard for personal pronouns."

"Kimahri no care. Kimahri can be made into rug for all Kimahri care cos loan sharks all over Kimahri's back. Damn the Las Vegas. Kimahri love the Las Vegas. Kimahri want to have babies with the Las Vegas."

The rest of the group let out a collective shudder at Kimahri and the thought of him spawning anything, let alone with a city.

"Ooookay", Tidus backed away slowly. "Jeez, we're a mixed bag."

Looking around he sat down and waited for Lesley to come back. Zidane by this time was battered unconscious.

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Damn", Lesley swore and rubbed his sore elbow. The way down to _The_ _Crypt _was pitch black and littered with the garden gnomes Vincent was fond of collecting. It was one of the great mysteries how a usually wasted Reno and Rude managed to find their way back without any major mishaps. If they bothered to come back at all. Lesley was adamant that the living arrangements could be made without the input of Laurel and Hardy. But, inexplicably Cid had put the unreliable two in charge. He reached the bar door and stumbled into the darkness. Lesley followed the glow in the dark stickers towards the bar where Vincent was polishing glasses

"_Don't know why he bothers. It's too dark to see the dirt anyway"_, Lesley thought sourly.

Besides Vincent's only two regulars would drink anything strong and liquid. Reno, in particular, had a fondness for Mr. Muscle.

"Lesley", Vincent nodded. He was wearing a t-shirt with the glowing words _"Wilt thou kiss me in the dark baby?" _written on it.

"Hmm…business is brisk" Lesley inquired.

"Haha. I forgot how to laugh. I presume you're looking for R&R? Well, your standing on Rude and Reno's in the little vampire's room. Wait here he is."

"Wow Lesley. Never sheen ou dhown 'ere, Reno slurred, "shit down." "I'd rather not", he removed Reno's more –than- companionable arm from around his shoulders.

"Listen up you two!" Lesley put on his most threatening voice; which when your voice sounds as squeaky as his does isn't very threatening; as he looked from Reno (slumped over a chair) to Rude (still on the floor). "Cid, in his infinite wisdom, put you in charge of the sleeping arrangements. I would like to see your plan."

"Shure ting Boss", Rude said from the floor. He rummaged in his suit and handed a piece of paper to him.

Lesley, with the aid of a lava lamp, scanned over it. And again, this time with a panicky look on his face. "Oh dear. Right then. Reno. Rude. **This is a** **Chinese takeaway menu!" **Lesley's voice climbed an octave higher.

"Now, whait. I can exshplain," Reno said.

"No you can't!" Lesley screamed. "What were you planning on doing? Putting them in the Peking Duck suite!"

"Yah kno dhat shounds gud, I'll hav shum too."

"What am I going to do? These students need a place to stay."

Vincent laughed darkly, "That's the least of your problems, the dorms onlyhave room for half your students."

"What!"

"It's okay, yhou kin jus'…."

**THUMP.**

"Reno? Reno, perfect! Now is the perfect time to black out. There's no reason to even ask your partner in crime as he's with you on the floor."

Lesley started to pace furiously, shooting murderous glances towards the pair every now and then. Vincent sighed melodramatically at Lesley. "You're disturbing the vibe of my place."

"I'm what! Listen, you don't seem to understand the implications of Tweedledum and Tweedledee's actions or lack thereof, I have a bunch of students with no place to put them."

"Gather everyone together. I just may be able to help you."

"You can! Oh Vincent, you're an angel!"

"Just keep the happiness and gratitude to a minimum. I have a reputation and appearance to keep up", Vincent hissed at Lesley as he grabbed his outdoor kit. The kit consisted of a sun blocking black umbrella, factor 100 sun block, a long trench coat and an even darker pair of sunglasses than the ones that Vincent was already wearing.

"Here, you can carry this." Lesley caught the battery-operated fan that Vincent tossed to him. "Well, lets get this over with. The sooner I'm back the better. I'm going to be expecting a massive favour for going outside."

"Reno, Rude, get your asses out here. Cid is going to need an explanation and I'm going to need a cold compress from the stress of all this." The two groaned from both the pain of Lesley's kicks and the pitch his voice had taken. They followed him out of _The Crypt, _not hearing a word of his rant about them. They weren't ignoring him though; it was just that his voice was so high only dogs could hear it.

"Rude, I could really go for some takeaway 'bout now. How 'bout you?" Reno stumbled into the daylight with Rude not far behind him.

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**Please Read & Review.** We really do appreciate them! 


	3. I'm a Final Fantasy Character

**Disclaimer:** Nope. Sorry, we just can't seem to find those damn ownership papers anywhere. So, anything you know and can buy is not ours.

**Reviewers: **Our thanks to **_chicita_**, **_ninespiritualfires_**,**_ xtrememuzroom_**, **_Shahid_** for your reviews, they were much appreciated. Yes randomness is always good and we hope you enjoy the chaos that is chapter 3.

_**

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Chapter three: I'm a Final Fantasy character, get me out of here!**_

* * *

"So what you're trying to tell me is that those two messed up." Cid groaned at the prospect of cleaning the pair's mess. Looking at the two he wondered why he ever trusted them in the first place. Currently Rude was hiccupping every so often while Reno had taken up residence on the floor groaning and trying to glance up Edie's skirt. Each of the staff was thinking how they were going to fix the predicament they were in. Most of the ideas involved violence against the two counsellors. Either way an overwhelming sense of despair descended on the group, the presence of Vincent made sure of that. Once the mood had become severely depressive Vincent decided to save them.

"You know how popular reality shows are at the moment? As the others nodded their agreement, Vincent continued, "Why don't you have our own version. The moogles in the forest have built up their village enough that they have plenty of extra room. If you buy the houses you can house the surplus students there."

"How do we decide who goes where?"

Before Vincent could answer Lesley's question Mario's interrupted, "There is no way that Sephiroth is staying in the moggle village. I have plans for him and foliage accessories are not part of it. Imagine the moss that could grow in his hair and the tangles! I'm feeling faint at the thought," he was fanning himself dramatically.

"Would you be quiet" There's no special treatment for certain students, no matter how good looking, sexy, muscley or….", Edie stopped and giggled nervously. "Anyway Vincent go on."

Vincent raised an eyebrow. "That's where the reality show bit comes in. We get the students to race through the swamp and the first out get the dorms. The rest can then stay in the Moogle Village. Simple and think of the comedy value."

Cid looked perplexed while Mario and Fabio were simply disgusted.

"Well we have no other plan", Lesley prodded Cid.

"Damn it! Okay. Lesley, tell the students there's been a change of plan. And you two", he toe poked Reno, "ye're gonna be scrubbing up after Cerberus for a LONG time."

* * *

The three most put upon janitors in the world, aka Spiller, Denny and Lyonal were currently cleaning out the summons/aeons/eidolons/GFs (hereafter known as SAEGFs) quarters. Easily expendable, no job was too menial or dirty for the intrepid three. And they complained incessantly about this fact.

"Jesus, this is disgusting", a very disgruntled Spiller was cleaning out Bahamut's lavatory.

"It's gonna take us all day to this job", an equally smelly Denny was scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. No mean feat considering it was the size of an Olympic swimming pool.

"If his Royal Highness, King of Dragons, didn't spend so much time on the 'throne' it wouldn't take this long." Lyonal was valiantly trying to squirt Toilet Duck around the bowl.

The three laughed sourly.

Suddenly Bahamuts enormous head poked round the door. "Aren't you done yet? The Desperate Housewives omnibus will be on!"

"Well if you didn't drink all that Dutch Gold we wouldn't have a problem! And no we're not done!" Spiller waved his shovel at Bahamat.

"Do you dare mock me? Puny insects!" the dragon roared.

Bahamut took a deep breath, as if preparing to breath fire, and gave an earth-cracking belch blowing Denny into the toilet. He then took off on leathery wings leaving a whiff of lager-scented air.

"I'm not having a good day", Denny whined from inside the toilet. Lyonal dragged him out.

"Stupid King of Slobs. Wouldn't you think he'd change that vest of his once in a while? And that ridiculous paper crown he wears."

They went outside in the fresh air. "I can't wait to see what horrible job they have for us next", Denny said.

"You don't have to wait long. Here comes the next plot point." Spiller pointed to Mario and Fabio coming towards them.

Mario then sent Fabio away in the direction of Shiva's house and walked up.

"Hmm, don't like the looks of this", Lyonal was rubbing his temples.

"Since when would his Royal Hairness want to talk want to talk to us", Spiller said sarcastically.

"I hope to God his not gonna try and do my hair again. Its not my fault I have a bald spot", Denny backed up against the shed. "Eh hello Mario."

"Why hello darlings! Just the men I was looking for", Mario practically purred at them.

"We're going to die a horrible death because of this right?" Lyonal sighed as fate revealed what a cruel mistress she was.

Both Spiller and Denny nodded, the action displaced some of Bahamut's homemade fertilizer which nearly hit Mario. Dodging the mess, Mario decided to get to the point.

"Right, well I have job for you three. The student accommodation was cocked up by Reno and Rude, not that anyone's surprised. Why are you tittering? Anyways, Vincent, however has come up with a solution that involves a race, a sort of first come first served type thing…"

"Sounds fair enough", Denny interrupted, "do they want us to set up the tape at the finishing line?"

"Denny, they're lazy but not that lazy. So your Royal Hairpin what is it you really want? And how much are you gonna pay?" Spiller stared at Mario, who sighed dramatically at having his monologue interrupted.

"Fine, fine you caught me manicure handed, I want you three to interfere ever so slightly with the race. Make it an obstacle course. There are a particular few students I want to remain in the school under my watchful eye. You'll understand why when you see the photos."

"Photos!" Spiller couldn't hold it in any longer, and he burst into a fit of laughter. " The students have been here only a few hours and you've taken photos, as in plural? Unbelievable, you are one creepy little man. There are rules against student/teacher relationships you know." The other two nodded emphatically. (Though secretly they were dying to see the photos, especially Denny.)

"Minds out of the gutters please. Although judging by the state of you it might be hard, you seem to live there", Mario sniped.

Spiller lunged towards him, "Why you little…"

"Hey Spiller remember we don't hit GIRLS, no matter how much they deserve it", Denny said as he and Lyonal prevented Spiller from giving Mario a face-lift. With a shovel.

"Tch, fine, but now the price has tripled and we get paid by the hour." Denny smirked as Spiller's comment made Mario splutter and complain.

"You know that'll give you wrinkles", Lyonal informed a flustered Mario, who reached into his emergency vanity case to check to see was his wrinkle quota to a minimum. It was.

"Well now that you have an idea of what to do I'll leave you at it."

He reached into his bag again and brought out the infamous photos. Spiller and Lyonal looked at them wide eyed and worried.

"Right I suppose we better hop to it", Denny said, "The readers are getting bored with this talkie. Lets go! Onward to pain and possible dismemberment!"

* * *

After herding the students to the edge of the swamp Cid and Lesley gave vague instructions before retiring to the smoking room. The characters weren't too surprised at this sudden change of plan. After all anyone in possession of a mere moiety of their marbles could guess that the term 'teachers' was shorthand for 'deranged inept morons'. That and they had read the summary.

Sephiroth turned to his brothers, "You three stick with me. Who knows what's in here. If I lost you Mother would stop my pocket money. Here Yazoo", handing him a stick, "use that to protect yourself."

Yazoo looked at it with derision. "Right so you want me to protect myself with this? Why don't you just hire a Buddhist bodyguard as well!"

"Pfft, who needs weapons when you've me?" Kadaj was limbering up his skinny body.

"I'm a fighting machine!" he said launching himself towards one of the wimpier looking boulders.

Loz stopped him and sighed "the only way you'd be a dangerous weapon is if we picked you up and used you as one."

Cloud grabbed Kadaj's leg. "Say that's not a bad idea."

Aeris jumped in, "Stop it! While you dumbasses were having that enlightening conversation the others went!"

"Great." Putting Kadaj under his arm Sephiroth ran off into the swamp closely followed by the others.

* * *

The three janitors were cleverly camouflaged in the bushes beside one of their traps. Mario however was not. The trio nearly exploded when they saw Mario's 'camouflage.' Mario was currently performing pirouettes for the others to get the full effect of his outfit.

"Well do I know how to dress or what!"

"Or What!" All three answered simultaneously.

While Spiller and Lyonal could only squint at Mario's outfit, due to its brightness, Denny thought that enough is enough. "Eh you do realize that camouflage is green, brown and black. It is **NOT **hot pink, phosphorous orange and luminous yellow!"

"Humph, what do you lot know about style, you wouldn't know style if it came up and slapped you in the face."

"We may not know style, but we know insanity when we see it, I hope you like white Mario 'cause it's going to be the colour you wear for the rest of your life once people see that outfit!" Spiller retorted.

"Do you think I'd need the flash on to take a picture of him?"

"Nah, Lyonal I'd say your safe enough. If you put the flash on the glare might kill anyone who sees the picture."

"Ooh, it would be like the videotape in The Ring except it's a photo and ….. OW, what was that for!"

"That Denny was for insulting me. Really I would look much better than that little girl. Honestly, has she never heard of moisturizer or conditioner? I am a class above that." Mario pouted at the three, while they decided against telling him the girl was dead, they didn't want to listen to his speech on how you should look good regardless of life and death, again.

"Anyway, Mario where are you going to hide in that, that… what do you call it?" Lyonal couldn't even find a word to describe Mario's outfit.

"Now don't be stupid, I'm going to hide out in those pink flowers," Mario pointed at the giant Venus Fly Traps the trio had planted.

All three nodded through their tears of laughter. Mario wandered over towards the plants as the trio burst into hysterics at Mario being hurt regardless of where he hid.

Spiller decided to offer some advice as to the proper technique of hiding, "Dive in, head first!"

This sent them into fresh peals of laughter and it was another five minutes before they could stop, they then resumed their waiting for the students.

* * *

Spiller was chewing menacingly on sugar free gum while Lyonal was squinting through plastic binoculars.

"Here they come."

Soon the group came into view. Squall was pulling Amarant back by the hair while trying to free his arm of Rinoa's grip. Seifer was subtly tripping up Zell. Zidane (having not learned his lesson the first time. Or maybe it was the brain damage) was trying to raise Lulu's dress. She replied by embedding his head in a tree trunk. Selphie lagged behind shouting "Woo- hoo!" every so often.

Denny was incredulous, "Jeez. At this rate we won't need our traps to get rid of them. They'll do it themselves."

"Shh they're coming." As the mob passed in front of them the ground gave way sending them into a deep hole.

"What the hell!"

"Squall, save me!"

"Whatever."

"My dress!"

"Woo-hoo! I think I landed on a sharp branch! Tee-hee!"

"Ahhhh get her away from me! I'd rather have my head in a tree trunk."

The janitors high fived each other and ran off to commit their next pointless and annoying deed.

* * *

Sephiroth and co. had being running for 10 minutes before they came upon Quistis, Yuna, Tidus and Kimahri who were engaged in a vicious card game. Kimahri obviously wanted to win back he losses he'd suffered in Las Vegas.

"Do…you… have…any…fives?"

"Yuna Go fish."

"What are you doing?" Tifa roared at them.

Tidus stood up, "Well since we are so far behind the others we thought we'd never get a place so we decided to take it easy."

"By playing cards in the middle of a god forsaken swamp!"

"Yeah! And look at all the money I've won off Kimahri!" Tidus held out a wad of cash.

Cloud was rubbing his temples, "Okay. Well we don't have time for this. Let's go! I don't want to sleep in some damn tree house."

"Wait for me!" Quistis shouted, "I think I'll stay with you people if that's okay." Turning to the card players, "Well so long guys. Enjoy your human hair hammocks!"

"C'mon, we'll never get a place at this rate," Yuffie moaned.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later…

Emerging from the swamp the group was surprised to see so few others had made it. A rag tag group of FF8 and 10 characters were covered in what looked like panther scratches and Auron had a bear trap attached to his left arm. Eiko looked like she had been dragged through a bush, backwards. Selphie and Rinoa were covered in mud and tree branches. Apparently they had managed to climb out of the hole, (actually they just clung to Squall as he dragged himself out of the hole). Even the Final Fantasy 7 group (and Quistis) had their share of injuries. Cloud had severely sprained his baby finger, Aeris' sun hat was damaged beyond repair and poor Kadaj was covered in nettle stings after been used weed whacker style, by Sephiroth to clear a path through the swamp.

Of the 34 that had set out, only 15 or so had made it.

Aeris looked around. "Does that mean that we all get proper rooms?"

"Yes dahlings it does," Mario had suddenly materialized out of a cloud smelling like J-Lo's 'Glow'. He looked Sephiroth up and down appreciatively. "I must say, I didn't think those three follicley challenged egg heads could pull it off. But that doesn't matter now sweeties, you're all here!"

"Who's follicley challenged?" Yazoo asked with genuine interest, as the looks Mario was shooting at the group's hair eliminated them.

"What…. Oh right Fabio I'll be right with you. Gotta fly cutie-pie." Mario chuckled nervously at them, then with a wink at Sephiroth he disappeared.

"I didn't hear Fabio call him did any of you?"

"Yuffie, I think it's safe to say that that man marches to the beat of his own drum and the voices in his head get louder everyday." Aeris blinked in relief that Mario had gone and that she was no longer blinded by his outfit. "That is one strange little man."

The group all agreed with Aeris wholeheartedly about Mario's lapse of sanity.

Suddenly Tifa looked as if she had realised the meaning of life. "Hey, maybe it was those three guys we found handing out ropes and maps."

"Didn't they also have electric cow-prods and panthers at one stage?"

Kadaj couldn't help but shiver when Cloud said cow-prod as he was on the receiving end of one when he make a joke about one of the guys' bald patch.

Cid strolled towards the survivors and couldn't help but feel something was wrong with the picture before him. And it wasn't just Mario's outfit. Everyone should have come out of the Swamp fairly quickly yet only a handful was in front of him and they looked as if they had fought for their lives. Yes, he definitely thought something was wrong with the picture. He couldn't blame Reno and Rude he had sent them into negotiations with the Moogle Village elders, although this time he sent Lesley and Vincent with them, at least this way he could ensure that the school or students wouldn't be sold. However, Mario and Fabio were looking decidedly happy and there were three people, who worked at the school willing to aid, abet and supply alibis for the right price. This caper had Spiller, Denny and Lyonal's handiwork written all over it.

**

* * *

A/N: Dutch Gold is a lager. It has a full bodied flavour and distinct taste and is usually drunk by a certain underage segment of the population. What we're trying to say is it's cheap piss water. Of the lowest quality. Apologies to anyone who enjoys the taste and to the company, who makes it, but what we said is the truth.**

The Ring is a movie of which we had no part of except when we saw it. We do not agree with Mario's view of Samara, we thought she looked good considering the circumstances.

Mario has informed us that it was J-Lo's 'Miami Glow' he materialized out of and not 'Glow'. He was very upset about this mistake, not wanting to be seen using an out of date product. Our humblest apologies and to make up for it we've agreed to go around door-to-door selling his hair products. We'll be appearing on your door step at all hours of the night soon!

You know the score people: **Read and Review**.

_Ahh, go on you took the time to read it, just a few short lines on what you think, we love reviews. Really, we do. _


	4. A Hard Day's Night and Morning After

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own anything. sigh

Big thanks to all our reviewers **_Shahid_**, **_ninespiritualfires_** **_lsatho_** **_Ireland's Rikku Kitsune_**,**_xtrememuzroom_**and **_Mako Anime_**. Glad you're enjoying it!

**Shahid**: We've only watched the odd episodes of Desperate Housewives. We'll definitely be putting in more summons.

**ninespiritualfires**: We will be putting in more summons, so that means more of the three janitors. Mario and they have a special relationship. They want to kill each other. It's a special kind of love.

**lsatho**: Glad you like it. There is plenty of madness yet to come.

**Ireland's Rikku Kitsune**: We never planned to do a shoujo-ai type thing but you've put an idea in our heads. We might have a slight shoujo-ai thingy in later chapters you'll just have to keep reading to find out! evil laugh

**xtrememuzroom**: Contrary to popular belief we LOVE Kadaj. But have you seen the Advent Children trailers? He has the squeakiest voice ever. We fell about laughing when we heard him. And he's supposed to be the villain! Bwahahaha poor baby.

**Mako Anime**: That's a pretty good idea. We were thinking of something along those lines. But instead of voting characters out the reviewers could vote for them to perform a horrible task like cleaning out Bahamut's toilet or unplugging the sinks in Mario's salon. Cheers for the idea though!

**A/N:** Cos we're not going to get a chance to update for a while, due to exams, here's a longer chapter than usual. It's about two or three words longer…

_**

* * *

Chapter Four: A hard day's night and morning after.**_

* * *

"We should go look for the lost group it's already been 2 hours since the others came back." Edie stared nervously at Cid then back at the swamp.

"I know, I was hopin' they'd make it out on their own. So who exactly are we missing?"

"Well there's Amarant, Baralai, Freya, Gippal, Kimahri, Kuja and Nooj, Paine, Quina, Seifer, Steiner, Tidus, Ultimecia, Vivi, Yuna, Zell and Zidane." Barrett read from Fabio's carefully complied alphabetical list which also included the skin and hair type of those missing. "Man, you are through and you have nice writing. So dainty."

Fabio glowed in Barrett's praise. Taking a deep drag on his ciggie Cid explained his lack if searching. But only because sheer uncaring laziness just didn't cut it. "I need some people to help me search and others to keep an eye on the survivors. Lesley, Alice Cooper and Dumb 'n' Dumber should be back any moment."

Having just said that the four returned, Vincent making Rude cast a shadow for him to walk in.

Lesley came smiling towards the teachers, "Well that's sorted out nicely. Why are you all looking so glum? Is it Vincent? Let me tell you, Reno and Rude, since they spend so much time around him, have found a way around his depressiveness. Guess what it is. Oh go on guess. Guess! Forget it, you'll never get it. It's PROZAC. And I thought they were just stupid bums, but it looks like the alcohol couldn't kill off the few remaining brain cells they share. Hahahahahahaha!"

Vincent rolled his eyes as Lesley continued to laugh manically, "Don't worry it wears off after the first few times. Yet somehow I don't think why you all have the long faces."

Cid grinned wryly at Vincent and explained to him that 17 of the students hadn't returned from the swamp, despite it only been a 15 minute race. He also mentioned that he believed a certain trio were involved due to a bribe from a member of staff. The teachers, as one, all looked or rather squinted at Mario.

"What? Oh please, just because I'm wearing camouflage that does not mean it's my fault. Hehe. Honestly I was just getting into the spirit of things." Sighing in exasperation Mario glared at the group. "Fine I'll tell you something……I had nothing to do with what happened."

Seymour raised a quizzical eyebrow at him, "Right, then why are you covered in mud and scratches? Not even I get that way when I'm landscape architect-ing."

"I'll have you know dahlings that this look is all the rage on the Milan catwalks. Obviously some of you have never read Vogue. Shame really."

"But Mario I read the latest Vogue and I never…."

"Silence. Edie sweetie, of course you have not seen it. I'm ahead of the game. Anyway what do you lot know about fashion. You…you cheaply dressed, bargain bin, badly tailored, mismatched sorry excuse for fashion victims. Humph." Mario clicked his fingers and disappeared in a puff of perfume.

"Somebody needs some Prozac!" Lesley looked up from where he was telling the students about the wonders of the little pill.

"Give it a rest Lesley…if that is possible," Cid looked around and sized up the most able bodied students, "Okay here's the plan. Vincent, Reno and Rude stay with the injured students…"

Lesley clapped his hands, "Yay I get to go! I get to give out Prozac!"

Cid rubbed his eyes and sighed, "Barrett, if you please."

Barrett suddenly wrestled the protesting Lesley to the ground and restrained him with rope. "Boss will I get the strait jacket?"

Cid nodded and the burly man picked Lesley up and flung him over his shoulder.

Lesley struggled and tried to bite Barrett, who dumped him on the ground, clenched his fist and said "I pity the foo' that mess with Mr. B!"

Cid waved the pair away, "Enjoy."

"But…but…but the students and Prozac and Prozac!" Lesley's voice grew fainter.

Turning back towards the crowd, "Well thanks to that damn fool we've lost valuable time." He quickly sorted the teachers into teams along with the least mauled students, "We're to go into the swamp and bring back the bodies…I mean students."

* * *

Kadaj ended up with Seymour.

"You like lawnmowers?" Seymour quizzed.

Kadaj's eyes lit up and he nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah have you seen the latest model in _Love your Lawnmower?"_

"Seen it? I own it. Come on, they have plenty of people to search, lets go. I've a new mower and a field that needs to be mowed. So if you're interested I'll let you drive."

The pair ran off all excited about cutting grass as everyone else stared dumbfounded.

"Simple pleasures for simple minds", Yazoo mused.

"I always knew he was a weird one", Loz shook his head.

Sephiroth nodded, "Was there ever any doubt?"

Cid kicked them in the arse. "Quit yappin'! Hustle." And the intrepid Principal led them into the swamp.

* * *

It didn't take the searchers long to find the first few unfortunates. Freya, Kuja, Vivi, Ultimeca and Steiner were stuck waist deep in sticky black mud. Kuja was crying bitterly, "My mirror! I lost it! Oh woe is me!"

"Help me!" Freya pleaded, "He's been like this for the last 2 hours!"

Steiner joined in, "Finally! I was nearly going to do myself in listening to him!"

"Quiet!" Kuja snapped, "You do not know the heart ache I've suffered (sob)."

Cid was tempted to leave them there but then he figured that rescuing them would count towards his community service.

"A'right don't get your knickers in a twist."

"Too late", Vivi said.

Using ropes the searchers leveraged the four out of the clinging mud. Steiner lost his pants in the process. They were relatively unscathed except for Kuja who got a sock on the jaw off Freya as soon as they were on solid land again. Cid sent one group to accompany them back and carried on.

Further in rustling in the bushes revealed Baralai, Paine, Nooj and Gippal lying on the ground covered in bite marks.

"We were attacked by rabid moogles", Paine said weakly.

"Pray for Gippal."

"Remind me to take out life assurance."

"I like it when the monkey dances", a concussed Baralai said.

"Stop complaining. We found ye didn't we? Edie your team can look after them. The others have to be around here somewhere."

And indeed they were. They found the remaining students by the hole that Seifer, Zell and co had fallen into. Zidane's head was still stuck in the tree. He actually seemed quite happy. Yuna, Kimahri and Tidus had given up playing cards and taking up throwing mud at the group down the hole.

"I'll break your knees when I get out of here!" Seifer threatened while using Zell as a shield to avoid the mess.

Lulu was wailing, "My dress! It's ruined!"

Cid knocked Tidus' and Kimahri's heads together. It was his way of regaining control of the situation. "Bring those ropes. Get them outta there. You two!" pointing to Tidus and Kimahri, "Get the missing link outta that tree!"

After much heaving and groaning they finally managed to extract Zidane from the tree. He was covered in sticky sap but otherwise fine.

He went up to Yuna. "Hey pretty lady need a hug?"

"Augh! Get…him…off…me!" Zidane was clung to Yuna who not so gently was prying him off with a mallet.

Cid let them at it. It had been a long day and he was pissed off goddamnit. He lit a Cuban cigar and plotted against the janitors.

* * *

Back at the school Barrett was attending to all the injuries, some of which were increasing due to the person being so annoying. (Cough-Kuja-Cough) Due to the amount of injuries Barrett had an assistant in Miss Alex, whose only qualification was that she had a nurse's outfit. The pair also managed to keep everyone in line due to the fact that the size of them kept anyone from complaining.

The students with lesser injuries or none at all were rather bored. The started talking amongst themselves, but when Vincent came in and stood around being all angst like and brooding he attracted the attention of a few of the girls. They thought he was super hot and couldn't help but stare and drool over him.

"He's like so totally super hot." Eiko sighed and continued to stare at Vincent.

"I know what you mean he's just so… so…"

"Angsty."

Rinoa smiled at Rikku, "That's the word I was looking for, we should hang out together more often."

Yuffie looked at the pair, "Oh my Gawd I was gonna say that we hang out too. Hey do you guys like Shiny things? I like Shiny Things."

"Woohoo, I love Shiny things especially glitter. Woohoo Glitter!" Selphie stared at her bag which was completely covered in glitter.

"Yeah, Shiny things are good." Yuffie was now staring more at Vincent's shining buttons than at the man himself.

Quistis turned to Aeris and Tifa where they were standing a small bit away from the other girls. "Please tell me you don't like shiny things that much and that you don't think that Vincent is like so totally super hot especially cause he's so angsty."

When Aeris and Tifa nodded that they weren't like that, Quistis sighed in relief. "Thank God, I felt my I.Q. drop just listening to them."

Cloud looked at them, "You mean you don't stand around all day and talk about how hot you find us guys."

**THWACK**

"I'll take that as a no, shall I?"

"Well done Captain Obvious. Well done." Aeris shook her head at Cloud's stupidity.

"Idiot. How is it possible than someone as thick as you, is able to function everyday, without seriously injuring yourself or others?"

"You've only had to deal with him for a few hours, I've had to put up with him my whole life. It's given me a strong slapping arm muscle. Here check it out."

"Wow."

Quistis turned to Squall, "Hey you should check this out. It could give your Rinoa 'get the heck off me' arm a run for its money."

Squall leaned close to Tifa's arm, and then leaning back shook his head. "Whatever."

"Is that a challenge Mr. Talkative? I accept."

**THWACK**

Squall squared his shoulders, looked Tifa in the eye and said, "Whatever."

**Thwack**

"You hit a girl!" Cloud was amazed that Tifa hadn't knocked Squall into the middle of next week.

"So how are you going to solve this. Hmm, I know how about Mud Wrestling?" Kadaj looked hopefully at Tifa the looked at Aeris and Quistis. "It wouldn't hurt you two to get involved either!"

Seeing that the girls were going to murder Kadaj Loz quickly put him behind his back and handed him a copy of _Lawnmower Lovelies_. "I think he's suffered enough for one day."

"How about arm wrestling?" Aeris suggested.

"I'm in, you're going down."

"Whatever."

Both competitors took their positions, Reno and Rude came over and started taking bets on the winner.

Seeing that Yazoo had a betting slip Sephiroth was curious. "Who did you bet on?"

Yazoo handed him the slip, "Tifa. Have you noticed how dumb Cloud is? She's had a pretty good workout."

"I don't know Rinoa's fairly clingy." Loz showed his slip. "Hey Seph, who did you bet on?"

Raising an annoyed eyebrow at the nickname Sephiroth pulled out two slips. "I thought they were evenly matched. This way I win regardless."

The brothers turned their attention back to the match so far neither competitor had the advantage. The match never got further than this as Cid called for everyone's attention.

"This isn't over Mr. 'Whatever' I'm taking you down when this continues."

"Whatever."

Cid made sure everyone was paying attention before he began. "Seeing as we have rescued everyone, I think it's time we go visit those three idiots who caused all the damage today. Reno, Rude, Mario and I suppose your little lapdog Fabio, you're coming with me. Those students who were able to go back into the swamp, you're getting to go again. Somehow we'll get them to admit who was responsible although I think everyone already knows who it was. Vincent you're in charge until Lesley's rehabilitated or I come back. Let's go."

Everyone followed Cid out happy to be doing something, the only one complaining was Fabio at being called Mario's lapdog.

* * *

"My head hurts."

"Your head hurts you should try listening to yourself sometime." Spiller rolled his eyes at Bahamut as he complained about how he had the mother of all hangovers.

"My head hurts."

Lyonal looked at Spiller, "How much longer do you think he can go on for? I don't think I can take much more of this. It's your own fault for going on a bender!"

"Oh I'm dying." Seeing that he was not getting any attention Bahamut decided to talk louder. "Hello, I'm dying over here!"

"Promises, Promises. You've been telling us that for the last hour yet you're still not dead!" Spiller groaned as Bahamut stuck his head back in the toilet bowel talking about how his insides were going to exploded. "Where's Denny? If we have to suffer this then he should at least suffer along with us!"

"Don't know he said he had an idea about how to get rid of the giant moaning blob over there."

"Oh man Lyonal anything has to be better than listening to him go on and on and on and on."

"Yeah I hope that he gets back soon, otherwise I will not be held responsible for what I do to that sorry excuse of a dragon."

Just as he said those words Denny came strolling into Bahamut's Lair.

"Never fear, salvation is here."

Sensing that he might get pity from Denny Bahamut said, "I'm dying."

Spiller turned to Denny, "Don't believe him he's been promising that for the past two hours, he's an alcoholic and a pathological liar."

"Please tell me that you have a plan to shut him up that will work." Lyonal turned pleading eyes on Denny.

"Boys, of course I have a plan. You both remember IFRIT."

Hearing his name being called Ifrit came running into the lair. "Hey there you guys are. Where were you? Denny this is where they were. Oh you should have played soccer with us today. You're both better than Denny, at least ye don't fall asleep standing up."

Spiller had turned red with suppressed rage and his right eye began to twitch violently, "You mean to tell us that while we were stuck in here with him complaining all day while you were playing SOCCER WITH IFRIT!"

Denny backed up a bit as Spiller and Lyonal advanced on him. "Whoa, relax guys, I had to play with him to get him happy enough to listen to the plan. Oh and we have to play soccer with him for a month because of what he is going to do for us. Anyway who can resist that face."

Ifrit turned and Spiller and Lyonal felt the full force of his puppy dog eyes and calmed down. Lyonal sighed, "Fine what is the plan?"

"Ok. Ifrit, do you remember what to do? Good. Let's turn the table on its side and get behind it, excellent you still have your radiation suit on. On the count of three. One. Two. Three."

On three Ifrit shot a fireball right at Bahamut's behind, then he ran away. The dragon roared in pain and tried to fly away. Unfortunately his head was in the toilet and because he moved too quickly his head got stuck in the bowl. He managed to get his head free by ripping the toilet off the wall which released a river of sludge. The trio clung to the toilet lid for dear life.

"Hey Shit steward, I mean Shop Steward, maybe you should think about getting us a safety line or something."

"Denny need I remind you this was YOUR idea."

"Spiller I don't know, I think that Denny's right, I'm sick of ending up in crap. Maybe we could get jet packs or something."

They managed to safely manoeuvre the lid out the door by using the shovels as paddles. The lid was floated towards the edge of the sludge right where Cid, the students and teachers were. The trio smiled at the group who were all holding their noses, one or two having fainted. Denny and Lyonal's grins grew larger as Spiller addressed Cid.

"Cid just the man we were looking to complain to."

* * *

"Hello Boys. PFF PFF PFF PFF PFF PFF. COUGHSPLUTTERCHOKE Cid retrieved his cigarette from his throat, seeing that it had gone out, he relit it and started smoking it once more.

Denny applauded Cid. "Hey that was a great impersonation of Hannibal Lector. But if I were you I would take the cigarette out first. It's just a suggestion."

"Boys, I believe there's a small matter of what happened today in the Swamp for us to discuss."

Putting on the most innocent expressions they could, Lyonal turned to Cid. "Why? What happened?"

"Don't act all innocent with me. You three can be bought for practically nothing. What I want to know is who. Even though, I have a fairly good idea of who it was."

"We've been through this already. Humph… I've seen better looking trashcans than you…. Ugh, it's a terrible thing when a man's honour is called into question."

The three looked at Mario who pulled out a scissors and comb, showing them that if they said a word he'd give them makeovers. They shivered and refused to say anything to Cid. Sighing Cid unfurled a wanted poster, which had a picture of Spiller, Denny and Lyonal on it in a Charlie's Angel pose.

"Students please take a look at the, ehm, rather questionable gentlemen in front of you. Now are they the ones who caused all the trouble in the Swamp? And are they also the ones on the poster?"

All of the students nodded except for Rinoa, Rikku, Yuffie, Eiko and Selphie. Realising that everyone was staring at them and if wondering if they had enough brain cells to make a brain between them, Rinoa told them why she wasn't sure.

"I mean it doesn't look like them and anyway it could be anyone underneath all that that…."

Breathing deeply, Cid motioned to the trio who wiped away most of the crap with some leaves, "Now, Strike the pose. Cid's Aggravators."

The three janitors automatically pulled the same pose that they were in on the poster.

"Damn him, every time."

"How does he do it?"

"It's mind control. We should have never let him hypnotise us that one time."

"Ohh," the girls all nodded that it was them.

"Forget it boys, let's split. You'll never get us. Denny move your lazy ass, Lyonal's practically out of sight."

The group watched in amazement as Cid started laughing at the retreating backs of the janitors. Cloud turned to Cid thinking he had lost the plot. "You do realise your only way of knowing who put them up to it is currently sprinting away over there."

"Hahaha, they can run but they have already let us know who put them up to it."

"What, they didn't say a thing!"

"No Mario, they didn't need to. This tells me everything I need to know."

Cid held up a piece of paper on it was written:

**_Evil Plans to fulfil today_.**

**1.** _Get Bahamut_.

**2.**_ Follow Mario's plan to keep certain students in school. See overleaf for Mario's own handwritten detailed plan._

"You IDIOTS. Do your worst Cid. If I had the chance I'd do it all over again. I'm dedicated to my craft!"

"My worst, huh. Fair enough. Mario you have to be nice to Spiller, Denny and Lyonal. For a whole month."

"What! Noooo, you can't that's just so so…."

Mario collapsed into hysterics muttering about how unfair it was, no one had died so there was no reason to be so unreasonable.

"C'mon let's get back. Reno, Rude bring the drama queen over there with you."

The others followed Cid out of out the Swamp, Reno and Rude supporting a sobbing Mario between them. Everyone was just glad that the day was finally over.

* * *

It was late in the night when the students finally got to rest. They still hadn't got their bed rooms and were all standing in the hall.

"These better had be the best damn dorm rooms in the world."

"Nothing could make up for the horrors we've seen Cloud." Tifa shook her head.

Irvine, who was standing nearby butted in, "You think you've got it bad? I had to get examined by 'Miss' Alex. I'll never sleep soundly again."

Yuffie was hopping from foot to foot with impatience. "c'mon! When are we gonna get our rooms!"

At the time Cid and a few teachers walked into the hall carrying pillows and blankets. Suddenly he pulled out a pellet gun and fired into the air. The students bar a few clever individuals, ran around like monkeys with their arses on fire. Except in Zidane's case it was understandable, his arse was really on fire. He fell on the fire when Cid fired the pellet gun.

"Stop!" Cid roared. For fear of getting shot the students obeyed and slowly raised their hands in the air.

"Parley?" Yazoo said.

Sephiroth stared at his brother. "We really need to talk about your timing. For example, now. When a man has a pellet gun you do not antagonise him by quoting Pirates of the Caribbean!"

"Kid you're weird. Well I suppose you're wondering' bout the sleeping arrangements. Lie down. There you've found the floor. Here's some pillows and blankets. Congratulations you have a bed for the night. Good night."

"Huh, you expect us to sleep on the floor. Unbelievable, so what was the race today about? Isn't there some laws against this?"

Cid turned to Aeris and sighed, " Listen ask Reno and Rude about the child laws and why you're sleeping on the floor, 'cause it's their fault so direct all your complaints towards them. I'm hittin' the hay."

Looking at the counsellors, the students decided that there was nothing to be done and just went to sleep.

* * *

When the morning came, the students could only imagine what could happen this day.

Sephiroth rubbed his neck, "Man I had the weirdest dream, I kept thinking that someone was stroking my hair."

"Ehem. Morning everyone."

The students turned to find Mario sitting atop the table staring at them.

"**AHHHH!**"

The scream sent all the teachers running into the hall.

"What happened?"

Touching his hair, Sephiroth looked at Cid, "I don't think it was a dream, it was real, he did it. He actually did it. I feel so violated."

"Mario, can you not go a day without scaring the crap out of anyone."

"Say what you want Reno but I'm not the one who tied him over there to the Pillar, these little savages did." The rest of the teachers turned to find Zidane staring at them from the pillar he was tied to.

Cid turned to the group, "Do I even want to know?"

"Hey the Monkey Boy had a case of Jungle fever so we decided it was safest to keep him tied to the pillar and out of our blankets." The rest of the girls nodded at Quistis' statement.

"Never mind, just get dressed into your school uniforms and have breakfast so we can get through another day."

"Uniforms?" The students unwrapped the parcels at the bottom of their beds.

"Are those? Oh… Oh are these **LEIDERHOSEN**?"


	5. Stairway to Hell

**Disclaimer**: We own everything. (wakes up) Oh well, we own nothing. (sob.)

**_Big kudos_** to all our reviewers. If we could we'd give you mugs with our mugs on them.

**Sorceress Eiva**: Yes it is quite funny if we do say so ourselves, which we do often. We are very easily amused. Get your Dad to read the fic. Then you'll find out who's really insane.

**HypernatedRikku** Hmm a Rikku-centric chapter. We kinda have the next few chapters planned out but we'll definitely try to squeeze the idea in somewhere. It's kinda caused a plot bunny to grow, and now it's gnawing on our toes.

**Ireland's Rikku Kitsune** Glad we made you laugh; the shoujoai thing can be expanded for an Aeris/Tifa/Yuna thing. Yep that could work. The girls do have a faction it was something we had in mind when we first wrote it, don't worry there's plenty of entertainment from them to come.

**Xtrememuzroom:** The janitors are great they help when we want to cause some chaos around the school, plus they are our way of introducing the summons/aeons, etc. Smoking can kill you and we've tried to stop Cid but his nerves and Mario are at him so smoking keeps him from committing murder.

**chicita** We know the review's for chapter 3 but we have 4 posted so… You have our number alright, the janitors are our sarcastic commentators but they are so useful is causing mass mayhem too. Mario is our tribute to men who try to make the world more beautiful, one makeover at a time. Lulu and anyone else who maims the pervert monkey has our respect.

**Shahid:** We don't know the ideas just keep popping in to our heads and then the voices tell us what to write, so we do. More summons will be appearing and there is a Shiva and Ifrit scene. We've missed too many episodes of Desperate Housewives to put it in but CSI:Miami would lose to CSI:Las Vegas. Although now that you say it a CSI chapter would be a good idea, maybe a bit hard, but then we're never ones to do anything the easy way. We're assways that way.

**ninespiritualfires** Mario is currently spitting blood over having to be nice, it might kill him. Oh, the janitors are a special breed of stupidity. The girls will have a part in this chapter and they form a group. The reason we did it was 'cause there is that spunky, bubbly type girl in every game. Thanks for wishing us luck in our exams what we needed was a miracle or a natural disaster.

**Hana the Wreck** Yes, poor them, we are really cruel. The tears in our eyes aren't always from laughter sometimes it's pity. As for being an Elena fan the Universe is fairly big you never know what's in the next star system. Elena and a few others will be turning up in the fic as guest teachers, so don't worry she'll be here soon.

**Sorry** bout the long wait but we had to force ourselves to study otherwise we'd do nothing. So, now that that's over with, on with the fic! DUN DUN DUN!

**

* * *

Chapter 5: Stairway to hell.**

* * *

Having survived a dangerous swamp, the three janitors, Mario and 'Miss' Alex, the students could be forgiven to think that this day would be a little bit easier and a lot less painful. Poor fools.

Yes, indeed their ahem school uniforms consisted of soft leather short shorts, hornpipe shoes, colourful embroidered braces, knee high white socks, white shirt, and those silly Alpine hats with the feather in the cap. Needless to say the students were not very happy.

"Wonderful! I always wanted a pair of these!" Kuja picked his lederhosen up and hugged it, "this will go great with my complexion. And I must say the stitching is immaculate! Now if only I had my mirror."

"If only I hadn't signed up to go to this school in the first place." Yazoo said.

"Well it was either that or Hogwarts. And who'd want to attend that dump?"Loz corrected him.

Sephiroth, having recovered from his close encounter of the Mario kind, was holding the shorts and glaring at them as if it was a mad dog. "I can't believe we have to wear these. Haven't we suffered enough without looking as if we stepped out of "The Sound of music?"

"Hey, that's my favourite film! I don't think the uniforms are that bad." Kadaj had stripped off and was manoeuvring himself into the shorts.

"I thought I told ye to get dressed!" Cid was fed up with the students standing around.

Aeris threw a pair of braces at him, "Into these! Wouldn't that violate some indecency Act?"

Cid looked puzzled, "Hang on, these aren't the proper uniforms. I sent Reno and Ru…. Oh for feck sake can't you buffoons do anything right? Get back here!"

The pair stopped from trying to escape out the fire hatch, slowly turned around and sauntered over to the furious Cid.

Quistis shook her head, "Gee what a surprise, Reno and Rude actually messed something up? Whatever is the world coming too?"

"And I thought they were always so dependable." Cloud said

"You meant that sarcastically didn't you?" Tifa asked.

"Well no actually."

Tifa patted his head, "Its okay. You were dropped on your head when you were little."

"Repeatedly," Sephiroth muttered.

Reno and Rude stood in front of Cid seemingly unperturbed about how deep in the proverbial crap they were.

"Refresh my memory, why exactly did I hire ye two? Because the only reason I can think of is that only ye and a slightly overripe banana were applying for the job. I should have picked the banana. It would have fitted in with the fruitcake vibe of this place."

"How exactly did you become a principal? Was it collect 10 crisp packets and you get the job?" Reno sniped back.

"Quiet! That's between my attorney, the Supreme Court and me. Now to the matter at hand. What the bloody hell did you do with the proper uniforms! Look at this," he threw the braces at them.

"Well we were at this Oktober Fest.Ya know the ones with all the beer drinking and eating and buxom blond women in tight corsets."

"I got my hands around two pints either way that night!" Rude hooted giving Reno a dig in the shoulder. The pair high-fived and seizing the initiative legged it out the door before Cid could stop them.

Cid rubbed his eyes, "Why do I even bother? Sorry people, ye'll have to make do with those clothes until your costumes are ready. So get off ye're slow-moving asses and dress! Breakfasts in ten." He left in a cloud of smoke.

* * *

The students grudgingly obliged and donned the ridiculous clothes.

Tidus was looking at Yuna who was struggling to tie her braces. "Eesh, Kimahri has only the second hairiest legs here." He glanced at Kimahri, who was prancing around in his hornpipe shoes and shorts.

Lulu too was having trouble with the clothes. Firstly because she would never show her legs in public and secondly because it looked like the braces wouldn't accommodate her sizable assets so to speak. Zidane, still tied up, noticed her discomfiture. "Hey, you want help with those? 'Cos ya know I'll help you."

"Keep your comments to yourself chimp or I'll wrap that rope around your neck."

"Ohhh feisty."

"No, not feisty. But capable of committing murder when aggravated," Lulu emphasised the threat by giving Zidane the evil eye.

Yuffie was disappointed that the uniforms weren't shiny. "I'm disappointed that the uniforms aren't shiny," she said sadly.

"Don't worry," Selphie consoled, "I've glitter pens! Woo-hoo!" She had completely covered her shorts in glitter and was currently drawing a smiley face on the back of Rinoa's.

"Oh, Don't forget girls we need to have our letters painted on, Selphie."

Rikku turned to Rinoa, "We could put them here in the leather strap that joins the suspenders together."

When the girls nodded their agreement, Selphie handed out pens and they wrote upon their suspenders. Rinoa wrote a T, Yuffie wrote a W, Rikku wrote an A, Eiko wrote a T and Selphie wrote a S.

"Woohoo, S. That's the first letter in my name. Woohoo."

Aeris looked at the girls all standing in a line, "T.W.A.T.S. What does that mean?"

Eiko glared at Aeris, "Like, **T**eens **W**ho **A**re **T**otally **S**uper, TWATS. Duh!"

Quistis turned to Tifa, "I can think of a different meaning. **T**eens **W**ho **A**re **T**otally **S**tupid."

Everyone who heard burst out laughing as the TWATS continued oblivious to pretty much everything. Selphie was going to finish the smiley face on Rinoa's shorts when Rinoa interrupted her. "Actually could you draw Squall's face?"

Seifer who was listening to the conversation fell about laughing. "Hahaha! Nice one Squall! You've your face on Rinoa's rear end."

Squall was standing about trying to look cool and detached which was hard considering he was wearing leather shorts and white socks. He summoned up the best comeback he could muster. "Whatever."

"Pfft. Scary." Seifer said in mock horror. He stopped dead when he spotted Kuja rolling up his shorts even higher then they already were.

"Augh! My eyes! Tell us when you're gonna pull a stunt like that."

Kuja ran a hand down his leg. "Hmph. Don't say you're not impressed. Have you ever seen such toned calves?"

The entire hall had fallen silent and the students' facial muscles had frozen in shock.

"I'll take it from your silence that you have not."

Aeris was fiddling with her belt. "This is so embarrassing."

Cloud agreed, "This hat won't sit right on my hair. Wait what's that over there? Two flag poles?"

They were actually Tifa's legs.

"Great the one time I don't apply fake tan", she muttered.

Cloud walked over and covered his eyes, "The…whiteness…too…bright."

**Thwack!**

"Guess I should have expected that."

* * *

Mario had come into the hall to check on the students. He wandered over to where Sephiroth and his brothers were standing. Sephiroth had tried to get around wearing the humiliating lederhosen by keeping his jeans on underneath.

"I must say darlins' that those clothes are most becoming of you. But wearing your pants underneath the shorts is not allowed sweetie. That and the fact that leather and jeans do not go together. A complete fashion no-no. You do not want to end up on my Worst Dressed List."

He shook his finger at him while smiling. "I'm afraid they're going to have to come off."

Sephiroth backed away, "Touch me and I'll make sure your head comes off."

Mario disregarded the threat and made a beeline for him, "Listen I'm only looking out for you. I do not want my favourite student getting expelled for something as frivolous as bad taste. Now off with the pants!"

Sephiroth immediately jumped behind his brothers. "Protect me from that lunatic!"

"And bring him on us?" Yazoo asked.

"Uh uh. 'Fraid you're on your own bro." Loz said and the three ran away to a safe distance.

"Thanks guys. Glad to see such brotherly love and all."

Mario was still advancing on him like a zombie in a cheap B-movie. Sephiroth didn't want to hurt Mario; there was time for that later, for fear of being expelled and forcing the writers to come up with a new main character. Albeit, a much less good-looking one. He suddenly grabbed Zidane who was nearby stretching after been released from his ropes.

Sephiroth picked the randy monkey up and hurled him at Mario. They fell in a heap on the floor.

The hairdresser in a surprising show of strength threw Zidane off him, stood up calmly and smoothed down his lime green flares, flecking pieces of dust off. His voice was wobbly when he spoke, "Well I can not say how UTTERLY disappointed I am in you Sephiroth.I expected far more decorum from someone with such flowing locks. I would cry, but I can not. Botched Botox injections." Turning on his heel he stalked out.

"That'll keep him out of your hair for a while," Cloud said.

"Shut up."

"Okay."

Cid looked after Mario in wry amusement. Realising he hadn't had his customary 20 cigarettes and it was already 12 o'clock, he pulled out his trusty pellet gun.

"Breakfast! Now!"

* * *

After an eventful breakfast that had culminated in a slagging match between Rikku and Zell over who should get the plastic Golden Chocobo in the box of Chocobo Flakes. Cid had settled it with his usual panache by roaring at the pair and confiscating the toy. After all that's what he needed to complete his collection.

Now the students, resplendent in their lederhosen, were behind the principal as he began the customary tour around the school.

"Don't get lost, don't touch anything and whatever you see keep it to yourself. No point in everyone having nightmares. The first stop is the place you're sure to all get to know and love whether you like it or not."

At an audible groan from the group Cid continued with a flourish, "Yes! It's Mario and Fabio's salon!"

"Lord of the Ringlets? That's what it's called? I'm speechless." Quistis said.

Cid chuckled, "Of course the pair weren't happy they wanted something extraordinary and with pizzazz. But the best laid plans of men and mice."

"You used pizzazz in a sentence. Weird."

**THWACK**

Tifa glared at Cloud (who else). "Why Lord of the Ringlets if they wanted something extraordinary or at least normal?"

"Lets just say don't piss the janitors off. They were the ones who were going to be painting the sign. Mario stupidly hogtied them the day before and waxed their legs, this was their act of retaliation. Mario doesn't take humiliation well," Cid turned to Sephiroth, "Those three could save you from Mario, he hates them with a vengeance. The feeling more than mutual and anything to annoy Mario they're willing to do."

* * *

The students went up to the window and peered inside. It was a spotless, clinical room and everything seemed to be covered in plastic. Chairs, tongs, shampoo and those giant domed hair dryers, everything. The T.W.A.T s were mightily impressed.

"Ohhh shiny!" Yuffie clapped her hands.

"Can we go in Cid?" Rinoa asked.

"Afraid not. I don't have the authorisation to open the door." He motioned over to a giant steel door with numerous padlocks, ID scanners and levers. "As you can see, Mario takes his job quite seriously. Judging by ye're faces I think that's enough trauma for one day, lets keep moving."

The group ran away from the salon as fast as they could. Unfortunately sheer, abject terror has a way of clouding people's minds and they ran straight into the room where 'Miss' Alex would be teaching.

Cid was puffing and panting "I really have to stop smoking." he said before lighting up a ciggie.

Aeris was looking around with worried eyes, "Em Cid where are we? Is this a dungeon?"

"This is the Runway, where Alex will be teaching you to sashay as befitting your character."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow, "Where'd you learn a big word like 'befitting'? Besides I'm going to be a villain, not some sort of mincing weirdo."

Kadaj was about to open his mouth but a stern look from his older brother stopped him.

"Lets see. High heels that need scaffolding, heavy books, fancy headdresses, sarongs. You sure this isn't the torture chamber?"

"I'm with Yazoo on this one. Does any room in this hell hole look normal?" Loz said.

Cloud had come out of the toilet, "No. Pink towels, sequins, pink everything! And that's just the men's room! And it has double quilted toilet paper! I was so afraid."

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be needing medication to get to sleep every night after school?"

"Cos that's probably what's gonna happen Tifa", Cid answered, "keep moving. The sooner I get this over and done with the sooner I get to attend to important school business."

"Like selling off your stolen cigarettes before the Feds find out?"

"Exactly."

Without a backwards glance he herded the students out the door.

* * *

"What soul destroying, horror filled room are we going to visit next?" Aeris asked.

"Actually its one of our more normal rooms, but that's not saying much. Here we are."

He stood outside and pushed in the door. The pupils followed. Edie and another woman were having an animated conversation over on the other side. Sephiroth thought he picked up the words "leather" and "PVC". He hoped not, they were evidently the costume designers.

"Edie!"

"Hi Cid. Hi everyone. I'm Edie Okasha your costume designer and fitter. This is my assistant Rinni Currant."

"As in the dried fruit?" Cloud asked.

"Yep."

"Currants are alright but I prefer sultanas."

Kadaj interrupted. "You're crazy; raisins are the only way to go. Even though they look like rabbit sh-"

"It doesn't matter." Rinni waved her hand. "I'm also a member of the schools radio programme."

"Really? Didn't know the loony bin had a radio programme."

"Well…ya know…actually no. I just play records in my room and talk in between. But everybody seems to pick it up in their rooms. Some kind of internal intercom sound system."

"Errr fascinating. We have to go now. Run Cloud quite fast, quite fast."

Cid was leaving as well. Edie kindly offered to make him a new pair of trousers but the thought of her measuring his inside leg was too much to bear. "Get away from me! Out! Don't make me use the pellet gun!"

* * *

Outside Cid wiped his brow. "That was close. Well were nearly finished now anyway. I just have to tell you about the super secret lab, the super secret guest rooms and the super secret hot tub. Why are ye lookin' at me like that? What'd I say?"

The students shrugged.

Cid glanced at his watch, "Right well, the next place we're headin' to is where you lot and the teachers spend their free time." He motioned for the students to follow him toward the basement.

"I've seen horror movies and I know the one thing you don't do is go into darkened areas." Tifa planted her feet on the ground refusing to move.

Aeris agreed, "And judging by what we've seen so far Tifa has a good point."

"Ladies, I'll protect you nothing can harm you when I'm near." Kadaj puffed out his chest then walked towards the doorway. He took one look down and spotted a spider. He screamed then cowered behind his brothers.

The girls sighed, while Loz shook with laughter, "Real brave, you showed that spider."

Kadaj's head poked round the side of his brothers still maintaining a sizable distance from the spider. "You, don't (sob) understand. It…it … it has legs and hair and (sob) fangs that just wanted to eat me!"

His brothers shook their heads at his wails, while Cid tired of the hold-up picked the spider up. "Listen, I know he's your brother but what I want to know is how is it possible he is frightened of a spider that is less than a millimetre long."

All three shrugged their shoulders then Sephiroth slapped Kadaj to shut him up. It worked then realising he had been slapped sent Kadaj into fresh wails of "My face, not my beautiful face."

"Ehm Cid, do we really have to go down there? I mean I've seen enough dark places for one day and I don't think you have any cute boys down there, or do you?" Rikku looked hopefully at Cid.

"We could really brighten this place up a bit of pink paint and some lights, it could be real cosy."

Selphie nodded to Rinoa's suggestions then decided to add the most important one. "Ohh, glitter lots and lots of glitter. Buttons and shiny beads, woohoo, decorating and makeovers."

While the T.W.A.T.S. all "Woo-hooed!" Cid decided to end the matter by storming down the stairs muttering all the while about teenagers and needing alcohol. Sephiroth, Loz, Yazoo, Kadaj, Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Quistis lead the rest down the tunnel. The TWATS all followed Rinoa who had clung to Squall's arm; Zidane was taking advantage of the dark and using his hands and tail to attack any female in the nearby vicinity. However, he had mistaken Kuja for a girl and was now being carried unconscious by Steiner.

* * *

The group followed Cid who's torch glinted off the brother's silver hair, they were nearly there when Kadaj suddenly screamed and jumped straight into the arms of the nearest person, which happened to be Quistis.

"It's horrible, just horrible." Kadaj snuggled his head into Quistis' neck then looked back up at her. "You smell lovely, what perfume is this?"

Gritting her teeth in frustration Quistis glared at Sephiroth, Yazoo and Loz, "It's called "Death to Kadaj" and get him off me now!"

Sephiroth stepped forward and nearly had to break Kadaj's arms to remove him from Quistis' neck.

"But look at them, they are hideous, they kinda look like you Yazoo in the morning."

"Kadaj I'll think you find that you're the one who looks scary in the morning, Ask anyone they saw you today."

Kadaj was crestfallen at all the nods that Yazoo received.

"Listen I know this must be hard for you lot but really patience ain't a virtue I have so, hop to. These are nothing but Garden Gnomes, and yes Kadaj you look scarily like them in the morning."

They all started after Cid again Kadaj muttering curses at his back the entire way for saying he looked like a gnome.

* * *

Having groped their way successfully to the bottom, the students followed Cid into the Crypt where Vincent was currently polishing glasses. Vincent wasn't alone either as the entire staff was sitting at the bar nursing a much needed drink. They had managed to run down here when Cid was showing the students the super secret guest wing, and also showing them his office. But in regards to his office, he threatened them with extra classes with Mario if they ever tried to go there. Taking one look at Cid Vincent handed him a double whiskey and Lesley moved so that he could sit down.

"You don't know how much I needed this."

The students started to walk, or rather stumble around the bar trying to find seats. They managed to find the booths after Aeris disappeared into one of the shadowy corners and found herself on a seat.

The TWATS, however, were currently standing in the doorway of the Crypt transfixed by the way Vincent's buttons glimmered in the light of the Lava Lamps.

"There is cute boys down here… or at least a cute boy with shiny buttons." The sight of Vincent had made the terror of the walk to the Crypt much more bearable in Rikku's eyes.

"Wow. So shiny. Must steal or at least touch." Yuffie was instantly drawn to Vincent's clothes.

The TWATS all moved together towards Vincent who was refilling Reno's drink and was unaware of the impending molestation.

**THUMP**

"Oww."

"Woohoo the floor."

"Squall, help me."

"I hurt."

"Did anyone get the number of the truck that hit us?"

Everyone glared over at the TWATS who were currently lying on the floor after walking into the bar. In their lust for attacking Vincent they had forgotten it even existed.

"Ya know that's not the first time this has happened. Remember those college girls who got lost and Spiller, Denny and Lyonal found them before Odin did. They brought them here." Reno turned to Rude. "You gotta remember, those Goth chicks who wanted Vincent to be their leader and they would be his harem."

Seeing Rude's continuing confusion Vincent decided to help him out. "Tight black leather clothing, and even tighter corsets."

A dawning look of recognition made its way on to Rude's face. "Oh Yeah. Very Nice and tight. Hey, how come you never took them up on their offer?"

"I did remember we went to Midgar with them some guy who escaped from Hojo's lab stole them. Reno found the 'most beautiful woman' he's every seen there."

Reno turned his death glare on Vincent. "How was I to know 'she' was a 'He' only two months beforehand?"

Rude burst out laughing, "Lucky you passed out in the bar before anything could happen. Then we went to Oktober Fest."

"Ah, Oktober Fest. Good times and actual women."

Reno, Rude and Vincent's laughter was interrupted by the entrance of Spiller, Denny and Lyonal.

The trio turned a confused look at the bar full of students and staff.

Denny turned to Vincent, "I know there's not a lot of business lately but under-agers, I thought Reno and Rude had spent enough in here for you to retire early."

"Not to mention our own regular contributions." Lyonal added.

Spiller looked around the bar and found Mario and Fabio. "Hey look boys it must be happy hour at the Copacabana."

Mario was about to make a snappy comeback but Cid caught his eye, reminding him of his punishment.

Taking a deep breath Mario turned to the trio. "Hello boys. How are you all today?"

The three looked around suspiciously, Lyonal turned to Cid. "You're going to murder us aren't you? You found out about the time we helped Reno and Rude, drug you then shave every hair off your body. Judging by the look on your face I'd say you didn't know about that until now. Hehe, sorry."

"I'm gonna get you lot for that later. As for Mario being nice to you it's his punishment for the Swamp fiasco."

Denny interrupted Cid, "Fiasco nice work sounds like fiesta I love a good fiesta, it rhymes with siesta…"

"As I was saying, being nice to you three for a month is his punishment. Part of yours starts now. You get to take the students on the rest of the tour. Basically all you have to do is show them the outside grounds. Strangely enough they'll be safer with you three than with Reno or Rude. Have 'em back by dinner and in one piece if possible."

The students gulped at the last part of Cid's statement. Seeing how frightened they were Spiller tried to put them at ease.

"Don't worry you're in good hands."

The teachers' grins and the trios maniacal laughter did nothing to stop the impending sense of doom or to prevent the wave of terror from washing over the students.

**

* * *

A/N: Please Read & Review. We love reviews. If you have any ideas you would like to see in the fic please feel free to write them in the review and we'll see if we can work them in.**


	6. We're off to see

**Disclaimer: **We own it all, I tell you, it all. MWAHAHAHA. Now that that's out of the way, we own zip, nadda, nothing except a few OCs and places here and there. Everything else belongs to some very rich and lucky people who keep forgetting caring is sharing. HINT HINT.

**To our reviewers:** You guys are great thanks for reviewing. Since we took so long to update last time here's another one just for ye. We have managed to steal some Sephiroth hair clippings just for you guys. Of course this means Mario will kill us, but it was worth it to see him turn purple with rage. Because of course purple is all the rage this season.

**ninespiritualfires** Yes, random is good. Ideas pop into our heads and we write them down, maybe that's why this fic is a bit strange. The janitors are going to be introducing the summons; who are very different from the characters you are all used to. The students are in for much more torture. ;-D

**Ireland's Rikku Kitsune** Beatrix of FF9, I'm sure we can find a spot for her. Thanks for the idea. Your idea for the shoujo-ai should appear in about 3/4 chapters after this, well that's the plan anyhow. Thankfully we've finished our exams, but we know your pain over studying. Good Luck in your exams when they start. You'll be fine, you remember a lot in the exam, for us it was mostly pointless facts, but you'll be ok. (",) If you're really stuck fake a fit.

**Satti:** Thanks for loving our fic. Ahh Rinni Currant, doesn't it sound like broadcaster's name. Good ol' dried fruit jokes are hard to find though. What can we say; we're too easily amused.

**Xtrememuzroom:** Glad you liked that chapter. So a Vincent fan huh? Mr. Valentine and The Crypt will be making many more appearances in the fic later on.

**Shahid:** Thanks you've flattered us. We both write it but add in bits to what the other has written if needed. The CSI chapter is kinda hard at the moment 'cause we're trying to decided what the crime will be, we're thinking something about Selphie and the glitter pens, but we're open to ideas.

**Chicita:** Thanks for the reviews of chapters 4 + 5. Mario is our baby, we love him tantrums and tiara included. Plus he gives great fashion advice. Puppy dog eyes are a weapon of mass destruction that we intend to use to our full advantage. Ah, the Jantors what to say about those morons, hehe I mean great guys. Nah, they just allow us to put the characters into near death situations with their stupidity alone.

We would like to point out that we realised how pervy the last chapter was. We didn't notice it until we had put it up, it kinda creeped us out the type of filth that we spawned. Oh well, no- one has complained, so we won't. Anyway it's all in the name of fun. The idea for the Yojimbo bit in this chapter was given to us by ladyg's brother who wishes to be known as **Mr. Anonymous**. Sounds more impressive than the reality. On to the Fic. Tally- ho.

**

* * *

Chapter 6: We're off to see the Summons/ Aeons/ Eidolons / GFs,**

** SAEGFS for short.**

"We're off to see the Summons/ Aeons/ Eidolons / GFs, SAEGFs for short…." The students all groaned as they listened to Denny sing his SAEGFs song loudly and off-key to the tune of "We're off to see the Wizard." He was also trying to dance some sort of cross between belly dancing and the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Whatever it was it looked like uncomfortable muscle pulling.

"Make… him… stop…please… make… him… stop. He's…even…more…annoying…than…me." Yuna begged Spiller and Lyonal, who were walking calmly alongside the tortured students.

Spiller tuned to the group, "Do you mean to say you're not enjoying his singing? Poor Denny, do ye want me to ask him to stop?" Seeing the nods of desperation, Spiller smirked at Lyonal, then called to Denny. "Denny we have a few complaints about your singing back here."

"What? Complaints? Why would anyone complain about my singing?"

Lyonal took one look at the students who were sighing in relief that Denny had stopped. "Their complaints are mainly that they can't hear you."

Seeing the look of abject terror upon the group Spiller and Lyonal started laughing hysterically.

Tifa grabbed the front of both their jumpsuits, "You two deserve to be put down like the dogs you are. I cannot stand another minute of what he considers singing."

"Listen, you mightn't like how he sings but it's the only thing stopping the monsters from trying to attack ye to eat your pretty little necks."

The TWATS paled when Spiller mentioned monsters, Rinoa looked up at Spiller and Lyonal, while squeezing Squall's arm so tight he winced. "Monsters! What monsters? Nobody said anything about monsters."

"Well, who did you think you were going to be battling? You didn't think you'd be fighting each other all the time? You did, didn't you. Hahahahaha."

"Ahh, come on Spiller be nice."

"Lyonal the sooner they learn that this school isn't going to be nice to them, the easier their anger and resentment turns into grudging acceptance and dirty glares. And a lot of time spent at the Crypt." Spiller turned towards the students, "Anyway, of course the school has monsters, they live in the marshier areas of the swamp although they venture into the open areas occasionally."

Yuffie looked at the janitors, "If they are monsters, why did you let them out? We're not trained to fight them, oh my Gawd, we're sitting ducks."

Cloud shrugged, "I would have to say we're more standing ducks than sitting."

**Thwack**

Cloud turned to Tifa, "Do you have some sort of quota? Seriously, what is with all the hitting?"

"I didn't think it would matter much you're about as smart as a dodo bird, plus it gives my arm a good workout."

"Fair enough excuse. It kinda hurts the first twenty times. I must say though your arm is rather impressive."

Seeing that the pair had stopped arguing, Aeris turned to the janitors, "So tell us why you let the monsters free."

The trio stared at her as if she was clueless, which she was at this point. Seeing that there wasn't going to be an enlightening thought strike the students Lyonal decided to answer them. "Because it would be inhumane to keep them locked up all the time, obviously!"

The students could do nothing but stare at the twisted logic the trio had.

"Unbelievable! Here I thought that no- one was stupider than Cloud." Quistis was astounded.

Cloud turned to her, "Hey! Thanks."

"Let's just keep going, the sooner this is over the sooner we get back to the relative safety of the school." Sephiroth grimaced as he heard Denny take a deep breathe before launching into another song. This time he decided that "Bootylicious" was a more appropriate form of entertainment/torture.

The TWATS all clung themselves to Denny who was skipping through the swamp at this stage, stopping to shake his ass at occasional periods before slapping it and moving on. Selphie had her glitter pen out in the attack position. Any would be attacker would be glittered and made listen to their inane comments. Garnet had clasped Zidane in front of her ready to throw him into a monsters mouth without a moment's hesitation.

"I pity the monster," Freya said.

"Forget it! You three hold that singing loon, while I beat the lungs out of him. I'd prefer to take my chances with the monsters." Sephiroth glanced at his brothers who were all nodding their agreement.

Just as they were about to jump Denny he stopped singing and pointed at a familiar lair. "I believe ye have already visited Bahamut but he likes to complain to new people. Plus the place was a lot messier the last time ye stopped by."

* * *

Walking inside Spiller called out, "Hey lard ass, we brought some guests."

They came across Bahamut who had thrown himself theatrically across the couch; his head hanging down the side and his paper crown had been turned to pulp after falling into a puddle of Lager.

"Ohhh, I lost the will to live, there's nothing left for me here. (Sob) All I ask is that you look back on the time we've spent together fondly."

Denny crossed his arms, "Really? Guess those times cleaning out your cess pool of a toilet were the highlight of my life."

The janitors rolled their eyes as Bahamut collapsed into fresh rounds of tears. The girls all walked over to where Bahamut was lying consoling him. The boys stood towards the side, not really knowing what to do with a crying dragon. Cloud pulled out a camera and started taking pictures. "Ya! Work it baby!"

Aeris glowered at the janitors, "How can ye be so cruel this poor man… I mean dragon he's crying his heart out and all you lot can do is roll your eyes at him."

Spiller stared at Bahamut until the dragon made eye contact. "You're out of lager aren't you?"

The dragon nodded his head sadly. The girls stopped consoling him and started hitting him, to Bahamut's vehement protestations. Cloud kept taking pictures. "I wonder how much these would go for on the net?"

"I think we've seen enough of his royal pain in the arse for one day, let's go." Lyonal turned and lead the group outside.

"Wait, wait. The mighty Bahamut commands you. Oh for the love of alcohol, what does a dragon have to do to get some lager around here? Spiller! Denny! Lyonal! Stella! Stella Artois!" Bahamut heaved a big sigh before singing. "All by myself. Don't wanna be all by myself. Don't wanna live all by myself anymore…ZZZZZZZZ."

The dragon had conked out presumably to dream of lager and creatures that actually listened to him.

* * *

The janitors then led the students to a giant paddling pool where a huge scaly sea monster was writhing around. As they got closer they could distinctly see that the creature had numerous armbands placed along his body and on his fins.

Denny waved at him, "Presenting the legendary denizen of the deep, Leviathan! The terrifying sea monster that can't swim! Taa Daa!"

The group gathered around the pool where the helpless Leviathan was floundering around.

"A little help here people! Gasp I've got water in my eye."

"That is quite possibly the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. And that's saying something. After all I'm related to Kadaj."

"Hey!"

Loz thumped the teen in the back; "I'm with you on that one Seph. Hojo really dropped the ball when he created you."

Kadaj was indignant, "Just you wait. By tomorrow I'll have thought of a witty retort that will have you all speechless."

"Good luck. Don't stay up all night thinking of it."

"Don't be so mean Sephiroth." Aeris put her hand out and patted Leviathan's head. "Just because he's a sea monster summon that can't swim….oh wait that is pathetic. She broke into a fit of giggles.

"Lets all point and laugh," Seifer offered.

Everybody pointed and laughed at the poor washed up summon. "Hey stop it! I do have feelings you know. And you three," gesturing with his tail at the janitors, "thought you'd have more care than that."

Lyonal wiped tears away from his eyes, "Sorry Levi, just got caught up in the moment."

"So why exactly can't he swim. After all he is a water summon." Aeris asked a bit guiltily.

Denny took a deep breath and prepared to relate to them the long sordid story of Leviathan's misfortune but Spiller stuffed an armband into his mouth.

"Long story short Leviathan had the pleasurable experience of been sucked down the drain and ending up in the pipes when he was younger. And it doesn't stop there. He wriggled his way along and ended up in Bahamut's toilet."

The group let out a collective shudder as Lyonal continued, "So when his Majesty decided to attend to his royal business, that is joining the dots on the Funday Times,

what did he see only this great scaly head rearing out of the toilet? Bahamut said he never got over the shock and took to drinking to blot out the memory. That's what he said anyway and this unfortunate fish finger is terrified of swimming ever since."

Leviathan nodded his head and big tears ran down his snout, "It's all true. Ahh I've got water in my eye!" He pulled himself out of the water.

The TWATS went over to him and helped him blow his nose. "We'll always love you!" Eiko consoled.

"After all you're so glittery!" Rikku chimed.

"Woo-hoo! Huggles everyone!" The TWATS all hugged Leviathan and cooed and generally made fools out of themselves.

Sephiroth put a hand to his forehead, "I retract my earlier statement. THIS is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen."

"Don't speak too soon," Denny cautioned, "there's plenty more idiots to come. C'mon lets go."

"Bye! We'll come visit you!" Rinoa waved back not realising she was covered in scratches from the summon's scales.

Lyonal looked around, "Guess we'll head to Yojimbo's. He's the nearest."

"Ahh no. Not that hack."

"Rules are rules Denny." Spiller corrected him. "We have to show the students the entire summons even if some are complete morons."

* * *

The pupils followed tentatively. The majority had realised long ago that this excursion would not be easy. The lightning and weird organ music that had accompanied the teachers' maniacal laughter at the end of the last chapter made sure of that.

After a short walk they came upon the home of the very dignified samurai Yojimbo.

The janitors ushered the student's in. "Hmm this is a bit different." Tidus said.

Instead of the elegant wall scrolls, tatami mats and samurai swords that would be expected in the abode of a very dignified samurai there was a large disco ball and rows of folding chairs in front of a stage. Coloured spotlights ringed the stage.

Lyonal went to a door next to the stage. "Make yourselves at home the show will be starting soon. I'll tell him you're here. And during it please restrain yourselves from strangling, lacerating, stabbing and generally doing anything that ends in 'ing' to Jimbo. I know it'll be hard but try."

The students sat down and for a few minutes exchanged worried looks with each other. Suddenly smoke started rising from the stage, the disco ball started spinning and the spotlights danced around. Yojimbo emerged out of the fog and started dancing around to the strains of 'Call on me.'

"Good morning Final Fantasy characters! Hey how you all doing? I tell you it's great to be here!"

"Wait a sec, he's a clown? What sort of summon is that?" Cloud said in a rare moment of knowing what the hell was going on. Yojimbo was wearing a giant sombrero, clown shoes, a red nose and a pair of baggy dungarees. He was currently trying to break dance. He only got the 'break' bit right.

After recovering the samurai launched into his stand up routine. "Did you hear the one about Anima? Cos I didn't! Ahahahaha!" He then went around squirting people with his gag flower.

"Words fail me. I can't even think of a sarcastic retort. He's that bad." Sephiroth was looking around for a potential exit.

Zell was shaking Squall, "You're the hero man! Make him stop! Oh no he's started rapping!"

"Yo yo yo Yojimbo's my name and eh… something's my game. If you need me…um…wait a sec." Taking a breath he tried again, "Y to the O to the J to the erm…" He looked down at his palm were he had scribbled his name. "Is my name really spelt like that?"

Seeing he was losing the crowd Yojimbo resorted to the old party trick. The samurai put his hand on the hilt of his sword and prepared to draw it.

"Great now his gonna do Zanmoto and we're all gonna die." Denny's voice was strangely calm considering that he was about to be decapitated.

However before the audience could run away Yojimbo pulled out his 'sword'. "Taa-Daa!" It was actually a long balloon. "Ok I'm going to turn the balloon into something and you all guess what it is." After twisting and turning the balloon around he held it up. "Well?"

Rikku guessed first, "Um a poodle?"

"Nope. That's enough guessing. It's your small intestine!"

Yazoo stood up, "I know what it is. The last straw. What do you say Seph, can I smash a folding chair over his head?"

"With my blessings."

Spiller, seeing how Yojimbo was about to be murdered, jumped in front of the advancing mob. "Now hold on a sec. You can't hurt him, he's school property. Besides you might need him some day Yuna."

"I… doubt…that."

"Kimahri agree. That aeon suck big time."

Denny sighed and went over to Yojimbo who was hanging off the disco ball trying to escape the group. "Guess they didn't like my routine huh?"

"No, I'm sure they always show their appreciation of an act by trying to murder them. Hey Jimbo maybe you could go over and cheer up a certain dragon who needs cheering up."

"Puff the Magic Dragon?"

"No! Bahamut you bloody great boob!" Denny roared at him.

Lyonal herded the students towards the door and back outside into the sunshine while Yojimbo was doing his 'disappearing act' out the back door. "You can put down that folding chair now Yazoo. Have to keep moving, busy schedules and all that. Let's go this way."

* * *

Following the pain that is Yojimbo's routine the students were not holding out much hope that the rest of the tour would be any good or less excruciating. So preparing for the worst they trudged after the janitors.

"It's a bit odd."

Yazoo looked at Quistis, "What's odd?"

She pointed towards the Trio. "Don't they seem happier to be going to the next summon."

"Yeah, your right." Irvine added. "Wonder why. Ahh man, this is going be hell for us ain't it?"

"Crap, I thought we'd seen the worst with that walking joke back there." Yuffie muttered, jerking her thumb in the direction of Yojimbo's dojo.

"I say we just try to get out of this. There are quite a few of us, they'd never know if we disappeared." Irvine cast a quick glance at Yuffie and Quistis, as Yazoo shook his head realising the suggestion Irvine would make. Irvine slung his arms over both girls' shoulders and leaned in close. "Hey ladies, we could have a lot of fun on the way back, some of these bushes look mighty comfortable."

Yazoo smirked at the fleeting glance that passed between Quistis and Yuffie and the oblivious expression on Irvine's face. This was going to hurt, a lot. Both girls threw Irvine's arms off each of their shoulders; Quistis slapped him hard across the face the same time that Yuffie swept the legs out from under him. This resulted in Irvine landing hard on the ground and as he rolled around in pain he ended up in one of those comfortable bushes, which were full of thorns. The group let out howls of laughter as Irvine dug thorns out from an extremely sensitive area.

"Hey, I have an ointment that will take care of that for you." Irvine glared at Zidane who held out a jar to him. "It takes away the pain, yet it also improves the circulation, if ya get my meaning. Huh, huh."

Irvine punched the winking Zidane. "Keep away from my anatomy chimp. And stop thinking about my circulation, that's just downright weird."

Lyonal whistled to the group to hurry up as they had arrived at the next SAEGF's house.

The students stared at the 'house' it looked more like a cave to them, except for the fact that it was painted like a soccer ball; it also had the crests of various teams painted on it. Spiller walked up and went into the cave and before long a soccer ball came flying out of the cave and slapped Zell in the side of the head.

"What? Hey! How? Ahh man that hurt." Zell winced as he rubbed the large bump on his head.

Spiller emerged from the cave chuckling. "You've got a strong right foot If, almost took Zell's head off. Kick harder next time."

"Hey! I resent that, I like my head exactly where it is."

"Sorry bout that but Spiller said he, Denny and Lyonal had brought some people to play soccer." The group could only stare as Ifrit emerged from the cave dressed in a Liverpool Kit.

"They won the Champion's League did ya hear Denny? You owe me I bet you they'd win."

"Yeah, yeah If I heard ya, I'll pay ya later. Man can't believe AC Milan lost."

Ifrit glanced round the group, "Cool there are loads of them we can play with full teams!"

"What on earth is this?" Ultimecia pointed her finger in Ifrit's direction.

Spiller stared at her, "This is Ifrit, and HE is a fire summon. So if you wanna keep being so nasty I suggest you ask Bahamut how it feels like to be on the receiving end of Ifrit's power!"

The trio watched the students' faces to see if there was anymore objection and finding none they spoke quietly to Ifrit. When they finished their talk, Spiller slung an arm over Ifrit's shoulders and walked towards a shed in the field next to Ifrit's place, while Lyonal and Denny stood facing the group.

Denny smiled and whipped out a whistle and clipboard from nowhere. "Right boys and girls lets get to this."

"Where did those come from?" Seifer stared at Denny trying to see exactly where he could have possibly hidden a clipboard and whistle. The eventual conclusion he came to was rather unpleasant, let's just say he did not want to touch either of the two objects.

"Woohoo, a magic show, these always have glittery assistants' costumes and smoke, woohoo!" Selphie was practically drooling at the thought of all that glitter and sequins.

Everyone else just stared in wary apprehension of the inevitable torture these three would inflict upon them. That apprehension turned into terror when both janitors smiled widely and Spiller could be seen in the background with Ifrit hauling something into the field.

Cloud sighed and faced the others. "I know I've only know you for two days, except Tifa of course, but it was nice and seeing as we are probably about to be used as target practise by a fire summons, I have one thing to say… NOT IT."

Aeris rolled her eyes at the girls as the rest of the guys all added their, "Not its."

"They are regular group of Prince Charmings aren't they? I have no doubt that the one I get stuck with in my game will let me, I don't know… be sacrificed upon an altar or something like that."

"Ah come on Aeris, none of them would be dumb enough to let that happen. Seriously, what type of moron would let a girl be sacrificed? The only way I can see that happening is if they are reduced to a bumbling mass of an emotional wreck beforehand. And ladies we all know that none of these guys have any emotions or deep thoughts. Pray you get Cloud, that boy has nothing in his head but air. Cloud by name. Cloud by nature."

The rest of the girls nodded their agreement to Tifa's statement. Just as they were about to respond Denny and Lyonal called their attention.

Lyonal looked at each student seriously then asked, "So who wants to go first?"

The boys and girls stared pointing at each other. Sephiroth seeing that the girls were not about to break smiled at them, this caused the TWATS to swoon and the others to become suspicious. "Ladies first."

"Don't even try to charm your way out of this one, 'be noble' or some other crap like that." Aeris growled.

Sephiroth rubbed a hand over his eyes, he didn't know why but he was getting an overwhelming urge to murder someone, specifically Aeris. "No we gentlemen insist that you go first."

Zell piped up, "Yeah what he said, trash before the can."

The girl's eyes all narrowed causing Zell to run behind Sephiroth. Quistis walked until she stood in front of Sephiroth and Zell who was shaking slightly as he remembered what they did to Irvine.

"Trash before the can huh? You lot want to be crude and childish about this fine, we'll be childish. Shit before the shovel. You lot go first. Tic Tacs no take back."

Before the spat could escalate into a fully fledged brawl, Spiller came back and ended it. "You lot come on, and you two ye were meant to have them ready by now. Ye're almost as bad as Reno and Rude."

"Spiller why'd you come back, they were about to fight!"

"Denny that's exactly why I came back; do you want to tell Cid what happened? He might make us be, be … nice to Mario if we let anything happen without him there to make a bet on the winner." Spiller turned to the students, "There are too many of ye, how many of ye can play soccer? C'mon we don't have all day."

When they had eighteen unwilling volunteers, Spiller decided to explain what was happening.

"Wait, that's it a soccer game. No medieval style torture, just a plain ol' eleven-a-side match. I can handle that as long as there aren't any tricks. Are you joking?"

Spiller sighed, "No, Tidus for all your benefits I will say this slowly. We… are… playing… a … soccer… match… that's … all."

"I… just… realised… how… annoying… I… must… sound." Yuna eventually said.

The students all divided themselves into teams and supporters and the match began. Seeing as how playing soccer would ruin their nails and hair the TWATS sat it out and decided to be cheerleaders. During their attempt at building a pyramid the other students who were not playing had great fun tickling Selphie or Rikku at the bottom corners, which forced the pyramid to collapse every time.

"Ahh man that was great we won nice game team Ifrit." Ifrit started high-fiving all his team.

"It's not hard considering Denny was on the opposite team." Spiller started laughing.

"Seriously how do you keep falling asleep standing up? I was stuck on a loosing side and they had Kadaj, he scored while you napped." Lyonal shook his head in disgust at Denny.

"What can I say; I need to sleep every now and again." Seeing the glares from Lyonal and the rest of the team was shooting him Denny quickly changed his mind. "Fine I admit it my name's Denny and I find soccer so boring to play it puts me to sleep. Happy. Let's go to the next summon. If wanna tag along."

Ifrit smiled, "Sure. Where we headed?"

* * *

A few minutes saw the group standing outside the igloo of Shiva. A raging fire was lit inside judging by the plumes of smoke billowing out the chimney.

Sephiroth wasn't that surprised, "Let me guess. An ice summon that can't stand the cold?"

"How'd you figure that out?" Spiller asked while opening Shiva's door.

"Call it a wild guess. So predictable."

"Shut the damn door, you're letting all the heat out!" Looking in the students could vaguely make out a slender form completely wrapped in furs nursing a hot water bottle.

"Well Shiva how are you this lovely day?" Lyonal sauntered in.

"Bugger off Smiley," seeing the group staring she continued on more kindly. "Well if you had to wear a sequined bra and thong you'd be cold too," she offered as an excuse.

"Tried it already. Came down with the frightful cold," Kuja said.

Freya smacked him across the head, "There is such a thing as over share!"

Ifrit ignored the bickering and bounded up to Shiva, "Hey missy."

Immediately she threw her arms around him, "Oh Iffy! I'm so glad you've come. I missed you!"

"You only love me because I'm hot. I don't like being used that way," Ifrit sniffed.

Shiva pretended to look indignant then fluttered her eyelashes. "Okay sweetie, maybe I did. But not any more. I need you baby," she cooed.

Yuffie felt like sticking her finger down her throat, "Ugh. What a hussy."

Denny laughed and pushed the group outside. "Nah Shiva's not bad. She has Ifrit wrapped around her pinkie. She'll have him warming her hot tub in no time."

* * *

"Okay how many more aeons, GFs, eidolons and mormons do we have to see?" Tidus whined after the group was wandering around aimlessly for a while.

"Its 'summons' and there's not much more left. Animal lovers among you might like the next one." Spiller led the way over to a giant pen with a dog house in the middle. He gave a shrill whistle and suddenly an enormous three headed dog bounded out. The students predictably legged it when they saw the beast coming towards them.

Lyonal gave a guffaw, "Don't run. That'll only make him more excited. Here boy."

Cerberus came up and sniffed the janitor licking him with his huge tongue. This sent Lyonal flying into a tree. "See guys, he's harmless. Good boy!"

"Of course he is, just like a pet shark. Sure what's the loss of a few limbs?" Seifer said sarcastically.

Cloud was advancing towards Cerberus with his hand stretched out.

Sephiroth sniggered. "Careful Cloudy boy. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you."

"Don't worry. I'll be all right," Cloud called back, not getting Sephiroth's intent. He had reached the mutt, who was delighted to receive such attention. Cloud patted each head in turn. Cerberus started yipping and batting the blond playfully with his paw.

"Ow. Go easy will you?" Cloud brushed himself off after being flattened into the ground by the dog.

"I think he likes you," Tifa shouted over, "a little too much!"

Denny scratched his head looking guilty. "Well maybe we should have warned you not do give him too much attention. He's kinda lonely and well you know there's not many female giant three headed dogs around so…"

"Gross!" the TWATS said all together.

"What? Augh!" Cerberus had certainly taken a shining to Cloud. "Get off of me! Help! It'll never work! I'm a human and well…you're a three headed dog."

Aeris grabbed Tifa's arm, "We have to help him!"

"How? We're up against a three headed giant dog."

Yazoo decided to do a good deed and called out some 'advice' to the beleaguered Cloud. "Just lie still and then when it's over he'll fall asleep so you can make his breakfast before running away."

Tifa glowered at the silver haired man, "Nice advice Mr. Samaritan."

Cloud was running around in circles screeching and waving his arms. "But I … I don't know how to make breakfast!"

The janitors had decided that enough was enough. Spiller picked up a large stick and ran up to Cerberus. Gaining his attention the janitor threw the stick as far as possible. The idea was to get the three heads fighting with each other, thus allowing Cloud to escape.

But the blond was still running around in circles, "I feel sick."

The other two janitors ran in, grabbed the unfortunate Cloud and ran back to the group.

"Quick, let's go!" Denny ordered.

Everybody else nodded their agreement and moved quickly away from Cerberus.

* * *

After a while Lyonal called them to stop, "I think we're safe now. Sorry bout that Cloud."

"No problem. It's not the first time that's happened."

Kadaj looked up from the ground where he was trying to get his breath back. "Is it just me or are we spending most of the time running?"

Spiller actually looked a bit apologetic. Or else it was just a facial tic, "Well ye hardly thought it was going to be a bed of roses did ye? Besides this is the last summon. Promise. This chapter has gone on long enough."

Quistis was about to retort but thought better of it. "Okay lead the way."

With a resigned sigh the students followed the janitors up to what looked like the seedy set up of a seventies porn movie. Lyonal stood outside the fur covered door, "This is Odin's house everybody. We'll try to make it as quick and painless as possible."

"Painless being the operative word."

"Don't worry, we won't stay long Yazoo. Odin's far too creepy, even for us. Plus not all of you look over eighteen."

From outside the strains of "You Sexy Thing" could be heard. Suddenly the door was thrown open and Odin standing on the steps.

Despite being 3000 years old Odin still fancied himself as a bit of a player. He was dressed in his finest seventies pimp outfit complete with flares as wide as a duel carriage way, wraparound shades and a chest wig. Straightening his vulgar gold medallion he gave a lecherous wink at the group, especially the girls.

"Mmm hmm, what have we here? Hey ladies, fancy a bit of fun?" He emphasised the question with a few pelvic thrusts so that even the TWATS guessed his meaning. Sort of.

"He wants to go skiing with us?"

"Eh no. I think old Odin's taken too much of his little blue pills today," Lyonal commented.

Odin stared Yazoo up and down, "Would you like a private tour?"

"Listen grandpa, I don't know what you're thinking but I'm a guy."

"Hey, guy, girl, we can still all party together. Am I right!"

The students decided to do what they had been doing all day. Namely running away.

Odin was still calling faintly after them, "You'll be back! I know you will. Ow my hip!"

* * *

The doors of the main hall burst open as the students skidded to a halt after Zidane tripped over his own tail. The resulting pile-on was not comfortable for anyone.

"Woohoo, being squashed and not breathing, woohoo."

"Whose hand is that?"

"I don't even want to know what I'm seeing, 'cause it doesn't look like the top half of a body."

"Get off me now."

"Ohh, monkey boy you're gonna get it as soon as I work my way out and the feeling returns to my body."

"Where's my mirror? You people better not have marked my beautiful skin."

"Ow. And oh yeah, OW."

"Why are you people on top not moving, we can't get out 'til ye move."

"Can't… feel… anything…"

"Hey!"

"Sorry, didn't know if it was mine or yours."

Once the students managed to detangle themselves and had each hit Zidane at least once Cid began to speak.

"Everyone here, check. Any missing limbs, body parts, brain cells, with this lot never mind that. So you three managed to return them whole without any physical damage. I'm impressed."

The trio smiled.

"Thanks Cid, they're physically fine but the mental and emotional trauma is another thing." Spiller jerked his thumb in Cloud's direction. "Especially him, Cerebus took a fancy to him."

"I think they deserve a drink after what they've been through."

"Definitely Denny, c'mon kids don't worry drinks are on Mario, unless he has a problem with that."

Mario ground his teeth, "No, none at all. 'Cause you are all drinking water, you are probably dehydrated and oh look, is that sunburn. Let's go, Fabio bring the emergency kit and a torch. Lord knows it's dark enough in the Crypt."

* * *

Please **Read & Review**. See the button, ah go on press it and let us know what you think and if you have an ideas we're happy to hear them. 


	7. The Cheese is old and Mouldy

**Disclaimer**: As Cid would say: "We don't #&!(? own any #&!(? thing. Its all #&!(? owned by #&!(? Square-Enix." Oh and we don't #&!(? own Cid either or anything else you #&!(? recognise.

**Ryu the Demon** Ah I'm sure Bahamut would have appreciated that even though the stench of the place would have made your eyes water. But the whiskey must be at least 16 years old. Other than that thanks for reviewing.

**Shahid:** Cheers for the review. Shiva and Ifrit would indeed make a nice couple, but imagine what the kids would look like. The characters don't really hate each other…yet. Still adjusting to each other would be a better way of putting it. I'll tell Mr Anonymous that you enjoyed Yojimbo's act. As for Emerald and Ruby Weapon we'll find a way to work them in. Maybe the students could train against them or something along those lines. Either way I'd say they're in for a world of pain.

**Xtrememuzroom:** We never realised how many SAEGFS there were either. They just went on and on and on… Small wonder the chapter was so excruciating to write. The day Bahamut sobers up is the day the janitors do a job properly. The TWATS are definitely in a league of their own. And we don't mean that nicely. You'll see some more stupidity from them soon, rest assured.

**ninespiritualfires:** Thankies for the review! Glad you find it so funny. The characters are certainly not the ones we all know and love. Odin was creepy even to us. Have to say my favourite summon is Shiva. For no other reason than that she looks cool (pun intended). Yes poor Cloud, poor poor Cloud. He'll be in a support group for "People Attacked by Amorous Giant Dogs" soon getting the help he really needs. Again thanks for reviewing.

**Zack M. Strith: **Thanks for the review. We're guessing that 'hm' refers to 'hm that fic was a masterful piece of work.' Or 'hm I seem to have left the oven on.' Us being the optimists that we are, we'll go for the first choice. Muchos gracias for the review!

**Satti:** Yes we enjoy watching Cloud squirm. We seem to have it in for all the characters but especially him. He's just so easy to make fun of and not the brightest spark in the matchbox, perfect comedy fodder. As well they're at school, which aren't exactly the greatest days of our lives and whoever said that obviously never went. Couldn't have described Odin better ourselves. Guess Ifrit is adorable in his own "burn everything to a crisp way" and don't worry Shiva's not going to get the better of him. Arigato for the review.

**SephirothBeatrix:** Glad the exams went okay. Did our advice of faking a fit come in handy? We're trying to figure out how exactly could we fit Beatrix in but never fear, we'll find a way! And to answer your question, we are Irish. And damn proud of it. Guess that explains why the students spend more time in the bar than anything. Not that we're trying to cultivate a cultural stereotype or anything. ;D

**chicita:** I think we can all relate to them on some level. ;0D Glad you enjoyed it even if you didn't know what was going on. Kind of like us all the time. Cheers for reading and hope that this chapter is just as entertaining!

**Inferno Seifer:** 'Looks up 'intelligent' and 'mature' in the dictionary.' Never thought we'd hear those words in the same sentence and referring to us. But thank you very much. (blushes) We try to write some scenes in an ironic way knowing what will actually happen in the game. We hope you read more of it too.

**A/N:** Checks Calendar. Hehe sorry it took a while. Thanks for all the reviews you beautiful people you.

**_Avast thee maties thar be blatant pop cultural plagiarism ahead. Ye have being warned. Arr._**

**

* * *

Chapter 7: The Cheese is old and Mouldy.**

* * *

"Hey Vince prepare for an incoming, Spiller, Denny and Lyonal are bringing all the students down here. Oh the drinks are all on Mario and you know our usual." Reno smiled sweetly.

Vincent smirked at what was supposed to be the picture of innocence. "Does Mario know he's buying you two drinks? Judging by the looks on your faces I'll take that to be a no, shall I? And don't smile so wide, you're brightening up the place. "

Reno was saved from answering as the group entered the Crypt and found seats. Spiller sauntered up to the bar and placed the orders for everyone. "Give 'em your strongest. Odin took his little blue pills today and was feelin' frisky. Whatever helps them to forget is good for them."

Vincent looked at the students who had collapsed at the sight of chairs, a few had just thrown themselves on the tables; he grabbed the bottles from under the counter and started pouring. "This should do the trick, made it myself for you lot but I'll dilute it a bit for them. Regardless of how much they need something strong."

The students stared suspiciously at the drinks in front of them. Quistis sniffed at hers and quickly jerked her head back as her eyes began to water, along with her now running nose and excess saliva. "What the heck is in this? It smells like it could strip paint."

"I know I thought Mario said we were only to have water." Aeris gulped as a bubble rose to the surface of her drink and released a noxious cloud.

"Seriously how toxic is this? My liver has already surrendered and is trying to force its way out of my body before I drink this." Yazoo stared at the bar trying to read the label on the bottle.

Denny turned on the bar stool, "Shaddup and drink it. Considering what Mario's got planned for you lot, a coma is preferable."

"Preferable? Since when did you start using big words?"

Denny cleared his throat and spoke in his best upper class English. "Well Vincent, for your information, my companions and I have invested in a 'Word-a-Day' calendar."

"Yes Denny and the benefits have been exponential, as you can probably surmise from our vocabulary." Spiller mimicked Denny's accent.

Lyonal joined in with his accent. "Why Spiller, I do believe that we have astounded our comrades here in this establishment into silence. How prodigious of us."

All three janitors burst into laughter at the sight of all the open mouths that greeted them. Cid stood at the open door of the Crypt gaping at the trio along with everyone else. "Huh! And here I thought you three had shit for brains."

"Ah thanks!" Denny beamed at Cid.

Spiller smacked Denny on the back of his head, "That wasn't a compliment, moron."

"Well he surprised me, it always seemed like he thought we have no brains at all. To me shit seems like a step up from nothing."

Lyonal shook his head. "That is some seriously twisted logic Denny. That's it from now on you are to spend less time with Cloud. It's bad enough having one idiot without adding to the problem."

"Hey! Why do you keep picking on me?" Cloud, who was sitting nearby piped up.

Sephiroth was sitting nearby listening in, "If ignorance is bliss then you'd think people would be happier when you pointed out what morons they are."

Cloud was furrowing his brow, "Uh."

"Listen Cloudy boy, I know there was a lot of big words in there. Maybe if I start talking in monosyllabic grunts you'd understand better. Hm?" Sephiroth sneered.

"Lay off Sephy," Tifa decided she had had enough of the conversation, "you're going to be a villain, but not yet."

The silver haired man sat back with a self-satisfied smirk, "Don't call me Sephy and I'm just practicing my evil baddie rapport that's all."

Denny walked up to Cloud and put a comforting arm around his shoulder. "They don't know it but one day you'll grow into an amazing person. You see the pair of us are like butterflies, we make our cocoons as useless, ugly caterpillars and emerge butterflies. So at the moment we're ugly useless good for nothings, but don't worry soon, we'll be beautiful and graceful women."

"What! Woman! Seriously you are missing a few screws. Oh shut it the lot of ye." Cloud scowled at Denny and everyone else in the bar for that matter, who were currently bursting their asses laughing.

* * *

The entrance of the rest of the staff saved Denny from defending his sanity, and his health from the objects Cloud was throwing at him. Everyone except for Mario and Fabio were now in the Crypt nursing an alcoholic beverage of some kind. The students were still contemplating the permanent damage the 'special' drink in front of them would do to their bodies, or how many years it would take off their lives, but the moment an obviously flustered Mario entered with an exhausted Fabio dragging what looked like a modern version of a portable torture chamber, the students all grabbed their drinks and downed them in one.

"Ahh man that does not look good." Irvine was sinking lower into his seat. A few others followed his lead and tried to make themselves seem as inconspicuous as possible.

Tifa was waving frantically in Vincent's direction. "Hey! Hello! Can we get another… I dunno six of these drink thingies a.s.a.p.!"

Mario was deep in conference with Fabio about where to set up the equipment. Yazoo looked decidedly uncomfortable and was squirming in his seat.

"Yazoo, sit still, you're making me sea-sick just looking at you." Loz kept blinking trying to focus his eyes.

"Why are you squirming? If you need to use the toilet all you have to do is get up and go to the restrooms."

Yazoo shot his brothers a glare. "Yes ha ha, thanks for the advice but I already knew that. The reason I'm squirming is because Mario is staring at us. We all know about his little crush on you Seph, which means that you're first up for some 'treatment.'"

"Yazoo, if I'm first up for some treatment then there is no reason for you to be worried."

"No Seph you don't get it. Because we happen to be related to you and have a resemblance makes Mario extra attentive to us too. Whenever he touches me I feel all dirty and in desperate need to scald my skin off." Yazoo's voice had sunk to a whisper; he brought his knees up to his chest and was rocking back and forth, all the while muttering to himself.

"Hooo, what is in this?" Loz had turned his glass upside down and peering into it, when a drop fell into his eye. "Ahh it burns, it BURNS!"

Kadaj didn't start at Loz's scream; rather he was staring wistfully at the wall. "I find that Mario has a rather soothing presence for me. Anyway I like all the extra attention it makes me feel special."

"You are 'special' enough as it is. Yazoo calm down. Loz stop rubbing it. Will someone tell me what is in this?" Sephiroth was trying to calm Yazoo and Loz down while Kadaj hummed softly to himself.

Spiller brought a glass of water with ice in it and two clean towels for Loz. "Here that should take care of his eye, as for the other two … you're on your own. Although Kadaj seems to be fine."

Tifa, Aeris, Quistis and the TWATS came over trying to help Sephiroth. Quistis, Tifa and Aeris felt that Loz would be the easiest to deal with, seeing as his injuries we're all because of the drink. The TWATS had started a game of charades with Kadaj. That left Sephiroth with the nervous wreck formerly known as Yazoo.

* * *

Aeris dipped the towel into the water, while Tifa tilted and held Loz's head upwards in her hands and Quistis told him what they were about to do.

"Ok, all we're going to do is clean your eye. Aeris is going to run water over it, Tifa's going to hold your head steady, I'm going to dry off the water and all you have to do is open your eye and look up."

"Agh, it hurts, and Tifa's hands are cold and rough."

"Hey you're no barrel of sunshine either whiny. Oh and seeing as we have spent the majority of our time here in situations involving near-death, dismemberment, and/or severe mental trauma my hands are in as good a condition as they are going to be. So shut it."

"Alright Loz I'm going to run the water over your eye, ready?"

"Let's go."

Aeris gently ran the water over Loz's eye a few times, each time he winced and tried to move but Tifa kept him in a death-grip and Quistis wiped away the water. Eventually Loz's eye had stopped burning and the girls decided that there was no longer a risk to his eye evaporating.

"Hey girls thanks. Look I can blink and it doesn't feel like I'm ripping a layer off at a time. That is one hell of a drink. I know, let's get another one!" The girls could only stare in amazement as Loz ran to the bar to get another drink.

Aeris sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "If you can't beat them join them." Quistis and Tifa followed her to join Loz at the bar.

* * *

The TWATS were all staring at Kadaj who was currently trying to teach the girls the basic rules of charades with the help of Cloud who had joined them.

"So that's all there is to it. Sounds like fun. Ok Cloud you go first." The rest of the TWATS agreed with Rinoa.

Cloud motioned that it was a book and had five words. Only after Kadaj helped them did they get it. They had managed to get two words on their own though but only after Cloud had gotten so annoyed he accidentally said the words.

"Ohh, I know fourth word."

"Yes, that's right. Kadaj I think they're getting it. About time."

Cloud pulled out a chocolate bar from his pocket and showed it to the TWATS."

"Chocolate, I love chocolate."

"That's right so far you've got…"

"Ehm something **and the Chocolate** something."

Kadaj looked at the TWATS expectantly, when it was obvious they weren't going to figure it out he told them. "It's **Charlie and the Chocolate Factory**."

Eiko laughed at both Cloud and Kadaj. "Ha ha you're so wrong. **Charlie and the Chocolate Factory** is not a book silly it's a film, with Johnny Depp. Duh."

"Ehm, no. **Charlie and the Chocolate Factory** is a book written by Roald Dahl. It just so happens that they've made it into a film again, this time Johnny Depp is in it. And they call me stupid." Cloud had actually cheered up when he realised that the TWATS were stupider than him.

"Woohoo Johnny Depp, woohoo."

Yuffie sighed. "He's hot, I mean just look at how pretty he is, especially in **Pirates of the Caribbean**. Those gold teeth were so shiny in that film."

Rikku had gone all googly eyed. "Johnny. Oh Johnny. Why can't all men look like you? I know where he lives you know!"

Cloud and Kadaj resolved that playing any game that required concentration and the ability to think was something that you should never do with the TWATS, ever. They wandered over to join Loz, Aeris, Tifa and Quistis at the bar and get another drink off Vincent.

* * *

Meanwhile Sephiroth was trying to pacify a now hyperventilating Yazoo.

"Listen Mario is going to be so pre-occupied with me he won't even notice you."

"That's what you'd like to think wouldn't you. You're just trying to trick me so that I'll allow him to be near me and when I'm least suspect it, he'll start stroking my hair offering to give me an Indian head massage. Oh no, you won't make me fall for that."

"Just to let you know you are making absolutely no sense at this moment. Why would I trick you to go near him, he creeps me out more, offering me back rubs."

"Oh just rub your backrub in my face. You are the favourite and everyone loves you but they don't even notice me. I'm just as good if not better than you, I have hardly any split ends because I condition regularly."

"Oh for the love of …"

"Sephy why don't you love me?"

"Because you keep calling me Seph and now Sephy."

"Seph you're one of my three favourite brothers, but you're too pretty for your own good. If you ever went to prison you'd have trouble."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

"Wait a minute where's Loz and Kadaj? He stole them and he's coming to get us. Run get help. Loz. Kadaj. Hang on we'll save yoooouuu… Oww that monster he's left traps. Damn him."

"For the sake of all that's sane. Yazoo, get up off the floor you tripped over your own feet. I forbid you to drink anymore of this, it's hazardous to your mental stability and my patience."

"A drink. Why I'd love one. Look there's Loz and Kadaj they'll get me a drink. I told you they were fine."

"When will this nightmare ever end."

* * *

Sephiroth followed Yazoo over to the bar to join the rest of the group who were drinking shots of the toxic mixture. Just as they finished another round Mario and Fabio had finished setting up and were looking for their first victim… err person in dire need of help. They scanned the Crypt until their eyes rested upon a very familiar group of silver haired brothers.

"Yoo hoo boys. Oh boys." Mario waved his fan as he cooed at them.

Yazoo started sobbing. "Save me. Save me. Back demon. Back. Yazoo begs you take his brothers not him."

Sephiroth shook his head. "So much for brotherly love."

"Here drink this." Vincent had another round ready for all the students, they took one look at Mario and the equipment and downed their drinks.

Cloud took a deep breathe and looked everyone in the eye. "Well it's been nice knowin' ye."

"Hello boys. Vince could you be a doll and turn up the lighting, it's so hard to see the most damaged epidermal areas in this place." Mario flicked open his fan and was currently cooling down.

Vincent didn't even look up from the drink he was pouring. "No."

"What do you mean 'No' you are so insensitive. Here I am trying to rectify what could be traumatised skin and you have the gall to say no. Ugh fine. FABIO, hit the switch."

Mario smirked as Vincent hissed at the brightness of the lamps Mario had brought with him. Everyone else was blinking trying to see past the black dots now filling their vision.

"Woohoo, bright and shiny. I'm seeing stars."

"My retinas have been burned to nothing."

"Gah, blind."

"This is so I can't hide from him. I want Mother."

"For fecks sake get them damn lamps light away from the bar. Apart from the fact that they're blinding, the reason it's so dark is that no-one wants to know what poisonous concoction they're ingesting." Cid growled in Mario's direction or what he thought was Mario's direction. Those lamps were really bright.

Mario swivelled the lamps until only his equipment was fully lighted. "Now where is he… Oh there you are. You're coming with me."

"Ugh, I'm going to be haunted by this for the rest of my life. Hey! Keep your hands where I can see them." Mario was dragging a severely reluctant and glowering Sephiroth.

The students could only stare in horror as Sephiroth was forced to undergo such torments as a facial, moisturiser, manicures, pedicures, emergency hydration and a hair mask.

"Oh you're well on your way back towards you god-like handsomeness. I'm just going to put you in the aftercare room, where relaxing music will be played." Once Mario had removed the restraints and turned his back, Sephiroth bolted out of the chair and back to the relative safety of the bar and the mind-numbing and memory-blocking alcohol.

The students all swallowed nervously as Fabio called "Next" and came forth to collect the next victim. The clamour to hide behind the bar was immense which resulted in hair-pulling, biting and scratching the likes that no school-yard has ever seen. The only flaw with the desperate need to save their skin, literally, left the students with more damage that Mario felt his duty as a dedicated follower of Fashion and Beauty to repair.

* * *

Once they had been put through the ringer with the Beauty team, the students wandered around in a daze hoping to kill their brain cells with unnatural amounts of alcohol, this had lead to high levels of intoxication and supreme acts of stupidity. The only person who seemed to actually be enjoying themselves with Mario and Fabiowas Kuja.

It was following their therapy with Mario and Fabio that Aeris, Tifa and Quistis happened upon the entity known as Mouldy.

"I need to scrub my eyes clean after Mario tried to wax Zidane." Aeris shook her head trying to rid herself of the memory of the frantic Zidane as Mario attempted to wax his tail.

"Know what you mean, look at him over there, holding his battered and semi-waxed tail like a teddy-bear. The boy had problems before this, imagine how much worse he's going to be."

Quistis nodded her head. "No-one's even had the heart to hit him. Even Garnet's being nice. She only threw him half-heartedly into the wall when he buried his head in her boobs looking for comfort."

"Mould."

Tifa cocked an eyebrow. "Huh? Mould? How did the topic go from Zidane to mould, although I have to admit being stuck in a room with mould is even more appealing than Zidane."

"Mouldy mould mould. Mould Mouldy mould."

Quistis looked around trying to find the source of the voice. "Aeris don't panic. But I think that whatever is saying that is coming from behind you."

"What! Don't panic! Who in the hell is not going to panic when someone says that to them?"

"Mould."

"Quistis is right Aeris I think you should start moving from the corner slowly. We don't want to aggravate it."

"Thanks Tif but I have no intention of aggravating anything except an ulcer from being in this hell-hole. Grab my hand and at the sign of any movement you two can pull me."

The girls held hands. "On the count of Three… 1 … 2… thr…**AHHH**."

Everyone turned their attention to where the girls were sitting only to see them being pulled into a darkened corner.

Tidus was shoved towards the corner. "Heh, girls? You can stop messing now and come out."

"Mould."

"Girls is that you?"

Suddenly Tidus was pulled into the same corner.

* * *

"Oh my Gawd, the room is trying to eat us." Yuffie grabbed Zell's arm.

"Ow, Yuffie, let go, you're cutting of my circulation and my arm's going numb."

Rinoa ran up to Squall and threw her arms around him. "Squall you'll protect me."

Squall winced. "Not if I can help it. Why don't you go over there."

"Squall did you say something or is this stuff really strong?" Seifer blinked.

Everyone stared at Squall waiting for an answer. "Whatever."

The three janitors, Reno and Rude stood up and adjusted their belts. Vincent brought out a package from behind the bar. "Alright everyone, show's over just sit back down. We'll handle this."

Garnet was outraged. "I'm outraged. 'Show's over,' if you haven't noticed four students are missing, Yuffie and Rinoa are potentially squeezing the life out of Zell and Squall, and Squall's either able to talk or we are hallucinating. So no thanks, I don't fell like sitting down. This place is like an episode of the **Twilight Zone** on crack."

Vincent unwrapped the parcel and the stink of musty cheese hit the bar's occupants like Serena Williams' backhand, grunt not included. "Lets just let this waft for a bit. He'll catch the scent in no time."

"Who'll catch the scent?" Rikku was peeping out curiously from behind Kimahri.

Reno smirked. "Just you wait and see."

"Is anyone else seriously contemplating running away?"

Wakka placed his hand on Eiko's shoulder. "Now now. There is no need for melodramatic antics young lady. Anyways it would be unsightly to be so cowardly in the face of danger. I am sure these… ehem… gentlemen have everything quite in order."

"Sure they do… coughruncough." Paine grinned.

"MOULDY."

"Eep." Lulu had joined Rikku behind Kimahri.

"Sure use Kimahri when you need saving. But when Kimahri offer a romance you never forget, you run."

* * *

Slowly a creature emerged from the corner and cautiously made his way towards the cheese. Upon seeing the cheese he beamed at Vincent and began devouring it. While this was happening Spiller, Denny, Lyonal, Reno and Rude went and brought Quistis, Aeris, Tifa and Tidus out from the Lair.

Spiller rubbed the back off his neck. "I guess we should have told ye, the corner's off limits."

"You think!" Quistis snarled. "It might have been helpful before that thing dragged us in there."

"Hey now wait a minute. There's no need to go and be so mean. We got you out didn't we?" Denny peered at each of their faces.

Tifa pointed at Tidus who was shuddering every so often and sneered sarcastically. "Oh, we are so glad you came and got us. You poor things had to get up of your lazy asses for two minutes."

"Are you in there anymore? No. It's not like anything bad happened you all seem to be in one piece." Lyonal studied the four of them.

Aeris glared. "Physically we're fine but it made us watch… **B**… **Ba**… **Barney** with it. That's not the worst. It made us join in with the songs too. The horror. The HORROR!"

At the sound of **Barney** Tidus wept uncontrollably, the only thing that soothed him was to drink himself unconscious. Reno went over to the bar and looked at the creature.

"Nhow Mouldy hyou kno betterrr than to shit people dhown to watch kiddies shows."

"Mould."

"I kno you sorry but ashk next time an don go sthealin peoples."

Cloud was incredulous. "It has a name and that's Mouldy. Do I even want to know where it came from or what it is?"

"It's simple really." Vincent proceeded to explain Mouldy's origins to the students.

Sephiroth looked over at Reno, Rude, the three janitors and Vincent. "So what you're trying to say is Mouldy here was grow in the spit bucket in the Men's restrooms that all of you spat into at some point. Not only that but Reno dropped an orange when he realised it was covered in mould and that you all thought it would be a good idea to pass an electrical current through the mixture. That's how Mouldy was created."

At the nods Sephiroth continued. "Basically what you lot are saying that this thing is a genetic lovechild of you six. That's a heritage to be proud of."

"You know I don't think I've had enough to drink yet." Aeris marched towards the bar with everyone else following her.

* * *

After a night of much illegally imported booze and merry making Cid suddenly remembered he'd a school to run. "Let's call it a night."

"kay ish's a nite." Auron slurred from under Cid's chair.

Stepping on him Cid located Reno and Rude. "You two, round up the students and get them to bed. Don't forget half are going to the Moogle Village. Get the janitors to help. I'm hitting the sack."

Following much swearing, prodding, hitting and kicking the students were all bundled out of the Crypt. Rude and Reno quickly split them up and sent the janitors to accompany the group to the Village. The rest they led into school, opening doors at random and throwing a few in. After duct taping Zidane to a pipe in a closet Reno and Rude, quite pleased with the way they handled the job, disappeared back down to the bar.

"This pillow is so soft," Rikku said while trying to hug the floor.

"This blanket will do nicely." Kadaj was trying to peel the wallpaper off the bathroom wall. While in another room Irvine was wrapping himself completely in toilet paper.

A few screams and funny noises could be heard echoing around the school but soon all was quiet. Vincent's drinkhad made sure of that.

* * *

Meanwhile the janitors were carrying more than escorting the students to the Moogle Village . Having taken fifteen minutes for a five minute walk the students stumbling through the darkness and fell unceremoniously at a the feet of a group of spear armed Moogles.

Spiller threw Yuna and Tidus off his shoulders. "Special delivery. They're all yours kupo. Nighty-night students, don't let the jungle beasts bite. Make them swallow you whole, less pain for you and mess for us to clean."

Those students who were conscious could only stare as the phalanx of moogles descended on them. The head moogle picked up his spear and poked Seifer in the ass. "Move it, Kupo."

* * *

The shrill sound of an alarm rang through the school and jolted the students from their sleep. Groggily Sephiroth glanced at his watch. It was 8:00 am. "They must be joking. This is a school not a boot-camp." He rolled back onto his side and closed his eyes.

"Boot-camp, school, jail, asylum, whatever. This place has it all. My mouth feels like an ashtray." A bleary eyed Loz was stretching in a vain attempt to wake up. He went to the bathroom; filled two glasses then walked back and dumped them over Yazoo and Kadaj's heads. "Wakey wakey."

Yazoo woke up coughing and spluttering, "You son of a bitch. If I could see straight I'd wallop you. Oh my fricking head." He held his head as if it was going part company with his body. "You dumb meathead. I could have choked." Yazoo looked up. "Shit, look at your eyes. They look like two piss holes."

Loz simply smiled sweetly at him. Yazoo wasn't a morning person. He wasn't a day person at the best of times.

Kadaj meanwhile had woken up with a massive body twitch, which caused him to smack his head off the above bunk. "Is it normal when you having a hangover to keep seeing double?" He was trying to focus his eyes but they kept crossing and uncrossing. "I feel sick."

Sephiroth smirked at him, "I have no sympathy for you. I warned you but no, you insisted…"

"How was I supposed to know that it was disinfectant in the bottle?" Kadaj shrieked, "it's too damn dark too see anything! Besides, it was behind the bar!" His lower lip trembled.

His older brother narrowed his eyes. Even sprawled across the bed and positively green looking Sephiroth still looked threatening. "Wouldn't the smell have given it away?" he asked coolly.

Kadaj had no answer to that, "Well…I…you see…just shut up!" He flung himself back onto the bunk dramatically.

Loz patted the teen on the head. "Reality continues to ruin your life."

Yazoo by this time had finally slithered out of bed and was cracking the kinks out of his back, "Speaking of reality what about the reality of this place. They've degraded us so far, today is going to be no different."

"Maybe they might go easy on us seeing as how we were up late…" Kadaj was cut off by the alarm going off again, even louder. Suddenly Cid's gravelly voice came out over the intercom. "Get off ye're slow movin' asses! Be outside the front of the school in five! I'll turn on the sprinkler system if ye're any later!"

* * *

In Tifa, Aeris and Quistis' room the girls were frantically getting dressed. "Does that guy know any other tune?" Quistis asked. She suddenly bent over double. "Ugh I feel as if my insides are going to crawl out and start beating me."

"Look let's just do what he says. Hey we have the same underwear." Tifa wandered over to where Aeris was diligently picking off her mud mask. "I was wondering why you had a mini hammer and chisel in your makeup bag. C'mon let's get out before the sprinklers come on. That stuff will fuse to your face," she joked.

Aeris was still scraping the gunk off her face. "You don't get line free skin for nothing you know. Pass me that…Ahh! That bastard!" Cid, as promised, had turned on the sprinklers and the girls were soon soaked. They quickly threw on the rest of their garments, grabbed some aspirins and ran out into the hall. Cloud was at the door opposite them still wearing his pyjamas/romper suit and cuddling Mr. Bunny and knuckling the sleep out of his eyes. "Jeez when the water came on I was still asleep. I nearly had a stroke!"

"I don't think it did any long term damage. And if it did no worries," Tifa consoled him. "Hurry up and get dressed!"

* * *

Ten minutes later the bleary eyed students were standing outside the school looking not all that healthy. Corpses had more life in them. The teachers surprisingly looked rather clean looking considering the copious amount of alcohol that was downed the previous evening.

Cid stood with his hands behind his back surveying them without sympathy. "Well over did it a bit last night eh? Then you're gonna have a hell of a time today. We're gonna go on a little excursion. We'll set off as soon as the students from the Moogle Village arrive."

"Excursion? That's code for something else isn't it?" Zell asked in a panicky voice, "No! I can't take it! I'm too young to die!" He ran up to the school doors and started tugging and scratching at them like a mad man. At a signal from Cid, Barrett raised a tranquilliser gun to his shoulder and shot Zell cleanly in the behind. He dropped like a stone. The rest of the pupils regarded the scene with disinterest. After all, that was probably the most normal thing they'll see today.

A sudden commotion from the end of the drive announced the arrival of the Moogle Village group. They seemed much better for wear than the others. In fact they looked as fresh as daisies while the others were as fresh as a week old Danish pastry.

Even Yuffie didn't miss the contrast, "Wow you guys look like a million dollars! How'd ye do it?"

"Didn't you get massages and facials?" Tidus queried, "The Moogles went out of their way to make sure we were as comfortable as possible. You look like a million dollars too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. All green and crispy," he added tactlessly.

Before a full-blown massacre could escalate Cid started speaking. "Bet ye're all dying to know what we have in store for you today."

"Dying is right," Paine whispered.

"Well here to explain it is our resident fitness guru, fresh out of Rehab, Lesley. Over to you Les."

Lesley hopped up into a crate, "Don't look so down guys. Unlike the other misadventures, the Swamp, the SAEGF's, this one actually serves a purpose rather than having you fight for you're lives for no apparent reason."

"You're really reaching them Les." Reno shook his head.

"Quiet Mr. "I have more alcohol in my body than blood." Anyway I'll cut to the chase; you students are going to do a fitness test." He held up a hand to stop any protests. "I know that it was a late night last night but this needs to be done. As you know there's going to be different types of characters in the games. Mage, Warrior, White Magic expert, Damsel in Distress, Annoying character who everybody Hates, Obligatory Ditz, Strong and Silent and so on. This test is designed to sort out who you're going to be. Do you're best because this will determine your course of action in the game. Any questions? Yes Aeris?"

"We're going to die aren't we?"

"That's up to you. Anybody else? No, let's get going then. Follow me." Lesley led them to a building at the back of the school. "This is the gym. Here you're going to do the first part of the test and be processed. Come on file in."

* * *

The room was bright and airy with various torturous looking devices set up around the walls. A first aid poster splattered with heaven knows what was pinned up and featured such life saving advice, as "What does not kill you straight away will kill you eventually." "Sometimes a stab in the gut is the only remedy." "Did you ever think that it's supposed to bend that way?" "10 off all coffins! Free autopsy with this poster." "In the case of stab wounds do…" The rest of it was torn off.

Lesley walked to the centre of the room and took a clipboard and pencil out of his jacket. "We'll do the girls first, the guys sit at the back and wait." They gratefully did so, relishing the chance to nurse their hangovers and whinge. He beckoned the unwilling girls forward. "You ladies will mostly come under the categories Damsel in Distress, Obligatory Ditz, Corner of Love Triangle and White Mage though I have a feeling some of you will be Warriors. The first test will be of stamina; this determines your ability in battle. Lulu, Paine hop up on the treadmills."

Paine did so without complaint and was soon pounding away. "Nobody's going to make me a sissy girl. I ain't cultivating this Goth image for nothin'."

Lulu was harder to coax up. "Listen Les just chalk me down as Ms Prissy. There's no way I'm going up on that great greasy thing."

"And why's that?"

Lulu cocked her head at the men at the end who had suddenly sat up straighter and seemed very interested. "Well there are those undesirables and these," she pointed to her chest, "I'd give myself a black eye if I started running. Get it?"

"Guess that means you wont do push ups or press ups either? Never mind I'll make you a Mage of some sort. Okay TWATS you're up next, even though I've a pretty good idea of you're erm…talents."

"Woo-hoo! Let's work those buns!" The five did some sort of demented friendship chicken dance before attacking the treadmills.

Rinoa batted her eyelashes and waved at her hero at the back. "Squall, could you hold my hand? Just in case, I y'know, get sucked into the machine?"

"That'll be the day. I mean 'whatever.'" Squall evidently still had some of Vincent's special brew in his system as he was talking in full sentences. Lesley meanwhile had ticked the boxes Extreme Damsel in Distress, Obligatory Ditz and Unavoidable Love Interest next to Rinoa's name.

The TWATS managed a whole minute on the machine. That was 50 seconds more than Lesley had expected. "Okay girls. Good job, now drop and give me twenty."

"Give you twenty where and what?"

"Twenty Les? That's a big task," Ultimecia said derisively, "they'll need to take off their shoes if they have to count to twenty. And this floor is so non-shiny."

"A, B, C, D. Woo-hoo I can count!"

Next up was Freya and Tifa who blew the other girls out of the water with a display of physical strength and prowess. "Pretty impressive eh?"

"Whoo I'm working up a sweat! Guess I'm a warrior then Les huh?"

"We'll see Tifa. For now just take a breather. And give the boys one as well." He gave the guys at the back a glance. Irvine and Zidane were rubbing their chins and smiling thoughtfully. He also spotted the three janitors spying in the windows. They were sharing a bucket of popcorn that they had mysteriously procured.

Turning away he nodded to Aeris and Yuna to go next. "Up you go."

"And…what's…this…fiendish…device…called?"

"A chin up bar. Get up on it."

Aeris tightened her ponytail and grudgingly obliged. "Oof…damn these skinny arms." She managed one while Yuna went one better. They both collapsed on the ground. "No…more." Yuna panted weakly.

Lesley shook his head, "Listen ladies most of you have the strength of cooked spaghetti and I'm not holding out hope that rest of you are any better." He cast a glance over the remaining girls, Garnet, Quistis and Ultimecia.

Garnet looked relieved, "I'd be outraged if it wasn't true. So can we sit down now?"

Quistis was peeved but her stomach was flip flopping at the thought of any physical exertion so she remained silent.

Lesley was scribbling in his notepad, "Sure thing. Tell the guys to come on up."

* * *

The girls gratefully did so. Aeris took a peek at the instructor's notes as she filed past. He had her ticked as Magic Expert which was to be expected but when she saw he had earmarked herself and Tifa as Love Interests and Corners of a Love Triangle Aeris did a double take.

"Wait a sec. Who's the Love Interest?" She grabbed Tifa's arm, "Listen Tif we have a situation on our hands."

"Well maybe it's a mistake. It's probably just a temporary thing." she surmised after Aeris had told her. Tifa tossed her hair back and swept her eyes over the men. The idea of her fancying any of them, quite frankly made her nauseous.

Aeris shook her, "But we can't risk it. If this happens I might just do something drastic in the game. I don't know about you but my interest in those guys extends as far as heavy blunt objects and sharp implements."

Tifa wrinkled her forehead, "Calm down. Lets give them the benefit of the doubt. There's got to be potential some where." Both girls squinted at the group at the top of the hall. Cloud was trapped under a weight and Kadaj was doing star jumps. A few of them were retching into the bins.

"Fine specimens of manhood huh girls? Lucky you." Quistis was trying to muffle her laughter on seeing the look of horror on her friend's faces.

"Lucky us." Aeris threw her arm over Tifa's shoulder, "think I might stick with you!"

"It's our only hope." Tifa replied.

* * *

Lesley was tired, irritable and wishing he had some Prozac. Instead of evaluating the boys in small groups like before he let them all on the equipment at once to fend for themselves. So what if the rowing machine and treadmill couldn't take more than three at a time? He walked about glancing this way and that ticking boxes at random.

Kadaj tapped him on the shoulder, "Em Les I can't help but notice that you have me down as a Damsel in Distress. Maybe Kuja, but not somebody as virile as me."

"Do you even now what virile means?" Lesley asked without humour.

"I think it has something to do with baked goods."

"Let's ignore that statement. Anyway you always struck me as a little light in the lederhosen." Before Kadaj could answer Lesley had turned away, "Okay people wrap it up. I'm sure you've had enough, I know I have." He rubbed his eyes.

"You sure you've seen enough?" Seifer looked up from where he was sticking Zell's head into the weight machine.

"More than enough. I don't want to you completely sobered up. File out and follow me. You're going to pay Edie a visit. "

"Great. More fun. To die would be a relief." Yazoo, true to his word, had buried his head in an inflatable gym ball in an attempt to suffocate himself.

Sighing Loz picked him up and slung him over his shoulder like a child before joining the group.

* * *

Lesley led them at a running pace back into the school. He skidded to a halt outside one of the many classrooms, flung open the door and pushed them inside before sprinting away to telephone his counsellor at the Rehab centre.

The students now found themselves in Edie and Rinni's hands. The aforementioned smiled at the group before whipping out their measuring tapes. "Hey guys. Now you're going to have your fittings, isn't that great?" Edie, with the tape held taut between her hands, smiled even wider. "Hope their still hung-over. It'll make the job of measuring inside legs easier."

"Up against the wall and spread them!" Rinni suddenly roared. The beleaguered students opted for the path of least resistance and mutely obeyed.

"You'll will love you're new costumes. Least you can dump the lederhosen now." Edie said conversationally all the while measuring.

"Can we help design them?" Selphie asked, "I want a glitter jumpsuit."

Rinni knitted her brows and shook her head. "You'll wear what you're given and be thankful for it."

Finally everyone was done. It had gone remarkably smoothly and Edie silently thanked the after effects of alcohol. She had even managed to measure Zidane and Irvine without being groped. "Okay all done. Dinners ready so enjoy."

Amarant glanced at his watch. "Twenty five whole minutes and nothing potentially embarrassing and life threatening has happened. What the hell is going on?"

**

* * *

Besides eating mature cheese Mouldy is fond of reviews. PLEASE REVIEW AND FEED MOULDY.**


	8. Whoever said weekends were fun

Disclaimer: We own nuffin'. All the characters in this fic are (unfortunately) fictitious and any resemblance to peoples living or dead is purely coincidental.

LadyG: Incidentally if any of you guys look like or know anybody that looks like Sephiroth or Yazoo please send photos to…

**Thwack!**

RealtF: Stop scaring the readers!

LadyG: See how she treats me? Anyways if they're reading this than they're not easily cowed.

Cloud: Mooooo!

Cid: (!8:) Get on with the (!8:) chapter already (!8:)

RealtF: Fine, no need to be so unprintable.

_**Shout outs, to all you beautiful people.**_

**Xtrememuzroom:** One of your favourites eh? Our favourite is Chapter Four mainly because we'd so much effing trouble putting it up. But we really like this chapter as well. And we hope you do too! We were easy on Cloud? Shock! Gasp! That was a terrible lapse on our part. Don't worry he'll be put through the wringer soon enough. Have to keep things consistent you know. Thank you for the review.

**ninespiritualfires** Cheers for the review. You always leave nice ones. The conversations down in the Crypt were gems even if we do say so ourselves. Which we just did. Sephiroth went a slightly bit more demented than he already was taking care of his brothers. What can we say, he's a gentleman. Lulu's a very prissy lady but we love her. Wait till you see her reaction when she gets her costume. Hoo boy. You'll be seeing more of Aeris and Tifa avoiding Cloud by any means possible love triangle soon enough. Pirates rock so what better way to celebrate those fine men than mentioning them in our fic? Brings a tear to your eye it does.

**Advent Child:** Arigato for the review. Glad you think it's a great story. So do we. :) Ahh no need to be afraid of reviewing. We love reviews and you get a shout out to boot! It's win win! We love Sephy and his brothers. So we thought 'how could we show our appreciation of them? By making them argue constantly of course!' Genius. They're an example to families everywhere. It's so easy to write them, we just let their personalities bounce off each other. Mario nearly choked on his decaf Chai tea latte when he found out that somebody thought he was scary. His reply was "Obviously all the product build up is clogging his/her mind. Remember to rinse thoroughly." Glad we brightened up your day, your review brightened up ours.

**Ryu the youkai**: Vincent refuses to reveal what in his drink. The only clue is that he runs out of Toilet Beach a lot. Hmmm. You'll wreck the learning curve in no time if you drink that stuff before school. There'll be lots more fun with booze to come. Muchos gracias for the review.

**Shahid:** The waiting is over! The next chapter has arrived! (drum roll) Ah Johnny Depp, Johnny, Johnny. Oops sorry, was daydreaming. That bit certainly highlights the extent of the TWATS brainpower. Thanks for the ideas. We're going to try and pair everybody in the fic with somebody else; even if it's blatantly obvious they don't go together. God bless artistic license. ;-D Greece was great. Lovely place. Thanks for the review :)

**Tirnam'Bas:** Mouldy thanks you for the cheese. Reno and Rude are trying to turn him into a tourist attraction, but Vincent's taking them to court to get sole custody of Mouldy. Poor Mouldy doesn't know what to do. Sniff sniff. What the hell are we saying! Thankies for the review!

**SephirothBeatrix:** Glad you liked shoujo-ai. It was fun to write. You'll be seeing more of it in up coming chapters. Cloud will slowly come to the realisation that he's not the super stud he thought he was. We're from the Peoples' Republic of Cork. You might have heard of it. ;-) We've decided what Beatrix going to do. But we're not telling! (evil laugh) Unfortunately we've already decided who Sephiroth's love interest is going to be. But we're not telling! (evil laugh) We'll give you a hint: It's not Mario.

**Number 15:** You think our story is awesome? (blushes) Ahh thank you. Many things happen when the characters get drunk. Yazoo breaking down and Squall talking in complete sentences just to name a few. Its one of those unexplained things like the Bermuda Triangle and….and this fic. Sephiroth's one of our favourite characters so you'll probably see our fan girlishness coming through in the fic. Happy to see that you like the way we write Zidane. Even if we do portray him a horny, smelly skirt chaser. We really gave him the short end of the banana so to speak. Cheers for the review!

**Satti:** The Crypt is indeed a great place. And probably the most normal in the entire school which is really saying something. Our Cloud bashing wasn't up to our usual high standards. Decided to give him a break this time around. Kadaj is easy to bash. Who knows when Advent Children eventually comes out he might be exactly like we portray him. Scary.

**Argh maties, needs I be saying that thar be fish in them…. I mean... the piratin' of stuff that not be ours. **

**

* * *

Chapter 8: Whoever said weekends were fun should burn in this hellhole!**

* * *

Following Amarant's cry of "what the hell is going on!" at the end of the last chapter, our heroes were indeed wondering what the hell was going on. The rest of the day had continued without a hitch and the students had retired to their dorms quite unmaimed. But, as regular readers will realise such calmness isn't going to last long.

The next day found the students in Edie's and Rinni's workshop. Cid, in the middle of a (!8:) filled announcement had told them that their game costumes were ready and after breakfast they were to collect them. This meant the end of the lederhosen, a fact that Kuja complained bitterly about.

"I'm very bitter about this!" he complained.

"Shut your pie hole," Steiner said. "Anything is preferable to this outfit." Though looking around at some of the costumes displayed on mannequins he wasn't entirely convinced.

Tifa nudged Sephiroth, "Your fan club is here." She pointed to the door where Mario and Fabio stood fiddling with a camera.

Sephiroth closed his eyes and wished them away. Last thing he wanted was Mario throwing him admiring glances and blowing kisses. He shuddered.

"I'll make sure I get and dressing room and…why are you and Aeris holding hands?"

Tifa smiled and turned to plant a kiss on Aeris' forehead. "Its our way of rebelling against our game category. Geddit?" She jerked her head in Cloud's direction.

"Cloudy-boy? Ah I see. Having a bacteria as a love interest would be preferable, but maybe I'm being unfair to the bacteria," he said. "Its purely platonic though?"

"Sure, purely platonic," Aeris replied.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes and let them at it. At this stage Edie had arrived from one of the back rooms.

"Hey guys. I hope you're as excited about this as I am." She started giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl before sweeping her arms wide. "Now as you can see all your clothes are displayed around the room with your names underneath. So just find yours and try it on and call me if you need assistance. There's not enough changing rooms for everyone, so guys, let the girls use them."

Mario and Fabio had straightened expectedly at the last sentence. The students started dispersing around the room. A few cries of "What the hell!" and "Where does my head go?" rang out.

Kadaj grabbed Sephiroth's elbow and steered him towards the back wall. "I found ours! Look."

"It's very …leathery," he finally said.

Kadaj was squeezing his hands into the sleeves. "Its kinda tight. Phew."

Loz was trying to do up the front of his jacket. "Ya think? Why the hell do you have flares Kadaj? What are you going to be doing, disco dancing? A disco dancing villain. Classy."

"Maybe all the good guys and bad guys will settle their differences with a dance off?"

Yazoo had picked up what looked like an extra long, extra tight trench coat. "Um am I supposed to wear anything under this? Here Loz," he threw him some talcum powder that Edie had thoughtfully provided.

Loz had finally managed to zip up the front by not breathing and sacrificing a few ribs. But when the breathed out the whole thing bust open. "Damn."

Sephiroth had located his costume and was none too pleased. The pants looked like leather fishing waders. He called Edie over.

"Edie what's this? Am going to be a boxer?" He picked up a wide leather belt decorated with steel. "It looks like a one of those World Title belts."

She slapped him playfully on the shoulder, "No silly it's a sort of jazzed up cummerbund. Anything else?"

"Now that you mention it, where's the shirt?"

"Oh there's no shirt. You go bare-chested under the trench coat." She was still grinning.

Sephiroth however was not. "Won't that chafe? Not to mention be really cold and uncomfortable?" He couldn't imagine taking over the world and becoming a God with sore nipples and frozen blue pecs.

Edie seemed to read his thoughts as she reached into her pockets and pulled out a jar of Vaseline. "There you go. Use it wisely, it has to last the whole game."

Sephiroth widened his eyes and sighed. "Thanks. How thoughtful." He glanced up to find Mario looking at him with glittering eyes and a big smile.

"Its for the game, for my…uh…never mind." He ran over to hide behind Loz and Yazoo who was still debating on what to wear under his coat. However Edie had come over and settled it.

"You expect me too wear nothing underneath!" Yazoo's voice rang around the room. "Are you mad?"

Edie was unperturbed. "We can't be having VPL. Check in the coat pocket."

"V bloody PL?" but Yazoo did as was he told. He drew out a small silver G-string.

"Holy shit!"

Loz punched him the jaw, "Try not to do any splits."

Sephiroth suddenly felt better. "Wow Yaz that's real badass."

His brother gave him a death glare. "Shut up. Least I'm not the one with the Vaseline."

"And that my dear children, is called fan service." Edie turned her back and walked off.

The brothers watched Edie's retreating back open mouthed.

"What was she on about?" Kadaj furrowed his brow.

"Don't know," Loz said thoughtfully. The brothers looked all around them and above as if they suspected a higher power was at work.

Edie surveyed the room to see how the students found their clothes. A few looked disgusted while the rest looked confused. She made her way over to one of the happier customers, Kuja.

"So what do you think?"

Kuja had tears streaming down his face. "Its just…just so exquisite! I'm so glad I waxed before I arrived at the school."

"I'm glad you like it. Now if you excuse me." Freya was calling her.

"Yes Freya, everything alright?"

"No actually." She pointed to Kuja. "What possessed you to give him a cut off blouse and an off the hip skirt? He's just going to be parading around making everyone look at…"

Edie held up her hands. "Wait a sec, you mean Kuja's a _he_? I was convinced he was a she. I mean look at…him." She was at a loss for words.

"I'd rather not if that's alright with you." The rat lady crossed her arms. "You'd no idea did you? I don't blame you."

Edie by this time was backing slowly away, nearly tripping over Vivi who was trying to walk in his ridiculously baggy pants.

The dressmaker's next port of call was Lulu who was refusing point blank to put on her costume.

"But its so you!" Edie remonstrated.

Lulu was indignant. "Are you saying I'm a Scarlet Harlot? A woman of the night? I mean look at this. Leather belts, feathers, and a corset. I'd have to melt myself down and be poured into it."

"I'm not saying that at all. Just step into the dressing room, loosen the strings and try it on," Edie said. She held back the curtain and waved Lulu in. "It won't kill you."

"Giving me a bra wouldn't have killed you either." Lulu grumbled. "Yuna? Could you tie up the back for me?"

Yuna, in her costume, waddled over but tripped over some discarded clothes. She ended on her back, like a turtle, unable to get up due to the super restricting obi.

"Can't……… breathe."

Kimahri, instead of helping Yuna up took the chance to show Lulu what a true gentlemen he was by thoughtfully volunteering to do up her corset.

"Stop pawing me you brute! All you have to do is tighten it. Get your hands off me you damn dirty Ronso!"

"Kimahri can't avoid pawing Lulu due to Kimahri having only paws. Kimahri think this is a good look for Lulu."

"Lulu no cares what Kimahri think," she replied sourly.

"Don't patronize Kimahri." He stepped away.

By this time a small crowd (mostly men) had gathered outside the dressing room. When she came out the chorus of wolf whistles and "Oh yeahs!" blew her eardrums out.

"I bet Lulu's weapon is going to be the whip." Tidus nudged a very disgruntled Wakka who had to wear sunglasses to don his luminous yellow clothes. If they could be called that.

This did nothing to improve Lulu's mood. The dress was tight, the fur trim was itchy and the corset had jacked her boobs up so high she could rest her chin on them. "I am going to be so grumpy in the game because of this."

Edie looked triumphant while Lulu muttered obscenities under her breath. "See? You're a big hit!"

Tifa meanwhile felt like hitting someone. And Cloud was nowhere near. She was sure that Edie had made a mistake and forgot to get the rest of her outfit. A skirt shorter than Cloud's attention span, a pair of braces and a horrible white crop top were more strategically placed pieces of cloth than clothes.

"Wow Tifa you really got the bottom of the barrel," Quistis said.

Aeris started laughing, "Good sensible clothes for all weathers."

Tifa shot her friends a dirty glare. "Least I'm not in all pink. Pink to make the boys wink eh? Well their eyelids will be going faster than the speed of light when they see that monstrosity."

Aeris stopped laughing, "Touché." When Aeris had first seen the dress and waistcoat, not realizing it was hers, she fell about the place giggling, "I pity the poor fool who has to wear _that_!"

Now resplendent in an outfit that would burn out a Goth or Vincent's eyes at a hundred paces she fiddled with her enormous bow that seemed to fuse into her head as soon as she tied it on.

Tifa had bigger problems. If she was to wear the outfit it would mean shaving everyday, which she didn't think her legs would take and fake tanning and unwanted attention from every Zidane, Irvine and Mario in the school. Well maybe not Mario.

By this time all the men that were camped in front of Lulu's dressing room had relocated to Tifa's.

"You hold them off Aeris."

"What? Oh okay then." She ran into them waving her arms about like one trying to scatter birds. Surprisingly it worked.

"Augh! My eyes!"

"Can't stop blinking!"

"Oh shut up you babies." Aeris stood outside the curtain and peeked inside. "Ready Tif? Quick they're recovering!"

Tifa took a deep breath and pulled back the curtain with a flourish ready to face the music. However the reaction wasn't the one she expected or even hoped for.

"Augh! My eyes!"

"The whiteness. Too bright!"

"Oh for (!8:) sake," Tifa said.

"Break it up people." Edie jumped in between Tifa and the boys. "Now you've got the rest of the day to get used to the clothes, tomorrow you're getting your weapons and a surprise.

"Why am I not comforted by the word surprised?" Sephiroth said.

* * *

"Its Sunday," Kadaj informed his brothers while checking his _Year's Sexiest Lawnmowers _calendar.

"So we've been here for5 days. Five fun filled madness inducing days, with more to look forward to. If the introduction is anything to go by." Yazoo was moping on the bed feeling sorry for himself. "Better start making out my will then."

"If that's the case then I'm getting your collection of priceless paperclips." Sephiroth lifted his feet to allow Loz hoover under the chair.

Loz, in a fit of domesticity, had broken out the frilly apron and Marigolds and was cleaning the room in a frenzy. "You know, you're entering a cult when you buy a Dyson," Sephiroth remarked.

His beefy brother was too busy coating everything in Mr. Sheen to notice. "Honestly, how can you guys make such a mess? I actually found dust bunnies under your bed Kadaj. They tried to attack me."

"Yeah I call the small one Thumper."

Loz narrowed his eyes and straightened up, "I also found these," he held up a few magazines.

Yazoo laughed manically and kicked his legs in the air. "Busted! Hahaha!"

Kadaj had meanwhile turned very red. "I… can explain."

His older brother held up a hand, "No need to." He threw the magazines, which had titles such as _Pimp My Lawnmower _and _Fifty Best Fields to Mow_ on the coffee table. " Nothing you do is ever normal. Can't you buy …ordinary magazines if you get my drift?"

Kadaj wiped a relieved hand over his brow. "Hey it's a hobby you know and…"

"Seriously though where do you get these!" Sephiroth was flicking through one, his eyebrows raised so high they had disappeared into his hair. "There's actually a target market for people like you," he added incredulously.

Before Kadaj could answer another voice spoke in their heads, _"So how are my little preciouses doing?"_

"Mother!" Kadaj cried. "Quick! Look busy!"

"Oh great. Jenova." Sephiroth rolled his green eyes.

"_I heard that Sephy. So how's the school?"_

"_Do the words 'complete pandemonium' mean anything to you?"_

"_Glad you're having so much fun. (gulp) Ugh this Mojitos disgusting. (gulp)_

Sephiroth shook his head. His Mother was probably swanning around the lab, hair in curlers, dressing gown half open, a cigarette clamped between her teeth and a cocktail implanted in her hand. She'd only called to check up on them as there was a break in the 'Golden Girls' marathon. Most of the time she did some DIY by taking one of Hojo's chainsaws to the furniture and plotted against "the other woman", Lucrecia.

"I miss my kids. Nobody mixes drinks like Lozzy. (gulp) That bitch is going to rue the day she dug me out of that rock (gulp)…Damn I dropped the bottle. I'm going to do up the whole house while your gone. That stupid Hojo he's been neglecting me, I'm sure his cheating on me with another creation. (slurp) That stupid, self-centered pri…"

Sephiroth let out an exasperated sigh._ "Listen Mother I have to go."_

"_Yes. Go my son. And remember your mission. Kick blondies ass, kill the Ancient, obtain the Black Materia, become a God and bring me my Jack Daniels. (gulp) I don't care about the others but don't forget the booze. Now go. Love and kisses to Yazzy, Lozzy and ………Kadaj."_

_"What the..? Okay bye."_

"So what she say?" Kadaj asked over the top of his mag. Sephiroth was rubbing his temples; Mother was evidently drunker than he thought.

"She sends her love and wants us to bring her back something."

"Three guesses what it is." Yazoo made a drinking motion. "Maybe we can give her some of Vincent's special brew. That should keep the old battle axe quiet."

_"Who's a battle axe Yazzy?"_

"Damn!"

Suddenly an invisible force kicked Yazoo off the bed and he ran around the room as if chased by bees. His three brothers carried on with what they were doing. One of the more annoying facets of having an alien for a Mum was that she could discipline you wherever and whenever.

After a bit Yazoo stopped running, having groveled sufficiently to Jenova.

"I can't believe she spanked me." He rubbed his rear, "Ow. An icepack would be great about now Loz."

Abruptly Cid's voice came over the intercom, "What the feckin' hell do you think ye're doing? Reno! That's new (!8:) carpet! Stupid frickin' moron. If you don't cut it out my foot and your arse are going to be better acquainted. Anyway all students are to go to the hall immediately. Put that (!8:) flower vase down! Jeez that's (!8:) disgusting. Reno, what in the hell is that? My foot, your ass and a whole world of pain just for you, comin' right up."

The brothers were the last to enter the hall due to Yazoo walking like an old man. They found the students sitting on chairs facing the stage upon which all the teachers stood.

Loz sidled in beside Squall. "We miss anything?"

"Whatever."

"Cid's just after announcing that Reno has volunteered to be Mario's model and is wondering if anybody knows a good upholsterer," Aeris whispered from the seat in front.

"Quiet at the back." Cid's gaze swept the room. "Now that's everyone's here it's time to give ye your surprise which is to allocate the jobs. Every student will get a job…"

The rest of the sentence was drowned out in a wave of expletives from the pupils. Cid had anticipated this and pulled out his trusty pellet gun. "Shut up the lot of ye! I'm the Principal." He waved the gun around. "Now that we understand each other, I'll continue." He pulled out his cue cards. "Ye will be given specific jobs around the school, no complaining. It will count towards ye're results at the end and give ye a good learning curve, whatever the shagging hell that is. It'll also compliment what ye've learned in the school."

Seifer guffawed, "We haven't learned anything in this dump yet."

"Ye've learned valuable life lessons."

"Such as?" Nooj asked skeptically.

"That's the first line you've said in four chapters. Anyway ye've learned that the majority of the staff are not to be trusted, that Mario is the creepiest person alive and that its possible to buy a nurse's outfit in Barett's size." He pointed to the aforementioned. "Besides it's school. Its going to be the happiest days of ye're sorry lives."

"Obviously if you can say that than you never went."

Cid ignored Sephiroth's insult. The quicker he foisted the students to their respective employers the quicker he could get rid of the nasty mess Reno left in his office. "Right so who has the list, I know there is one I made sure the moron twins weren't put in charge of this."

"Wow, finally someone realizes the idiocy of giving those two anything more than a drink to handle." Quistis sighed, "What it's not like I'm the only one who thinks that."

"(!8:) she's right you know and after this morning's display I'm beginning to wonder if you can even handle a drink Reno. Moving on, we've decided to place you in these jobs based on the certain, ehem skills, you lot have at some stage exhibited. Let's get this over with."

* * *

"Kadaj, you get the, hehe, enviable, hehe, pleasure, haha, of working, haha, with Seymour as a gardener." Cid was turning red from holding in his laughter.

"LANDSCAPE ARCHITECT! MORON. How many times am I going to have to defend the…."

"Noble art of sculpting our most undervalued source of gardening delight. Grass so highly underrated by people who believe themselves above the simple lawn, when in fact they are lower than the lowest worm… blah blah blah." The rest of the staff finished Seymour's rant in such a bored tone of voice that suggested many hours of trying to ignore it.

**CLAP CLAP CLAP**

Kadaj was on his feet applauding, "That was so beautiful and true," he wiped a tear from his eye and turned to the other staff members, "You lot need to work on your delivery, it didn't sound like you meant it at all."

"Eep." Kadaj was yanked to his seat by Sephiroth, while everyone else gaped at his display of stupidity. Cloud took the opportunity to look in one ear and see if he could see clear out the other side, Loz shoved him before he could find out the answer.

Seymour walked to Kadaj's seat and stared approvingly at him. "Finally someone worthy of my tutelage. Come, we have many fields to mow and seeds to sow."

Kadaj's eyes glistened with tears at the prospect of anything involving lawnmowers. What he didn't realize was the fact that his tears made his eyes sparkle, and that could only mean one thing.

"Woohoo Shiny."

"They sparkle so bright."

"Like stars."

"Must …touch… the… shine…"

"Get away from me you shine hoarding-harpies. Filthy magpie wannabes. My eyeballs are not for touching, stop that, you have very sharp nails. Dammit you got glitter in my eye. Sob. Oww, can't get it out." Kadaj rubbed furiously at his eye trying to simultaneously batter the approaching TWATS.

Yazoo grabbed Mario's handheld mirror and when it caught the sunlight, he flashed it in the TWATS direction. They snatched the mirror from Yazoo and were playing with it, leaving Kadaj time to dry his eyes and remove the offending glitter.

"This place just keeps getting (!8:) weirder by the day. Alright, Seymour and Kadaj will be taking care of the lawns, so that leaves Aeris and Yuna to plant some flowers an' crap like that, what's the word…"

"Foliage." Denny smiled helpfully at Cid.

"Yeah that crap, how'd you know that?"

"It's what Bahamut eats after a late night and hot curry."

Spiller sighed, "That's roughage, you idiot."

"Yeah roughage is the right word, but Bahamut being as wasted as he is, just grabs the nearest plants and goes with that. He's too lazy to get some Bran Flakes from the cupboard, yet traipsing into the Swamp is no problem." Lyonal shook his head at the Dragon's twisted logic.

Cid pointed at Yuna and Aeris. "Right so you two are doing that. Seymour will take you to the garden shed where you can find everything you need." A beam of light hit Cid's face; the TWATS were having the best time with the mirror. "As for you lot, we decided that a job wasn't the right way to go."

Rinoa looked at Cid with wide eyes, who hadn't yet decided what they were to do. "So… what are we doing?"

"Cheerleading…" Mario smiled at the girls, "Oh you girls would be perfect for cheerleading, think about it, you'll have to spend time making outfits and practicing. Of course you'll do it in private, because you wouldn't want us to see it and to ruin the surprise now would you darlings."

The girls started chattering excitedly while everyone else sighed in relief. The TWATS were off spending time alone to work on their cheers and costumes.

Cid worked through the list until everyone had a job then they had to go off with their new bosses and find out exactly what they were doing.

* * *

"So basically all you have to do is pretend you're listening, like you're doing right now. Just let them ramble on too, most people like the sound of their own voice anyway. There was this one guy who came in and kept going on and on and all I could think about was a nice cold drink…."

Reno prattled on oblivious to the fact that Squall had stopped listening and was now staring around the office that he was to share with Reno and Rude. Share might be an overstatement, considering the fact that they spend almost all their waking hours and some sleeping hours in the Crypt he'd probably have the place to himself. Not bad considering the fact that there was a door behind his leather reclining chair that lead into a game room, Rude was in there now trying to beat Reno's dance-off record. This job could just about be the cushiest, all he had to do was listen and say nothing, exactly what he already does.

"… eventually he left and I was off like a bullet. Anyway, you're probably wondering why we picked you huh?"

Squall didn't really, "Whatever."

"Yeah, well that's kind of it, you're a really good listener and Cid felt that the students mightn't come to us with all their problems and would prefer to share it with someone their own age. We chose you cause you don't talk and it meant we don't have to always be here, oh here's a pager if you really need us or we really need you… You get the idea. If you've any questions, tough, we don't know the answers. Do what we do and wing it, if anyone gets to emotional hand 'em a tissue anything else, there's a few self help books around the place use some of the crap from that. Rude, let's go I'm dyin' of thirst out here."

Rude walked out from the back room, "Kid you comin'?"

Squall got up and shrugged, "Whatever."

"Got keys?" Squall showed them to the pair. "Lock up and follow us down."

After locking the counselors' room Squall followed his 'bosses' down to the Crypt. He was definitely enjoying his job so far and compared to some of the others his was a dream come true.

* * *

Kuja was jumping for joy at his job. "This is fabulous. So I'm just a real life mannequin. My dream is finally a reality. I'm perfect for this. This is my pedestal, excellent, so when do we start?"

Edie looked to Rinni then back to Kuja, "I suppose right away. We have to make a few copies of the costumes then it's just staff clothing for the rest of the time. I know Barrett has requested proper scrubs."

"The only other thing is the TWATS want to stop by to discuss patterns and material for their cheerleading outfits. Their bringing some skirts of their own, so Kuja you won't be needed for that."

Kuja glared at Rinni, "No, I'm the mannequin here, they want clothes made they have to be tried on by me first."

"I don't know they are girls clothes and well, surprisingly, you're a guy." Edie stared doubtfully at Kuja.

"So what I'm a guy, sweetie check out these hips, I'm more femmequin than mannequin." To emphasize his point Kuja pointed to his own hips. Neither Edie nor Rinni could argue with him there, he did have a woman's hips.

While Kuja was delighted with his job, the pair who ended up with Miss Alex were far from happy.

* * *

Irvine scowled at the room that was fast becoming smaller every second he spent in there. "I can't believe this, what the heck does 'she' need two of us for?"

"There are a lot of shoes, and headdresses maybe it's something to do with that. Either way I'm just glad there's an open double door into the next room." Zidane was staring in said door that opened up right into Edie and Rinni's place. Kuja was standing on a podium, twirling and pulling poses while singing "I'm too sexy" by Right Said Fred. Irvine thought he was anything but sexy or normal, Miss Alex chose that moment to walk in and find both guys wince as a tone-deaf Kuja tried to reach a high note and miss it completely.

"Now boys, attention to this room please. What I need you two for is this, this shoes need to be polished as do the headdresses. The runway needs to be sturdy before anyone starts walking on it, I don't want none of my shoes broken. That's the gist of what needs to be done anything else I'll let you know. Although most of the time we'll spend with Edie, Rinni, Mario and Fabio, gossiping, reading magazines and having lunch. Let's see how the girls are doing? What the hell does that idiot think he's doing besides murdering ear drums, if he don't shut up soon, I'll make him."

Irvine and Zidane followed Miss Alex next door, they decided working for her wouldn't be so bad especially if she was willing to punch Kuja and shut him up. The fact that they'll be spending most of their time with Edie and Rinni also made them more agreeable to the job.

* * *

Across the hall Ultimecia stared around the salon bored. She was here to apparently be a model of new styles and other such boring stuff. At the moment she was sitting in rather comfortable seats drinking cappuccinos with Fabio, while flicking through some magazines nearby. Mario was storming throughout the school looking for his muse and supposed second model Sephiroth, who had mysteriously disappeared once he heard the job he was assigned to. Not that it matter to Ultimecia she didn't care either way, so far here job was just a glorified spa session, and Ultimecia loved spas so all in all she was as close to happy as she could be.

* * *

Lesley was currently showing Paine and Kimahri around the gym when Mario marched in, searched the room and went back out.

At Lesley and Kimahri's puzzled looks Paine explained. "Sephiroth disappeared the moment he found out that he was to be a model for Mario."

"Explains a lot. Right well on with the tour, over here is the main equipment. I'll be showing you how to work the individual pieces in the minute, the mats are in the storeroom at the far end of the hall as are the rest of the equipment like balls and ropes, etc. The only thing you two need to do is keep the place clean, fix the equipment when it's broken, and show the other students how to use the equipment. You'll also have to give out towels and send the dirty ones for the wash. The only other thing is making sure to mop out the sauna every night, other than that it's fairly standard. Both of you know what to do?"

Paine nodded.

"Kimahri got one question, does Kimahri get to clean ladies locker room."

"No."

"Kimahri knew you say that."

* * *

The Crypt was the next stop on Mario's list as he hunted Sephiroth, once again Mario couldn't find him and left in a bigger huff than he arrived in.

Once Mario had gone Vincent again showed Tifa and Lulu how to serve drinks, while Auron sat by the door with a drink in hand taking his bouncer duties very seriously.

Tifa poured another bit of the bottle into the glass, "So there's no real way to do this?"

"Nope, just put whatever you want in a glass, hand it out and if no one needs to be resuscitated keep the recipe in your head and serve it again. You get to name any drinks you create too."

"Isn't that highly irresponsible? Not to mention lethal." Lulu tentatively poured some more of the green bottle into her glass, last time she tried to do this the mixture exploded because she had too much of the yellow drink in it.

Vincent chuckled, "Not really, having survived my special drink, your stomach acid should be well able to handle any other concoction. How do you think Reno, Rude and the three janitors are still going?"

"Good point. So how come you picked us? It's not like we're any more qualified than the rest of them." Tifa waited for Vincent to respond, but hearing none both she and Lulu faced him, to find him looking not at their faces but lower.

"Well ladies…."

Lulu interrupted, "If you're going to say what I think you're going to say, forget it."

"Believe me girls this is not for my pleasure, although the view's quite nice, rather it's for the punters. The bigger the… smile the larger the tips, get it?"

Both girls nodded and when Reno, Rude and Squall entered, they put a smile on their faces and asked what drinks the boys would like. The tip jar wasn't long filling up.

* * *

"Ack, cough cough. That's it I give up, where's the gas mask. Quistis, Quistis, where are you?" Yazoo whipped around looking for his co- worker only to curse himself when he realized he was creating a dust tornado.

"**Mm mmmm mmmm, mmmm!"**

"What?"

Sephiroth clapped his hand on Yazoo's shoulder and nearly got his head taken off in the process by Yazoo's hair. "Watch where you swing that? Follow the sound of her voice, I think she went to look for the window and the curtains ate her."

"Marco"

"**Mmmm."**

"Hey Seph, she's over here, give us a hand."

The pair finally managed to find Quistis under a pile of moth eaten curtains and Mills & Boon novels. "Thanks. I don't know what was worse being under those curtains, or the thought that I'd only have Mills& Boon to read until I was rescued."

"Hello! Oh so this is where you've been hiding?"

Sephiroth dove behind the nearest pile of books and started maneuvering towards the door.

Yazoo laughed at the momentary panic that filled his otherwise emotionless older brother. "Relax Seph, it's only Loz. How come you're here?"

"The made me the mechanic even though I don't have the first clue about engines, so they said there was some books in the library. It took me half an hour to find this place, I was surprised they even had a library, let alone knew what one was."

Quistis popped back up having helped Sephiroth find his way out of the maze of books. "I think everyone was surprised this place had a library."

"Hey Kadaj I thought that you were working with Seymour? Why are you wearing glasses?" Loz squinted at a dust covered Quistis who's hair had turned silver with the amount of dust on it.

"Do I look like I'm your moronic little brother? As for the glasses I have no idea why have them, why didn't they give you a pair?"

Yazoo shrugged, "They said I wouldn't be a very sexy librarian," seeing the looks he was getting Yazoo continued, "You know the average looking librarian, who whips of her glasses and lets down her hair, revealing how she's actually extremely good looking."

"Never mind and no before you ask I'm not doing that. Seeing as you're here you can help us sort this place out." Quistis started brushing the dust off and then realized that it was completely pointless with the state the library was in.

"So how are we going to manage this?" Yazoo flashed his torch onto the map they were given of the library. "They built the place then they left the books and took off. Judging by the state of the place I wouldn't blame them."

"To think i complained about our room being dirty this morning. How about we get a window open and work from there."

Quistis nodded. "Sounds like a plan Loz, you get the windows open, Yazoo and I can find the light switch."

"That's fine with me." Yazoo moved to let Loz find the windows and turned to Sephiroth. "So, what are you going to do now? I'd say you can risk leaving without running into your fan club, if you have any trouble you can always come back here."

Quistis snorted, "Yep, 'cause it's highly unlikely Mario will be caught dead in a library, it just doesn't match his colour scheme. All these books with different coloured covers would clash. Gasp, shock horror."

Yazoo looked at Quistis and said seriously, "Not to mention the fact that it would ruin his reputation to be caught dead in a place that doesn't sell Vogue."

Loz grabbed his chest dramatically. "What no Vogue, Elle... Cosmopolitan. And to think this place calls itself a library!"

Sephiroth left the group who were laughing hysterically and darted as quickly as he could to find the only people who could save him. He just hoped he didn't bump into Mario on the way.

* * *

The three janitors were leading their group out to the Swamp and were going through the various jobs they'd have to do.

"…but basically all we do is laze about and play soccer with Ifrit." Denny looked around to see if there were any questions.

"That's it! I can live with this." Garnet was happy that when it came to this job the bare minimum was required.

Spiller sidled up next to her and Freya, "We do have to warn ye though to stay away from Odin and guys if you need to go in, groups of three are best."

The group nodded.

"Hey we got off easy, did you see Wakka, Amarant and Steiner. Oh man that job sucks." Tidus laughed.

Lyonal was trying to figure out which job they got when he remembered it was the canteen they were placed in. "Hey Dorothy is a lovely lady, they'll have a blast with her, she's always baking cakes and stuff."

"It's not that he's laughing at it's the fact that they both have to wear hairnets." Gippal sent everyone else into fits of laughter when the remembered seeing Steiner trying to work his armor helmet into a hairnet. Then the image of Amarant who was trying to get his hair which defied gravity, to stay in the hairnet made them laugh harder.

"Wakka didn't look pleased either, said something about having to wear ridiculous clothes and now having to suffer through the indignities of a hairnet." Baralai couldn't help but be thankful that the only uniform the janitors had was a jumpsuit that they allowed you to pick in any colour you wanted.

Zell gazed into the Swamp, "What about the monsters?"

Spiller shrugged, "They're no hassle, don't bite them then they won't bite back."

"I can live with that." Cloud swatted at a bunch of flies in his way. "It's the flies that get me."

Denny looked at Tidus, Cloud and Zell, "Did we land all the blond idiots? Why?"

"Because Denny, you're the only one who speaks fluent stupid too." Lyonal quipped.

"Hey!"

"I'm not stupid."

"You're the idiots."

"At least I'm not blond."

The group continued until they reached the Chocabo enclosure,Lyonal pointed at Baralai and Gippal. "Right you two have been specifically assigned to the Chocabos, we've left instructions with the food so work away. Any trouble, scream for help, it'll take us an hour to respond though, but only if we feel like responding."

The two walked to into the pen and went about finding the instructions while the group continued their trek. Cloud stood outside a familiar dog house. When Cid mentioned that he was going to be taking care of Cerberus he had just shrugged and did as he was told. The name didn't ring a bell. "I'm sure I've been here before."

Suddenly Cerberus came bounding up followed by a smaller red dog.

"Hang on I remember you. Ahhh! No!"

"Calm down. He won't hurt you," the red thing said.

"Yeah right. Great now there's two of ye, so no fighting over me. So what's you're name." Apparently Cloud saw nothing strange about a talking dog. Either that or he wasn't terribly bright.

"My name is Red XIII. The writers forgot to put me in at the start so they just threw me here."

Cloud scratched his head. "Uh has somebody being putting drugs in your food pellets?"

"Forget it. Just call me Red. C'mon let's take him for a walk then feed him."

The rest of the group were about to go reintroduce themselves to SAEGFs when Sephiroth came running up.

"Hey, I transferred into your group, Cid said it's ok and that he wouldn't blame me for wanting to."

Spiller walked up to him, "Why should we let you? I thought you were to work with Mario."

Sephiroth grimaced at the mention of Mario's name, "It would really annoy him if I was working with you lot."

Spiller clapped a hand on Sephiroth's back. "Welcome aboard. Let's move along. Soccer match anyone?"

* * *

The students were sent to the hall for another meeting after dinner. Mario was still pouting when he found out that Sephiroth was now with the janitors and had taken to glaring at them every possible moment he could. This of course only made the janitors laugh harder and hold up the polaroids they took of Sephiroth playing soccer with the rest of their group. If looks alone could kill, the trio would be dead and buried.Cid motioned for silenced and pulled back a curtain to reveal a display cabinet full of weapons.

"See I told you Lulu's weapon was the whip!" Tidus shouted when he spotted it up on the stage among the swords and rods.

Lulu turned puce when the boys started telling her to go up and collect it.

Cid surprisingly came to the rescue. "Sorry to disappoint you guys but that's actually Quistis' weapon."

Everyone turned to stare at Quistis, who had a shocked look on her face.

After recovering she shrugged, "Hehehe that'll come in real handy when I'm working in the library."

"Ya real handy," Yazoo rolled his eyes. "But I'm sure you'll find other uses for it." He winked at her.

"Keep those ideas to yourself or I'll crack it across your ass to fast you won't be able to sit down for a week."

Yazoo winced and rubbed his already battered heiny. "Do you know my Mother?"

The TWATS went up as a group to collect their weapons.

"Oh my Gawd this big metal cross is so shiny!" Yuffie picked up her shruiken and hugged it.

Rinoa got a nice surprise when she was given a dog as well as her pinwheel.

"You're so cute!" She grabbed the poor creature in a death grip and hugged.

"Wait a sec, who's bright idea was it to give _her_ a dog?" Seifer said. "He's not going to last. They'll completely cover him in glitter."

Eiko petted the dog. "Ewww what's all this foam around his mouth?"

"Woohoo rabies!"

Suddenly the other students saw Cid's reasoning behind giving them the dog.

They started applauding.

Cid just smiled but he could already feel PETA breathing down his neck.

Next up was Cloud who unsuccessfully tried to pick up the buster sword.

"Ooof can't you give me something lighter? Like you know a slingshot?"

Cid kicked him off the stage, "Rule number one: All Final Fantasy heroes must have a bad ass sword to make everybody go 'ohhh that's a bad ass sword!' You'll get used to it."

"Nice one Cloudy-boy. Look at the size of that thing. Sure you're not over compensating for something?"

Cid smirked to himself. If Sephiroth wanted to think that way then he was going to have a lot of explaining to do when he got Masamune.

"Sephiroth, come on up."

"You sound like a game show host," Sephiroth said when hopped up on the stage grinning. "So what you got for me? A Rocket Launcher?"

Cid grinned back. "Even better. Bring it out boys."

Reno and Rude appeared from the wings carrying an extremely long and heavy sword. They dropped it at his feet.

Sephiroth was opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. "You mean…that…"

"That's a mighty big sword," Loz said.

"How's he going to get it on the bus?" Kadaj asked.

"That's the least of his worries you dolt," Yazoo replied

Cloud was in hysterics laughing. "Compensating for something Seph? Eh?"

Sephiroth shot him a look that would reduce a person to ashes. "I'm not compensating for anything. I'm…." He trailed off when realizing that Mario was looking at him funny.

"_How's my big boy? Don't you mind those mean kids. I know that you're…"_

"_Shut up Mother. This isn't the time."_

Sephiroth sighed, picked up his sword and started lugging it off the stage. He'd a feeling that he was going to put it to very good use.

* * *

Phew, that was a long chapter! But we enjoyed writing it. Now you know the drill people, jus press that lil ol' review button and tell us what you think. 


	9. Tell me why

**Disclaimer:** (noun) To disclaim any right of ownership. Basically we own squat and however hard we try Square-Enix and the other reputable companies whose products we mention keep refusing to hand over their products' copyright and ownership to us… SIGH we'll keep trying though.

**A/N:** We're back! To all our reviewers you lot are the greatest and make writing this so much more fun. If you have any notions you'd like to see happen we are more than willing to try to fit them in. Shout outs are at the bottom of them page. To anyone who was affected by Hurricane Katrina, you have our sympathies and best wishes that was one ferocious hurricane, not to mention the aftermath.

**

* * *

Chapter 9: Tell me why I don't like Monday? Tuesday? Or any other day really?**

* * *

"Tell me why, I don't like Mondays.

Tell me why, I don't like Mondays.

Tell me why, I don't like, I don't like,

I wanna shoo(ooooo)t the whole day down."

Sephiroth groaned thinking about how appropriate the song actually was, especially when he realized he was still in this godforsaken hellhole that was posing as a school.

"That was the Boomtown Rats and according to Cid your wake up call. Another message has come through, if you don't move yer lazy asses outta the beds he's gonna set the #(?;&! SAEGFs on you and Odin has been up since he took his morning pills at dawn." Rinni's voice cut off from the intercom as a siren wail started blaring.

"Great this is just what we need, a splitting headache while we try to fend off a randy one-eyed SAEGF."

Loz chuckled, "You're really not a morning person are you Yaz."

Sephiroth stretched, "What gave it away, his surly demeanor?"

"Shut it you two, let's just get a move on, Kadaj has been up for an hour already. Something about him and Seymour greeting nature as it awoke."

"They're just sitting on the lawn, rolling around in the grass they cut yesterday. Ah man, I think they're crying. How did we end up related to him?" Loz said as he watched his youngest brother commune with nature as his guru sat next to him. "Oh yeah, this was shoved under the door this morning, it's our schedule for the day."

Sephiroth reluctantly reached for the sheet of paper the Loz handed him. "Please don't let it be his class first please. Ah #(?;&!."

"Now, now language like that will not be tolerated in this class and certainly not from your precious mouth. Such beautiful features marred by such vulgarity." Sephiroth could only blink as Mario continued to mutter about his features on his way to Fabio.

"You ok, you're looking a bit pale-er than normal."

"Loz, you just handed me the schedule and suddenly I'm sitting here…" Sephiroth turned to face Loz. "…What the hell are you wearing?"

"What?"

"Loz you're dressed in a silver and white knee length toga, carrying a harp and wearing the most ridiculous blond curly wig I have every seen. What is going on?"

Loz smiled serenely. "I'm your spiritual guide."

"…"

"You know I guide you through whatever is troubling you lately."

"Why you? Why not anyone else?"

"Why not! I'm the most mentally stable of all of us."

"…"

"Never mind. Just follow me."

The salon had faded and Loz and Sephiroth were walking through a white mist. Loz strummed a tune on his harp while Sephiroth tried to figure out what was happening to him. "Right this is nothing more than a hallucination from stress, lack of sleep and being in this place. Nothing is happening; I'm just loosing my mind."

Suddenly Kadaj came running out from the mist, dressed in animal skin trousers, with ivy attached as a belt and shoulder strap. That wasn't the strange part the horns from the top of his head was, looking closer Sephiroth realized that Kadaj wasn't wearing animal skin trousers rather he had a goat's legs. His lawnmower loving, gardener wannabe brother had turned into a satyr. Seeing nothing better to do the pair followed after their younger brother. Eventually they found his peeking between some bushes; Sephiroth assumed that whatever Kadaj was peeping in on it was probably a shiny new machine designed to cut grass. He changed his mind when he heard giggling. Shoving his head through the bushes he saw the TWATS dressed in togas playing about next to a brook in a meadow. **(1)**

"Well I'll be. He does have some 'normal' tendencies after all."

Kadaj glared at Sephiroth. "Shush you'll scare them away."

The TWATS had heard their voices and were looking about warily just as Kadaj burst through the bushes and ran at them. It was pointless as they had run the minute they saw him but Kadaj wasn't giving up.

"C'mon Loz we'd better follow him, and see that he doesn't kill himself."

Sephiroth ran after Kadaj while Loz, who had grown wings, flew next to him. They came to a cave and followed Kadaj in. They ended up in the middle of a clearing, they TWATS were sitting by a fountain while Kadaj sulked at the bottom of a throne. Didn't we just enter a cave? Sephiroth shook his head, nothing here made sense anyway. The other students were all milling about the room, eating drinking and talking. Sephiroth couldn't figure out why everyone was wearing Togas. His subconscious had an ancient Greece/Rome theme. It was then he noticed who was in the throne. Yazoo sat wearing a gold laurel wreath and was being fanned by Tifa. Aeris was at his feet gently washing his feet then painting his nails gold. Quistis was in Yazoo's lap feeding him grapes. Sephiroth was annoyed, if this was his hallucination he should be in Yazoo's place being worshiped, with Tifa fanning him, Aeris washing his feet but not polishing them and Quistis should be in his lap feeding him grapes.

Sephiroth turned to Loz to complain when the entire clearing disappeared and the pair now stood in front of a door. "What now?"

"It's time to speak to your conscience."

"Why?" Seeing Loz's pointed look Sephiroth sighed and opened the door. He was surrounded by white smoke.

"What the… my conscience is trying to kill me with second hand smoke. If any talking crickets come out I'll kill them."

The mist started to clear and Sephiroth could make out a human shape through it. It eventually cleared and Sephiroth's conscience was standing in front of him. It was none other than…

"Mother!"

"_Yes, Sephy."_

"You're my conscience? How can you be my conscience? I don't understand this, get your own conscience!"

"_Dearie get used to this. Eventually you'll never have a thought of your own anymore."_

"You bi… Get out of my head woman."

"_Why should I? I'm quite comfortable where I am? You'll just have to get used to me, and once you do exactly as I say your life will be much easier."_

"You… ugh, forget it. Just get out of my head its bad enough when you pop in as it is. Loz let's go, the old bat probably has some daytime TV to hopefully rot her brains with."

As he grabbed the door handle it changed to the handle of Masamune. Sephiroth had never been happier to see the sword. He turned around wanting to stab Jenova, only to find he was in Mario's salon with all the students wearing hair curlers and thankfully their normal clothes. He passed a mirror then stopped and looked in it. He was going to murder the pair of stylists. The curlers in his hair were the last straw.

Sephiroth found where Mario was standing and marched determinedly towards him, Masamune grasped tightly in his hand. Mario turned and saw him, he winked and blew Sephiroth a kiss. Students ducked out of the way as it flew towards him, just as it was about to hit him, Kuja jumped in front of him and caught it. Kuja stared at the kiss in his hand for a moment then turned and slapped it on his ass. Sephiroth shook his head and found Mario in front of him.

"Don't you just look darling," Mario was reaching to touch him. Sephiroth lifted Masamune and was about to make a stylist kebab when Masamune turned into a dozen red roses.

"Mario gasped, "Roses. My favorite. Oh you." Sephiroth couldn't move as Mario went to hug him, he was frozen in terror, all he could see was Mario moving to hug him.

"Auuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

* * *

Sephiroth woke with a jolt, tangling in the bed sheets and still screaming.

"Auuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh!"

"I think he's awake," Kadaj said drowsily from the top bunk.

Loz looked at him. "Your perception puts us all to shame."

"Shut up!" an irritated Yazoo threw his pillow at Sephiroth who was shrieking like a loon, still trapped in the horrendous nightmare.

"Auuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhh!"

Loz went over to his eldest brother's bed and grabbed his shoulders. "It was about Mario wasn't it?"

"Auuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhh!" Sephiroth nodded.

"Its ok, we won't let him hurt you. Right guys?" Loz looked at Yazoo and Kadaj who both shook their heads. Yazoo had taken out his gun Velvet Nightmare and was aiming it at Sephiroth's open mouth.

"Whatever happened it's all over now," Loz consoled.

"Auuuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhh!" Sephiroth replied.

"For damn sake Seph take a breath before you pass out!"

"Auuuuuugggg-don't call me Seph." He gave his brother the evil eye. Sephiroth collapsed back onto the bed pale and trembling. "It was horrible, horrible." He wrapped his arms around himself to stop from shaking.

"Such shameful behaviour," Yazoo sniffed while putting his gun away. "You'd never see me lose it like that."

"Hmm somebody has a selective memory. You don't remember your little freak out in the Crypt?" Loz said pointedly.

Yazoo sneered. "What are you blathering on about meathead?"

"We'll watch the tape tonight," Kadaj said while padding over to the door and picking up a large brown envelope.

"What tape?" Yazoo had taken out his gun again.

Loz waved his hands. "Put it away Yaz. How you feeling bro'?"

The silver haired man sat up and shook his head. "I'll never go to sleep again. I'm going to need counseling after that."

"And after going to Reno and Rude you'll need more counseling," Yazoo sniped.

"Everybody should have a brother like you Yaz," Sephiroth said. "What's in the envelope Kadaj? More mail-order lawnmower porn? Hmmm never thought I'd get to use those two words in a sentence together."

The teen reddened, "No actually but either way I don't think you should see what's in it."

"And what is in it?"

"Our timetables." Kadaj flicked through the booklet.

Sephiroth sighed. "Why would that bother me? Just bring it over."

Kadaj gave a small evil smile. "Well according to this it says that our first class is with Mario which means that you're first for "Special Treatment"."

All three turned to look at Sephiroth who had gone very still and taken a deep breath.

"Auuuuuuuuuggggghhhhh!"

A few minutes later….

Sephiroth sat up spluttering and coughing from the buckets of water Yazoo had been thoughtfully dumping over his head in a bid to shut him up.

"We tried to stop him," Kadaj said.

"I'm sure you did. Yaz I'm awake already!" Sephiroth shouted as his brother doused him again.

Yazoo was unrepentant. "That was for the smell." **(2)**

Loz jumped in between the two. "Stop. Let's not forget that we have our first day of school to attend." He took out the timetable.

"Our first day in 'State Sponsored Studies in Public Humiliation and Terrorism' aka Final Fantasy Finishing School." Yazoo shrugged. "I'm sure that the school motto _Snapus Popus and Crackleus_ actually means 'Welcome to Hell'. I mean what else could it be?"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "You know Yaz you could give Vincent a run for his money in the 'I'm so miserable even bread doesn't rise when I'm around' stakes."

"Yeah maybe you should ask Lesley about where to get some Prozac." Kadaj agreed.

"Hello people the timetable!" Loz waved it under their noses.

Along with the timetable there was a short letter in Cid's handwriting welcoming them to the school wishing them many 'happy and fulfilling days.'

"He was obviously being sarcastic when he wrote that."

"I hope so Kadaj. How'd he manage to spell 'school' with a 'g'?" Sephiroth snorted.

Also in the envelope was a booklet containing information on the teachers including grainy CCTV and police file pictures of them. The photo of Vincent was completely black. The one of Reno and Rude looked like it was taken through the scope of a sniper rifle.

"What are they doing out of the Crypt?"

"Must be lost." Loz turned past the page advertising Odin's roller-disco and congratulating the three janitors on their 100th conviction. "Hey we have battle practice tomorrow Seph, that should cheer you up. Give you a chance to test out Masamune."

"Indeed," he said thoughtfully already thinking of what damage he would do.

After his initial reserves about the sword Sephiroth had realized it was a very good weapon. He had spent yesterday 'bonding' with Masamune, running through fields of flowers with it, shredding the TWATS stuffed toys and chopping down random bus shelters. He even talked to it, referring to the sword as 'My Precious'.

"Ya know I think Seph likes that sword more than us. I can understand why; it doesn't talk back or make stupid remarks."

" I should hope so, it being an inanimate object and all. Never thought I'd say it but Seph is even crazier than usual." Yazoo had remarked.

Sephiroth kept the sword under lock and key after finding Loz trying to unblock the toilet with it. Also Irvine had managed to get his mitts on Masamune. He had tried to impress the girls by standing sideways, casting his shadow on the wall and holding the sword about crotch level. The girls, upon seeing Irvine's shadow had remarked that he would make a good clothes hanger. Sephiroth had giving Irvine two black eyes.

The three brothers glanced up from the booklet to find their eldest brother staring off into the distance with a smile on his face. Kadaj waved a hand in front of his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I was having a flash back," Sephiroth said. **(3)**

Yazoo shook him. "Well snap out of it. And we should stop quoting from films before we get sued."

Loz stood up, "C'mon if we hurry we can nip into Vincent's before our first class. I think Seph could use a stiff drink before facing Mario."

Yazoo laughed. "Maybe you should leave a list of what you're wearing Sephiroth so we can identify you at the morgue."

"If you keep on like that you'll be the one being identified Yazoo," Sephiroth shot back.

Loz grabbed all of them in a bear hug, "Can you feel the love? We're just one big happy family." He dragged them over to the door. "To the Crypt and beyond!"

* * *

When the brothers reached the pub they weren't all that surprised to find the rest of the students down there. They could hardly see Yuna for the amount of bottles on the table. Sephiroth went up to the bar to order while the others sat down. "The timetable seems to be doing wonders for the Crypt's business. I'm sure you had no hand in Mario's class being rostered first thing in the morning?"

"That's a load of bull and you know it," Vincent said unconvincingly. "What'll it be?"

"Whatever will render me senseless."

Vincent gave a small laugh and pulled some bottles out, "You'll be needing my special drink then. I won't dilute it."

Sephiroth widened his eyes. "You mean you've been diluting it the whole time? I woke up with short term memory loss the first time I drank it."

"You'll be lucky to wake up at all after this," Vincent said casually. "Here."

Sephiroth took the glass before the drink dissolved it. "What's in this anyway?"

"Well you just take one glass of…."

"Hey Seph we're still sober over here! Make with the drinky drinks." Kadaj waved him over.

"Yeah our livers aren't going to poison themselves."

Sephiroth squeezed in beside them. In the snug next to them Tifa and Aeris had their arms wrapped around each other and were looking into each other's eyes. If the show of affection was for Cloud's benefit it failed as Cloud was engrossed in watching the dust motes float from the ceiling.

Kadaj knocked back his drink in one gulp and immediately passed out. "Gud shtuff," Loz slurred from under his sleeve. Suddenly a black-gloved hand placed a triple measure of drink in front of Sephiroth. He looked up to find Quistis swaying slightly in front of him.

"Guess you're first up for Mario's special treatment. Even though you're a psychotic megalomaniac I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Can I sit down? I'm sick of Aeris and Tifa's lovey dovey stuff and the peanut gallery isn't exactly renowned for its conversation." She pointed over to the bar where Zell, Tidus and the TWATS were holding a competition to see who could count to ten backwards.

Sephiroth took the drink gratefully. "Thanks, I'm flattered." He pushed the unconscious Kadaj under the table and propped his feet up on him.

Quistis plopped down. "They put all the blond guys in one room. You should have seen them this morning trying to read the timetable. Tidus wanted to know what all those little squiggles on the paper were. He didn't believe me when I told them they were called words." She gave a high-pitched laugh.

Sephiroth snorted, "Doesn't surprise me in the least. I'd be amazed if they dress themselves in the morning."

"Not a hope with those three." Quistis motioned him closer so that their faces were inches from each other. "Edie and Rinni stop by in the morning to check everything is on the right way. Tidus had his head stuck in his sleeve this morning for a half an hour before he figured out that it wasn't the right hole."

Quisitis reached for her drink and slugged it down. Sephiroth looked at her warily as she swayed where she sat before collapsing in his arms. She then wrapped her arms around his neck and muttered "Nighty-night" before fully fainting.

Sephiroth blinked a few times, drained his drink and stood up to get another one, unfortunately he was trapped in a death-grip so he dragged Quistis with him. At the bar Kimahri was trying to convince Lulu to come with him to Vegas. Surprisingly it wasn't working.

"Many women would bend over backwards for a chance to holiday with Kimahri."

"I don't bend over for anyone and certainly not in this dress," Lulu said tartly while trying to fish a cocktail umbrella out of her cleavage.

Sephiroth elbowed Steiner's prostrate form off the bar and flagged down Vincent who raised an eyebrow at Sephiroth still being conscious and then laughed as Sephiroth set Quistis on the bar.

"Here just have the bottle. There's plenty more where that came from."

"I still want to know what's in this stuff." He took a swig and felt the enamel on his teeth erode.

"Anyway as I was saying, you simply take one glass of ….."

Vincent was again cut off by a loud noise, which sounded suspiciously like a cow in labour, coming through the intercom.

"That's sounds like a cow in labour," Auron said suspiciously.

"That's the bell for class," Vincent informed them while pulling out a fireman's hose. "So get lost." He turned it to max strength and soaked any students that were slow to move. He also took the opportunity to give the bar a quick clean while he was at it.

* * *

Yazoo clapped a hand on Sephiroth's back. "Well time to face the moisturizer. Hehehe."

"I don't want to go in there." Sephiroth shuddered remembering his nightmare Mario attack.

Loz threw an arm around his neck. "Ah c'mon Seph, we'll try to distract him best we can. Although, he's rather like a pitbull when it comes to you."

The brothers slunk into the middle seats and ended up next to Cloud, Quistis, Aeris, Tifa and Yuna. Cloud was asking Quistis what the various salon equipment was used for, while Tifa and Aeris were talking to Yuna about her role in the game and the potential love interest she was to be with.

Yazoo interrupted Aeris right before she could find out who Yuna was to be with, "What Tifa's not good enough."

Tifa glared at him.

"Shut it Yazoo. You're not stuck with one of the three stooges are you?" Aeris snapped.

Shrugging Yazoo sat down just as Fabio was calling for attention. "Hello everybody, today is the first day of the rest of your new life. And to help you on your journey to self-improvement… Mario."

Mario emerged from behind a curtain and stared at the less than enthusiastic faces and sighed. "Now, now, it won't be so bad…" glancing at Kimahri and a few others, "… for some of ye anyway."

Strutting over to a table he removed a cloth to reveal various bottles and creams. The students were stunned by the sheer amount of them on the table. Fabio sauntered over to Mario and handed him a pointing stick, then he brought over a whiteboard and markers.

"Right, we'll let's get to it shall we. We need to get some groundwork done before I start the transformations and you all have your individual J.D.M.s." Mario extended the pointer to one of the bottles when Eiko raised her hand. "Yes."

"Well I was just wondering what's a J.D.M.?"

"Oh, it's a Jaw Dropping Moment sweetie. I want you all to have one. When I work my magic there's gonna be some jaws dropping."

Sephiroth slumped in his chair relieved that Mario wasn't going to torture him while the people sitting near him snickered at the obvious relief he felt. Quistis whispered to him, "You owe me a drink. No torture no free booze."

"Hey, I never asked so it's a free drink. Anyway I had to carry your drunk ass around after you collapsed on me. So we're even."

Yazoo pretended to be hurt. "You mean you passed out on him and were totally vulnerable to molestation and I wasn't there. SIGH. I just can't resist a passed out sexy spec wearin' librarian."

Quistis just shook her head and turned her attention back to Mario who was still extolling the virtues of his J.D.M.s. Sephiroth looked at Yazoo. "Someone have a crush on a certain co-worker."

"Well she is a pretty good-looking woman and I get along with her. Face it Seph, there are worse people to be attracted to. Not to mention the whip she has, gives a guy something to think about." Yazoo laughed at the way his older brother was now looking at Quistis.

"I'll admit, the whip is definitely something to think about and she's probably the most normal of all the girls." Sephiroth shrugged and focused on what Mario was saying.

"Anyways you won't be havin' any J.D.M.s for a while. I need to perfect the canvas before I create the masterpiece." Mario looked in Sephiroth and his brothers' direction, "Some of you are almost perfect and just need some slight tweaking from me. So this is a cleanser…" Mario began pointing out bottles and creams and explaining what each thing did and how it benefited skin tone and hydration.

By the end of the lesson the students each had tests done so that Mario and Fabio could compile a skincare regime and products suited to their individual skincare needs. He took his time examining the brothers' skin as he didn't want to rush and give them anything to diminish their good looks. They however thought he was taking advantage and was a bit too friendly with his exam. Practically everyone bolted once the lesson ended.

* * *

Next class was 'Magic and SAEGFS- How to destroy people by waving your arms about.'

The pupils were huddled in the room waiting for the inevitable worst to come.

"Who's the teacher for this?" Aeris asked. "I didn't hear any mention of it."

As if in answer Aeris' question a smoke bomb suddenly landed at the groups feet, fire crackers popped and a from somewhere a stereo played the song 'I've got the Power.'

"Dear God no! Not Yojimbo!" Zell shouted.

The students took a step towards the swirling smoke ready to do some serious harm to the samurai. However an old man dressed in grey with a long beard came hacking and coughing out of the fumes. He pulled out a fire extinguisher from his robes and frantically blew the smoke away before turning to the pupils.

"Welcome I'm your teacher Goodgulf Greyteeth, Wizard to Kings and Fairy Godfather second class." He doffed his battered hat, which was decorated with sequins, and five aces fell out.

"Did you say Gandal…?"

"Hell no. I've nothing to do with that poser. He was supposed to be teaching this class but met with a tragic end. He tied himself to a pole before setting it on fire. Terrible really." Goodgulf shook his head. "Awful accident. But do not despair, for my powers are even mightier! Here pick a card, any card."

"Can we get on with the class?" Ultimecia asked.

Goodgulf straightened. "Glad to see someone with a work ethic."

"Not really. I just want to get out of here as soon as possible."

The magician meanwhile had walked to the middle of the room. "Here in this room you will learn all the secrets of magic and how to summon SAEGFS."

The teacher ignored the groan from the group at the words 'summon SAEGFS' and continued. "By waving your arms about in a silly manner you can command the elements. Here watch." He did the Macarena and suddenly a flame as bright as a burnt out match appeared in his hand.

"Such magic," Rikku breathed.

"Yeah you can barely see the Zippo in his hand," Paine whispered.

"Pretty neat huh?" Goodgulf said. "Now watch this. Water!" He did the YMCA this time and subtly held the lighter up to the sprinkler system. It didn't turn on.

"Water damnit! Well you get the picture." He went to a cupboard, pulled out a box and opened it. Inside were various orbs of different colours.

"Woohoo M&M's!"

"Eh no." He took a few out and started juggling. "You all have latent magic abilities but in the case of the FF7 crowd you need a little help. These are materia." Goodgulf threw one at Cloud who immediately tried to eat it.

Sephiroth took the black materia out of the box and buffed it against his sleeve. "Pretty cheap. What are all the different colours for?"

Goodgulf shrugged. "Beats me. You'll just have to find out for yourselves. Just don't do it anywhere near me."

"Isn't that dangerous? Not to mention highly irresponsible? We could blow up the school."

"Great idea Aeris." Loz looked sideways at her to prevent the pinkness from burning his eyes out.

Yuffie was stuffing the materia into her top. "So shiny!"

Kadaj had slotted a green materia into his sword. "Erm, Fish! Fire! Trees! Ketchup! Thunder! Lightning!"

Before the words had even left his lips a fork of blue lightning descended and struck Cloud squarely on the head.

"Oh no Cloud!" Tifa cried running towards him. "His mother will kill me if he looses any more brain cells."

"Cloudy boy!" Sephiroth said and did a little dance of despair.

Cloud sat up groggily, his hair sticking out in all directions. "Ow."

"He's fine everyone." Tifa patted his head. "Nice hair Cloud."

"Yeah you look like one of those toilet brushes," Aeris said helpfully.

The now spiky headed blond gave a smile. "Ahh thanks."

Goodgulf replaced the materia. "Listen don't bother suing because I've got insurance anyway. Now on with the class. Time for some SAEGFS!"

"Oh great."

"I can hardly contain my excitement."

The wizard gave them a sharp look. "These guys are going to be a valuable asset to your team, whatever game you're in. Treat them with great respect and you will be rewarded."

"Are you being paid to say that?" Seifer asked slyly.

"Yes. But that doesn't matter." Goodgulf scanned the group. "Would Yuna step up? You'll be the first to demonstrate how to summon."

Yuna walked out, twiddling her fingers nervously. "Can…someone…else…go…first?"

"Your voice is so boring I can barely focus on it." He grabbed her arm and walked to the top of the room. "You have your staff, good. Now just think of the summon you want to..eh..summon, twirl around and spin your staff."

"What…will…that…do?"

"Absolutely nothing. Just concentrate." Goodgulf then ran away and hid behind a table. The rest of the students followed suit.

"Yuna just don't summon Odin!"

"Or Yojimbo! Or Bahamut! Or Cerberus! Or…any of them really," Garnet called out.

"I…don't…know. Here… goes." Yuna spun around as well as she could in her clothes and twirled her rod prettily. She succeeded in knocking out a light bulb and smacking the side of her head.

After a moment of this a circle of light extended out from Yuna's feet and through the window the pupils could see the clouds parting in flashes of colour. A bang filled the room and everyone craned their necks to see what summon would appear. Out of a haze of light a piece of paper floated down. Yuna picked it up. "Out to lunch. Shiva," it read.

Freya gave a laugh of disbelief."Hmph, good job she wasn't fighting for her life in a battle."

"Never mind Yuna, try again." Goodgulf put on an old German army helmet.

"For…#;)&!…sake. Okay…fine." Yuna started dancing again and the circle of light appeared. A loud bang resounded and the group peered over the table.

Bahamut, as drunk as a skunk, lay prone on the ground, head thrown back and clutching a beer bottle in a scaly claw. His snores rattled the windows.

The students recoiled. "Why did you pick him Yuna! Why!"

"He…was…the…only…name…I…could…remember."

Bahamut had meanwhile struggled awake and was staring around with bloodshot eyes.

"Do any of ye have aspirin? Nice of ye to come visit." He belched and blew the windows out.

"Yuna," Goodgulf prompted.

Yuna walked up to the dragon and kicked his shin. He stopped scratching his ass and looked blearily at the little human.

"Mr…Bahamut…please…lend…us…your…strength." She took a packet of Cheetos out of her obi and waved it in front of the summons nose.

"A'right missy you got a deal. Mega Flare!" Bahamut flexed his arms and drew in an enormous breath.

"No…wait! I…just…want…you…to…"

"Run! He's gonna blow!" The students and Goodgulf ran towards the door trampling Zidane to the floor in the panic.

"Wow I can see up all the girls skirts from here. And Kuja's too. Ahhh!" Zidane covered his head to prevent being mashed into the ground.

A ball of light glowed in Bahamut's mouth then shot out like a star up into the ceiling. As with most things that are Mega Flared the ceiling started to crumble before huge chunks detached themselves and fell.

"Ooops." Bahamut decided that he had done enough damage for one day, opened his wings and sluggishly took off, making a new window in the roof in the process. The group gazed up at the dragon's departing form. He was flying erratically and just cleared the school grounds before nose diving and crash landing on the janitor's hut. Faint yells of "We told you not to drink and fly.", "You enormous steaming pile of #(?;!." And "Bahamut you're dead. We're gonna…"

"Well that went better than I expected," Goodgulf said while dusting himself off.

"Please don't make me kill you."

Loz held Sephiroth back. "Easy. Everyone's alright and that's the main thing."

Yazoo shook the dust and mortar out of his hair. "We're okay now but when Mario sees the state of us he'll go into overdrive."

The sentence hung in the air for a moment before the students, as one started screaming.

"Auuuuuuuuggggghhhhh!"

* * *

"Okay everyone gather 'round. I'm going to teach you guys and girls battle skills and how to handle your weapons." Lesley passed out some safety sheets. "Now study those, this is not a drill we're handling real weapons here."

After the fiasco that was Goodgulf's class Mario and Fabio, as expected swooped down vulture like and were about to drag the students to the salon before Cid intervened.

"Listen Queeny I think the kids have had enough of your particular brand of teaching for one day. I don't want them dying before the first week of school is out."

Eventually the hairdresser relented but only after Cid had said that Mario's ass looked big in his cords. Mario left in a flood of strangely coloured tears leaving the pupils to breath a sigh of relief.

So now they found themselves in 'Battle Basics 101' "We're going start off slow with just the basic victory poses. I'll demonstrate Cloud's first." Lesley picked up a sword, punched the air, spun it around his head and replaced it into the sheath on his back. "Simple eh? Now you try."

Aeris nudged Tifa, "This should be good, nothing is ever simple with Cloud."

Cloud strained his muscles and after 10 minutes eventually picked up his ridiculously oversized Buster sword. "Okay now try to spin it around your head."

Cloud hefted the sword above his head and tried to twirl it. He did so but chopped off his largest hair spike and a bit of Kimahri's tail in the process.

"Kimahri get you for that."

"What was your tail doing up that high anyway?"

"…….Kimahri doesn't have to answer your accusations."

After that the class went remarkably smoothly except for Tidus cutting off another bit of Kimarhri's tail while practicing his battle pose, Lulu throwing a fit when she realized that her victory stance involved showing the male demographic that wearing a bra was an outdated concept and Zidane accidentally cutting a 'Z' into Garnet's blouse. All in all it went well.

* * *

The melodious strains of 'Hit me Baby One More Time' blasted the students from their sleep the next morning.

"Oh dear God, make it stop," Yazoo had his head under the pillows. "My ears are offended."

"Stop whining, that's my job,"Kadaj said. "Hey what's that sound?" From the room next door came the sounds of squeaking and girlish shrieking.

"They're up early. Let's take a look." The room next to the brothers belonged to Zell, Tidus and Cloud. Quistis was preoccupied writing names next to pictures of all the students on a whiteboard. Tifa, Aeris and Yuna were preoccupied with jumping on the bed in their underwear, hitting each other with pillows and play fighting.

"Are they still keeping up that charade?" Sephiroth glanced over at Cloud who was examining the whiteboard, lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

"I'm not entirely sure it's a charade anymore."

"What's Yuna doing with them…?" Loz began.

The music stopped and Aeris bounced off the bed. "Yuna's part of our little rebellion. She signed up straight away when she realized that Tidus and herself were going to be paired up in the game. We even got our own group, WAMRL. Women Against Moron Romantic Leads."

Kadaj sniggered, "That's pretty crappy. Even the TWATS came up with better. Eeep." He hid behind Sephiroth. If looks could maim the kid would have left in a basket.

Yazoo jerked his head in Quistis' direction. "What's sexy librarian up to?"

"I heard that," Quistis said while turning around. "I'm teaching these guys everybody's names so they'll recognize them and won't call me Kimahri anymore."

"Easy mistake to make," laughed Loz. Quistis narrowed her eyes. With four furious females bearing down on them the brothers decided to make a hasty retreat. It was time for class anyway.

* * *

"Oh dear dear me. All wrong, all wrong!" Miss Alex dressed to the nines in a lace sarong that showed a generous amount of leg and a sequined tankini, paced back and forth muttering darkly.

The students were assembled for the first class of 'Power Strutting.'

"You people had the gall to just trudge in here. Where's the fire! The spark! If you want people to take you seriously then you got to walk the walk. Not slope around like Neanderthals."

She fixed them with a withering glare "Well?"

Baralai raised a hand. "What does this class have to do with anything? I can't imagine how prancing around will allow you to be taken seriously."

"Blasphemy!" A shaken Miss Alex pointed a painted finger at Baralai. "Learning the ancient art of nancing is the most important skill of all. Forget having a big ass sword, magical powers or whatever, if you don't know how to swing your hips when you walk nobody will take you seriously, not even amoebas! You haven't played the game until you've played it in three inch strappy heels!" She wrung her hands for dramatic emphasis.

Loz was unconvinced, "What a lame excuse for a class."

"Apparently the writers don't think so," Yazoo whispered back.

The teacher beckoned them forward and gracefully hopped up unto the large runway that ran down the middle of the room. "Come my children, you have much to learn."

The students stayed put. In a school full of flaming fruitcakes Miss Alex was definitely in the top 5.

"Now!" the drag queen stamped her stilettos and the pupils came unwillingly forward.

"First of all we're going to do some exercises. These will limber up your scrawny bodies and prevent any injury. But bear in mind if I find one scuffed shoe or chipped heel I'll have you on your knees scrubbing the runway with a cotton bud." Alex smiled sweetly, "Lets begin shall we?"

The next 15 minutes saw the students on their backs legs pedaling the air. "This is so degrading," Aeris said. "Lulu you okay?"

Lulu also on her back was in danger of suffocating due to obvious causes.

"Do…I…look…okay?" she gasped back.

After that came ankle rotation and pelvic thrusting to 'loosen up the hips' Miss Alex informed them.

And after that their tutor deemed them worthy of sashaying down her hallowed catwalk.

"Eyes to the front. I'll now give a demonstration so take note."

"Will this nightmare ever end," Sephiroth held his head in his hands. "I'm going to strike terror into the hearts of my enemies prancing around like a fairy."

"It could be worse bro'" Loz informed him, "you could be related to Cloud."

"Least you'll always have us."

"And Hojo and Jenova," Kadaj added.

But Sephiroth remained inconsolable.

Miss Alex had meanwhile started her graceful stride down the runway. Her audience watched open mouthed.

"She's," Quistis groped for an appropriate adjective, "molesting the ground."

Tifa retrieved her jaw from the floor. "I wasn't aware that hips could even move that way."

At the top their tutor posed and pouted before jumping down and walking over to a large stereo system. Flicking through the CD's she fired up a suitably cheesy Eurotrash tune. Clapping her hands she motioned to the shelves lining the walls groaning under the weight of fancy headdresses and Jimmy Choo's latest collection.

"Pick whatever you want. Kitten heels, mules, whatever. Then simply strut your stuff. I will be watching and criticising every eyelash you flutter, every hair flick and every step you sashay!"

The rest of the class was taken up with 'power strutting.' Unsurprisingly Kuja, in open toe platforms was the only one bar the TWATS that seemed to be making progress.

"Bravo sweetie!" Alex exclaimed. "You are a natural! The rest of you watch and learn. Especially you Yazoo, you need to improve on your hip work."

Yazoo resplendent in kicky summer sandals and a headdress that would put the Chiquita lady to shame was tripping down the runway like a new born baby giraffe.

Eventually Miss Alex grew tired of the student's luke-warm attitude. "Quistis honey may I borrow your whip?"

"Eh okay I guess."

Thus Alex calmly proceeded to flay some tushies.

"Ow no! Please!" Yazoo cried. "Haven't I suffered enough!"

The teacher paid no heed however. "Come on darlings. Being a Final Fantasy character has never been more exciting or sassier! Its all in the wrist honey," she added for Quistis' benefit as yet another backside was warmed.

Sephiroth, in a pair of stiletto boots, was nursing a blister and wondering for how long much longer could the authors get away with writing such tripe. He wasn't the only one.

A cooker timer suddenly rang out, Alex glanced at her watch then stomped her stilettos to get their attention. "Sweeties your time is up. Gently remove those precious shoes you are wearing, I swear one broken strap and I'm gonna start flaying heinies again."

Knowing a threat when they hear one the students carefully removed their shoes and placed them back on their rotating pedestals. There was one close call when Steiner got caught in one of Lulu's straps and she threatened to get a tin opener if he ripped the straps that were barely keeping her decent as it was. Miss Alex intervened when Lulu was about to use her brand new stiletto sandals as a can opener. Hobbling the students limped off to lunch before the next round of torture.

* * *

The corridor outside the next class was littered with the aching bodies of the students. They had enjoyed their lunch especially as they had jelly with it and had dunked their feet in their bowls to relieve whatever pain they could in their feet. Others had taken plastic bags and filled them with the jelly that was now serving as handy replacement ice-packs.

"What…ever."

"I'm with short and snappy on this one." Aeris could just about jerk her thumb to point at Squall.

Freya groaned, "If I can't feel any part of my body, why does it hurt so much?"

Garnet nodded before stopping due to the migraine she was creating. "I know. Who know how much walking in high heels would hurt? I have sore muscles in my legs I never even knew I had."

"Let's just hope our next class is nice an' easy." Irvine said.

"Good luck with that, it being a **fitness** class and all." Quistis snapped sarcastically.

Selphie looked like she was after smelling something really bad. The students realized this was her and the rest of the TWATS 'thinking' face. Not that they thought too often. "Maybe it'll be cancelled and we can like, you know… relax and stuff."

The students all stared at her expectantly. Selphie stared back. "What?"

Cloud tilted his head, "You never said Woohoo."

"Oh, that's kinda old, I'm trying to find a new phrase but then again, I don't know."

Tifa shook her head sadly, "There's not a lot you do know. Stick with Woohoo, although 'I don't know' is a good phrase for all of the TWATS to use."

The rest of the conversation was cut off by Lesley's arrival. "Whelcom to me Fishnet Chlass." Lesley slumped against the door and slid all the way to the floor.

"Shay ish not baaaad dhown here."

"Um Lesley about the class…"

"De chlass, dhrinks all 'round."

"…"

Paine raised an eyebrow. "Don't you have a Prozac addiction, not a drink problem? You seem to have taken care of the drink problem now though."

"Prozac ooooooohhhhhh, my dear schweet lickle pills. If I can'ts haves 'em I'll take de next addictive substance there issssss, booze…." Lesley passed out in a puddle of drool.

Everyone slowly turned to face Selphie.

"Well I'll be, Selphie was right." Tidus whispered.

"Let's not dwell on the disturbing thought of Selphie being right but on the fact that we now had a free class." Sephiroth turned and limped as gracefully as a drunk baby elephant down the corridor.

* * *

The last class in the day was Goodgulf's. Considering the farce that was his last class the students felt a small bit of trepidation as they assembled outside the debris-strewn classroom.

"I'm feeling a small bit of trepidation," Auron said.

Freya poked her head in and immediately withdrew it choking on the dust. "How do they expect to teach a class in there?"

"They don't," Seifer bent down and picked up a piece of paper stuck under his shoe and started reading. "Dear students due to Bahamut's renovating the classroom today's lecture will be held outside Ifrit's cave in the SAEGFS village. Any students deciding to skip will have to answer to the bottom of my boot. Now that we understand each other get off yer slow moving asses. Regretfully yours, Cid."

"He's an ambassador for the English language," Steiner said. "A bit like Squall really."

"Whatever."

Ultimecia started herding them towards the door, "Let's go guys. I'd rather not be acquainted with the bottom of Cid's boot."

The pupils found Goodgulf wowing the janitors and SAEGFS with his unparalleled magical abilities on the soccer pitch outside Ifrit's.

"Glad to see you could make it," the conjurer cackled while pulling a rubber chicken out of his hat. "Shall we get started? Make a big circle around me. That's right." He materialized a notepad from the depths of his tattered robes.

Then Lyonal and Spiller were dragging a bingo machine into the center and Denny handed out little slips of paper with numbers printed on them.

"Bingo!" the TWATS shouted.

Goodgulf rolled his eyes. "No not quite. Today is 'Get to know the SAEGFS day'…… Get back here!" he shouted to the pupils retreating backs. "I'll fail you on this class and you'll be stuck here forever!" Goodgulf roared over the sound of the stampeding students.

"As I was saying," he continued when everybody was present, "you will each get a summon for a week to bond with and learn about. Then at the end of that week you'll get another one and we'll keep rotating until everybody's got to know them all. Those numbers on the slips correspond to a SAEGF. Whatever number comes out of the drum that's the one you get. And no swapping." He waved the rubber chicken threateningly.

During this speech the group had started writing out their wills, renewing their insurance and praying. Sephiroth had written a long confession and was getting his brothers to sign it.

Lyonal began to turn the handle on the machine and the drum started turning. A numbered ball popped out. "Number 5!" Goodgulf checked the notepad, "That would be Leviathan."

"Bingo!" Rikku shouted. "Like oh wow. You're so shiny!" She hugged the scaly summon. "I always wanted one of you!"

"Okay next up is Yojimbo, number 7! Any takers?" Irvine came unwillingly forward.

"Great to see ya," the samurai ran up and started pumping the cowboys hand up and down. "We're going to have a blast! Just you wait…"

"Shut the Hell up," Irvine said pleasantly.

Yazoo while his was going on had his fingers crossed, eyes squeezed shut and was repeating the mantra "Please don't let it be Odin, please don't let it be Odin."

"I'm feeling religious myself," Sephiroth said and looked heavenward. "A helicopter, a smoke bomb and a gas mask that all I ask."

Another ball fell out, "Okay we have got number 11!"

"That's my number," Yazoo mumbled in between reciting. "Oh please, oh please, oh please."

Goodgulf consulted his list. "And in true clichéd fan fiction style his summon is Odin! Gwahaha."

"So much for him joining the clergy," Loz said.

Odin started pimp strutting over to the terrified Yazoo. "Well how's my favourite androgynous being?" His bell-bottoms flapped lecherously.

"Auuuuuuuggggghhhhh!" Yazoo replied before passing out.

* * *

When he came to the class was mercifully over and he was back in the dorm room. Sephiroth stood over him with a self-satisfied smirk. "I was going to throw water over you but guess I'm just too nice."

Yazoo sat up and rubbed the back of his head where a nasty lump was forming. "So who'd you guys get?"

"I got Shiva, which is probably the best deal, Loz got Ramuh and the Lawnmower Man got Choco/Mog. You really got the bum deal."

"Speaking of bum. Where is he?" Yazoo looked around the room and under the bed.

Sephiroth took out Masamune and started polishing. "Don't worry, we sent him out for bandages. You had a bad fall, you even stopped breathing."

Yazoo recoiled. "Em and how…how did you guys get me a start breathing."

"Odin said he knew CPR so…" Sephiroth said airily.

"Auuuuuggggghhhhhh!"

**

* * *

A/N: ****(1)** Inspired by the Disney film "Hercules." Inspired by the Disney film "Hercules." 

**(2)** C'mon people, it's a "Pirates of the Caribbean" quote.

**(3)** The new "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" film. Hehe do ye sense the Johnny Depp obsession yet?

**Satti:** You know a lot of people have called us demented, we wonder why… Glad you're enjoying the madness. Ah Jenova, she was a lot of fun to write especially with the twisted past of the brothers. Yeah the "big boy" line was just too good an opportunity to miss. Don't worry she'll be making future appearances; we had too much fun writing her not to. We gave them jobs for the humiliation value alone. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

**Ryu the youkai:** Yep Aeris' bow is a danger to Goths and all those sensitive to pastels. Seriously that thing could take over the world, Aeris is going to have some adjustment problems with it and Vincent has yet to see it in all its glory. Has the partial blindness cleared up yet?

**Inguz:** You enjoyed reading this, thanks. We try hard to keep it entertaining. Stay tuned as there is more madness to come, they have to make it through a week of classes yet. Depth Perception huh, (goes off to find it)… Thanks for the review :)

**Ninespiritualfires:** The costumes bit was just fodder for our own twisted imaginations, you have to wonder about who designs them, especially Kuja's. The leather and chafing, lol, that's what the Vaseline was for, plus LadyG, fangirl that she is, couldn't resist the idea ;) Jenova loves the Golden Girls, she tapes them because she passes out half way through, or goes off to destroy Hojo's work and as for the other woman… let's just say that's not the last we'll hear from Jenova about her. Mwhahahaha. Jobs, we couldn't resist the students will never be the same again. Cloud and Cerberus c'mon we're helpless when it comes to getting Cloud, anyway we gave him Red XIII to help, so he should survive. Teehee, the TWATS and a dog with rabies, Rinoa makes him do all the work so we thought we'd let him have some payback:). Cloud and Sephiroth have such big swords it's hard not to crack overcompensating jokes, lol. Your update has arrived.

**Xtrememuzroom: **Brilliant, wow thanks. It's your fav, it's one of our faves, we still have a soft spot for the others too, some more than others. The jobs are just another way to inflict pain and humiliation upon the students. Seymour is delighted that you mentioned him and Kadaj, and wonders if you'd like to join his team. Run, run very fast, we'll distract him with a few seeds. Jenova's great, c'mon what's not to love about a vengeful alien with a penchant for a drink or ten, we had so much fun with her that she'll pop up some more :). As for Sephiroth and Cloud, just look at those swords, it makes you wonder… Muchos gracias for the review.

**Advent Child:** You thought it was beautiful, wow, thanks we try. We've noticed the length increases every chapter it's quite painful on our fingers but all ye're responses keep us going. Hehe, Jenova's great she's going to be appearing more cause she was so much fun. Yeah poor Yazoo being spanked and not being able to stop it, he could hardly sit after it unless there were a lot of cushions. It hurt us more than it hurt him although… probably not, lol. The brothers seem to write themselves and we just love them so we probably make them more fun. The costumes were just as much fun for us, to much fuel for us to mock. We made you laugh so much your mom asked you about it, gee thanks :), it's happened to us, did you get the 'what are you on?' look too. Yep Sephiroth got Masamune and a whole lot of big sword, small… toes jokes ;). We do like Cloud but he was a bit oblivious in the game so it's hard not to torture him. Vincent's recipes, you'd be lucky to survive most of them… it explains the lack of intelligence of the staff. You think we're talented, (blushes) that means a lot to us thanks, happy to make you smile and laugh. Mario was most relieved to find that you took his advice regarding proper hair care, as it's very important to keep it healthy, we won't repeat the rest of the advice he went on for a while, lol. The next chapter as promised hope your butt didn't go numb waiting for it, if so Yazoo has some cushions you could borrow…

**Chicita:** 7 is your fav, we love it too, it's definitely one of the top three. The word a day calendar was fun to write, the janitors are trying to improve themselves, bless them. Yeah Vincent has an aversion to anything remotely bright, he won't know what to do when he sees Aeris' bow, giant pink bows are probably one of his greatest fears, lol. We deserve more than cookies, gasp, you think we deserve, B&J's Phish food, mmm, chocolate marshmallowy, icecream goodness. For saying that we are more than willing to share it with you… :)

**Akiraine of Gia:** You spent five hours reading it you deserve a medal, no wonder you're tired. Cid is based off the FF VII Cid; he's only there to work off some extra community service hours and is refusing to tell anyone why he has community service :). PETA is People for the Ethnic Treatment of Animals, we went with an international organisation because each country has different animal rights groups. Basically PETA has a lot of Celebrity members they ran the 'I'd rather go naked than wear fur' campaign, our friend's a member so we know a good deal about it, even when we begged her to stop because we were eating. We don't know how but the chapters keep increasing in length, slow internet is the worst, you just want the page to load before you get murdered for how expensive the phone bill is. Cheers for the review, hope you enjoy this instalment.

**SephirothBeatrix:** Half Corkonian, cool, does you're dad still have his accent? Beatrix is cool, so please put Masamune away, you must have some arm muscles to lift it, we're impressed :). More shoujo-ai shall appear but we're trying to build it up, as for Yuna, there's a reason she was given the gardening job with Aeris, hint hint. Kimahri/Rikku that's just… I don't think there's words to explain, but that is definitely an idea, he'll have to be glitterfied first otherwise he has no chance. We noticed the name change, sorry but we picked out some pairings at the start, Sephiroth's romance is going to be fun though, the poor girl has to put up with Kadaj and not to mention Jenova, 'the other woman' and Hojo. We have something else in mind for Beatrix so she'll arrive as will a few other guests. We rock, thanks! You asked for more shoujo-ai, we shall deliver. Thankies for the review.

**Tirnam'Bas:** Squall does have a dream job doesn't he? Sigh, we want it. He does nothing, gets to play video games and avoid Rinoa. Plus he's mostly in the Crypt. Nocturnal and Irish that's a good mix, yep you'd do well in the Crypt :). What part of Ireland are you from? Vincent's drink is a little bit of everything, it's a do and learn type drink, basically whatever doesn't kill you or send you to the emergency room is good, lol. It's a wonder anyone survives the experience. The next chapter as promised hope you enjoy it!

**Number 15:** Sephiroth and Cloud's swords are so big, it's hard not to believe they're overcompensating. We keep thinking about them trying to get on buses with them and it sends us into hysterics, lol. They are just a bit too big, lol. Costumes are another thing; some of them are rather questionable. Someone must be hiding a secret leather fetish on Advent Children, imagine how many cows were killed to fulfil those fantasies, it's a game so none but still… You weren't the only one to think Kuja was female, convinced he was a she too. That is a woman's torso, that midriff and those hips are not male, not to mention the belly-dancer outfit he wears :). It's hard not to feel sorry for the brothers with Jenova for a parent and she can mentally interfere, poor guys. More story as demanded, thanks for the review.

**Med-X v2.0:** You copped onto that spelling mistake, oops, we make no excuses, except for the fact it was really late and being tired is not conductive to proper spelling. We're happy that you think it's witty and hilarious, such a compliment, we don't know how we're going to live up to it but we'll try. Hope you enjoy this chapter, thanks for the review :).


	10. Freak Out Le Freak C'est Chic

Word of the day is **Disclaimer**. Repeat after us **Dis-claim-er**. This little word prevents Square-Enix sending snipers after us and LadyG marrying Sephiroth, CGI character or not. Which, as you no doubt agree, is better for the world in general.

Sephiroth: And thank heavens for that. (resumes standing around looking good.)

LadyG: Oh Sephy! (faints)

RealtF: Whatever's wrong with you is no little thing.

Cid: Damn fangirls. Set humankind back a few million &!":(? years.

Apologies for the wait. We started back at college, have jobs, volunteered for a film festival, caught the flu and oh yeah, saw Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children, the 'liberated' version so to speak. Other than that we're just so damn lazy. We're like sloths on Valium. But thank you all for your patience and here's another chapter! (lightning flashes, thunder rolls, the earth quakes and a choir of angels sing 'It has cometh'.)

**

* * *

Chapter 10: Freak Out. Le Freak. C'est Chic.**

* * *

"Get away from me you wrinkly menace! I'm warning you!" Yazoo had taken out his guns and was aiming them in the vicinity of Odin's groin. It was the next day and the pupils were in the breakfast hall preparing for their first class and comparing which shoddy SAEGFs they had got.

The summon waved a dismissive hand jingling the array of gold bracelets and fake Rolex's around his wrist. "Put it away boy. We're all friends here. For does not the bible say: make love not war?"

"If it's the bible according to Linda Lovelace," Sephiroth snorted.

Kadaj furrowed his brow, "Wasn't she the one in Sesame Street?"

"I certainly hope not but would explain why Elmo was always so happy….Yazoo stop!" Loz grabbed his brother's hand to prevent him from shooting Odin. However Yazoo managed to get a shot off which traveled across the room entered one of Cloud's ears and reemerged the other side. Cloud looked up from eating his Kupo Nuts™ and wondered where the breeze was coming from.

The pupils widened their eyes at such blatant disregard for physics as Cloud continued eating, oblivious to pretty much everything.

The silver haired trio had meanwhile wrestled a thrashing Yazoo to the ground. Yazoo was still upset over his brothers allowing the 3000-year-old pimp to perform CPR on him and had spent the rest of yesterday either scrubbing his mouth or curled in a ball rocking back and forth.

"Nobody loses it completely quite like Yazoo." Loz eyed the hole in the carpet his brother had made from the constant rocking and wondered how much would it take to repair.

"Well that's another video for the collection," Sephiroth sighed, "won't Mother and Hojo be happy when they find out that most of our time at school was spent going bananas….quick zoom in on those tears!"

"Will do," Kadaj replied and moved in for the close up.

Eventually a long heartfelt conversation with Jenova helped calm Yazoo down. Loz, Kadaj and Sephiroth weren't privy to it but knowing their mother's communicational skills the gist of the conversation was probably "Pick yourself up off the floor you sniveling wimp, wipe your face I didn't bring you up to be a bum and don't forget my booze."

Now Jenova's words of wisdom were forgotten as they struggled to pacify a furious Yazoo who was intent on giving Odin a DIY castration.

After a few minutes of scuffling Mario and Fabio, hyperventilating at the thought of their muse's hair getting knotty had pulled out their curling irons, struck a pose and joined the fray.

"Back, back you badly tailored demon!" Fabio warned the approaching summon while wielding his curlers like a sword. "I know the ancient art of Hair Fu!"

"Hmm," Mario said appreciatively while looking at Odin from his platforms to his Elvis hairdo, which Odin surprisingly managed to pull off despite having less than few dozen hairs left. "You may be badly tailored but I love the way you mix fabrics in your outfit. Chintz plus velvet equals stunning!"

The pimp cackled and straightened his vulgar medallion. "Why that's mighty kind of you to say so. Actually I've been meaning to pay you a visit. My chest wig needs a re-style. I've had the same style for the past 1000 years."

Mario clapped his hands, "Ohhh but of course! I've being dying to try out my new styling wax, specifically designed for chest hair. According to Elle Sean Connery never leaves home without it." He flicked open his organizer, "Call up at three today. Now if you excuse me I have hair to save."

Aeris prodded Cid, "Maybe you should go in there and calm things down before Mario intervenes and you have a real blood bath on your hands."

"And ruin the show?" Cid was secretly hoping that the brothers would give Mario and Fabio a makeover of their own. But when a plate of waffles went flying past his ear he decided enough was enough. "Hmm time to stamp my authority on the situation." His pellet gun suddenly materialized in his hand.

"Break it up," Cid roared and shot Yazoo squarely in the tush.

"You frikkin' idiot!" Yazoo howled and threw his brothers off. "And you, stay the hell away from me!" he pointed a finger at Odin who was calmly flicking through a copy of _Pimp My Pimp._

"Playing hard to get eh? Well I'm not going to give up that easily Mr. Thong," he flashed a mouth full of cheap gold teeth.

Yazoo wrinkled his nose, "Mr. Thong? Wait a sec how did you know that I wear a mmppff."

Loz slapped a hand over his brother's mouth. "Hehehe funny story that…"

Mercifully the sound for class went saving Loz a good deal of explaining.

"That still sounds suspiciously like a cow in labour," Auron said.

Cid pushed them towards the door, "Ye should have heard the first bell we had. Reno and Rude recorded it. Hoo boy. We sure had a lot of trouble with the school board over that one. Not to mention the defamation and invasion of privacy lawsuits. I'll leave it to ye're imaginations lame though they might be."

* * *

"What's our next class?" Sephiroth asked Loz who was still gagging Yazoo.

"Uh Weapons class I think. Why do you guys expect me to remember everything?"

"Well you do seem to be the most normal and reliable out of all of us."

Loz gave him a quizzical look, "I'm flattered, though I don't think we'd know normal if it reached up and bit us on the ass. Ain't that right Yazoo? Ow stop biting." He shifted his grip, "Anyway you should definitely have a chance to test out Masamune in the next class."

"He's got that look again," Kadaj said referring to Sephiroth who had drifted into a happy daze, temporarily deranged by transports of wanton destruction, as soon as Loz had mentioned Masamune.

Cloud, in passing hit Sephiroth in the shoulder. "You better not cut up my Mr. Bunny, like you did the TWATS plushies. Can't get to sleep otherwise…" he trailed off when he realized the entire student body was staring at him, "I mean… yeah I'm still badass."

Aeris rolled her eyes, "You're about as badass as a cold sore."

Tifa nodded, "The way Cloud's brain is wired you can almost hear the fuses blowing."

But when they reached the class, to Sephiroth's immense annoyance Lesley was only focusing on those characters with guns.

"Cheer up bro', you'll get your chance to destroy and disembowel people," Loz consoled his dejected older brother.

Sephiroth sulked in the corner, "And I was so looking forward to causing havoc. Oh well." He made a mental note to cut up Mr. Bunny later on.

Lesley meanwhile was handing out those infernal safety sheets. "Okay this class deals exclusively with your weapons and handling of them. The 'Battle 101' lecture teaches weapon skills in conjunction with magic and summoning. Just in case anybody was wondering what the difference was. Now for today we have a guest teacher to lecture those sharpshooters in the fine art of blowing peoples brains out. Everybody give a big frown for Vincent." Lesley then popped open a bottle of Prozac and emptied the contents into his mouth.

Vincent, looking like an extra from the Matrix walked into the room and immediately the lights blew out.

"Damn Vincent, this always happens," Lesley swore as he fiddled with the trip switch and turned the lights back on.

The pupils blinked as the room lit up. "Okay guys I'm leaving before my…medication kicks in so be good for Mr. Sunshine. And no jokes, laughing or warm fuzzy thoughts. Happiness to Vincent is like Kryptonite to Superman."

Vincent gave Lesley a death glare from behind his sunglasses, "Buzz off Les, don't you have a date with your rehab counselor?"

Lesley retaliated by smiling widely before disappearing out the door. "Bastard," Vincent muttered, "let's get this over with. If you've any questions before we start I'll try to give vague, cryptic, doom laden answers to them."

"Your buttons are so shiny!" Yuffie gasped in awe.

"Why are you wearing armor-plated clown shoes?" Zell asked.

"Your shoes are so shiny!" an in awe Yuffie gasped. Vincent was getting shinier by the second, her perfect man.

"Who's minding the Crypt?" Lulu queried, "and what if Reno and Rude need a drink?"

Vincent shot Zell and Yuffie a look of utter contempt before answering Lulu, "That's easy, Mouldy. He's a very effective guard and I do lock the door. And for your second question it's Reno and Rude's sleeping…uh working time. Enough questions, any characters that use guns step forward."

Yazoo and Irvine stepped out of the group. Vincent's jaw dropped. "Two? Mr. Thong and a cowboy? That's all? What are the rest of you using for weapons? Frying pans? Hard covered editions of Mrs. Beeton's Cookbook? A gun is a man's weapons. My motto is those who live by the sword die by those who don't." He stopped and took a breath. "I guess Sephiroth and his disturbingly long sword have a certain credibility."

"Are you done?" Yazoo grumbled. "I've got a bullet with a certain summon's name on it."

"Fine." Vincent took out a remote, pushed a button and a number of human shaped target boards descended from the ceiling. He then took out Death Penalty and fired off a few rounds hitting the targets squarely in the head. "See it's easy. Now you try."

Irvine raised an eyebrow, "That's it? No words of wisdom or advice?"

"What else do you need to know? Point, shoot and reload. And those little silver things are called bullets. However we'll be using rubber bullets today."

"Enough babbling." Yazoo stood on the mark, aimed and fired, missing the target by a good few metres.

Next Irvine tried. "Where'd the bullet go?" he asked after inspecting all the targets and failing to find a hole.

"Over here dumbass," Lulu called and reaching into her cleavage fished out the bullet. "How did you manage it? I was behind you."

Irvine grinned, "Maybe it's a sign. That bullet has all the fun."

"Vincent dearie do you have a machine gun?" a furious Lulu hissed, her chest heaving in anger.

Vincent was looking at Lulu but didn't hear her. His attention was elsewhere, as evident by his eyes, which were currently going up and down like escalators. "I've a fine pair of big guns if you would like to…"

"Save it for later," an exasperated Yazoo said and fired off a few rounds all of which missed. "Arrrggghhh!"

His brothers were almost feeling sorry for him at this stage except for Sephiroth who was still sulking and whispering "Soon, soon," to Masamune. "Maybe if you could imagine Odin as the target," Kadaj ventured.

Yazoo's eyes lit up and after a quick reloading brought out both Velvet Nightmares and went trigger-happy. He still missed but a few bullets found the targets in the head and groin area, which was presumably where he was aiming for all along.

After his bullets ran out an increasingly frustrated Yazoo ran up to the target and shrieking tore it off and started punching and scratching it.

Loz widened his eyes, "Yaz seems to lose it with astonishing regularity these days."

Kadaj gave the sigh of a long-suffering brother, pulled out a lawnmower magazine and started fawning over the Flymos.

Yazoo was still beating up the target and shouting 'I was always the middle child! Nobody ever loved me! I had to be the quiet enigmatic one but all I ever wanted was a pony! Was that too much to ask?"

Vincent though enjoying the spectacle walked over to the gunman and handed him a coupon, "It's a free drink voucher. Don't say I never did a good deed."

Yazoo sniffed and took it.

"Can we have one Vin?" the rest of the students asked.

"Why would I give you gunless wimps free drinks?" He nearly laughed at the absurdity. "Now if you excuse me I have to retire to my coffin and ponder why life is more tortuous than death. Gwahahahaha!" Without warning he threw a smoke bomb and vanished into the smog.

When the smoke cleared the students gasped in amazement, Vincent was no longer there. He was actually over by the door, foot against the jamb trying to open it. "Stupid &?"!) door. Class dismissed." He yanked it open and ran up the corridor.

The students watched after him open mouthed wondering if his bandana was on to tight or if he was suffering the effects of hanging around with Reno and Rude. But the pupils soon realized anything Vincent did was forgivable. After all he provided the most valuable service of all. He got them drunk.

* * *

Wednesday in Final Fantasy Finishing School was a bit different to other days. For one the characters finished up early allowing them to work at their respective jobs. Secondly instead of classes, after weapons training they had a surprise guest speaker and counseling.

"Anything with the word 'surprise' in it is never a good thing with this place," Seifer said when they were seated in the auditorium.

"Whatever," Guess Who said.

"But our speaker might be a manager from a glitter factory!" Rinoa squealed while trying to extract her hand from Angelo's foaming mouth.

"Woohoo Manager!"

"Woohoo morons," Tifa said while playing with Aeris' hair and trying to avoid the ribbon from impaling her.

Aeris called Yuna over and as soon as she was seated rested her head in her lap. "Is…this…necessary…?" Yuna asked.

"Course," Aeris said, "Remember it's part of WAMRL's rules. You don't want to end up with Tidus."

Yuna shuddered. "Point…taken," she conceded and started playing with Tifa's hair.

But yet again the intended targets failed to notice as both Cloud and Tidus were arranging funeral arrangements for Mr. Bunny who Sephiroth had brutally slaughtered.

The evil one himself was at the back with Kadaj, Loz and a pacified Yazoo as far away from the stage as possible. "Maybe they might actually surprise us and get a speaker who's playing with the full deck."

"Let's not jump to conclusions guys," Kadaj said, "so far they've _dealt _us a pack of _Jokers._" He started laughing hysterically at his own joke.

Loz rolled his eyes. "Sad fact is that that was probably the cleverest thing you ever said and it was still bad." He turned to Sephiroth. "Cheer up bro' you can always stab the speaker with Masamune. You'd probably reach from the back row." Sephiroth laughed and was about to reply when a woman walked from the wings and stood in the middle of the stage.

One imperious look was enough to silence the students. Tossing her brown hair off her shoulders she spoke, "My name is General Beatrix, I'm today's guest lecturer and I'll be teaching you sex education…" She continued speaking over the girlish giggles and cries of "Finally after nine chapters of crap something worth learning!"

"I know that this has little or nothing to do with Final Fantasy but we are a school so it's compulsory. And the fact that the school's teaching it says a lot about the writer's state of mind." Beatrix took a breath and flicked open her brief case. "Now where's that tape? Ahh here it is."

"Why do we have to do this?" Paine asked, "It's not as if we're totally clueless. Well most of us."

"Shh Kimahri like this class." He had taken out a pen and paper ready to take some serious notes. "Kimahri definitely going to pass this class."

Beatrix finally got everything set up, turned off the lights and went to the back of the classroom to sit down. "No need to take notes, it's all pretty self-explanatory. Just watch." She turned on the projector and the screen lit up, the title _Once upon a Mattress _crawling across the screen.

After 45 minutes of cheesy music, a ludicrous array of moustaches and improbable sound effects the credits rolled and the pupils retrieved their jaws from the floor. "Wardrobe department?" Steiner guffawed incredulously, "that's one thing they didn't need."

"I didn't like the main characters moustache," Kuja commented after a while.

Beatrix laughed and strode to the top of the room. "Hope you enjoyed that. Any questions?"

Zidane raised a hand, "Where was that shot? I think I recognise the room."

The general shrugged, "Ohh I don't know."

"The main girl looked a bit like you except with a blond wig and vampire fangs."

"I know and didn't one of her eyes look suspiciously like it was painted on, like over an eye patch. It never blinked and was pretty much rubbed off by the end."

Beatrix stamped her foot, "No it wasn't. Okay enough accusations. Another girl will be here next week to teach something slightly different. Don't forget to collect your information bags as you leave." She turned and started arranging her papers as the group filed out slowly still unsure what they actually saw.

"That film was more confusing than informative. Least Odin wasn't in it. What's wrong Kadaj?" His younger brother had tears in his eyes and was biting his lower lip. "You guys lied to me! You said a stork named Gus dropped me in the trashcan and you found me. And I believed you!"

Loz put an arm around his shoulders, "And what we saw today wasn't even the half of it. What were we supposed to say? 'Hey Kadaj you're the offspring of an alien, a human guinea pig and a mad scientist.' Not exactly something every child wants to hear."

Kadaj nodded and wiped his eyes. Sephiroth suddenly dragged them roughly to their feet and made for the door. "Quick it's that women again. Move!" They were too late however as Beatrix had sprinted the last few feet. "Hey what's the rush? I'm not that frightening," she laughed fixing Sephiroth with her eye.

Sephiroth bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying anything incriminating. Beatrix had sat beside him during the film and had spent most of it staring at his profile and rearranging her clothes, presumably for his benefit. By the end of the film her skirt was a good five inches shorter and a few of her blouse buttons had disappeared. Even worse for the last five minutes of movie he had distinctly felt a hand groping his thigh. For once Sephiroth had dearly wished it was one of his brothers.

But now as Beatrix was smiling before him he tried not to blush under her roving gaze and wondered if Hojo had injected something extra into him just to make his life as fraught as possible. He also cursed the writers for being such fangirls.

"Aren't we a deep thinker," Beatrix cooed while laying a hand on his chest.

Sephiroth backed away from the unwanted attention, nearly tripping over Masamune. He looked around to find his brothers had legged it. Beatrix had grabbed his arm to steady him and stood on tiptoe to brush wisps of hair from his face. Sephiroth, not used to dealing with forward females found himself tongue-tied. A knife in the gut usually worked better than words in his mind. Despite his obvious discomfort the woman was not dissuaded.

"That's a really big sword you have," she said coyly, "can I hold it?"

Beatrix loaded the word 'sword' with enough innuendo that Sephiroth didn't have a hard time figuring out what she really meant. Before she could say anything more suggestive Sephiroth threw her off and sprinted like a bullet out the door her laughter following him. He collided with Kadaj and the camcorder in the process.

"Watch it. You'll break the lens," Kadaj moaned. Sephiroth disentangled himself and wildly grabbed Yazoo by the collar. "You've been freaking out all day, now it's my turn." He ran into their dorm room like a silver blur and by the time they had entered Sephiroth had made a hole in the carpet from his constant rocking.

"Camera still working Kadaj?" Yazoo asked with a smirk. Kadaj nodded. Loz threw his hands up in resignation. "He's going to be a while, might as well look at carpet samples while we're waiting."

* * *

Thirty carpet samples later Sephiroth had recovered. "What were you so upset about?" Kadaj queried, "You'd swear you had never talked to a woman before in your life."

"Actually she did most of the talking, among other things." Sephiroth's ears burned thinking of his encounter with Beatrix.

"Well get used to it," Yazoo said shortly. "I don't mind women. It's the one eyed chest wigged sort I have a problem with."

"Understatement of the year Yaz," Loz said. "Besides how do you expect Seph to deal with girls if the biggest female influence in our lives is an alien bent on world destruction?"

"_You always were a flatterer Loz." _Jenova's voice drawled in their heads. _"I'm preparing a plan for world domination right now." _She took a drag of her cigarette. _"Now where's my chainsaw?"_

"_I'm sure you'll have them kneeling before your carpet slippers," _Sephiroth said sourly.

Jenova gave a short laugh, _"Glad to see you're back to your usual miserable self. I've some news for you. You'll never guess."_

"_I don't want to guess."_

"_Tut tut. Your dear mother put an ad in the local lonely hearts column," _she cackled gleefully.

"_What!" _Loz, Sephiroth, Kadaj and Yazoo said together.

"_What did you say?" _Yazoo stuttered, _"Single blue female alien looking for host? Must be willing to travel?"_

"_No," _Jenova said and gave Yazoo a mental slap across the head, _"I'm not telling you now. You've hurt my feelings. I didn't raise you to be disrespectful of your mother."_

Loz shook his head. _"Technically you didn't raise us at all. Why don't you destroy some of Lucrecia's life long research? That'll cheer you up Ma."_

"_Maybe," _Jenova sniffed but the brothers knew she already had the chainsaw started up. With a stern warning to cause as much havoc as possible and change their underwear everyday she disappeared from their minds.

"She gone?" Kadaj asked.

"Yes. You're back to your usual complement of voices in your head." Sephiroth looked at the clock. "It's time for counseling," Loz said anticipating the question. Sephiroth shuddered and wished he was somewhere else. Hanging off a cliff by his fingernails perhaps?

The ever responsible Loz pushed them towards the door before they could think of absconding. Counselling however was surprisingly short and painless. All of Rude's and Reno's books and papers had disappeared.

"Ehm… Today you will be endowed with good fortune but be prudent when it comes to financial matters. Being frugal will save you more than a pretty penny. Wear red for luck. For more information phone… hehe."

Kuja glared at Reno, "That was the horoscopes in today's paper. I read them this morning at breakfast."

"Yeah… well… since we can't diagnose ye correctly without our books and stuff we're just gonna have a free class," Reno explained while hopping on the Dance Off Arcade game to try to beat Rude's dance off record. "Take a fortune cookie on the way out. That's a sort of counseling. Damn, missed my step."

Rude handed out the cookies at the door. "Do your books going missing have anything to do with the fire you made at the end of the garden?" Freya asked suspiciously, remembering glancing out the window to see the pair surreptitiously dumping boxes marked 'Counseling books' into the flames.

"Eh no," Rude answered impassively, "You're delusional. We'll deal with that next week. For now just stay away from the light and eat enough roughage." He shoved them out and slammed the door.

* * *

After the fiascos that were meant to be the students' counseling sessions and a hearty lunch the students went to their jobs. Seeing as they had to 'bond', or at least not murder, in Yazoo's case, their SAEGFs the students were obliged (cough-forced-cough) to bring them along. There was one group of people particularly happy with this arrangement.

"So what exactly are we meant to do again?"

Denny smiled at Tidus, "That's the beauty of it my friend nothing, nada, zip, zilch…"

"I think they get the point Denny." Garnet glanced up from the magazine she, Freya and Shiva were flicking through.

Zell screwed up his face in concentration, "If there are no SAEGFs for us to mind then… then…"

"C'mon Zell nearly there."

"Quiet Freya or he'll lose the thought all together." Following Red's command they all fell silent waiting to see if Zell could actually finish the thought process. Even the SAEGFs looked on interestedly.

"… then… then… we have… nothing to do."

The group let out their breath not realizing they had held it in the first place.

"They've made so much progress. It's like watching Denny learn how to speak all over again."

"That shouldn't be hard to remember Lyonal. It was only a year ago."

"Hey!" Denny looked at Lyonal and Spiller indignantly. "It's not my fault. You two were just so stupid it took me that long to figure out how to speak stupidese."

Sephiroth chuckled. "It's a day of firsts. Zell finally managed to think and Denny almost made a snappy retort except for the lame ending."

"Wow, someone's in a good mood. You seem to have recovered nicely from your encounter of the Beatrix kind." At Sephiroth's questioning glare Spiller continued. "Kadaj showed us the tape. You made a nice hole in the carpet too. Seeing as there's not much for you lot to do, just go around to the others and make sure they haven't mangled the SAEGFs yet."

Shiva looked up quickly and the air grew chilly. "No one would dare hurt my Iffy. I'd bury them if they did."

"Nah If's great. Everyone likes him. Shiva thaw out already." Spiller shuddered from the glare she shot him. "Anyway I believe some of ye are sharing SAEGFs so ye can fob them off onto the other person. Well what are you all standing around here for? Scat."

Red called to them before they all disappeared. "Don't forget Ifrit has a soccer match organized in about two hours for anyone who's interested."

The students and SAEGFs all nodded and made their way towards the school to total up the body count. If Yazoo had his way it would already be at one.

* * *

Garnet and Freya made their way towards the gym with Madeen and Fenrir following them. Freya was bringing Madeen to Paine who she had joint custody with. So far both girls had no complaints. Madeen was cute and cuddly like a kitten with them but got really vicious around anything that it found threatening or annoying. Kimahri had been on the receiving ends of a few scratches and bits after he tried to steal some of Paine's breakfast.

Valefor watched them enter before swooping down and landing on Kimahri, which flattened him on the ground.

"Kimahri beginning to think all SAEGFs like to hurt Kimahri." Kimahri wiggled out from beneath Valefor before glancing at the girls hopefully. "Kiss Kimahri better?"

Garnet snorted, "Dream on furball."

"Hey Paine I'm here to hand over Madeen and make sure Kimahri hasn't killed Valefor. Or maybe that should be the other way around." Freya said laughing at the ronso who was currently brushing bird seed out of his fur.

Paine smirked, "Personally I think big bird is gonna win this battle. Madeen look what I have."

Madeen's stomach growled appreciatively at the steak that Paine had. Seeing that everything was fine here Freya and Garnet left to go to the kitchens, before they left the last thing they heard was Madeen growling and Kimahri complaining.

"Hey that is Kimahri's dinner. Kimahri not gonna let you eat it. You bite, Kimahri bite back…"

* * *

Garnet and Freya continued their journey to the kitchens to hand Fenrir over to Steiner. When they arrived in the Kitchen they found the place in uproar, the cooking schedule was an hour behind due to Ark trying to follow Amarant into the Cafeteria. He had managed to damage the gas and electricity supply in the Kitchen and had sent Dorothy off on a rant of epic proportions. She had berated the SAEGF severely and it was now behaving after she starting waving her rolling pin around menacingly. Wakka however was having a fantastic time as it was Ixion who was saving mealtimes at the school.

Garnet popped her head around the door to try to find Steiner in all the madness. "Steiner are you in here. What on earth happened?"

She heard him coming out of the darkness the familiar clank letting everyone know where he was. "Hallo Garnet, Freya. Ahh Fenrir we could use your help. We can't seem to find some of the food because when Ark tried to come in he managed to damage the electricity and gas lines as well as bump into the fridges and cupboards, and well, the food was all moved but Fenrir should be able to sniff it out."

Fenrir cast a pleading look in Garnet's direction. "It's ok Fenrir, I promise I'll grab you and make a break for it if there's any sign of Dorothy attacking you."

They all glanced in Dorothy's direction and noticed that she had calmed down and was fawning all over Ark again. At this time Amarant had joined them and seeing their quizzical looks decided to enlighten them to Dorothy's change of heart.

"He took me, Squall, Reno and Rude out fishing and we managed to catch some really nice mackerel so Dorothy now has a main course she can find for dinner."

Dorothy noticed that Fenrir was standing at the door of the kitchen. "Fenrir, Fenrir. Come over here I need the use of your nose. We need to find certain ingredients before we can have Ixion charge up the cookers to make stir fried vegetables and some rice. Then we need you to find the picnic baskets we made for the soccer match tonight. Ifrit stopped by this morning to check that we had them. Right well try that fridge first and the try that cupboard. Oh this clean up will take all night. Now come along that's a good boy, we should be able to find a treat or two for your hard work."

Fenrir trotted along happily after Dorothy once he realized that she wasn't about to batter him with her rolling pin. Freya and Garnet decided to go help set up for the match tonight and left Steiner and Amarant to join Ixion and Wakka who was talking with Squall, Reno and Rude over by the cookers. The two girls left the kitchen and headed back to the pitch.

* * *

Freya and Garnet weren't the only ones who left the kitchen before Ixion started the cookers by striking them with lightning. Reno, Rude and Squall had decided a drink was in order after their hard hour's fishing. Actually it was Reno and Rude who decided it was time for a drink, Squall just had no complaints about the idea. They plonked themselves at the bar and began to admire the scenery, the scenery referring to the barmaids who were currently drying glasses and putting them back on the shelves of course it was no coincidence that all the bottom shelves were full and Lulu and Tifa had to stretch to reach the shelves overhead. The sight had even roused Auron's attention from his slumped position at the door. Vincent was suspiciously checking to see that his hidden cameras were filming the girls directly. Mouldy was looking sternly at all the guys in the bar, while Anima was making a mental note of all who were staring at Lulu. Cerberus had taken to growling at anyone who even tried to look at Tifa.

"Hey what are we all staring at?" Ifrit called out as he immerged from the bathrooms.

Tifa and Lulu stopped mid stretch and realizing what they must look like immediately stopped cleaning the glasses and started hurling them at all the males in the vicinity except for Mouldy, Cerberus and Ifrit, who wouldn't stare on account of being so nice, that and Shiva would kill him.

Upon seeing that he was close to being dismembered by the guys Ifrit decided to make a hasty retreat. "Em, I have to go and spend some time with Aeris now I'll see you later Auron." Noticing that the guys were still giving him dirty looks, he turned on his puppy dog eyes and set his bottom lip to quiver. "You all will be coming to see me play in tonight's match won't ye? And Vincent you will still bring along the drinks, I set it at night especially for you and Dorothy is after making picnic baskets. Please." The sight of a Fire Summon blackmailing a room of guys made Tifa answer for everyone. "Of course they will, won't ye!"

Seeing the murderous glances that the girls were shooting them the guys quickly agreed plus they liked Ifrit enough to forgive him for interrupting the show. Once everyone agreed Ifrit bounded out the door towards the garden. Siren had taken to ignoring Squall as he had not in all the time that she was with him ogled her that she knew of anyway. Neither had Reno nor Rude. Squall realized what was wrong with Siren and began to surreptitiously glance at her out of the corner of his eye, before transforming it to an all out stare. It wasn't too hard for him Siren was actually very pretty, and she had the power to silence people he knew of one peppy, clinging female he wanted silenced for a while. Seeing her ego was once again being assuaged Siren began to bat her eyelashes playfully at Squall and posing artfully around the bar.

Vincent had taken out the cameras remote so they would follow her movements around the bar but her flirting and posing was having no effect on Reno and Rude, they had turned their full attention to their drinks. Siren conferred with Anima, whom the pair hadn't even realized was there, due to being in Cerberus' shadow. The three-headed dog was currently chewing on a giant slipper, that no one knew how it got there. With a plan to follow out Siren cast silence over Reno and Rude and sat extremely close to Squall. So close that she was almost on his lap.

Reno and Rude had finished their drinks and deciding on their second, when they tried to order they found that they couldn't speak. The pair were frantic, Tifa and Lulu were studiously avoiding them by pretending that they couldn't even see them. Vincent and Auron were trying not to laugh as the pairs' faces collapsed and Reno began to sob. While this was happening Anima had Mouldy turn off the lights, she then positioned herself right in front of Reno and Rude. When the lights flicked back on all Reno and Rude could see was Anima glaring at them, they opened their mouths to scream and get help but no sound came out, they then ran madly around the bar. Unfortunately for the pair Cerberus thought that they were playing a game and had decided to try to squash them with his front paws or snap at them with his three sets of razor sharp teeth. In the end the pair ran into a wall and passed out.

Zell carefully lead the Brothers around the gnomes leading to the Crypt the sight that greeted him was a rather unusual one. Reno and Rude were passed out on the floor with Cerberus prodding them with a giant paw, seeing no response the dog seemed to pout and sat down and started chewing on a giant slipper. Tifa and Lulu had two cameras in their hands and were taking photos of the counselors. Anima was eating a bag of crisps looking very happy. Siren was whispering something in Squall's ear that made him blush and Vincent and Auron were laughing and getting a drink. Zell realized that the SAEGFs seemed fine so he lead the Brothers back out towards the training hall, the TWATS were holding a rehearsal for tonight's cheerleading at the soccer match.

* * *

When he eventually found the training field the TWATS were bickering over one of their cheers and had roped in Kadaj and Seifer in to try and sort it out.

"I should like totally be on top; I mean I'm the youngest, smallest and cutest."

"Eiko, you are not the cutest, I mean we are all cute especially in these costumes they are so glittery."

"Woohoo. Glittery, shiny and stretchy."

"They are really comfortable too. Oh my gawd, we have to set up the lights so that we catch the shine as best as possible."

"I know we should put my ickle baby Angelo on top that way people can see how sweet and adorable he is. Look at him he's so cute in his bow tie and tuxedo jacket and shirt. Who's a good boy? Now now Angelo be good no more growling say Rruuff."

Once the rest of the TWATS joined in teaching Angelo how to bark Kadaj and Seifer thought it was a good a time as any to leave. Choco/Mog wanted to go to the Chocobo enclosure and see how the Chocobos were. That and Baralai, Nooj, Gippal, Seifer and Kadaj had organized an illegal underground Chocobo racing gambling ring and were meeting up with Cid to organize racing nights. Choco/Mog was acting as the Chocobo representative.

"Hey Kadaj, where are the TWATS' SAEGFs?"

"Over there Zell, Choco/Mog and I are off."

"Yeah good luck they aren't exactly thrilled over having to watch them at cheerleading practice either. It got kind of ugly at one stage. Doomtrain tried to run over Selphie, she thought that as her SAEGF he needed to be glitterfied. Idiot." Seifer left with a wave. Carbuncle paused to squeak a greeting to the Brothers before following and taking the cheese that Seifer handed him.

Zell went over to where Kadaj had pointed to find the SAEGFs in a circle with very serious expressions on their faces.

"I really don't like Rinoa she's so happy, I'm hoping Angelo bites her hard enough to make her cry."

Leviathan turned to Diablo, "I like Rikku she thinks I'm pretty, and she doesn't make me swim. Knights any threes?"

"Go fish. Yuffie's really nice to us, especially because our armor is shiny. Phoenix any queens?"

Phoenix set one of the Knight's helmet plumes on fire.

"Hey! You know the rules if you don't have it say go fish. You flame us once more we'll tell Eiko that you do want that make over and we'll help her do it."

Doomtrain sounded its whistle in amusement. Zell saw no visible signs of damage to the SAEGFs and left to give his report to the three janitors.

* * *

On the way to the beauty teams rooms Shiva was filling Sephiroth in on how she wanted Mario to fix her hair for tonight. "… it's a really important night for him so I'm going to look my best and I think that style will go with the new faux fur coat he bought me."

Sephiroth absently nodded his agreement, he found that he really didn't mind hanging around with Shiva, especially seeing as he only had to spend half the day with her. As they were approaching Mario's Salon, Sephiroth began to tiptoe in the hopes of avoiding Mario. Unluckily for him the hairdresser seemed to have an uncanny ability to sense him as Mario's head straightened and he began to look around trying to spot him. Shiva noticed him cringe and winked at him before marching straight through the salon doors.

"Shiva Darling, mwah mwah. I just knew I could sense something beautiful coming."

"Oh you, you know I'm taken but flattery will get you everywhere. Now I need to do something fabulous with my hair tonight and you are just the man to do it. Ultimecia I love that colour on you, it works so well with the tones of your hair…"

While Shiva kept Mario distracted Sephiroth ran into Miss Alex's studio to tell Zidane where Shiva was and to hopefully thank Irvine for killing Yojimbo. In the Studio he found Kuja trying on shoes with Edie and Rinni. He grabbed Zidane as he rushed past to hand Edie some strappy stiletto sandals.

"Shiva's over with Mario in the Salon. She wants to know if Miss Alex got those Ugg boots for her because if they aren't there she has to rethink her outfit."

"Yeah they're out back I'll go fetch them. Let me guess you're here to find out if Yojimbo's dead or not? Try over there." Zidane said then handed the sandals to Edie before rushing off to find Shiva's Ugg boots.

Sephiroth opened the chest to find Yojimbo tied up and gagged with various multicoloured scarves. Irvine spotted him and came over. "Believe me I wanted to, I really wanted to but Miss Alex beat me to it."

Miss Alex's voice boomed from behind the pair. "What oh that fool? That idiot tried to desecrate my catwalk, I had to teach him a lesson nobody and I mean nobody tries to ruin the vibes of my place with that trash he called an act."

"I just wished you'd hurt him more is all." Sephiroth sighed.

"What! And ruin a perfectly good manicure on him, uh uh sweetie. These nails are too beau-ti-ful to mess up on that thing."

Sephiroth left once he realized that no more harm was coming to Yojimbo and went to check in Loz, Yazoo, Vivi and Quistis in the library. Plus he was wondering if Yazoo had finally managed to pop Odin one or not. He certainly brought enough bullets to make Odin into a cheese grater.

* * *

"So if you want I can come over later and show you." Odin waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Quistis sighed and turned her head towards the back of the library. "YAZOO. COME AND GET THIS LEACHEROUS, NOT TO MENTION DILLUSIONAL SAEGF AWAY FROM ME!"

"Hehe so you want him to join us? My, you are feisty. I like that."

"Listen up old man you are not now, nor ever were 'Da Man' and trust me there's no way I'm spending anymore time than is necessary around you so go annoy Yazoo before I have Quezacotl shove a lightning bolt where the sun don't shine." Quistis growled and went off to continue trying to fix the library up. Odin was about to follow but stopped when Quezacotl started chittering and he was getting electric shocks from the glare the bird was shooting him. Odin shrugged at how well the other summon was getting on with his partner. Seeing that Yazoo was reluctantly making his way from the back of the library, he straightened his clothes, ran a hand through his hair and popped a mint into his mouth.

Just as Odin was about to make a suggestive and unwelcome comment, Yazoo cut across him. "Don't. Just don't. I will shoot you."

"Is that all the thanks I get for saving your life, although I have to admit I enjoyed every minute of it."

Yazoo pulled out his gun and was about to shoot when Sephiroth called him. "Put it away Yazoo you'll only hurt yourself."

"Hurt myself. I've it aimed at him."

"True but you've left the safety on. It'll backfire rather nastily into you."

"Stupid safety."

Sephiroth glanced around. "So where's Loz and Vivi. They're sharing Ramuh right?"

"They're trying to find whatever books we have on mechanics. Vivi is Loz's assistant and Ramuh was a mechanic in his spare time a few years ago." Quistis answered as Yazoo was preoccupied with seeing how fast he could remove the safety, aim and shoot. Odin was polishing one of his medallions.

Odin felt that the time had come to pinch Quistis' ass while she was distracted, just as he was about to, a bolt of lightning struck him and frizzed his hair into a massive afro, which had shocks running through it every so often. Loz, Vivi and Ramuh arrived in time to see the static of Odin's new giant afro attract everything not tied down. The old summon beat a hasty retreat as he was pummeled by flying objects determined to stick to him, Quezacotl landed next to Quistis and screeched at Odin's retreating back. Quistis stroked the bird's feathers softly.

"Well I can see you two are getting along fine." Sephiroth looked at Quistis and Quezacotl.

Yazoo was currently turning cartwheels about the group and loudly announcing that Quezacotl was now his hero.

"My, My. What an interesting group we have here. Hello all, hey gorgeous." Beatrix sidled up to Sephiroth and ran her eye appreciately over him.

Sephiroth cringed and took a step away from Beatrix. She followed, in the end he stood next to Quistis and threw his arm about her shoulders. Yazoo seeing this threw his arm over Quistis' shoulder too as Beatrix turned her attention on him, it tightened when she gave him a once over.

"Well, look at that, not one but two aren't you the lucky girl."

Quistis huffed and threw both brothers' arms off her shoulders. "Not particularly."

"We'll have to agree to disagree. What I wouldn't give to be the filling in that sandwich."

"Nothing Beatrix, you can be it because I certainly don't want to."

Quistis was trying to push Sephiroth and Yazoo away from her.

"Ohh, aren't you feisty. I quite like a bit of spirit. And I certainly don't mind sharing. So if you want to know more you know where to find me." Beatrix winked at the three before walking out of the library.

All three students were frozen by Beatrix's statement. Yazoo turned to Sephiroth. "You know you have the strangest affect on women. If she couldn't just have you she would take all of us."

"It's not my fault, women don't act so forward to me in general."

At this point Quistis decided it was time to leave. "C'mon Quezacotl let's get ready for the match." Quistis and Quezacotl were followed by Ramuh and Vivi. Loz joined his brothers.

Sephiroth stared at Quistis' retreating back before facing his brothers. "See… That's how women generally act around me. I don't know how to handle that other one."

Loz clapped a hand on each of his brothers' backs. "Let's get out of here and grab some dinner, I'm starved. We need to find out if Kadaj was successful in setting up his gambling races. Plus I can't wait to see everyone's reaction to Odin's new hairdo. Imagine Mario and Fabio's faces."

* * *

The three brothers exited the library and made their way towards the cafeteria. They waved to Aeris and Yuna sunbathing with Ifrit and Bahamut. Sephiroth couldn't tell if it was because the sun was so bright that he was seeing things or not but he could have sworn he saw a bulls eye appear on Aeris stomach for a second. Tidus was speaking with the Magus sisters and Cloud was holding a box and spade, he held the box very close when Sephiroth passed, Alexander followed Cloud as he walked towards the garden where Aeris and Yuna were. Tidus saluted them and he and the Magus sisters followed Cloud.

"Just dig up those roses that Aeris took ages to plant, I'm sure she won't mind," Cloud said and handed Tidus a spade.

"Will do." Tidus and Cloud were in the schools garden looking for a suitable and respectful place to bury Mr. Bunny. Well what was left of him any way.

"Get out of my light Cloud," Tidus huffed as the sun was suddenly obscured. When Cloud didn't answer Tidus looked up to find him craning upwards open mouthed. It was only then that Tidus noticed the enormous metal figure of Alexander looming over them. "It's Godzilla!" Cloud cried.

"It's only Alexander Cloud." Andy, Mandy and Sandy giggled at the pair.

Tidus looked at Cloud strangely. "Why did you just talk in a Japanese accent?"

Cloud shrugged and walked up to Alexander. It was then he saw Aeris and Yuna sunbathing with their SAEGF's at the end of the garden. "Hey ladies, catching some rays?"

Aeris looked at him. "No, we're just sitting in the sun with bikinis on and applying sun cream for the hell of it."

"Oh, okay then." Cloud sat on one of the sun loungers waved Tidus over.

"Though we're not getting much sun with Alexander's giant metal ass in the way!" Aeris shouted and threw a shoe at what she thought was Alexander's head. It ricocheted off and smacked Bahamut.

"Watch it! You'll have to pay for that." He rolled over which made his Hawaiian shorts fall down exposing the tan line on his enormous behind. The dragon threw a bottle of sun cream over at Aeris. "Get to work."

Aeris clenched her fists, "I'll get to work alright. Wha? What Yuna?"

Yuna sat behind Aeris, took her bikini straps off her shoulders and squeezed cream into her hands. "I… don't… think…you've… enough… sun cream… on," Yuna said while nodding and giving Cloud and Tidus pointed glances.

"Oh right," Aeris said catching on. "Be sure to rub it in really well. I hate feeling all sticky. Hey you guys put some on Yuna's back." Aeris and Yuna winked and pouted at the boys just to emphasis the point. Amazingly they seemed to catch on.

Cloud walked over plonked himself behind Yuna. The looked at the bottle and shook his head. "Only factor 50? But you're so pale. I always smother myself in factor 60. And look, hardly a freckle." He pulled his shirt over his head. The girls glanced at each other in dismay. This was not going to plan.

Tidus had meanwhile seated himself behind Cloud and was busy applying sun lotion on his back. "Yeah girls you should take more care of yourselves. UVA and UVB rays can still come through the clouds even on the cloudiest days. So take care to protect yourselves. Now you do my back Cloud."

"Haha you used my name three times in the sentence," Cloud said in awe.

Aeris and Yuna stood up angrily which caused the chair to go backwards dumping the boys on top of each other on the ground. "I'm surprised you can even count to three," Aeris said angrily.

"You… just… don't… get… it… do… you?" Yuna and Aeris walked off to check on the flowers while Cloud and Tidus looked at each other wondering what did they do.

"You don't think it's to do with the flowers?" Tidus asked in genuine bewilderment.

"Sure they don't know about that yet…"

"CLOUD!" The cry carried across the garden, through the school and made windows shatter.

"Ooops."

**

* * *

A/N: Hope you all enjoyed the chapter. :D Oh and don't forget…**

**Please Read and Review.**

**SephirothBeatrix**: Cheers for the review. A glitterfied Kimahri would certainly be interesting and he'd make a very nice rug if the loan sharks ever catch up with him. As far as Angelo and Rinoa go all the love is on Rinoa's side, as Angelo seems intent on relieving her of some of her limbs. : P Ignore the eejit who flamed your fic, they obviously have too much time on their hands. And guaranteed they never wrote a fic in their life. So don't worry, be happy and keep writing it. We enjoyed reading it. :-) You're correct in guessing that our dear Sephy's love interest would be Quistis. It'll be coming up in the next few chapters. We picked Quistis cos she's one of our favourite female characters, she's underrated and FF8 didn't really do her justice! So we paired her up with our favourite male character, it's a match made in heaven. Hahahaha. Like all truly great love stories it doesn't run smoothly! So expect interfering mothers, randy summons and a rival in the shape of Beatrix. Yes that's right, we've added Miss One Eye herself as you might have read in this chapter. Lol Needless to say it complicates things a bit, as you'll find out later!

**Random Reno Fangirl 05**: Holy crap it is funny isn't it? ;-) But though maybe we should slap a government health warning on it due to readers falling out of chairs and hyperventilating while reading. Was the computer chair alright? We'd be very upset if the chair was damaged. ;o) We could just imagine your parents whispering to each other, "Get the Tranquillizer gun, she's finally snapped." Lol. Glad you picked up on the irony in the fic! We try to write certain things knowing what will actually happen in the game which in turn makes it funnier e.g. Cloud's spiky hair due to having 10,000 volts going through his body, Lulu being so cranky because her corsets on to tight and Sephiroth having inexplicable urges to kill Aeris. Squall's easy to write for, but later on we might get to hear more pearls of wisdom from him. Lol. Rufus and Zack are going to have cameos in later chapters so you can look forward to that. :-) Thankies for the review!

**Xtrememuzroom**: Holy Mother of Pearl? Lol Thanks for the Spongebob Squarepants compliment. :-) Sephiroths very funny dream was done by RealtF so all kudos go to her. As well as the image of Kadaj and his most holy guru getting in touch with their natural side. Seymour and Kadaj are similar to Mario and his dedication to hair when it comes to landscape architecting. Lol. Gotta have a hobby even if it involves rolling around in grass. Our good friend Goodgulf comes courtesy of the very funny book 'Bored of the Rings'. Every library should have a copy. LadyG shortened her life due to laughing so much while reading it. B-) You'd never think that Yazoo is one of our fav characters the way we treat him! Odin and himself would make a lovely couple. The kids would be born with long silver chest wigs and leather flares. Lol. Muchos gracias for the review!

**Tirnam'Bas**: Thanks very much for the review! We're glad that we're able to keep all the chapters great. Our favs are chappies 4 and 8, mainly because they were absolute hell to put up. :-) The computer tried to eat them, which caused much grinding of teeth as you can imagine. We're from the other end of the country, Cork actually. We try to update every month give or take a few days but the last chapter was hard and long to write. It was worth the wait though!

**Number 15**: We feel sorry for Yazoo as well even though we're the ones that put him in those situations to begin with! He's a sensitive guy with a sensitive ass apparently. We should make Odin and him a couple…maybe not. ;o) But he's one of our favourites. Yazoo is the one with the longest hair, the most enigmatic and also the skinniest out of all of them which explains how he can fit into that super tight trench coat. Course he doesn't wear much under it which helps. :-) Kadaj is the one with the really nice hair cut just above his shoulders. Really, really nice hair. You know its fantasy when someone can have hair that nice. Ooops sounding a bit like Mario there. He carries a badass double bladed sword. Now that's more information than you ever wanted! Lol. Nobody will ever look at Aeris the same way again thanks to us. She really is extraordinarily pink. Surprisingly enough another reader managed to fall off their chair while reading the fic. It's some sort of epidemic. Maybe we should have a health warning at the start. "Warning: Reading this fanfic will result in injury to you, the floor and the chair. It might also result in worried parents sending you on a one way trip to the loony bin or at the very least having to buy a new chair." Lol. Arigato for the review!

**Satti**: Cheers for the review! Happy to make you laugh, laughing is always good for what ails you. All credit must go to RealtF for the dream sequence. It was damn funny. Hercules is not only a good film; it's a great film! Gotta love Phil. :-) Jenova seems to be a popular addition; we'll definitely be adding her in more. An evil alien entity is always good for screwing up minds and keeping the brothers on their toes. They'll never have a thought to call their own soon. Lol. Bahamut is strangely likable. I mean who couldn't like a fat, drunken, unhygienic curry eating dragon? Well maybe the janitors. : P As for Odin we'll let Yazoo speak for us. 'So Yazoo what do you think of Odin?" Yazoo: (puts gun to head) 'Auuuuggghhhh!' Well there you have it folks! ;o)

**Ninespiritualfires**: Frankly we're surprised the students haven't died yet considering what the schools putting them through. They're very resilient but guess alcohol and drunkenness goes a long way towards making things more bearable! Glad to see you got the Hercules reference. We're unashamed Disney fans. And you got that Goodgulf was from Bored of the Rings! You certainly seem to know where we rip stuff off of. ;o() Bahamut and Odin are a helluva lot of fun to write so we're happy you found them so funny. They give the term 'SAEGF' a bad name. We certainly seem to be laying pain and anguish on Yazoo with a trowel. But it'll toughen him up, you'll see or else he'll go completely barmy! We wouldn't wish Odin on anyone. Lol. Thanks very much for the review!

**Shahid: **Cheers for the review:-) Glad to see you enjoyed the chapter so much, it was a good one. One can never obsess over the lovely Johnny Depp too much. We'll try and add more references to him in the coming chapters just for you. : P He's certainly one of your fav actors without a doubt. Him being swooningly good looking is just a plus! Lol. Yep we're still writing the fic as a team, it makes for loads of good ideas and we're both on the same wavelength, which is good. We tend to divide the writing of the fic between us. One of us writes one bit the other another bit and we join the bits up. RealtF writes most of Mario and Fabios scenes among other things and I would write Jenova's bits!

**Advent Child**: Glad you liked the cushions! And the chapter of course. Ahhhh you thought it was brilliant. (blushes) The ending was a bit mean on Yazoo we'll admit, but we couldn't resist it! Odin and Yaz have a love hate relationship, meaning Odin loves Yazoo and he hates Odins guts! Makes for some great comedy, pity Yaz has to be victim. (evil laugh) Our chapters are certainly getting longer; at this rate we'll have a huge bloated 'epic' to rival Tolkiens on our hands. But we enjoy writing it and seeing what horrible situations we can put the characters in next. :-) Sharing the typing definitely saves our fingers so they won't fall off for another while. But using Mario's 'No more aching fingers' own brand hand cream might speed up the process. : P Jenova is a great character and keeps the brothers on their toes. You'll be seeing more of her wreaking havoc in coming chapters. Lol. The brothers are our favs which is why we focus on them so much. They're great characters to write for and we never have a problem trying to think up lines for them. It'll be funny if they're actually like that in Advent Children, though we somehow doubt it! Their scenes practically write themselves and we always try to keep them in character. And you think we're clever! (blushes) We won't give up the recipe to Vincent's special drink that easily, mainly because we don't know what's in it either! He refuses to tell. . Hope you like this chapter and put the cushions to good use while waiting for the next one. But at the rate we update you might need new ones. ;o) Take care and muchos gracias for the review!

**Kao**: Thanks for the review. Glad to see you're enjoying it. Sephiroth and his brothers are our favourite characters too. We just can't resist putting them in awkward situations. : ) Jenova's such a classy lady (?), the guys don't know how lucky they are to have an evil, manipulative alien for a mother. The image of her going around dressed like a stressed out house wife is pretty funny we agree. We certainly seem to come down hard on Kadaj, poor dear Kadaj. We might actually us the idea of Jenova intruding on his thoughts when he's having some 'alone' time with the lawnmower magazines. Lol. As you asked here's an update! Now where's our cookies? Chocolate chip ones please.

**Aries Draco**She loves us, she really loves us! Lol. Thanks very much for the review. Happy to make you laugh. Laughing is very good for you. It's going to continue for another while, we're not running out of ideas yet, so nobody needs to get killed! 'Fraid you won't be getting Masamune anytime soon. Sephiroth seems too attached to it. Of course you can always break into his dorm room, unlock the safe and steal it without getting seen and blame it on Kadaj…or maybe not. :P


	11. Dial 'M' for Mother

_**There is no need to adjust your monitor. Your sight is perfectly fine. This is in fact an update.**_

**Disclaimer:** Right so if we combine our presents together… Hmmm. PSP, MP3 player, socks, money, perfume, DVDs…. Ohhh, no false alarm… Wait there's something… NOPE. We have not received the ownership papers of Square-Enix or the rights of any brand names mentioned in this fic. And just in case you are wondering Lady G didn't get Sephiroth for a present under her Christmas tree either…. 

LadyG: (Sob) It's just not fair. :'(

RealtF: Ehem, excuse us a moment. What did we agree about not breaking down in front of the readers…

LadyG: We said not to… Fine, I can pull it together. I still don't own Sephy :'(

RealtF: For the love of all things… never mind onto the fic.

* * *

Chapter 11: Dial 'M' for Mother

* * *

The time had finally arrived for the soccer match and Ifrit's excitement had caught on to everyone else. The three janitors seemed especially happy, which was causing everyone else some anxiety, especially when they took out their cameras complete with paparazzi style lenses and about twenty rolls of film.

"So what do you think has them in such a good mood?"

Aeris scratched her head, "I don't know Quistis I wish I did because the overwhelming sense of unease that I feel is getting stronger by the minute."

Tifa nodded her agreement then burst out laughing as Eiko was a bit too enthusiastic during one of the TWATS routines and ended up kicking Rinoa in the ass so hard that she fell forward onto all the match equipment. This sent everyone into hysterics.

Squall ended up laughing so hard tears were rolling down his cheeks and he had to run to the toilet. Cloud kept taking photos from different angles.

The TWATS all rushed around to help their fallen leader.

"I sure hope no one noticed my fall."

"Oh my gosh Rinoa I'm so sorry, I just … oh… I'm really sorry I'll totally buy you a whole new set of accessories for you to customise your outfits with. Oh I hope your outfit's not torn because you look totally cute in it."

"I do Eiko, gee thanks, hehe. Squall youhoo, hi. You guys he's totally smiling at me hehe."

"Woohoo romance."

"Totally looking at you, uh huh."

"He's so in love with you."

Cloud had finished the roll of film and was currently trying to borrow some of the janitors' rolls. They shook hands and Cloud returned with two rolls.

"So what did you have to promise in order to get those. Cloud if it's anything illegal your mom will kill me." Tifa whined.

Cloud smiled brightly at her. "No worries Tif, all I have to do is take photos of the match for them. They just wanted that."

"That's suspicious."

"I know what could they possibly be up to?"

Loz shrugged. "It can't be anything seriously bad." Seeing the incredulous looks everyone was shooting him, he continued. "Think about it. 1) Ifrit organised the match and they like him, value his friendship. 2) Shiva, if they wreck Ifrit's match she'll kill them. 3) If they're this happy it's either Bahamut, Odin or Mario being hurt. The only pain we'll experience is perhaps some flying debris."

The rest of the group started grinning; they caught the janitors' eyes and raised their drinks in salute. The janitors raised their drinks uncertainly in return.

"You don't think they know do you?" Lyonal asked Spiller.

"What? No. How could they? Unless… Denny?"

"No seriously I never said anything. Ah c'mon guys even I know when to keep my mouth shut."

Spiller and Lyonal snorted at that.

"Really I didn't breathe a word of it to anyone…"

"Of what?" Vincent dematerialised out of the shadows.

"Oh it's… heh… nothing. Absolutely nothing." Spiller said while Denny and Lyonal nodded vigorously in agreement.

Vincent smirked. "This 'nothing' wouldn't be the reason why all the students are staring at ye like you're their heroes."

"…."

"One question. Will I enjoy it?"

At this the janitors smiled wickedly.

Seeing the janitors smiling put Cid on edge. "Hey Ifrit, this thing gonna be !"# ; starting anytime soon?"

"Should be we're just waiting on Odin."

"That piece of !#£;)€ figures. Can someone check if Odin's still breathing?"

As if saying his name had caused him to appear the bane of Yazoo's existence arrived and stunned everyone into complete and utter silence.

The teams were lined out, the TWATS were mid cheer and everyone else was alternately eating, drinking and talking but this all stopped once Odin appeared. The janitors however appeared completely unfazed by the ancient SAEGF's appearance.

Odin strolled to the centre of the pitch while everyone just stared at him. "Let's get this party, er, match started! Either way I'm going to be showing off my mightily impressive ball skills. Hehe, rawr. Looking good ladies. You too Yazoo."

The Janitors' cameras were already flashing and they poked Cloud into action as well. Odin's hair was still in its giant afro from this afternoon, except someone had painted little black dots all over it so that Odin now resembled a giant soccer ball to anyone over ten foot, which just happened to be quite a few of the SAEGFS. Cerebus was the first to mistake Odin for the ball and then everyone joined in, even those who could tell it was Odin.

"WHAT DO YE… OWWWW… THINK YE ARE… OUCH… I'M NOT THE BLOODY BALL!"

At this stage everyone began to appreciate the janitors' twisted genius.

Kadaj was staring at Yazoo and poking him in the arm. "Yaz, hello! Kadaj to Yazoo." Kadaj started waving his hand in front of Yazoo's face.

Sephiroth pushed Kadaj out of the way once Yazoo started crying. "What's up with him? Yazoo stop all this emotional crap. Mother will mentally kick your ass for this."

"It's just so… I… they… this is the best thing EVER!"

"Huh?"

"I know I said that Quezacotl was my hero today but this just is just… I love them… I worship them… Look at him get tossed about like a rag doll… They are brilliant!"

Sephiroth smirked. "For this, I'll say they are a lot more intelligent than I would ever have guessed or given them credit for."

* * *

"That had to be one of the best things to have ever happened… like EVER… Did you see how…" 

"Yazoo SHUT UP! We all saw, we were there, wishing we had our cameras too." Sephiroth shouted hoping his brother would finally stop yelling in his ear.

"Yeah, that's right." Cloud nodded. "I'm the smart one with the camera." He then blew on his nails and buffed them against his chest. "Oh Yeah."

"Sure you are."

"Just lucky not smart."

"Whatever."

Cloud was distressed. "Ahh c'mon. Let me have this one iddy-biddy thing. It was smart. I don't care what ye say it was and you all know it."

Tifa linked her arm through Cloud's right arm while Aeris linked his left arm. "Ok we'll let you have this. It's possibly the only time it will ever happen though."

"Thanks."

Quistis was reading a leaflet Vincent handed out after the match. "There's a victory party at the Crypt."

Aeris snorted. "Big Surprise there."

"Oh. Ladies night. We get to drink for free."

"Seriously… we… drink… for… free… no… catch…"

Quistis scanned the leaflet again, then sighed. "Here it is. The more skin shown the larger the drinks."

"That… means…"

"Skirts, dresses, shorts and skimpy tops." Lulu groaned. "I already have enough on show."

"The man's a genius." Zidane murmured happily, and was then slapped by every female near him. "Ow, hey. I was just saying."

Garnet shook her head and hit Zidane a second time as she passed him. "Never mind. Come on girls we have to get ready."

* * *

The girls had all adhered to Vincent's dress regulations and were currently reaping the benefits of the free, larger drinks on offer. The guys however were not so happy. 

Wakka was outraged. "I'm outraged! This is blatent sexism."

"Kimahri's wallet feel much lighter."

"Huh. You are preaching to the choir furball." Amarant crossed his arms and started sulking, while all the other guys nodded their agreement.

"Kuja and Miss Alex are not even being charged." Kadaj muttered bitterly.

"I know, what if we dressed up as women like them. Then he'd have to give us free drinks too." Steiner huffed.

At this point a lightbulb went off over every guy's head except for Tidus, Zell and Cloud, who were nodding and grinning just because everyone else was.

* * *

Freya looked over at all the guys who were grinning and nodding like fools. "Should we be worried?" 

"Oh don't worry it will just give you worry lines which lead to premature wrinkles. Icksome."

Quistis ignored Rinoa who was now talking about various anti-aging creams to the rest of the TWATS. "Nah, I wouldn't worry, none of them are missing any limbs." She took a closer look at the group. "Maybe you should get a camera though. Better yet get the janitors to get theirs."

While all the guys mysteriously disappeared the girls persuaded the janitors to fetch their cameras by placing a few free drinks and holding a free fashion show of what they were wearing for the janitors.

Garnet shrugged. "I guess now we wait."

"Woohoo, hide and seek."

"…."

"Are… sure… she's… not… related… to… Cloud… Tidus… or… Zell…?"

"Unfortunately yes. Although if she was it would explain a lot."

* * *

Meanwhile the guys had grabbed Kuja and were currently dragging him towards the beauty section of the school. They shoved him unceremoniously into a chair, where he proceeded to pout and fuss with his clothes ensuring they all look straight before mustering the evilest glare he could and fixing them with it. Upon seeing their expressions however, he became curious. 

"What do I owe this, ehem, pleasure to?"

All the guys shuffled their feet nervously avoiding eye contact with each other and especially with Kuja. Kuja began to grow impatient. "Well?"

Loz, Steiner and Wakka pushed Sephiroth forward. "Eh… well… Kuja you see…," Sephiroth rubbed the back of his neck nervously wondering how on earth he was meant to phrase this question without loosing an ounce of dignity or more importantly masculinity.

"Is there something you want to ask me," Kuja drawled, "or am I here for you to practice your 'impressive' public speaking skills upon?" Sephiroth glowered.

Kadaj mustered all of his courage took a deep breathe and spoke extremely rapidly. "Weneedyoutogiveusamakeoverintowomensowedon'thavetopayforourdrinkstonight."

"…. Care to pause between words?"

"We need you to give us a makeover into women so we don't have to pay for our drinks tonight."

Kuja's face brightened immediately. "Ohhh. I'm honoured. Now let's get this drag act on the road."

* * *

Needless to say that none of the Crypt's regulars had ever seen anything quite like the sight that greeted them in just over an hour and a half later. 

"….."

"I… don't… believe…it…"

"I missed him putting on a dress."

"….."

"He has nicer legs than me! How is that possible?"

"……"

"Oh my Gawd."

"Huh? What? They…."

"What in the !#£;)€ ?"

"They used my equipment. Nothing better be broken"

"When did we get new students?"

"Hahahahahahahahahaha…"

"Those are my shoes."

"That's my favorite dress."

"Fishnets?"

"I'm the original. They ain't nothing but a cheap knock off."

"Is that…"

"Why are they?"

"Who ordered the drag queens?"

"Another roll Denny. Lyonal, how much do you think this is worth in blackmail alone?"

"Mwhahahahahaha."

"Excellent."

All the while Kuja beamed proudly at his creations.

* * *

After the initial shock of seeing all the male students dressed up as women wore off, Vincent agreed to allowing them the same Ladies night privileges the girls were receiving. The guys however were experiencing some rather surprising teething problems. 

"Ow how in the hell are you meant to walk in these goddamn things. I really don't think the heel is very stable. I mean look at how small it is and that's meant to carry all my weight."

"Seph, you have it easy. At least your underwear isn't riding up your…"

"…Ooooooohhhhhh." Yazoo shuddered. "There are breezes where they shouldn't be breezes."

Irvine teetered closer to the bar. "Seriously if this is what women go through… I'm glad I was born male. I mean I keep having to pull up my tights every three seconds."

"I have to make sure my skirt doesn't ride up to far. Honestly the amount of flesh I am exposing is preposterous." Wakka held onto his skirts hem and was pulling it down.

Cloud was having different problems. "My boobs won't stay in the bra… They keep… why won't they just stay put?"

"Never mind your boobs. My eyes are glued shut." Zell whimpered.

Tidus turned Zell around to face him. "No there not, your mascara's just clumping on both eyelids. You put too much on."

At this point the girls all started whistling and catcalling at the guys who were turning red.

"Nice legs."

"Hey good-looking."

"I just love your top."

Cloud's bottom lip quivered. "You leave my wonky boobs out of this…"

"Yeah you pigs. Can't a gir… I mean guy have a drink in peace."

"Sure but this one's on me gorgeous."

"Well, I never. That's no way to behave. So indecent."

"Just cut it out, you've had your laugh. Hey you three stop taking pictures. Perverts."

* * *

As they boys were trying to sort out their various problems someone was feeling particularly lonely and decided that the only thing to do was to pop in and pay a visit to the heads of her offspring. 

"_Oh. Oh. I can have fun with this. Mwahahahahahahahahaha."_

* * *

The guys all began to down their drinks faster and faster in the hopes of becoming so drunk that this night would become a permanent black spot in their memory, that and they also hoped that the drunker they were the better they'd be able to walk in heels. For the brothers, however, being drunker meant that they had less mental control than normal, which spelled out trouble for them when Jenova dropped in for a surprise visit. 

"_How are my boys this fine evening?"_

"_Eep mommy."_

"_Fine… we're, eh… just fine mother."_

"_Why Sephy you wouldn't lie to me your mother now would you?"_

"_Er…"_

"_Boys why are you all wobbling? Why are you slightly colder than normal? Hmmm?"_

"_EH… well… funny story actually…"_

"_Save it Lozzy. I'm only interested in why you thought you could hide the fact that you were dressed as women from me?"_

"_You can tell?"_

"_Of course. You think it, I know it. Now this is wonderful news."_

"_Why is that mother?"_

"_Why I haven't had a proper girls night out in… well never. But that's all about to change tonight isn't it?"_

"_Oh SH.."_

"_Just relax. Let Mummy dearest take care of everything."_

* * *

"_Seph, we're dead. We are so dead…"_

"_Yeah she's out there controlling our bodies."_

"_I'm too young to be this manipulated."_

"_Please Kadaj, too young to be manipulated, with that thing for a mother? Before you say it Yazoo, I know dead, I got the idea."_

"_So what do we do?"_

"_We wait Loz. We just wait and hope that everyone's too drunk to notice that we're not behaving like we usually do."_

"… _dead, so, so dead…"_

* * *

The brothers' prayers were somewhat answered in that everyone was drunk enough to not take too much notice of their odd behavior. That and everyone thought they were strange to begin with. So it was with mild surprise that everyone spotted the four of them on stage doing Karaoke. What was surprising however, was their choice of song. 

_What you want, baby I got it_

_What you need, do you know I got it_

_All I want you to do for me_

_Is give me some (re re re re) respect when you come home (Just a little bit)_

_Baby (when you come home) when you come home (Just a little bit)_

The song continued with Yazoo, Loz and Kadaj providing backing vocals and a well choreographed dance.

Quistis blinked in surprise. "That's an interesting song choice."

"I know being women must be getting to them." Aeris giggled.

"They… are… kind… of… good…"

Tifa peered at each brother carefully. "Hey don't their eyes seem strangely out of focus, almost glazed?"

Garnet shrugged. "Who cares? We're getting a free show."

* * *

Miss Alex nodded her head along to the beat then leaned towards Mario. "They're not bad. With a bit of practise they could even have their own drag act." 

"They could but it's such a shame having to hide that exquisite beauty beneath make-up. I could work something out though. They also need some help on colour co-coordinating… but again that can be fixed." Mario began mentally preparing exactly what he'd have to do before he could think of letting them perform in public.

The brothers with Jenova's 'fine' taste in music then proceeded to sing an entire set of songs consisting of songs like "_I'm every woman_," "_Girls just wanna have fun_," and all of the Spice Girls' hits.

"Sing it girls." Miss Alex got up along with Mario and started dancing in front of the stage, soon everyone had joined in.

* * *

The party continued well into the early hours of the morning and continued the tradition of debauchery and stupidity that mixing the students and alcohol had. If anyone noticed a slight change in the brothers' behavior the put it down to the amount of drink they had. Plus everyone else was in much the same condition. After Jenova had finished with their bodies their last coherent thought before sleep claimed them was: _"That was fun. There are some interesting people at this school. We'll have to do it again sometime."_

* * *

The morning sun streaming in the windows did nothing to wake the students from their coma like state. The evidence from last night's excess was visible all over the school. The trees in the garden were festively adorned with tights and suspenders and Zidane still slept while tied to a branch with a pair of fishnets. Reno and Rude snoozed in the Crypt with their arms around each other covered in obscene graffiti written with lipstick. 

In Cloud, Tidus and Zell's room Cloud was groggily regaining consciousness. Well whatever passed as consciousness for Cloud.

"Hey guys! Tidus, Zell! I'm blind!" The other two started awake to their friend's frantic cries. "Wh-what's the matter? Are we being invaded?" Zell asked.

"No! Can't you see I'm blind?"

"Maybe take your head out of your pillow Cloud," Tidus ventured to guess.

Cloud slowly obliged and sat up, "Phew, thanks Tidus. I was wondering why my voice sounded so muffled."

Tidus smiled and shrugged, "No prob. What was this about us being invaded?"

"We're being invaded!" Zell shouted from under his duvet, "I don't want to be probed. It's embarrassing. You see this one time Seifer…"

Cloud went over and opened the dorm window. From outside came the howls of wolves, the cries of vultures and the snores of Zidane. "It's quiet," he said.

"Too quiet. I'm suspicious," Tidus said suspiciously.

The three sat silently, exchanging worried looks, now and again glancing up at the ceiling waiting for the rings of lights to come down and transport them up to the Mother ship.

Aeris, Tifa and Yuna suddenly burst into the room causing the boys to scream and immediately pick up their weapons. "Back, back evil aliens!" Cloud threatened while pointing his sword handle first at Yuna. Quistis strolled calmly through the door and tried not to laugh as Tidus stood obviously behind the curtains, Zell was crawling around the room with his eyes closed in the belief that 'if I can't see you, you can't see me,' and Cloud still holding his sword shoved his head back into his pillow.

Zell grabbed the toilet scrubber and was waving it around with his eyes still closed, "Don't take me! Take them!"

The girls exchanged glances and rolled their eyes. "Don't…worry," Yuna said gently while batting Cloud's sword away, "Nobody…is…going…to…abduct…you."

Tifa laughed, "Not like anybody would want too. They'd take one look at you and send you straight back."

Zell put the scrubber away, "Really? Phew, that's a relief."

Aeris started to root through the wardrobe and threw out some clothes. "C'mon guys, get dressed. We have breakfast and class soon. I'm sure you'll be delighted to get out of those women's clothes."

"Yeah. Can't wait to get out of these tights and back into my yellow crop top," Tidus said while shrugging off his dress. "Good to feel manly again. I don't know how you girls manage to put up with being… well girls all the time. I'd hate to be one."

Yuna held Tifa's arm back before she knocked Tidus' skinny ass into the next life. "Now…Tifa…remember…they're…special…cases."

"Just use the exclusive WAMRL stress ball I gave you," Aeris called over as she was helping Zell with his shoelaces. She shook her head, "It says something about a group when their mascot is a stress ball."

"Well women are half the population but all the brains," Tifa said squeezing the stress ball that was conveniently shaped like Cloud's head so hard her face went red.

The four girls laughed while Zell, Cloud and Tidus grinned stupidly not realizing they were being made fun of.

"Hey Aeris was does WAMRL stand for?" Zell ventured to ask.

Aeris reply was cut off by a scream coming from the outside corridor.

"Auuuggghhhh!"

Yuna ran to the door, "That…sounded…like…Yazoo."

"No Yazoo's scream has a lower pitch," Tifa answered and pushed past into the hallway. The rest followed and found Sephiroth throttling Kadaj by the news board. Yazoo stood nearby looking bemused and the ever caring Loz was trying to placate his eldest brother who was shaking Kadaj so fast he looked like a moving blur. All were still wearing their glad rags from the night before.

"Listen Seph it couldn't have being Kadaj," Loz said, "he didn't have his camera last night and besides we were all under Jenova's control."

"Yeah that's right," Kadaj blubbered, "C'mon knock it off, I think I'm getting a nose bleed."

Sephiroth stopped and gingerly stood up balancing on his stilettos. "Tch, fine." He pointed at Yazoo. "Wipe that smirk off your face or I'll do it for you."

Yazoo crossed his arms and continued smiling, "Maybe that would have sounded more threatening if you weren't wearing women's clothes."

"Quiet. I could look threatening in a bunny suit. Regardless someone's going to pay for this."

"Listen what's all this about?" Aeris asked and handed Cloud a tissue as he had started crying when Sephiroth had said 'bunny'.

Sephiroth spun around evidently not realizing they were there and getting Cloud in the eye with his hair while doing so. "What's this all about?" he spluttered and pointed at the bulletin board. A number of pictures were pinned to it showing a very drunk and mind controlled Sephiroth singing karaoke with Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj on backing vocals, other of him slumped over the bar and worst of all talking to Mario and Fabio. "I'll never live this down." He slumped against the wall.

Zell looked incredulous. "Yeah, I mean your bag doesn't even match your shoes. I'd be upset too."

Quistis hid Zell behind her back before the silver haired man started throttling him. "Listen Yazoo, Loz and Kadaj got their pictures taking too and they don't seem too upset." She looked at the brothers who nodded.

Sephiroth turned a very attractive shade of puce and clenched his fists. "That's not the point! I've a reputation to keep up. I'm wearing women's clothes. What sort of a villain dances around in a skirt?"

"Well there's Kuja," Aeris said simply.

Yazoo laughed. "And it'd be terrible if your good reputation and standing was tainted," he said in mock horror.

Sephiroth made too wrap his hands around Yazoo's neck but suddenly yelped and grabbed his leg. "What the hell!"

Cid was standing further up the hall with pellet gun in hand and cigarette in mouth. "Break it up. Ye've missed breakfast. Class is in five. All villains go to room 27, the rest room 24. Now get off ye're slow moving asses!" He shot Yazoo in the behind for old times sake and left chuckling.

"You nasty, bitter old man!" Yazoo shouted after him.

Loz put a hand on his shoulder, "Forget it Yaz. Let's go to class."

"Damn it Loz, why'd you have to be so responsible?"

The burly man just shrugged, "Cos you guys would go crazy without me or never get an education…Oh wait never mind."

"Hmph, us getting an education in this place? That'll be the day." Kadaj rolled his eyes derisively. "Oww. Jeez. Who hit me?"

Cid, from further down the hall, lowered his gun, "I said get the !#£;)€off ye're slow moving asses! Think I might call ye the Ugly Sisters from now on." He gestured to Loz, Kadaj, Yazoo and Sephiroth. "Get changed."

* * *

Twenty minutes later they had successfully changed into their costumes. However Loz still had a patchwork of red welts in his legs from the fishnets and Kadaj nearly had an eye taken out by a flying suspender belt. "Beauty really is a pain, "Yazoo said as they walked towards the classroom." 

"Dearies you have no idea," came Beatrix's voice from voice from behind them. Sephiroth quickened his step but Beatrix, with surprising strength grabbed his elbow and spun him around to face her.

"Don't leave me alone with her," Sephiroth whispered anxiously.

"Sure we won't" Yazoo said while running up the corridor with Loz and Kadaj following suit. Sephiroth disengaged himself from Beatrix's grip and mustered his most dangerous glare.

"Beatrix laughed and tossed her hair off her shoulders, "Oh dear, your eyes are crossed. Don't scowl."

"Listen Beatrix I have a class to go to…"

"Hush now," she said putting her fingers to his lips which made him jump. "I saw those pictures of you. You're quite a good singer and dancer. And with a body and face like yours, you could be rich." She looked at him from under her eyelashes. "What do you say?"

Sephiroth felt the blood drain from his face but managed to retort, "What I really want to say I can't because my mother told me it's rude to swear."

"_Well get a thesaurus then. Plenty of useful words in there," _came Jenova's voice. _"Listen Sephy just get rid of the broad. You're good at getting rid of people so why not her?"_

Sephiroth sighed. Wonderful, two overbearing females for him to contend with. _"It's not that simple Mother." _Beatrix meanwhile had taken advantage of the tall man's distracted state and moved a step closer to him. Sephiroth, still having an animated conversation with Jenova in his head was oblivious of this.

"_Look she's a teacher. And usually I'm all for homicide but I don't want to get expelled…" _Sephiroth stopped realizing he was whining.

"_I never expected you to be such a wimp. Must have gotten it from Hojo's side of the family," _she said. _"I have to go, the Golden Girls are on. And it's the one where Sophia finds out she's pregnant. Kisses to the rest."_

"_Wait isn't Sophia about ninety years old?" _No answer, like a puff of smoke Jenova had vanished from his mind. Sephiroth mulled over this but the fell of Beatrix's breath on his face jolted him out of his reverie. She had moved right up next to him and was biting her lip while smiling up at him.

Recovering himself and taking a breath Sephiroth grabbed Beatrix's shoulders and pushed her back gruffly. He smirked at the look of surprise on her face before turning on his heel and stalking off. Unexpectedly Beatrix started giggling behind him. Sephiroth ignored this and went into the classroom. Loz waved him into a seat. "We I'll be. You're back and fully clothed too."

"We thought she had gone all black widow on you."

"Only you Kadaj," Yazoo said.

"You guys weren't much help." Sephiroth shot daggers at his brothers.

Loz held up his hands, "Hey you know the saying: Two's company and three's…uh um I forget."

"You people seem to forget a lot of things," a fair-haired women in a dark suit called from the front of the class. She pointed to her watch. "Try not to forget that class starts at 11 sharp."

"Give it a rest Elena," Reno said coming in the door. "You take your job too seriously." Behind him came three Furies and Rude.

"Elena do a head count," one of the Furies asked while handing out a bulky folder to each of the students. "I still can't believe Kuja's a villain," Ultimecia whispered from the seat in front.

"Well maybe people will gouge their eyes out in horror when they see him," Kadaj joked.

Ultimecia laughed, "Or go mad when they find out he's actually a man." She shot Kuja a look. He was currently preening himself with his new mirror.

"Okay everyone let's start," another of the Furies flew to the top of the class and clapped her wings. "Let's introduce ourselves. I'm Sue Ellen Fury. This is Mary Ellen Fury and beside her is Mary Sue Ellen Fury. And of course Elena of the Turks." Elena smiled and gave a small bow. "Hi," the class called back.

"Open your folders to page five. It's a basic introduction to being a villain."

"Shady past, evil laugh, ludicrous dress sense, improbable hair," Sephiroth read down the checklist and tried out his evil laugh to be sure. "Yes, I have it all."

"Why are Reno and Rude here?" Loz gestured over to where the twosome were popping Alka Seltzer tablets, "They're more stupid then evil."

"You must never judge a book by its cover." Mary Ellen plopped down beside them. "Or a villain by the length of his sword," she added motioning to Masamune.

Sephiroth put a hand on its hilt, "Serious question: When am I going to get the opportunity to use it?"

"Don't worry, soon. You'll have plenty of chances for some good clean violence." At every word the Fury spoke Sephiroth's eyes grew wider and glitterier. Yazoo rolled his eyes, "He's lucky the TWATS aren't here."

"Like a kid with a new toy," Loz added.

"Wow the new CutGrass 2000 is out," Kadaj squealed reading his latest issue. "I must tell Seymour."

Suddenly the grass guru himself burst into the room. "No need to my young apprentice for I am always one step ahead of the latest lawnmower fashions."

Ultimecia let her jaw fall open, "This place just keeps getting weirder and weirder."

"Wait a second! That hay roller is a villain?" Kuja jumped out his seat. "He is a disgrace to villains everywhere."

"Me? Why don't you look in the mirror some time before you throw out wild accusations? And it's grass not lowly hay I deal with. A peasant like you would never understand," Seymour shouted.

"How dare you!" Kuja screeched his skirt fluttering angrily, "What can you do to me? Give me allergies? Eh grass bag!"

Seymour narrowed his eyes, "Time to teach you a lesson in humility." He pulled out a pair of shears and weed killer. Kadaj jumped to his side, "Nobody insults the lawn and gets away with it!" He batted Kuja with the rolled up magazine.

"I think you can use Masamune now," Mary Ellen shouted above the noise.

"Woo-hoo!" Sephiroth cried having a momentary lapse in decorum. He stood up and waved the sword around his head taking out a few light fittings in the process before leaping into the fray.

Yazoo and Loz looked at each other. "Did you just hear what I heard?" Yazoo began.

Loz nodded. "Yep. He's finally lost all his marbles. Ouch!" Loz held his arm where some stray weedkiller had landed and was eating into the leather sleeve.

Yazoo leaned over, "Nasty. You'd better go and see Barett."

"Barett? Hell no. I'd rather let the stuff disintegrate through me. If I went to Barett that would be the end result anyway."

"Just like old times," Sue Ellen said wistfully to Elena.

Elena nodded, "And Reno still wouldn't be able to beat up a chimpanzee." She glanced over to where Reno was hitting Kadaj with his laser rod. Raising it over his head for a powerful blow he succeeded in jamming it in a nearby light socket thereby electrocuting himself in the process.

"This place is getting weirder by the second," Ultimecia sighed and aimed a well-placed kick at Kuja's groin. Worryingly Kuja didn't flinch.

* * *

Meanwhile in room 24…. 

"…so trying to destroy the world, having a simple back story and knowing what the hell is going on is a no-no if you're a good guy," Flora closed the book. "Any question?"

"What about plot twists?" Amarant asked.

"Oh just pretend to be really surprised when it happens even though you might have seen it coming a mile off," Merryweather answered.

When the students had arrived at room 24 they were a little bit surprised to find the three fairy Godmothers Flora, Fauna and Merryweather as their teachers. "Well you see we've been out of work for ages since the bottom fell out of the fairytale market," Fauna explained.

"And those lazy bastards at Disney aren't much help either," Flora sniffed. The students were even more surprised to find Yoda also teaching the class. The TWATS immediate reaction to the hairy, little gremlin was "Eww! Icky!" Yoda however offered no explanation as to why he was teaching a group of Final Fantasy characters other than, "A major cheapass that George Lucas is. And sue the writers I will."

After hearing Yoda babbling on in backwards speech for thirty minutes about the virtues of being a good guy Irvine had had enough. "Why the hell do you talk like that? And I thought Zell was annoying."

"Shut up you shall," Yoda retorted sagely, "Three hundred years old I am. Much respect you must give me."

"Bah!" Irvine guffawed, "You'd think in all those years you'd have learnt English properly."

"Die you now!" Yoda cried and leapt gracefully up into the air drawing his light saber. Luckily for Irvine the batteries went before Yoda could kebab him.

"AHHHHH. Cheap ass !#£;)€ merchandise. Happens this always. Stupid, stupid !#£;)€ ……"

"Now, now Yoda," Fauna cautioned, "Swearing and trying to kill a student are not traits heroes have."

"Buzz off you old spinster," Yoda said and launched himself towards the fairies.

"Hey he just said something using proper sentence construction," Freya said incredously.

Garnet grabbed her arm and headed towards the door. "Let's not hang around to see what else he says." The three fairy Godmothers and Yoda were squaring off.

"Bring it on!" Flora cried.

"You want some of this!"

"Yoda smash!"

The rest of the pupils followed Garnet's example and stampeded out the door leaving the teachers to duke it out.

"That went well," Steiner puffed.

"What…ever," Squall wheezed. Aeris went over to Quistis and the TWATS who were looking a little worse for wear.

"You alright Quistis?"

"I'm okay. The TWATS and I got hit by a stray lighting bolt or whatever those fairies were firing."

Rinoa stood up, "Now my hair's all frizzy. Oh and Rikku got turned to stone. She pointed over to Rikku who was frozen in stone. Selphie was waving her hand over her face not understanding why Rikku wasn't responding. "Hey Rikku? You okay, you look a bit grey."

"I vote we leave her like that," Paine said and several students nodded their agreement.

"What's the loss of one moron?" Lulu said, "there's plenty of others."

"Lulu always has such good ideas," Kimahri put a paw on her shoulder.

"I'm getting another one right now." Lulu said threateningly.

Kimahri looked affronted. "Lulu need to lighten up." She forcibly removed the paw.

"And Kimahri need to deaden up," Lulu hissed back.

"As thrilling as all this bickering is," Zidane interjected, "I say we should take Rikku to Barett to unstone her or whatever."

"You're only saying that because she's a girl," Garnet put her hands on her hips.

Tifa helped Quistis and Eiko up. "Okay let's take them to Barett then. I'd feel bad if we just left her like that."

Aeris raised her eyebrows. "No matter how tempting it is? Imagine no more Woo-hoos!"

"Woo-hoo!" Selphie cried.

"Come guys, let's go."

When the group arrived at Barett's surgery they found Kuja and the rest of the villains nursing various wounds and scratches.

"The class got a little out of hand," Elena said while dressing a sore looking cut under Sephiroth's eye which he got off of one of Ultimecia's lethal looking hair ornaments.

"But the good news is your next class 'Romance Angle' is cancelled because of all the injuries."

"So what's the class after that?" Nooj asked.

"Battle class," came the reply amid much groans.

"Great that's all I need," Quistis moaned.

Barett took one look at the frozen Rikku and tossed over a small green bottle to Tifa. "It's 'soft'. Just pour it over her."

"Will it work?" Tifa asked skeptically.

"Not a clue," Barett shrugged and went back to pummeling Yazoo's back.

"Ow damn my coccyx!" Yazoo cried.

* * *

By the time the students had managed to walk, limp, crawl and be wheeled towards battle class, they were already beyond exhausted and fed-up. 

"Do we seriously have to do this?" Amarant groaned.

"I don't think I can. Oh my gawd I think my arm fell off."

Rikku punched Yuffie's arm, "Nope still attached." Yuffie growled at Rikku's smiling face. "Aww, now you sound like Angelo."

"I'd hurt you but my body just won't listen to me."

"Help me."

"Help yourself Gippal. You're not the only one in pain."

Irvine chuckled and then stopped when his ribs started hurting. "You're a regular Florence Nightingale Freya. Real nice bedside manner about you."

"Shut it. Garnet lift my arm and hit him with it for me."

"Too much effort. Glare at him instead."

"Well aren't you lot ready for this. What the hell does Cid have scheduled before my classes to reduce ye to this state?"

Lulu looked at Lesley hopefully. "Seeing as we're in much worse states than last time does this mean we don't have class?"

"Ha. No. Get inside. My psychiatrist said that I need to make plans and stick to them and if I have to do it so do ye. Now move it."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"Ow"

"Ohh not so loud, I think my eardrums are the only things not hurt and I would like for them to remain that way."

"When ye all stop bickering get yer asses inside."

Zell turned to Tidus. "I thought Lesley taught this class not Cid."

Sephiroth tripped Zidane into both blondes. "That is Lesley morons."

"Wow. Hey do you think him and Cid are related?"

"Just move."

The room was bare except for a few mats and a couple of man-shaped dummies with the stuffing coming out in places.

Lesley rubbed the back of his neck ruefully. "There is supposed to be a high-tech holographic and robotic simulator but Reno, Rude and the Janitors decided to programme it to resemble the Millennium Falcon and Death Star alternatively, so they could play Star Wars and no one has figured out how to reconfigure it as the janitors were the ones who installed it. But as soon as we present them with an acceptable offer of bribery this will have to do."

"Lucky us." Aeris muttered.

"Right so first let's see how your form is. Eh… Lulu step up to the dummy and then attack it."

"I'd say her form is quite wonderful actually." Irvine whispered to all the other guys who perked up all of a sudden.

"Perverts. The whole lot of them. I'll be surprised any of ye have a circulatory system anymore seeing as your blood flow spends most of its time in a certain area." Quistis said while the girls all simultaneously shot the guys glares. Even the TWATS did even though they were still trying to figure out why they were supposed to be mad.

"Ladies, please I've heard the arguments for feminism from Beatrix and I agree with equality but trying to argue it to a group of hormonally driven guys who urgent need to parade their masculinity and superiority will get you no where. So don't waste your breath trying."

"Plus Kimahri don't remember you complaining about free drinks for ladies night last night."

All he got in response was a collective, "Hmph."

"Well Kimahri don't."

"Why did I ever become a teacher? Lulu continue. The sooner you start the sooner we finish."

In the end Lesley cut the class short. The girls had each taken a turn at the dummy after Lulu and by the end a certain area had been decimated completely and all males in the room were feeling sympathy pains and avoiding all the girls and the hateful glares they were shooting them.

Yazoo winced as every female in the room took their time stomping all over the dummy on their way out. "Another interesting day at this school over. Never a dull moment."

Loz slung an arm around his brothers' shoulders. "So what do you guys want to do? It is the weekend."

"Well Seymour has some new enhancements for the school's lawnmowers so I'll be spending the weekend working on that."

"Right. Well for the rest of us how does spending it in the Crypt sound?" Loz asked.

"Fine. But this time no drag." Sephiroth grumbled.

* * *

We're late with an update. We are seriously Sorry about that. A very long overdue update but we had a few things get in the way of putting this up. None of which we'll bore you with. We are seriously sorry to have gone such a ridiculously long time without updating. But you'll be happy to know that we (hopefully) intend to have the next chapter up within the next three weeks but it all depends on how writing it goes. See the format may change slightly in the coming chapters as we won't be focusing on each individual day but events instead. Anyways we have some ideas lined up that we hope ye will love and as always if you would like to suggest anything, we'll see if we can fit it in. 

**Please Read and Review**. Oh and if you are an anonymous review and do not want to leave an email address in you review you can go to the author page and reply there and we'll respond to your review, if not we'll put all anonymous review responses on the author page. Thanks for reading this and hopefully ;) reviewing it and for sticking out the long wait we put ye through.


	12. The Soft, The Whip and Cid's Wardrobe

**Disclaimer:**You've caught us empty handed. We own nought. They all belong to people much richer than us.

**Yoda:** Hacks these are. Plagarised this be. Better you can read.

**LadyG:** Why you no good, traitorous little... i don't know... what the heck are you short stop?

**RealtF:** He's about to be a whole lot shorter over that claim, "Hacks!" Watch us as we shrink you using our magical "hack" powers.

**Yoda:** No... Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

**

* * *

Chapter 12: The Soft, The Whip and Cid's Wardrobe. **

* * *

The days and weeks began to settle into a comfortable routine for the students… or as comfortable as frequent trips to Barret's office, Mario and Fabio's specific brand of torture and needing to drown themselves in alcohol in order to face another week is normal. 

Edie had upon careful consultation with Cid, who was getting rather free in his use of his pellet gun, decided that a class shopping trip was in order. The students were of course delighted to be leaving the school and Cid behind. It would give the dents caused by the pellets the chance to pop back out and maybe some of the bruising would lessen. Cid was just as excited as the students for the break, however, everyone began to tune him out after he mentioned the fact that he planned to spend the day in his underwear and nothing was going to make him get dressed. Not even the campaign that Mario and Fabio had organised which included them marching with placards outside wherever Cid was. Or the fact that everyone had signed a petition to "Stop Cid Stripping" under the society of the Prevention of Cruelty to Fashion, Eyes and the Recurrent Nightmares caused by such an incident.

Some of the students were most excited by the fact that the shopping trip presented the perfect opportunity to escape from the school. This fragile hope was dashed when Cid attached an electronic tag stating that after the Quina incident, (where she disappeared into the swamp, never to be seen again, although strange noises have been heard) he could take no more chances. So tagged they all trudged onto the bus dropping their shovels, ropes, maps and some basic survival necessities in a pile outside the bus.

* * *

The bus pulled up in front of the shopping centre and the students scrambled out quickly especially as someone thought it would be a good idea to start a pile-on with the TWATS on the bottom and everyone had to listen to them complain about the broken nails, chipped nail varnish, spilt hair ends and smudged make-up. 

Ultimecia grimaced. "Seriously if I have to hear once more about anything that bothers them I will not be held accountable for my actions."

"But… but… it's like totally broke and jagged…" Rinoa sniffled pathetically to the rest of the TWATS.

Ulitimecia twitched and fell into step with Rinoa and just as she was passing a fountain Ultimecia reached out and shoved her in. Of course seeing as the TWATS were walking with their arms linked it started a chain reaction and they all fell in. The other students each took the time to point and laugh as they watched the TWATS floundered in the twelve inch water. It was made funnier by the fact that they kept tripping and pulling each other down.

Edie called the students aside after the TWATS eventually made it out of the fountain and were given some dry clothes, that to them were disappointingly not shiny enough. Edie did a quick role call before addressing the assembled students. "Right well we'll meet back here in three hours do not be late. If you are the tags on your ankles will start shocking you and Cid set the voltage at the highest level so for your own sakes you should make it back. If you need any help you have both Rinni's and my number. Right so off you go."

The students disappeared as fast as a shot from Cid's pellet gun. Rinni chuckled. "So how many students do you think Barret will be treating for burns to ankles?"

Edie just sighed.

* * *

Amarant grabbed Gippal, Steiner, Kimahri and Lulu. Ultimecia opted to tag along, if only to laugh at them. Amarant dragged the group to the arcade and pushed some five year old kids off the dance machine. 

"Hey we were on that."

Amarant swivelled his head around before realising the voice came from below waist level. He cocked an eyebrow at the two kids who were currently giving him the evil eye. Granted it was watered down by the tears in their eyes. "Shouldn't ye be in school or something?" He cut them off before they could respond. "Now run along children and let the grown-ups play."

At everyone elses' raised eyebrows Gippal explained. "He's trying to beat Rude on the Dance-off machine but Rude won't let him practise on the one in the back office."

"Kimahri no know they had secret machine."

Amarant was exasperated. "Kimahri no know everything now do he?"

"No need to be mean to Kimahri."

"Never mind, I have to practise. Steiner get on the machine already."

Lulu and Ultimecia shared a look then burst out laughing at the idea of Steiner dancing about in his armour. Both quickly stopped when the game started and Amarant kept loosing.

Ultimecia shrugged. "Who would have known that a guy like Steiner could dance, especially wearing heavy armour."

Lulu nodded. "Hey want to play pool?"

"Sure."

Gippal and Kimahri followed both girls over to the pool tables. It was quickly settled that it would be a guys versus girls match after Kimahri tried to suggest he could teach the girls how to play the game. Kimahri was nursing a bruised head and a large headache after Ultimecia broke a pool cue over his head.

The game itself was no less competitive. Ultimecia kept bumping into Kimahri as he took a shot. Kimahri then kept accidentally bumping into the table. Gippal then kept coughing loudly and repeatedly chalked his cue while trying to distract Lulu. Lulu in turn kept bending over whenever Gippal took a shot, which resulted inGippal widely missing potting a lot of easy shots. However the game had to be abandoned after Gippal shot a sixth ball into Lulu's cleavage. She had had enough.

"I've had enough. If I have to fish one more pool ball out of my top well you'll have to fish the pool cue out of your…"

"I GIVE UP! Steiner you are just too good at this game. One more time."

* * *

Lulu and Ultimecia left just as Amarant had lost again and Kimahri and Gippal started a new game of pool. Both girls made their way to the lingerie store because Lulu could no longer stand being braless and Ultimecia was looking for some patterned tights. They walked into the bra section to find Quistis, Yuna, Aeris and Tifa. Tifa was holding at least one of every kind of bra in the store, the minute she spotted Lulu she ran over. 

"Look proper support. I just had to get one of each. Now I have more bras than I know what to do with. We need to get you some too." Tifa dragged Lulu over to a bewildered sales assistant who was amazed that another person had a chest to rival Tifa's.

Ultimecia wandered over to Aeris, Yuna and Quistis after she found the tights she was looking for. "So how long do you think they'll be? I'm starving."

"Me… too…"

Quistis looked up from rooting through her bags. "I could go for something to eat."

Aeris glanced around and caught Tifa's attention. Then she spent five minutes trying to tell Tifa through the lost art of interpretive dance that they were going to get something to eat. Once Tifa had finally decoded the message they went to the nearest place to eat.

* * *

There they found Zell, Tidus and Cloud colouring in the children's mats and sat down at their table. Sephiroth, Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz came from the counter and joined them. Aeris and Yuna went to get the food making sure to brush up against Tidus and Cloud as they left the table, it had no effect on the crayon covered pair. Ultimecia took out a nail file and started sharpening her nails to points. Quistis was still rifling through her bags. Yazoo being nosy stuck his head into Quistis' bag to see what she bought. He quickly removed it after she nearly slapped the face off him. "What I was only trying to see what you bought me?" 

"No. You were just being nosy."

"I was not."

"You were too. It says it five lines up."

"Stupid authors. Fine so I was being nosy. What did you buy?"

"Nothing much this and that. You?"

"I bought underwear, boxers, briefs… long johns."

"…"

"Hey if you were wearing this costume you would too."

Sephiroth who like everyone else couldn't help but hear his brother as he screamed out the underwear he bought grimaced. "Yazoo I am trying to eat. It would be great if you could refrain from mentioning your underwear while I do so."

Loz added his agreement through a mouth full of burger. "Yeah, dat wud be fantastic. I see enough of it having to clean up after you."

"Hey!"

Kadaj nodded. "He's right you are a slob."

"You want to take this outside flower boy?"

Ultimecia and Quistis just tuned out the brothers as they continued to threaten to maim each other.

Aeris and Yuna returned with the food just as Lulu and Tifa came in.

The girls tucked into their food with gusto while simultaneously continuing a conversation. The guys all stared.

"Damn. You lot need to learn some manners." Yazoo looked queasy.

"Yeah, it's rude to talk wiv your mouth full." Loz managed to say around a mouth full of chips. "Wha'? What's everyone staring at?"

"You." Kadaj said.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Never mind we have to get back to the meeting place soon. I have no intentions of spending anymore time with Barret."

"It's not like he's going to do anything besides give you soft." Quistis snorted.

Yazoo looked incredulous. "Hello he cracked my coccyx when all I had was an injured leg. The man's crazy."

* * *

The group headed to the meeting place. When they arrived they found everyone else already there. It seems that no one wished to test the voltage on the ankle tags. The girls all began to show what they had bought to each other. 

Irvine scratched his head. "Why do they do this? They tell each other everything about their clothes but if one of them dares to get the same as them it's all bloody murder an' stuff."

"Women." The guys all nodded.

"So Quistis are you going to try out that polish you got to keep your whip in good condition?" Aeris asked putting her new black top in the bag.

Quistis nodded. "I'm going to use the one for the actual whip back at school but I might just do the handle here while we're waiting."

Quistis pulled out the polish then doing exactly what the man in the shop had shown her to do she began to rub it in between the creases to help waterproof it. What Quistis didn't know was that her ministrations to her whip handle had caused unwarranted amounts of attention from the male portion of the students.

While Quistis remained oblivious the rest of the girls didn't. "Perverts!"

Loz was quick to defend himself and the rest of the guys. "What? You can't put a show like that on in front of a group of guys and not expect them to react."

Just as it looked like a fight would break out Edie and Rinni came along to escort the students back to the bus. As they were going down the escalator they hit a problem… or rather the TWATS did.

Eiko looked confused. "I'm confused we're supposed to be going down but the moving stairs won't let me."

"I know what you mean. I get on the first step then BAM. I back here again." Rikku shook her head.

"Boohoo. Bad moving stairs. Boohoo." Selphie was wringing her hands.

Yuffie however was not giving up and tried again only to fail. "Oh my Gawd. It's impossible."

Rinoa looked worried but stopped once she realised that worried faces cause wrinkles. "What will we do? Squall, Squall, save me."

At Rinoa's shouts the rest of the school turned and looked at what the TWATS were up too. Once they realised exactly what was happening they couldn't stop laughing. Most were actually on the floor holding their stomachs with tears rolling down their cheeks.

"That is just…"

"HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"How do you get that mixed up…"

"What did they think…"

Edie who was herding the students from the back put her hand on Rikku and Yuffie's shoulders. "Girls this is the escalator for going up. The one next to it is for going down."

Comprehension dawned on the girls faces. "Ohhhhh."

* * *

Without further escalator related incidents Edie and Rinni managed to get all the students back to the school in one piece. The students who returned still laughing over the TWATS came back to find a very depressed and extremely drunk staff. Apparently Cid took no notice of all the protests and had spent the entire time in his underwear which had lead to the intoxication of the staff, who drank to help black out the image. Mario and Fabio however had managed to keep staff morale high with a rousing drunk rendition of "_I Will Survive._"

* * *

"Aeris! Hey Aeris, wake up!" Aeris came to and looked up into the bewildered faces of Tifa and Quistis. "What is it?" She sat up wincing as her joints stiffly obeyed her, despite the amount of sleep she had. She rubbed the back of her head blearily. 

Tifa pushed a tendril of hair off Aeris' brow. "We called you but you wouldn't wake up. Having a bad dream?" she asked with concern.

Aeris shook her head. "No, no not at all," she lied not wanting to worry her friend. "I'll be great as soon as class starts. Who wouldn't be in this place?" she added with mock glee. Tifa rolled her eyes to heaven and gave Aeris a playful punch in the shoulder.

Quistis threw Aeris her clothes careful not to look at the pink dress directly or she'd end up seeing bright pink spots for the rest of the day. "How's that cut on your shoulder Tif?" Quistis looked over to where Tifa was cataloguing Cloud, Tidus and Zell's acts of brainlessness according to how stupid they were. WAMRL took their job very seriously and members each had a natty leather binder with the groups name emblazoned across the front in gold lettering. Yuna, Aeris and Tifa actually took WAMRL more seriously than schoolwork.

"Which do you think is stupider: Cloud getting that damn spiky hair of his caught in his fly or Tidus putting both legs through one pants leg and wondering why he kept falling down?" Tifa continued sorting ignoring Quistis' question.

Quistis sighed, walked over and gave Tifa's bandaged left shoulder a squeeze. Tifa yelped. "I don't think it's all that good," Quistis said. In battle practice earlier that week Tifa was facing off against Kadaj. She was beating his skinny ass left, right and centre and Kadaj was reduced to throwing materia and lawnmower magazines at her having got his weapon stuck in the wall. As bad luck would have it she couldn't dodge one of the magazines and it sliced across her shoulder leaving a nasty paper cut. Furious, Tifa had kicked the teen in the crotch so hard that he had gone unconscious. He was still laid up in the infirmary, legs in the air and an icepack between his legs. Sephiroth, Loz and Yazoo were still laughing.

Tifa swung her shoulder around. "It's not that bad. Ow." She had refused to go to see Barret due to injured pride. "Just let me try and cast some Cure magic on it," Quistis pleaded. "It might get septic. You don't want to die from lawnmower-induced injuries. Besides it'll be a good chance to see how my magic is progressing." Tifa nodded and Quistis started waving her arms about like Goodgulf had taught them. "Cure!" A green light flashed. "Well?" Quistis asked.

Tifa didn't feel any better, she doubted that Quistis had even cast the right spell but she nodded anyway so as not to hurt her friend's feelings. "It's great. C'mon let's go. I think I might call in to the infirmary to see how Kadaj's doing." Quistis smiled and the girls trooped out.

* * *

In the infirmary the girls found Kadaj still in the same position but also a sedated Yazoo in the bed next to him. "What's wrong with him?" Aeris jerked a thumb at Yazoo. 

"He was laughing and making lewd jokes so much I had to calm him down." Barret turned from getting a fresh ice pack.

"Least you could have taken the needle out," Quistis said seeing a large feathered dart sticking out of Yazoo's neck. Barret had evidently shot him with his tranquillizer gun. As a nurse Barret had all the charm and bedside manner of a pit bull. The big man shrugged and dumped the ice pack on Kadaj who jerked awake at the cold.

"Eh, eh? Don't tell me I'm still here." He caught sight of Tifa and backed away on the bed in such a panic that he fell off. "Stay away from me you… bad, bad person you!"

Tifa picked him up with one hand and brushed him off. "Sorry 'bout ruining your chances of having children Kadaj," she said sheepishly.

Kadaj just shrugged. "Don't worry about it. Sephiroth said you've done the world a favour. Besides a little episode like this just goes to prove what a strong, virile guy I am. Not many people can survive a battle with you." He pulled a Mr. Universe pose. The girls sighed and backed away.

Barret was shaking Yazoo awake and foisted him off into Kadaj's arms. "You two are free to go. In case you're wondering the reason I had to keep you in so long Kadaj was I couldn't find one of your testicles." Barret opened a drawer and started rummaging unaware that Kadaj had frozen to the spot and was blinking his eyes so hard it looked like some sort of demented morse code.

"And then there was one," Yazoo smirked.

"And did you?" Kadaj managed to croak in between blinks.

"Yep. I eventually found it in your right lung." Barret gave the wide-eyed girls a wink and straightened holding a small tube of cream that he tossed to Yazoo who raised his eyebrows.

"Soft? That's one thing he doesn't need." Barret simply shrugged again and shooed them out the door.

In the hall Aeris, Tifa and Quistis dragged the brothers back to their room. "Soft!" Aeris laughed incredously, "that's his answer to everything."

"He'll make some woman very happy someday," Tifa added.

Quistis shifted her grip on Yazoo. "Okay guys, that's enough smut jokes for one day." They had reached the room and she knocked on the door. "But Sephiroth will definitely get a kick out of this."

"Please don't mention kick," Kadaj said weakly.

* * *

Meanwhile in the janitors hut… 

Denny wandered around the wreckage of the janitor's former hut trying to salvage something worthwhile. He was just having a wonderful dream about flying pork cutlets when suddenly Spiller had shook him awake and said the entire hut was going up in flames. "You mean there's a fire?" Denny had asked thinking the thick plume of smoke was just really bad fog. Inside and completely localized in their house. That was fifteen minutes ago. The SAEGF'S had rallied around to laugh and point, but eventually Cerberus needed to answer the call of nature and raising his leg had pissed the fire out.

Denny sighed a big sad sigh when he got sight of a familiar pair of legs beneath the rubble. His Betty Boop statue was destroyed. "So long Betty. We had some good times." Denny started crying realising that he'd never see Betty raising her skirts again.

Spiller came over and smacked him across the head. "You think you got it bad? Huh? My entire catalogue ofSAEGF swimsuit models is gone. Gone! So many blackmail photos gone… WASTED!" He leaned against Denny and sobbed. "I'll never see Ifrit in a bikini again! And after we spent all that time rebuilding the hut after that fat slob of a dragon landed on it. "

"It must have being one of the students casting a spell and misdirected it." Lyonal was busy scrubbing the janitors' toilet, which ironically was the only thing that wasn't char grilled. In times of trouble where quick thinking and wits were needed to limit the damage the janitors switched off their brains and did nothing. Hence why Lyonal was busy removing those stubborn toilet stains while the place smouldered around them.

"But who would want to get rid of us? We're the most popular guys at the school," Denny muttered, conveniently forgetting all the times the students had threatened to send them to the great toilet bowl in the sky.

"Beats me," Lyonal said. "But I think it was an accident. One of them probably meant to cast one thing but in actuality cast another." He stuck his head in trying to reach a particularly nasty stain.

Spiller narrowed his eyes. "Accident or no accident someone's gonna pay for this. If I don't get my Ramuh in speedos fix then things then things are gonna really ugly."

"You wanna go beat up Mario and Fabio?"

"Yes. Let's."

* * *

Later that day the students had alcohol induced psychobabble aka counseling. Solemnly trooping in expecting Reno and Rude to be face down on their desks in a puddle of drool they were more than surprised to see the duo clean and sober and sitting straight behind their desks. In fact they were more than surprised; they were astonished. 

"I'm astonished!" Ultimecia exclaimed.

"Why?" Reno asked with genuine interest. "We decided to do a proper days work today. We are Turks. We have faced inynumer…unimerable…" He struggled over the word 'innumerable'. "Look we faced a load of shit. But our high moral standards and fiber pulled us through. We take pride in our job and strive to fulfill it to the highest expectat…. Stop laughing you morons!" At Reno's little speech the students had started laughing hysterically, a few were rolling around the floor holding their stomachs. Reno's tale of derring-do and overcoming obstacles was evident to all as a total pack of lies. If the Turks had changed then they didn't change much. "Get up you cretins," Reno said sulkily giving those on the floor a few sly kicks.

Sephiroth stood up wiping tears from his eyes. "Listen I know the theme is 'Fantasy' around here but if you've gone to spinning tales make them a little more believable."

"Yeah I nearly lost my lunch."

"I think I swallowed a tooth," Amarant said.

"Kimahri wet self."

Rude took a swig from his emergency hip flask and glared at Sephiroth. "Shut up femboy. Or you'll find yourself in the same position that your kid brother found himself in." He motioned at Kadaj then wiped a hand across his clammy brow. This work lark was tougher than he thought. They had made their 'less drink, more work' pact at 2:00. It was now 2:05 and Rude was already getting tension headaches from the stress.

Sephiroth just looked Rude dead in the eye, or what he thought was; you never could tell with those glasses and smiled coldly.

"Right let's get this freak show on the road." Reno started rustling papers and motioned for the students to sit down. "Lots of stuff to get through today. Rude you wanna do the honours?" Reno turned to Rude who was by now perspiring heavily and taking more and more gulps from his flask. "Err on second thought I'll do it." He located a sheet and started reading from it.

"As part of your personal growth and all that crap the school wants you guys to set up and run a school newspaper."

"Huh?" Came the collective response.

Reno continued, "Just fill it with your everyday crap, you know…" He racked his brains "Recipes and crap like that. And all of ye have to participate in it, goes towards your end mark." Reno sat back pleased with himself. Rude meanwhile was slumped in his seat and there was a damp spot under his chair.

"So who's gonna do what?" Paine asked.

"That's up to you guys. Just elect an editor or whatever the hell it is a paper needs."

"Do you even know what a newspaper is?"

"Funny girl eh. Of course I know what a newspaper is. Without it I'd have no toilet paper. Look I'll make it simple for ye. Who're the students that run the library?"

Quistis slowly raised her hand. Loz gave Yazoo a dig in the ribs. Yazoo yelped and raised his hand. "Right," Reno rubbed his chin, "There's your editors. Those two geeks."

Quistis decided to ignore the geek comment, "What makes you think we're qualified? We could be illiterate for all you know." She gave Yazoo a pointed look.

"Well you work with books which have words in them. And so do newspapers. And newspapers are made of paper, so are books…"

"Alright, alright," Quistis raised a hand cutting him off, "We'll take the damn job." Out of the corner of her eye she could see Loz pulling Yazoo back and stopping him from strangling her. She could also see Sephiroth raising his eyebrows in mild surprise.

Reno leaned back and put his hands behind his head looking even more pleased with himself. "Okay then. Class dismissed. Start working on it straight away and send the draft up to Rinni by next week. She'll put it together."

The class filed out. Aeris seemed to think for a bit then stayed behind. "You can go on ahead," she called to Tifa and Quistis.

Tifa pursed her lips but then thought better of it. "Okay. Don't forget we've a WAMRL meeting, time to recruit more members."

"Don't look at me," Quistis waved her hands in front of her, "I'm destined to end up an old spinster. See ya Aeris."

Aeris watched her friends leave then suddenly realized she wasn't alone in the hall. "What are you here for Sephiroth?" She turned to the tall man who was lounging against the wall. "Planning to do away with Rude? Cid will kill you if you make a mess on the carpet."

Sephiroth gave a rueful smile. "Don't misunderstand me. I'm here to partake of the moron twin's service. They are after all counselors, or so the rumour goes. It's better than nothing."

"Are you drunk?" Aeris stood on tiptoe and peered at his face. "Ok so you're not drunk. What did you suddenly have a revelation? 'Oh my God I'm actually the totally insane offspring of an alien and a petri dish. I have to go and tell someone.'"

Sephiroth wrestled with the urge to kill the flower girl but a glance at her neon pink dress put him off. "Are you just stalling or do you want to go in?" He opened the door and made a doorman gesture waving her in. She gave him a quick angry glance before he closed the door. He shook his head. Damn it was happening again. On Aeris' midriff he saw a large X and the words 'Insert sword here.' And he was sure he saw it this time.

Reno and Rude nearly fell off their chairs when they saw Aeris come in and saw she had a problem to be dealt with. Well Rude was already off his chair, positively spasming at the prospect of more work. She was the second student to come to them in all the time they were counseling. The first one was currently facing the electric chair.

Reno had sufficiently gathered himself by the time Aeris had sat herself down. "Well what's the prob? Listen if it's any of those women problems Barret's more than qualified to handle them."

Aeris looked aghast at the prospect. "No. I've being having these really weird dreams lately. Like is any of this for real or not?"

Reno leaned forward in interest, "Go on Aeris."

"Well in this dream there's a giant tower and up on top of the tower there's six cows eating copies of the _National Enquirer_. Then they get sick six times and sing 'Say it now and say it loud, I'm a cow and I am proud.' Then a giant fat chocobo in a leather cat suit comes forward with a slip of paper and on the paper there's a poem that reads…" Aeris collected herself and continued "'You are the last Cetra, your work here is done. Sephiroth stabs you through the gut at the end of disk one.'" She looked at Reno who was flicking through his dream book. "Well, what's it say?"

Reno fixed her with a bloodshot eye. This work business was taking its toll. "According to the dream book it might a the manifetis…manitest.." Reno's speech was failing him as he went longer without a drink.

"Manifestation," Aeris prompted.

"Yeah whatever you call it. It might show a hidden desire. You don't fancy Sephiroth do you?"

Aeris started laughing madly. _"Him? _Hell no, I'd rather die. He's all the charm of a doorknob." From outside the door there came the sound of choking and hissing.

"Fair enough," Reno said and looked in the book again. "Uh bad omens," and a shadow seemed to pass over his face. "I would tell you more but a shadow seems to have passed over my face."

Aeris gathered her things and stood up. "Thanks for all your help," she said sarcastically.

"Anytime darling. See you at the morgue," he whispered under his breath.

At the door Aeris turned. "You might want to know that Sephiroth is waiting outside as well."

"Two students in one day." Reno whistled, picked up the phone and dialed '666'. "Better tell Vincent to have a few triple whiskeys ready." From the floor Rude started another round of fits realizing that the nightmare wasn't over yet.

Outside Reno and Rude's office Aeris was surprised to see that Sephiroth was gone. Shrugging this off she knelt down to retie her shoelace. Suddenly Sephiroth dropped down from the stairs overhead with Masamune drawn. Aeris heard him coming and rolled out of the way and kicked out with her feet catching him squarely on the jaw as he landed. "Ow!"

"What the hell do you think you're doing you twit!" She got to her feet and started slapping him around the head. "Did you really think I was gonna fall for that! Jerk!"

"Ow! I…ow… just couldn't…ow… resist…ow."

"Couldn't resist huh! Well resist this!" Furious Aeris aimed a well-placed kick at his groin and stormed off. Unlike Kuja Sephiroth did flinch. A lot.

"Auuuuuuu…Owwwwwwwwww!" Aeris stormed off with a thundercloud over her head leaving her would-be assassin rolling around the floor in agony.

"_At this rate I'm never going to have any grandchildren," _came Jenova's voice.

* * *

The next day Quistis was making her way towards the library to start on the newspaper with Yazoo. She was just after finishing an eventful 'Battle Basics' class. Today they were doing limit breaks and the students had managed to break every window in the classroom and leave scorch marks on the floor. Angelo was now in a full body cast after going flying into a wall at high velocity when Rinoa was trying 'Angelo Cannon'. The first time the dog went through one of the windows and landed in one of Aeris and Yuna's newly replanted flowerbeds. Lulu caused a total black out when her 'Thundaga Fury' went haywire. A few students were now sporting Cloud like hairstyles. And finally when Selphie was trying out her Limit 'The End' she made Nooj, Amarant and Vivi disappear. They still hadn't turned up but Cid gave an optimistic pep talk before getting on the phone to order some more body bags. All in all it had being an eventful day. 

When Quistis reached the library Yazoo was trying to compile the mountain of books that were still buried under layers of dust. "I don't now why we bother," he grumbled to her. "It's not like anyone uses the library."

"Well maybe we can put in a piece about the library in the newspaper. Give it a bit of advertising."

"Yeah okay. And we received some videos as well for the video library so we can throw in a bit about that as well." He opened up a cardboard box full of videos and started rifling through them.

"What titles are there? I'm almost afraid to ask." Quistis peered into the box and caught sight of a well worn copy of 'Naughty Stewardesses.'

"There's 'Snow White and the Seven Samurai', 'When Harry Wet Sally', 'Die Hard: Natural Causes', 'My Dinner with the Grinch,' 'The Lion, the Witch and the Self assembly Wardrobe,' 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Malfunction,' 'Edward Scissorhands: The worst Gynecologist ever' and a selection of Reno, Rude's and Vincent's home videos." Yazoo put them carefully back into the box, keeping the home videos for himself. There'll be time for blackmail later. Then he pulled a sheet of paper out from under the counter and rolled Quistis a pencil. "So any ideas?"

Quistis shook her head, "Not a clue."

"We're doomed. Sure we've seen everything in this dump. Any other news we come up with will be tame in comparison."

"We can't do all of this by ourselves. The best way is to put a suggestion box on the counter and ask people to contribute it."

"Good idea but just in case you haven't noticed this place is more deserted than a clown's funeral. We could be naked behind the counter and nobody would be none the wiser." Yazoo gave Quistis a sidelong glance.

She slapped him and cracked her whip at the ground. "You've being practicing," Yazoo observed with more interest then was necessary.

"Focus Yaz. I don't want my mark for this to suffer because of your libido." She waved a finger under his nose. "Fine we'll put the suggestion box down where everybody spends most of their time."

"In Cid's office?"

"No the Crypt."

"Can't wait to see what sort of suggestions they come up with when they're blotto."

* * *

They headed down to the Crypt, where Auron frisked them and found Reno and Rude in a stupor against the bar. Vincent was polishing glasses as usual and making Tifa and Lulu stack the higher shelves as usual. "I was worrying about those two." He nodded at Reno and Rude. "With their new found work ethic I was going to lose a major amount of business. In the half hour they were working business was down 100." Vincent patted Rude's head like one might pet a dog. "Here's a drink on the house." 

"Wat ou shay Vin?" Reno slurred.

"Nothing. Get your head back down on that counter."

Yazoo held out a chair for Quistis and they sat down. "Can I have a mineral water Lulu?"

"We don't serve mineral water Quistis. But there's some water in the mop bucket if you're thirsty." Lulu gave a wicked grin.

"Thanks but I think I'll pass. Hey Vincent you don't mind if we put a suggestion box down here for the school newspaper?" Yazoo put the box on the counter.

Vincent nodded. "Go nuts. Here I'll be the first to make a suggestion." He tore off some wallpaper and scribbled something before dropping it into the box. "There."

Yazoo opened up the box and withdrew the slip. "Okay your suggestion is 'More female help for the bar.' Eh Vin I think you misunderstood…"

Meanwhile Tifa and Lulu were converging on the undead pervert. Vincent jumped theatrically up onto the bar, knocking Reno off the counter with his pointy shoes. He wrapped his cape Dracula style around himself. "I shall now vanish like a thief in the night! So long suckers!" He leapt off into space and whacked his head off a low beam. The group stared after him as he stumbled up the corridor tripping over the gnomes. Several curse words floated back to them.

"And I used to think he was cool," Yazoo sighed.

At that moment Sephiroth came in, still hobbling like a ham actor playing _Richard III._ He tried to straighten up and act nonchalant when he saw Quistis and Yazoo at the bar. "So…how's…the newspaper going?" he puffed and propped himself painfully by the counter. "Can I have a Vincent Special? And don't skimp on the arsenic or whatever it is you put into it. Ow."

Quistis felt sorry for him until she realized that he tried to kill Aeris. "Why did you try to kill Aeris?" she demanded.

Sephiroth gratefully accepted the drink Tifa handed him and downed it in one before turning to Quistis. "Oh bitch bitch bitch. The way you guys are acting you'd think I'd actually managed to kill her." He pointed to his empty glass and Lulu started mixing and shaking. Sephiroth and Yazoo enjoyed the spectacle.

Quistis was so spitting mad her glasses had steamed up. She spun Sephiroth around on the bar stool and shoved a forefinger in his face. "Listen you egotistical bastard if I catch you talking about any of my friends like that or trying to kill them I'll turn your nether regions into a pair of earrings. Alright? I always wanted a pair of tiny studs." She took a breath and calmed herself, thinking she had gone too far. And that he was going to go ballistic. But she was sick of Sephiroth pushing everyone around. Somebody had to say it sooner or later.

Instead of getting mad Sephiroth stared at her unblinkingly for a few heartbeats before smiling widely at her. Quistis nearly expired on the spot, from relief and surprise. It was just so unexpected. She felt uncomfortable under his gaze and almost wished he'd go bananas. Though she didn't want to admit it but he frightened her slightly. Only slightly.

Sephiroth gazed at Quistis for a few more seconds and wondered why she looked so spooked. He wondered if she was scared of him. At first he was taken aback by her outburst, it was so unexpected. He knew she was prone to speaking her mind, she had stood up to him on a number of occasions but she had never teared into him like she had just done. She had embarrassed him in front of an audience and had made him feel like a naughty schoolboy being reprimanded by the teacher. Though, Sephiroth had to admit, he didn't wholly dislike the feeling. So why hadn't he gotten mad? Shaking his head he turned away to find Yazoo, Lulu and Tifa looking at them. Lulu had a faint smile on her face, Tifa was looking at Quistis with a mixture of horror and fascination and Yazoo was staring at Sephiroth with the strangest expression. "I'll have that drink now Lulu."

Quistis wondered what the hell had just happened there but decided it wasn't worth worrying about. She didn't like the knowing winks Lulu was throwing her way either. She stood up, "I'm gonna head off. See you later Tifa, bye guys."

"Catch you later Quistis."

* * *

"C'mon Aeris hurry up. Some of us seriously need to use the bathroom." Quistis began to hop in place as the urge to pee got stronger. 

The door opened and Quistis nearly cried in relief. "Oh finally I was about to…" Ouistis' sentence trailed off as Aeris, Tifa and Yuna walked out.

"Sorry we took so long Quistis… Quistis… Hello… Quistis…Is she ok?" Tifa frantically waved her hand in front of Quistis' face.

"Quistis." Yuna poked Quistis and this seemed to shake her out of the trance she was in.

"What… why… you… what… huh?"

"Could say the same thing back to you hun?

"What on earth are you three wearing?" Quistis stared at all three who were dressed rather differently than normal. Tifa had a mini-skirt and a tight shirt on, Aeris had a tube top and low-slung hipsters and Yuna had a mini-skirt and a corset top on. Each girl had smoky-eye make-up and bright red lipstick on. Their push-up bras were working overtime, not that Tifa needed any extra help. They then began to act all flirtatious, giggling and flipping their hair. They had turned into the TWATS. In short they were every feminist's worst nightmare.

Quistis was stunned. "Why? Why?"

Aeris put her arm around Quistis' shoulders and explained that this was WARML's latest plan in getting Cloud and Tidus' attention. Quistis could only look on helplessly as the girls' strolled out of the room and into the boys'. Deciding that this was something she could do without seeing, as neither Tidus nor Cloud would even notice she continued with her morning routine and headed to the bathroom. It was just as she finished her shower she heard the screaming. Throwing on her towel she ran towards the boys' room and prayed that the girls were at least still clothed.

She found all three girls in the middle of the room holding various pieces of furniture and battering most of the male population of the school, even Vincent, Reno, Rude and the three janitors were there. All of them seemed to be guarding their cameras with their lives. Cloud, Tidus and Zell were building a fort between Cloud and Zell's beds seemingly oblivious to the chaos in their room. Quistis wandered over to Lulu. "What happened? I heard screaming."

Lulu chuckled. "That. Well that was those three after all of them," Lulu gestured to the cowering males, "began taking photos of them." Seeing that Quistis was still confused she elaborated. "Well they came in here and started flirting outrageously with the stupid twins over there, you know pouting, giggling, hair-flipping and posing artfully around the room chests stuck out… that sort of thing when the TWATS walked by. The TWATS continued talking about how pretty their clothes were as they continued down the hall, except that the clothes needed more glitter…"

"… Naturally…" Quistis muttered.

"…Anyway, they happen to pass all the guys rooms still talking about the clothes. So the guys being as hormonally driven as they are grabbed their cameras and headed this way and then the girls saw red."

"Oh. Right. Well, I'm just going to go back to get dressed…" Quistis never finished her sentence as the minute she said dressed all the guys turned to her wearing just her towel, which wasn't very long as she generally never made a habit of walking around in it. Like a deer in headlights she froze when all eyes turned to her. Everything slowed down. Tifa, Aeris, Yuna and Lulu all seemed to mouth something at her but it was too slow for her to understand. That was when the first flash went off. Blinded by all the flashes Quistis could do nothing. Suddenly she was pulled out of the room and managed to keep a hold of her towel, the last thing she wanted to do was give a free show to anyone. She was pushed into her rooms by her rescuers, she could do nothing but stare at Yazoo and Sephiroth as they stood waiting for her to talk, or even blink.

"Uh… thanks."

Yazoo winked. "Anytime gorgeous. Feel free to wear that towel to work whenever." With those words he ran out of the room to help Loz pull Kadaj out of the mass of male bodies who were taking photos.

Quistis stood awkwardly in her room, painfully aware of the fact that she was clad in only a towel, while Sephiroth stared at her. She blushed. "Uh.. hmm… uh… again thanks."

Sephiroth stood there until she managed to look into his eyes. Once she did he just lifted his eyebrow and smirked at her. "No problem." Then he turned and walked out.

She winced when she realised how stupid she must look and then blushed twice as hard when she thought of how many cameras were in the room. Quistis sighed knowing that someway Yazoo would make sure that photos of all the girls would 'mysteriously' find there way into the paper.

* * *

Sure enough Yazoo has set aside seven pages of the paper devoted to show-casing amateur photos by students and staff alike. The section was to be called "Peepers." Quistis couldn't think of a more appropriate title for all the budding photographers in the school.

* * *

**A/N:** Update as Selphie would say "Woohoo!" Alright three days late but better late than never. Blame RealtF. 

**RealtF:** Hey!... Fine... Sorry.

_**Please Read and Review.**_


	13. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Disclaimer: Insert own witty disclaimer here.

LadyG: Do not adjust your computer screen. We have actually updated. And in other news flying pigs have been spotted in the sky.

RealtF: Sorry about the big delay. Who thought they expected you to work in your last year in college? That and the fact a certain co-author decided to piss off to the other side of the world before the ink was even dry on her degree.

LadyG: Hey it's not just my fault you were busy too. And can I say the Aussie beefcake is great. Anyways sorry again, we feel bad but hopefully this helping of fanfiction tripe, I mean well-written profound prose will make up for it.

RealtF:……….

LadyG: She can't hit me where I am. : )

RealtF: I'll find a way (insert intense glare)

**

* * *

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Chapter 13: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

* * *

Quistis jumped then groaned as she realised what Aeris had just dropped in front of her. For the first edition the newspaper was a resounding success, no doubt in thanks to the amateur photographers' section 'Peepers.' Quistis was not alone in her hatred of the section. Aeris, Yuna and Tifa all featured heavily in there too. While their poses were much more provocative it's the sheer lack of clothing that made Quistis the centrefold.

Even worse than the complete look of stupefied amazement on her face in the pictures were the catcalls and shouts of 'Where's your towel?' and 'Why so overdressed?' everywhere she went. After warming the backsides of the first couple of offenders with her whip Quistis eventually decided to follow Aeris' advice and just ignore them. Amazingly it seemed to work. The boys were now just giving her sidelong lecherous glances rather than full-blown ogling.

"As of now we are Vincent's new calendar." Aeris jerked her thumb towards the bar where laminated copies of their photos replaced whatever scantily clad babe that was previously there.

Tifa sighed and held up her hand, "Before you start Quist, I know your photos are bad because you're in a towel but spare a thought for us and the amount of cleavage and crotch shots that were taken before we started hurting people."

"They're… worse… for…me…," At the other's looks Yuna continued. "Mini-skirt…"

"Oh yeah."

"That is bad."

"You win."

Lulu placed what amounted to a liver overdose of drinks in front of the girls but in the Crypt it translated to at least three rounds. "From the perverts… eh, everywhere." Her gesture encompassed the entire bar but paused at Tidus, Cloud and Zell, "Except them… for obvious reasons."

The girls grimaced but grabbed the drinks and put full use to the phrase "Waste not, Want Not." After a few hours the only thing Quistis and Tifa wanted was to crawl into bed with a bag of frozen peas on their foreheads. Aeris was in the bathroom with Yuna whose stomach contents were currently making best friends with the toilet. "You'd dink we wud 'ave built up a ya know, tolerance to dis shtuff," Tifa slurred and pointed to what she thought was Quistis' glass but was actually Lulu's cleavage which was wiping the bar counter down every time she leaned over.

"Don't snow…show weakness in front…of…dem," Quistis mumbled and nodded in the direction of the boys. She suddenly lurched backwards and landed face first into a load of polished leather and Vaseline. "Easy Quistis," Sephiroth said while prying her off the front of his jacket and wiping it down with Tifa's ponytail. "There must be something in the air. Women are throwing themselves at me." He smirked and propped her against the bar using an umbrella to keep her upright.

"Oh please Sephiroth," Lulu said. "Beatrix would go for anything with teeth and a pulse and she," Lulu pointed at Quistis who was slowly coming to and talking to the umbrella, "was under the influence. So don't flatter yourself." She poured him a drink and added as an afterthought, "Unless you're talking about the Queen Bees over there."

Sephiroth knew who she was referring to but turned anyway to find Mario and Fabio sipping their drinks in what they thought was a sexy come-hither way but translated as psycho stalker to Sephiroth. Fabio caught his eye and gave him a look that he usually reserved for hair products. Sephiroth shuddered and turned back to Lulu who was trying very hard not to laugh. Not because she thought she'd hurt his feelings but that she'd pop out of her dress.

Kadaj hobbled up and hit his older brother in the back. "Why is it every time we send you up to get drinks it takes you so long that we would have being faster making them ourselves?" he hissed before knocking a prostrate Auron off the stool and painfully lowering himself onto it. He was still hurting from Tifa's attack on his manhood and took every opportunity to stop the pain by stopping all conscience thought, which wasn't too much trouble in the first place. That is, downing enough suspicious alcohol to ensure that even if he was in working order it wouldn't have worked anyway. But the worst side effect was that he couldn't drive the school's lawn mowers. This was good news for everyone as he had taking to joyriding around the gardens on one. With a blistering top speed of 5mph even the Turks had trouble keeping walking pace behind him. Cid had stopped him eventually by taking a pot shot at the crackpot with his pellet gun.

Sephiroth gave the younger man a grim smile. "I was just flirting with Lulu."

Lulu gave a snort of derisive laughter and quickly restrained herself as her chest was making a break for freedom. "If that's your flirting technique I'd hate to see you in other….areas." Lulu lowered her voice and shook her head. "Listen Sephy," she continued ignoring his angry glance, "you've about as much chance with me as…oh let's see…Bread mould. But for quite possibly the worst come-on I've ever experienced you can have a free drink." She placed a measure of clear liquid in front of him.

"Thanks. I'm flattered." He raised the glass to her and downed it in one. "Hey this is water."

"Well I didn't say what sort of free drink it was did I?" Lulu retorted.

"Cow," Sephiroth muttered. Kadaj at this stage had thrown himself theatrically across the bar, "Oh the pain. Oh woe is me. Oh I think they're swelling again. They were the size of cantaloupes last night."

"Does the world need a crotch update from you every minute?" Sephiroth gave a disgusted sigh.

"I like melons," said a muffled voice. Quistis was no longer talking to the umbrella and was now smiling lopsidedly at Kadaj. Tifa it seemed had disappeared into the bathroom having evidently also felt the need to hug the toilet. "Sorry about drooling all over the front of your bondage gear," she said.

Sephiroth wrinkled his nose but said, "Never mind. Actually I quite liked that look of terror you had on your face in the newspaper photo."

"Oh shut up. And tell that jerk of a brother that he'll be doing the newspaper on his own from now on." She pointed what was evidently supposed to be a threatening finger in front of his face but just succeeded in nearly ramming it up his nostril.

Sephiroth waved her hand away. "Well judging from your current state I'd say it's quite likely to happen."

Quistis tried to give him an angry look but merely ended up looking constipated. She drew herself up to her full height and brushed her hair out of her eyes. "I'll have you know I'm in full command of my…..er…self." With that she turned on her heel indignantly, took a step, fell over nothing and ended up spread eagled on the Crypt's floor.

Kadaj blinked in surprise and Sephiroth gave a low chuckle.

"Quistis you alright?" Lulu asked in concern.

"Zzzz….zzzz…Zzz….Zzzzz."

"She's fine." Sephiroth delicately stepped over her and rejoined Yazoo and Loz while Kadaj struck up an animated conversation with the umbrella. Lulu raised her eyes to heaven at the stupidity of it all and continued polishing glasses.

Vincent suddenly materialised out of nowhere and sidled up to her. "Hey Lulu. How do you rate my chances?"

When he came to Vincent was not all that surprised to find himself trussed like a prize hog and hanging by his feet from a tree while a number of savage looking spear-wielding Mogs below him discussed the benefits parboiling.

* * *

Cid nervously eyed a highly excited Rinni through a screen of smoke. Just five minutes earlier she had burst into his office her already slightly protruding eyes bulging and babbling incoherently about some 'great idea'. She plonked herself in the seat in front of the plastic coffee table that served as his desk, where she still remained bouncing up and down like there was a tack on her seat.

Cid ignored her until he had finished his cigarette and clipped his toenails through the holes in his socks. Two things ran or rather walked through his mind while he squinted at the young woman. Firstly this 'great idea' was either going to be great for him and bad for the students or, in his experience was going to reduce the school to a pile of smoking rubble. Also Mouldy was the last person or thing to come up with any workable idea and since he didn't have a brain and was mostly made up of reconstituted saliva Cid didn't hold out much hope for this one to be any better.

Secondly whatever Rinni was on, he wanted some. Even Lesley's Prozac didn't produce this effect. Removing his creaking feet and knees from the tabletop Cid leaned back and took a drag that sucked his eyeballs back into his sockets.

"I've never seen ye so depressed Rinni," he said sarcastically.

"I've a great idea Cid," she started not getting the jibe, "well it's Mario's idea really but I helped him a bit and well he would have told you himself but he was busy with his fitness class. It's really weird. Called Underwater SpinDo and…"

Cid held up a callused hand cutting off Rinni who was turning blue from talking so fast and forgetting to breathe. "Underwater SpinDo?"

"Yeah well. It's spinning, you know on bikes combined with Tae Kwon Do and it's underwater."

"…………….I see. It is Mario we're talking about so…"

"My, well our idea," Rinni ploughed on while Cid gave an exasperated sigh, "is that we give the students a fun day, the sort of day where they can let their unnaturally styled hair down. We can have it in the hall." She gave Cid a dreamy eyed smile.

"They already have a fun day. It's everyday and it's down in the Crypt."

"But they've been working so hard…"

"Yeah, memorising the tiles on the Crypt's floor," Cid muttered.

"…and it'll be good for the teachers too." Rinni leaned forward and waggled her eyebrows for emphasis.

Cid pondered on that thought. True, it would be good to get away from his exhausting duties as Principal for a while. And the students had pulled their weight during the term learning valuable lessons in doing so. Lulu had increased her magic accuracy so that only five pupils ended up in hospital instead of the usual eight. Zidane, having his head jammed into so many tree trunks as a result that of his usual perving learned to differentiate between various trees just by feeling the bark. Aeris had learned Martial Arts from Tifa to defend herself from Sephiroth's increasing and fairly lame assassination attempts. And Sephiroth in turn was becoming adept at avoiding his quarry's kicks and punches. What he didn't learn however was that when leaping down from a height the element of surprise was lost due to the noise his leather trench coat made on the descent. At this rate Cid thought Sephiroth would end up impaling himself on his own sword. Rinni's waving hand in front of his face interrupted this image.

"Okay, sounds good," Cid said while Rinni gave a squeal of delight. "But what sort of events will you be having? Will there be a rifle range? Preferably using Reno and Rude as moving targets?" He got out Bob the pellet gun in anticipation.

"Yeah, there'll be loads of stuff going on. We're thinking of a carnival theme. The Janitors will be setting up a stall… No don't frown. Reno and Rude will bring out their dance mat."

"Gee how can anyone resist that?"

"But the thing that'll be the most popular will be the Speed-Dating." Rinni's eyes took on an even unhealthier gleam at this little announcement. Cid nearly inhaled his cigarette and accidentally shot off a round which zoomed out the window and hit an unfortunate Kadaj in the groin while he was washing the lawnmower.

"Owwwwwwwww! Just bloody great, now they're going to be the size of-" Kadaj's cries were cut off as Cid closed the window.

"Ye wanna run that by me again? Speed-Dating?"

Rinni nodded her head. "Yep. And just you wait. It's going to be great, well least I hope it will…"

Cid stood for agape for a few minutes but the falling ash from his cigarette landing on the table top and making the rude letter he got from the bank smoulder brought him to. "Most of them can't stand being within shooting range of each other, a few would start a fight in an empty room and the rest only realised the differences between guys and girls recently and you wanna set them up with each other?" Cid's hand was already moving towards the phone to warn the cemetery of the possible incoming influx.

"Don't worry. Though it's only ten minutes a date it's more than enough time for true love to blossom. It happened to me…." Rinni tailed off looking beyond Cid with misty eyes.

Cid raised an eyebrow and backed away a bit. "So the reason ye've been acting like ye've inhaled too much happy gas is because ye got yourself a boyfriend?" Cid's plan of marketing whatever drug he thought Rinni was on vanished. "Er okay."

"Yeah," Rinni said in a dreamy voice. "He actually ran me down with a bus but he was really nice about it and visited me in hospital and it just took off from there!" She laughed girlishly and pulled out a photo from her pocket. "Isn't he a hunk?"

Cid leaned forward and looked at the photo of what he took to be a slightly less hairier than average Ewok with what looked like his hand on an ecstatic looking Rinni's shoulder. _"It's at the end of his arm, it has to be a hand,"_ Cid thought but he gave a tight smile and said, "Hope he doesn't shed too much on the sofa."

"What? But anyways I want to share this feeling with all the kids." She waved her arms wide. "Plus Mario thinks he's in with a good chance with Sephiroth. You have him to thank for the Speed-Dating idea."

"I'll make sure I do," Cid muttered grimly.

* * *

While the girls wallowed in the misery of their new found infamy Yazoo was delighted by all the attention and new film rolls, some of which were bizarrely of SAEGFs in swimwear… he would never get the image of Ramuh in Speedos out of his head ever. He decided to give those negatives to the janitors; he had a strange feeling they would appreciate them. He placed them carefully away under the library counter in a box marked 'Share and Stock Reports' (as nobody would possibly look in there). Taking out a pencil Yazoo turned his attention to the matter of the next edition of the newspaper. 'Peepers' was a runaway success but the chances of any of the girls wanting to be the centrefold again was slim. Kuja said he'd be happy to fill in. Yazoo said he'd consider it but privately thought that in a pinch Kuja and possibly Ms Alex in a variety of wigs would be just as good.

He looked up at a noise at the door to find a very green looking Quistis supporting herself against the jamb. "I knew you'd come crawling back," Yazoo said as Quistis started doing just that still suffering from the fall to the floor in the Crypt and the mother, father and entire extended family of all hangovers.

"Don't say a word. I'm only back to get the credit on the newspaper." She hefted herself up on the counter slowly and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. "Oh, I feel like you look."

"Har har." Yazoo led Quistis around the counter and deposited her in a chair. "Well now that you're back we can get on with the newspaper. Any ideas? After all you're the brains of the operation." At her blank look he continued, "Without you it wouldn't be the success that it is. You hardly think that they read it for 'Kadaj's Lawnmower Korner'? If you hadn't taken that stroll in that facecloth posing as a towel…Well you get the idea." He backed away as Quistis was reaching for his neck.

"Don't you ever mention that again." Quistis sighed heavily. "What do we have?" She gestured towards the slim pile of scribbled notes.

"Well," Yazoo began and picked up one sheet with a dubious look on his face. "The TWATS submitted something."

"I'm afraid to ask."

"Let's just say they spelt 'OMG' wrong. Yeah it's that bad." Yazoo raised his eyebrows and threw the offending article into the wastebasket. Quistis tried casting Firaga on it. Nothing happened. "I can't understand what I'm doing wrong," she sighed while out the window the janitors could be seen trying to put out the sudden blaze that had engulfed their newly rebuilt hut.

"Let's leave the thinking for a while and finish writing the Horoscopes." Yazoo chewed on the pencil for a bit then said, "How about 'You will come into some money on Tuesday. But be careful on Friday as you will die a horrible painful death' for Aquarius?"

"Yeah okay," said Quistis still staring at the wastebasket, "No wait no. That's a horrible prediction and besides it's Aeris' star sign."

"Then it might actually come true if Sephiroth has his way," Yazoo said then jumped as his co-worker gave a peal of hysterical laughter.

"Sephiroth? I doubt it." Quistis stopped laughing and doubled over clutching her stomach. "Ow I shouldn't have laughed. It feels like my liver is going to jump out and start beating me."

"Serves you right for belittling the Great Sephiroth's people killing ability," came Loz's mocking voice. He came in carrying a number of posters. A sulky Sephiroth, Cloud, Tidus, Zell and Lulu followed.

Yazoo's eyes were out on stalks, "Are you coming into borrow books? You mean we have customers? You serve them Quis, I'm hyper ventilating." He started fanning himself dramatically.

"These pin heads are just lost and started following me," Sephiroth said and pointed to Cloud, Tidus and Zell, "but since they're here I'm sure you can find them some nice picture books. And Free Drink Lulu is here to make sure poor little you is alright after your trip to the floor." He pulled a patronising face.

Quistis narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms, "And what are you here for? We don't stock any books on how to assassinate defenceless flower girls."

Loz glanced up from where he was pinning a poster to the entrance of the library. "I wouldn't say defenceless. She gave Seph a pretty bad…"

"Shut up Loz," Sephiroth hissed out of the side of his mouth then leaned on the counter and smiled icily up at Quistis. She ignored him and addressed Lulu, "I'm fine Lu. No thanks to you," she said throwing Sephiroth an equally chilly smile.

Lulu gave a short laugh, "Glad to hear it. Watch where you're wavering that thing around! Stupid himbo." She dodged the Buster Sword which Cloud was swinging over his head. He shrugged and replaced it on his back.

"Just practising my victory pose." Cloud paused a minute thinking and it looked painful. "Ooops. Guess I shouldn't do it in the middle of a group of people," he finally said happily.

Everybody except Zell and Tidus who were moving their lips while reading the 'Cat in the Hat' gave a resigned sigh. "You can't even handle that thing right," Sephiroth said nastily. "I however have mastered Masamune!" With a flourish he unsheathed the sword and swept it over his shoulder splitting a pot plant five feet away in half.

Loz rolled his eyes at the others. "What that little old plant ever do to you?" Yazoo asked.

Lulu was eyeing Masamune. "Why does it even have to be that long?" she sneered.

"Women wouldn't understand it," the silver-haired man waved his hand airily as if such questions were beneath him, "And only a master swordsman can handle a sword like this." Sephiroth looked down his nose at the two girls who were laughing silently behind their hands and Cloud who had taken out the Buster Sword again and was gazing at it as if the mysteries of the universe were going to materialise on the blade.

"Oh please," Quistis said sternly, "everybody knows that swords are just penis substitutes anyways."

She arched an eyebrow at Sephiroth who was spluttering but recovered enough to sneer, "You'd know all about them wouldn't you? Got a whole drawer of them up in your room I bet."

"Children, children please," Lulu interrupted before Quistis could hop over the counter, "I see I'll have to hide all the sharp implements when we go to lunch."

"You can start with Quistis' tongue," Sephiroth said. Quistis bit back her own nasty retort at Lulu's inquiring look and settled for turning her back on Sephiroth's self-satisfied smirk. The man was so infuriatingly annoying and always got on her nerves when in close proximity. Though on reflection she had to admit she enjoyed their verbal jousting.

Sephiroth for his part was subtly casting glances at her back and wondering why exactly he was putting up with her insults. He hadn't taken too much notice of her for the first few weeks; she was just Aeris and Tifa's bossy, waspish, quick-tempered friend. But it was this attitude and the fact that she blatantly loathed him that Sephiroth found intriguing. Of course plenty of people loathed him but hardly any had made it so obvious and told him that yes, he was in fact a total bastard quite so frequently. And by Odin's flares he hated her too, however in retrospect he couldn't help but want to get to know her better.

"It's shameless the way you two flirt," Yazoo said while writing the Horoscopes unaware that before the sentence was out of his mouth both Quistis and Sephiroth were shooting daggers at him. Lulu who was watching both of them closely decided it was time to defuse the situation before it combusted. "Say, Loz what's the poster about?"

Loz looked up from where he was still trying to pin it up. "It's about the school funday."

"Sounds fun," Zell said.

"That's the point pea brain. And it also mentions the Speed-Dating….you know…procedures." At this Yazoo, Lulu, Sephiroth and Quistis all shouted "Speed-Dating?!" in horrified voices.

"What is it?" Tidus asked.

"It's where you flick the calendar so all the dates go past really fast," Cloud said knowledgably.

"Yes, that's it exactly," Yazoo said shooting the others a wink. "You'll finally be able to get a date Loz."

"Everyone will, according to this," Quistis said quietly while reading the poster.

"Lucky you. Because not even the tide would take you out," Sephiroth said before he could help himself.

Quistis planted her hands on the counter and took a breath, "Hah. What about you? You'll be able to talk to a girl across a table in a setting other than a police station. And I'm sure Beatrix is positively foaming at the mouth at the prospect." She smiled smugly at the look on his face, evidently he hadn't thought of Beatrix either.

Yazoo laughed, "Oh you're in trouble now. Thirty-seconds is more than enough time for her to have her wicked way with you."

"And don't forget Mario and Fabio," Loz added enjoying his brother's stunned silence, "They might try to drag you into the Tunnel of Love or something."

THUMP!

Loz chuckled. "You'd faint too if you were him and were left alone with either Mario or Fabio."

"Huh!?! Why's he on the floor? What is it? Let me see." Zell proceeded to throw himself face first on the floor trying to find what Sephiroth was looking at. Tidus and Cloud thought that it looked fun and joined in.

Everyone could only stare.

"Unbelievable…" Quistis looked baffled at the three blondes. "I didn't think it was possible for them to get any more stupid and now I owe Tifa a tenner. Blondes really are dumb."

Loz quirked an eyebrow at her, "Eh, you're blonde…"

"So are you."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"AM NOT. SHUT UP!"

"ARE TOO YOU BABY!"

"I'M PLATINUM…"

"BLONDE. PLATINUM BLONDE! FABIO MADE ME READ HIS STYLE SHEET ONCE."

"Ughhh."

Yazoo glanced at Sephiroth. "Oh yeah, fainted."

"So what are we meant to be seeing here?" Tidus patiently looked at Sephiroth.

"Never mind them, here." Sephiroth hauled himself upright with the hand Loz gave him, only to have Yazoo thrust his face right into his own, which when you're seeing quadruple isn't fun.

Everyone else however had the pleasure of viewing Sephiroth's multiple eye twitches as he tried to get the four Yazoos to turn into one without much success.

"Hehehe that looks like fun." Tidus decided that Sephiroth was the best person to go to for new games and soon those three had again joined in.

Lulu just shook her head. "Only in this asylum… so are you ok? You're not planning on joining the nursery here are you?"

"Not likely."

Yazoo having finished his intense search of his brother's face pulled back and sighed sadly. "I was hoping that you managed to push your nose back into your face but apart for some bruising and a bit of swelling you're relatively unscathed."

"The brotherly love and support I've not been experiencing here is astounding." Sephiroth tried to glare but ended up squinting in what he hoped was Yazoo's direction he wasn't sure, all four of his younger brother were spinning and he thought he could hear one of them belting out a Britney Spears' song or two but he figured that was the concussion talking or in this case singing.

Loz just laughed. "You have met what constitutes as our 'parents' right, and yes I mean all three. The megalomaniac scientist tyrant, the alien hell bent on being worshipped as a god and then there's Lucy."

Sephiroth sighed and would have nodded but that would have hurt him more. "When you put it like that…"

"I'd say we didn't turn out half as bad, I miss Lucy though."

Lulu and Quistis just stared at the three brothers until Lulu's curiosity got the better of her. "Who's Lucy?"

"Lucy is ..."

Just as Loz would have answered the question the three janitors burst in dragging an extremely irate Goodgulf and stormed up to the counter. Quistis just pointed to the right. "Toilet's that way."

"Oh thanks." Denny was yanked back by the collar of his jumpsuit. Spiller smiled tightly at her. "Just the Wicked Witch of the West we were looking for."

Quistis' eyebrow shot up but her snappy retort was cut off by an indignant Goodgulf. "Unhand me you buffoon." He then proceeded to wallop Lyonal with an umbrella, which having worked with stronger and more violent SAEGFs was having little effect on him. "I know my rights, this amounts to sexual harassment in the workplace with your filthy mitts on my person…"

"Shut it granddad this is the most action you've gotten all millennia." Spiller sneered then turned to Quistis, missing the misting of Goodgulf's eyes due to how accurate his jibe was. "Might I for one moment draw you're attention to the window."

Everyone looked expectantly out the window but all they could see was the charred shell of the Janitor's hut. Lulu looked questioningly at the smouldering remains. "What happened to your hut I thought you rebuilt it?"

Taking a moment to appreciate, as they always did, Lulu's assets, Spiller gritted his teeth and tried not to hop the counter and pummel Quistis. "We did."

"So why is it burned down?"

One look at Spiller's rapidly pulsing vein Lyonal piped up. "Good question Cloud… I never thought I'd hear those words said... We decided to enlist Goodgulf's questionable skills in finding out how it mysteriously burned down."

"Yes you dragged me from my afternoon soaps just as I was about to find out who fathered Anna's baby on the _Strange and Crazed_…"

"It was Sophie."

"What! How? I thought it was Will or his evil siamese twin brother/cousin Bill. Anyway Sophie's a girl. Denny don't talk such nonsense."

"It's not nonsense. It was Sophie she's an it."

"It?"

"You know an hermesafroditty something or other an IT!"

Spiller wearily rubbed his forehead. "What he means is a Hermaphrodite, a person possessing both male and female genitalia."

"Ohhh."

"But the reason we dragged that antique with us was that the SAEGFs seemed to think there was magic involved and seeing as he's the 'expert'," at these words Spiller paused and dubiously eyeballed Goodgulf, "we thought he did it. Seeing as he still protested his innocence after Lyonal did the dance of the seven veils in his belly dancing outfit, a foolproof torture method if ever we made one up, he told us he could tell us who did."

At this point Lyonal slightly red in the face and trying to ignore the disgusted stares on the others' faces interrupted. "It was Quistis."

"What! Why? How could I? I can't do any magic properly."

Yazoo nodded, "It's true a while ago she tried to cast Firaga and nothing happened…."

Spiller's eyes gleamed. "Nothing except perhaps, maybe this is a wild guess but OUR HUT BURNING DOWN."

Quistis glanced ruefully at the trio. "Sorry."

Lyonal looked at her. "We're not blaming you completely, this sack of bones is meant to be your teacher."

"Great job he's been doing so far." Spiller snorted.

Denny smiled at her. "Seeing as we can tolerate you fairly ok and we need your help on an upcoming super secret mission," at this he rapidly winked his eye at her, "We've decided to blame him and your punishment is to help us with our mission and rebuilding the hut."

In answer Quistis banged her head against the counter many times.

Zell laughed. "Another game. Today's been the bestest day ever."

* * *

"I need a killer line for the Speed-Dating," Irvine said as he was flicking through a book ambitiously titled 'What Women Think' in the common room. "First impressions are the most important so a good opener is a must." The other guys crowded around him looking over his shoulder.

"Who thought women could think so much?" Seifer said.

Irvine looked over at the TWATS. "I can think of at least one thing wrong with that title." Squall added a weary "Whatever" in agreement.

"Least it explains their obsession with scented candles." Amarant scratched his head in bewilderment.

Kuja glanced up from where he was filing his nails, "I could have told you that."

"Hmm, guess so. After all you do seem to be batting for both sides, if you know what I mean." Amarant stared at Kuja's off-the-hip half finished dress and shuddered.

The girls were congregating at the other side of the room near the fire, taking it in turns to read out loud from a book called 'I think therefore I am not male.' Garnet wiped the tears from her eyes after Freya had read out a particularly realistic passage about men and ironing and glanced over at the boys still pondering over the book. Kimahri was taking frantic notes. "Poor fools if they think we're about to bowled over by some cheesy chat-up line."

"I know, guys think there's some Holy Grail of chat-up lines that will make all women and supermodels fall at their feet," Tifa added shaking her head.

"I went Speed-Dating once," Ultimecia said, "Never met so many men I didn't like in so short a time."

Aeris gave her a critical look, "Maybe you were too picky?"

"Hah, you must be kidding me. The best opener was 'Are you wearing space pants? 'Cos your ass is out of this world.'"

"Holy crap that's bad," Aeris gasped in between laughing, "I know the first thing Sephiroth's going to say to me." She stood up and made a stabbing movement while shouting 'DIE!!'

"I'd never be that obvious," her annoyed would-be murderer called over.

"No, usually you're even more so," Aeris shot back leaving Sephiroth to mutter about 'Damn flower girls' and console Masamune.

* * *

After many tears, tantrums, bruised egos and bodies the opening day of the School Funday had arrived. It started in its usual way with Cid firing his pellet gun in the students' doors when they tried to ignore the alarm. Having received a pellet in the eye Yazoo was about as happy as a sober Rude. "Seriously how did you get a licence for that thing?"

The only response Yazoo received besides Cid's hysterical laughter was, "Licence?"

"Unsurprising considering where we are." Loz shrugged and continued to try to wiggle his way into his leather strait jacket clothing. All he succeeded in doing way wiggling his way into his brothers causing a pile on of limbs, leather and pvc.

"Loz you son of a …"

"_Watch your mouth! Or at least come up with something a bit more creative that that hackneyed tripe. I demand originality!! "_

"Yes Mother. Get your strap out of my eye and don't even think of moving in that direction. I've seen more of you than I ever wanted to!"

* * *

Across the school mid mud mask removal Mario's head pops up and meets Fabio's eyes. "Do you have the strange feeling that we are missing out on something?"

"Hmm… exfoliator, foaming wash, face cloths, toner, moisturiser… No we seem to have everything." Fabio reviewed his inventory.

Mario wrinkled his brow as much as the ten ton weight mask would let him. "No it's so much more than that…"

"More than preserving your beauty… oh Mario wrinkles… eh oh stop desist and decrease them before the have time to form."

At the mention of his mortal enemies Mario return his attention to the most important thing in his life… to look damn good.

* * *

"Hey there. Hi there. Ho there…"

Ultimecia's head snapped up from her carefully maintained air of disdain for everything to glare accusingly at Denny. "Did you just call me a… a ho?"

"Eh. Hmm. Uh…."

Spiller kicked Denny in the shin. "Look away. How many times do we have to tell you never make eye contact with a woman looking to kill you."

"But this time I didn't do anything!"

"YOU CALLED ME A HO!!!"

At this outburst from an exceptionally irate and lethal Ultimecia all males in the nearby vicinity winced in sympathy for the soon to be blob of flesh known as Denny.

Amarant slowly and very quietly whispered to Gippal. "It's a good thing he likes straws so much. Judging by the way she's looking at him I'd say he'll soon be taking his meals through them."

"Uh-huh."

Nooj shuddered. "Maybe, if he's lucky. Have you seen the things she keeps in her hair, sharp looking buggers and only half as deadly as her."

It seemed as if fate had decided to finally throw Denny a bone as Bahamut chose that moment to let out a giant fart.

THUMP

"Wakka are you alright?"

"Why would he be? He took the full force of it?"

"Someone get him some smelling salts or something."

"I think he's _smelt_ enough don't you?"

"What exactly would you have to eat to make a smell so putrid?"

"It's like something crawled up there and died!!"

"I just want my nose to fall off right now!"

"It's not right… it's just not right!"

"Eurgh… I'm gonna… oh that's not… Move it… I have to…"

"You couldn't even make it to the bin at least, these are new shoes!"

"Boohoo smelly and unshiny boohoo."

"Super smelly."

At these comments Bahamut glared hatefully at all present. "What it's not like you all haven't farted in public before."

"Even if we had it wouldn't be as bad as that. You knocked someone out and uprooted a few stalls. As for whatever you eat that's going to change!" Cid sputtered.

"You're not the boss of me!"

Spiller threw a rock at Bahamut. "Actually fat ass he is."

Cid turned to the janitors. "What the &)#£(!? hell do you feed him?"

Lyonal scratched his head. "It's more a liquid diet than anything. Lager and curries."

"From now on it's water and salad. That is just downright unnatural."

Denny blinked for a few seconds then calmly said. "Well he's a giant dragon, you try telling him to not do anything."

Cid turned redder by the second. "Well… I mean … just… I need a cigarette."

* * *

Once they had righted the knocked over stalls and Wakka had been successfully resuscitated to the point where he had at least stopped screaming and was now only trembling and muttering to himself, it was decided that the speed dating would begin. Cid decided that due to the laws against dating minors all teachers and Auron were forbidden from taking part. Vivi was also excused as no one knew what age he really was. This lead to many complaints most coming from students considering they felt if those of legal age didn't have to do it then why should they. The only response the got was Cid grumbling about migraines and an overexcited Rinni thrust into their faces talking so fast no one could make sense of her. Like everything else they went through at this school they just gave up, refilled their first aid kits and their bar tabs at the Crypt.

Seeing as no one was able to understand Rinni, Edie was volunteered to take her place. Once she had managed to get to her feet from being thrown to the platform floor, and threaten Reno and Rude for taking photos of her ass as she stood up, Edie gingerly picked up the microphone.

"Ehm… testing… is this on? It is… oh… right. Well students welcome to today's main event Speed dating. The girls are required to remain at a table while you guys move to each table every ten minutes after which the gong will be sounded."

BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Alex found it an appropriate time to demonstrate.

As soon as she had stopped shaking and her ears stopped ringing Edie continued. "The purpose of this is to improve your social skills and to get to know your fellow students battered… Wait that's not right…"

At Edie's obvious mistake Reno and Rude started laughing loudly.

"Oh shut up you two! It's not my fault I can barely read this chicken scrawl Cid calls handwriting…"

"Hey my writing's fine. In fact my parole officer said it's easy to read."

Edie irritably pushed her hair out of her eyes. "Yes well your parole officer had to learn to read Braille first so there. Moving on students you are not to hit or in anyway physically hurt each other, there's not much we can do about there mental health… you've all met our 'counsellors,'" this was meet by chuckles and an indignant 'Hey!' by Reno only, seeing as Rude was taking a swig out of his emergency calf flask as his hip flask was empty. Edie ignored this and continued, "Just try not to maim or kill each other and well just pray it goes as quickly as possible. Um… Thank you."

* * *

The girls were all seated and were anxiously waiting for the torture to end as blindfolds were put over all students' eyes and they were placed at the tables. Once the gong sounded the nightmare would begin. Freya had already filled in her chart on the guys each comment box contained similar words, the most popular being 'idiot' or 'moron' and the one specially reserved for Zidane and Kimahri 'pervert'.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

Freya sighed. Once the blindfold was removed she blinked a few times to readjust to the light. It was then she registered that it was Wakka sitting opposite her and as far as speed dating was going to go this was to be her favourite date. Of course it helped that Wakka was still too traumatised to do anything beside shudder and jump at any loud noise. It was the most peaceful ten minutes of Freya's day and she was slightly sad to see it end.

* * *

Ultimecia was annoyed, severely annoyed. They had removed her hair ornaments before allowing her to sit down, or rather Mario had, seeing as anyone else's 'barbarian' mitts would ruin her perfectly coiffed hair. Now she was stuck watching any male unfortunate enough to have to sit at her table cower in fear at her without being able to hurt them. Although she was rather enjoying the silence. That and the look of abject terror on Nooj's face at the moment.

* * *

Baralai was enjoying this as much as any guy would enjoy a back, sac and crack wax. So far he had sat with a few of the girls and had hatched a few revenge plans against the teachers but then there was that unending ten minutes with Ultimecia, he almost thought that Miss Alex was never going to sound the gong. There's only so much death glaring a guy can take. To top it all off Baralai had the unfortunate problem of sitting with Selphie first and then have to sit with all the TWATS before finally ending up with Quistis who took one look at him and pulled out a flask Rude sold her. So far that was his favourite, the word 'shiny' was never mentioned. But he was baffled at his current table for sitting opposite him was none other than Kuja filing his nails. "Ha, look at that. A perfect manicure! Fabio will be delighted. He's been demonstrating the proper technique to me. Do you want one?" Baralai blinked then nodded his agreement. This was at least ten minutes where he could just zone out quite happily.

* * *

It had to have been ten minutes already. He had been certain they were over and there was no way that only two minutes had passed. The clock just had to have stopped, but the second hand was still moving… it must be some other problem. Steiner grimaced, Eiko had yet to take a breath… it just couldn't be possible for one person to keep talking without breathing. She had to be a robot or something. Or she could be a separate species. That had to be it. Eiko was some type of creature hell bent on taking over everyone and making them into clones and that was why all the TWATS were the same. Eiko was the mastermind and was sucking the life force out of them, just like those things from _The Invasion of the Body Snatchers_ soon they would all become TWATS!!! Steiner began to sweat and slowly easing himself further and further away from the table. Due to the uneven amount of males to females Amarant and Gippal were missing a turn each. He tried signalling to them but it was no use. Amarant was on the dance machine going head to head with Rude, while Reno and Cid had a pool going on the winner. That left Gippal… who seemed to have done a disappearing act… there he was with Auron and Vivi sneaking out the window. Damn him!! Steiner was really on his own here… and Eiko was looking intently at him for some strange reason, then it registered what she was saying.

"You are really, really, really shiny! Uh-huh! You know what… You should totally join the TWATS we could polish you up and you'd be like a walking mirror… YOU TOTALLY HAVE TO JOIN US NOW!!"

Steiner gulped, she really was some freaky body snatcher and he was her next victim!

* * *

This was seriously the worst thing in the entire world. There was nothing anyone could ever do to deserve such torture. Paine knew she should complain but there really was no point in this place. Complaining here was like pissing in the wind.

BBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY! Some relief. There was only so much of Kimahri's grammar one person could endure and Paine worked with him which meant double the butchery to the English Language. Oh no… it just wasn't possible… it's completely inhumane. First she had to endure Kimahri's daily repeated offer for 'a bit of fun on Kimahri's big machine of love,' now she was going to have to suffer through ten whole minutes of groping and Zidane had a tail to help his pawing. Paine let out a sigh… this was going to be excruciating.

"Hey baby, you've got something on your butt."

At Paine's stare Zidane continued and added in an eyebrow waggle that Odin taught him for good measure. "My eyes."

WHACK

Zidane sat rubbing his cheek as Paine took deep calming breaths. "What was that for?"

"I'd say being a perverted ass tops the list."

"That hurt."

"Good! As I like to say Paine by name PAIN by nature. So keep it up and I'll introduce you to my fists."

After that the rest of the minutes passed by quietly. Zidane however was on edge the entire time and winced whenever Paine cracked her knuckles.

* * *

"You are very blue aren't you? Are you sad that you're not shiny?"

Kimahri's chat up line died on his lips. "What wrong with Kimahri's fur?"

"It's not shiny enough and you only have it in one colour. Now if you could change colours that would be super cool. You could have mood fur so that when you feel a certain way it changes colour to match. That way people would know if you were happy or sad… it would be just like my mood ring. Isn't it pretty…" Kimahri's head snapped back as Rikku shoved her hand into his face.

"… We could of course make you prettier using other ways like accessorising. It's just the best thing ever. You can have loads of necklaces and bracelets… Oh I'm sure Selphie would let you borrow her glitter pens and that way you'd be all bright and sparkly!!!"

"If Kimahri wear glitter you would like Kimahri more?"

"Uh huh. I love glitter!!"

"Kimahri think first that Kimahri need lots of shampoo and conditioner for that mess."

* * *

"Seriously you look like a lame ass pirate from the 80s."

"What!?!"

"Oh come on you haven't noticed that already. Pssh. The lycra jump suit and ruffled shirt. You are definitely a walking fashion disaster."

Garnet turned as red as her name. "You're one to talk! You prance around like a dominatrix."

"WHAT!"

Garnet smirked at Yazoo's gaping mouth. "Let me rephrase that. A feminine, goldfish come dominatrix. Shut your mouth, you're catching flies dear."

"Wench!"

"Beatrix wannabe. Is that why you've grown your hair? All you're missing is the eye patch."

"Listen here 'princess' you are one to talk. You are a brunette Beatrix."

"Where did you come up with that tripe?" Garnet sputtered.

"You dress just as bad as she does. Wait… is that one of her hand me downs… oh and you like to try to prove you have more balls than all the guys here combined!"

"I probably do… but that's all because you lot are as useful as a dying flower… all floppy and wilting!"

"Well you're about as feminine as Kimahri on steroids."

By the time Miss Alex sounded the gong Barrett was forced to pull Garnet's fist from twisting Yazoo's nipple 360 degrees clockwise and his teeth from her arm.

Garnet rubbed her arm. "I want a tetanus injection."

"Yeah well I want some painkillers and an ice pack." Yazoo gingerly rubbed his swollen and nearly bleeding nipple.

Barrett took a look at the pair before tossing some Soft at both of them.

Both of them blinked at the Soft in their hands. Yazoo sighed, "Should have expected this." Garnet muttered her agreement.

* * *

"Woohoo funny hair!"

"Huh? Where?" Cloud frantically looked around the room trying to find the funny haired person Selphie was talking about.

"Haha. That looks like fun. Woohoo dizzy."

Both Cloud and Selphie spent the next few minutes twisting their heads around before getting so dizzy that they had to stop.

Cloud held his head between his hands. "Everything is moving."

"I don't feel so shiny. WAIT… Glitter pens make everything shiny."

Cloud took the pen Selphie was offering. "Woohoo! Hey that's fun to say."

Selphie nodded and beamed at Cloud. The rest of their 'date' together was spent doodling on the table.

BBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

Mario and Vincent made their way over to the pair to see that they were alright.

Cloud pointed to the table top when they arrived. "Look what we made."

"Woohoo. Pretty picture."

Mario and Vincent could only stare. Two of the ditziest people had managed to replicate _The Persistence of Memory,_ one of the most famous of all of Salvador Dali's paintings.

Mario was astonished. "I'm astonished… I mean you two… How?... What?..."

Vincent frowned more deeply. "It's too bright for me to even begin to guess how. I'm going to get one of Rude's flasks."

With that the pair walked over to Rude and borrowed two of his many body flasks.

* * *

"So what's the idea?"

Seifer rolled his eyes banefully. "What are you blabbing on about now?"

Tifa ran her eyes up and down Seifer making him fidget uncomfortably. "Cut that crap out. It's uncomfortable."

"Welcome to womanhood Seifer your first lesson in Objectifying 101. Sucks don't it. But seriously what's the deal?"

"What deal?"

Tifa pointed towards his clothes. "Are you trying to catch Beatrix's attention?"

"WHAT!?!"

"Or maybe it's Mario and Fabio's your after. Huh?" Tifa winked conspiratorially at him.

Seifer was choking with indignation. "Who in their right mind would ever want any of that type of attention? And WHY do you think I'd want it?"

"Nothing much… Well maybe… hmmm… It's just look at you! Tight bondage-esque clothing. It's a black leather and pvc monstrosity."

"I didn't pick it out… like you I was forced into it. Well not as much as you have to be forced into yours." Seifer stared at a particular part of Tifa's body.

"Perve. But in all honesty you look like a cheap imitation of Sephiroth and his brothers." Tifa continued ignoring Seifer sputtering with indignation. "It's a close copy with the clothes but you'd loose points in a look-a-like contest when it comes to the hair."

"Again not my choice of haircut. AND there's no way I want to look anything like those four… who would." Seifer shuddered. "Can you imagine all the pawing and inappropriate glances… not to mention the lewd comments. Have you heard some of the things said to them and what Beatrix suggests, I'm not even sure is physically possible. But it's not like you have any idea what it's like to receive that type of attention."

Tifa stared in shock as Seifer sniffed delicately at the obvious 'mistreatment' the brothers experienced. In the end she rolled her eyes and sarcastically said, "Let's see inappropriate stares, groping and continuous lewd comments… no, I guess your right I'd have absolutely _NO IDEA_ what that's like."

"It's alright you're just ignorant."

"Moron."

* * *

Lulu yawned then shook her head to try to stay awake and focus on what Tidus was saying. It was getting harder the more he went on about his dust bunny collection. So far she learned that he was keeping it safely under his bed as that was where he had first found it. He was also regularly feeding it with the lint from his pockets and if people wanted to donate some he'd love it. At that statement and the big wide puppy dog eyes he was shooting her Lulu produced some lint from between the straps on her top, then she told him he was welcome to collect any dust from the Crypt. It was less cleaning for her and Tifa, and lets face it they had enough back problems as it was. It also meant that they wouldn't have to bend over. The comments were bad enough when standing, it became a contest for most downright perverted suggestion when they had to dust the lower shelves. Tidus was now talking about how he got the idea, after Mouldy grabbed him. Apparently as an apology for making him watch Barney, Mouldy showed him his own dust bunny collection. Lulu shuddered to think what it was like. Judging by Mouldy himself it would be bad…

"…so then he showed me the best way to make sure they don't get cleaned up by accident."

"Uh-huh."

"I was going to take Cloud and Zell to see them but then Quistis said that I shouldn't take Cloud as he would be all upset about them."

Lulu was confused. "Why would he care?"

Tidus looked solemn. "It's 'cause they're 'bunnies' and he's still upset about what Sephiroth did to Mr. Bunny."

Lulu tried not to laugh. "Ha… Uh- ha- Huh."

"But Zell is really, really, really, really excited about going to see them. He thinks…"

At this point Lulu realised she had put a tweezers and a mirror in her boobs just in case she got this bored. She took them out and proceeded to shape her eyebrows all the while added in an "Uh-huh" so as not to be completely rude. Tidus didn't seem to notice that she wasn't fully listening. Although she kept an ear out for anything that would be helpful to WARML, if only to see what other ways they could come up with to get Tidus and Cloud's attention.

* * *

Yuna was scribbling furiously on a notepad. She was currently getting Zell to tell her everything he knew about Tidus. Hopefully she would have some useful information for the next WARML meeting. There were plans to recruit some new members but that all depended on them being able to steal the file sheets from Cid's office. They had managed to get their own and one other when Tifa went into Cid's office with a new drink that she made for him to test out. While the alcohol and Tifa distracted him, Yuna sneaked the files out. Aeris wanted to do it but they all agreed that considering how bright her costume was he would spot her in an instant, and short of shoving his head down Tifa's top they all would have multiple pellet wounds. The files they managed to grab explained their own love triangles and the one other they had was a Rinoa/Squall/Quistis mini triangle. The girls did everything they could to make Quistis join but she said that as far as the guys went Squall was alright, plus they were friends before they arrived here and that it wasn't really a triangle. They eventually stopped pestering her when she said she'd join only if they got Rinoa to join as she was the other part of the triangle. That was a faith worse than death as far as Yuna was concerned or Tifa and Aeris for that matter. The next step was to steal the rest of the files and go from there.

"…so he put his top on as pants. Hahaha. That was silly I mean even I know that his top is yellow and his pants are blue. Edie's explained it to us loads of time so we'd never mix them up. I think he was just tired. He has to stay up a bit later than us so he can feed his pets… but Cloud's not meant to know about them."

"Tidus… has… pets…"

"Yep."

"But… he… has… to… keep… it… secret… from… Cloud."

"Yep," Zell started whispering, "They're bunnies."

"Bunnies… Keep… talking…"

"Dust bunnies. Mouldy has a collection too. Tidus and me are going to go see them but we have to keep it a secret from Cloud. After Sephiroth murdered Mr. Bunny he gets really sad when you talk about bunnies…"

Yuna kept taking notes and made an extra note in the diary part of her official WARML planner to go find out about Dust Bunny collections from Mouldy and to mention the information at the next WARML meeting. Seeing as Zell was so excited about this and Tidus was going to extreme lengths to have a collection, Yuna figured it might be a new way of getting to them.

* * *

Aeris put her head into her hands and groaned audibly. So far she'd had her suspicions of the all the males in this school being stupid confirmed. Then there was the ten minutes with Sephiroth. He actually managed to cut off a piece of her hair that time. It was Seifer's fault he was the one who hurled his chair at her, and that was only because she agreed with Tifa's opinion that he did want to be Sephiroth and that was his subconscious desires manifesting. Come to think of it WARML should stop trying to use Freudian psychology on Tidus or Cloud, it's not as if they have anything to analyse up there. Aeris sighed and tried to meditate herself out of the room only to be interrupted by the chair opposite her being scrapped back.

Loz chuckled at the murderous glances Aeris shot him. "Well you're not much to look at either."

"I don't know why you said that about me. I don't think you're unattractive at all." Aeris yawned blearily.

"Really? Huh. I thought Seph and Yaz were the lookers… maybe Kadaj if you're looking for a girlfriend."

"Yep in Kadaj's case I'd definitely be the one wearing the trousers. Anyway you are attractive. All the girls think so." At Loz's raised eyebrow Aeris continued. "You're rugged, a man's man, it's your natural machismo."

"Machismo… I don't think that word has been used since the 80s."

"Yes well, in comparison your brothers are women. Not to mention you are the sanest. Tifa says that if she has to pick one of you lot she'd pick you."

Loz glanced in Tifa's direction. "Hmmm. Now that's interesting. I'm still undecided between her and Lulu."

SLAP.

Loz effortlessly swatted Aeris' attempts to continue hitting him. "Are you done? What's that? Your diary…"

"No. It's my WARML diary."

"So how is mission impossible going?"

"Let's just say Kadaj will reach puberty before it even begins to work."

"Ouch. That bad." Loz bellowed with laughter. "It was never going to work."

Aeris scowled. "And why wouldn't it?"

"Apart from your intended targets barely able to scrap a brain cell between them, they're male."

"…"

"Look it sounds weird but trust me. If and in regards to that lot and this is a big IF they were normal guys all you'd have to do is make them jealous. Simple."

"Continue."

"Think about it, you lot are always hanging around them they don't know anything else, but if you were suddenly unavailable and they needed you lot they'd pay more attention to ye. Now don't get me wrong we all love the 'are they – aren't they' game you and Tifa are playing but to them it means nothing."

"I loathe to admit this but it sounds like you're right. Why are you lot so strange?"

"Us we're simple it's you lot that are impossible. One of the natural mysteries of the universe like… like…"

"Mario's natural hair colour?"

"Exactly! … I wonder what it is?"

"Most of our WARML meetings end up on this discussion. See we think…"

* * *

It was getting a lot harder to keep a straight face. He was so involved in his diatribe; if he didn't stop Quistis was going to burst into hysterical laughter… soon. Although considering his earlier attempts at coming onto her this was preferable. But it was getting harder to keep it in. She knew Kadaj loved gardening but honestly how can someone wax lyrically on the topic of gardening for five minutes straight. It had been five minutes already, this date mercifully was flying by. But another five mutes of this and she'd be uncontrollable.

Kadaj had whipped out one of his magazines to illustrate some new method of weeding and was eagerly showing it to Quistis. As he pointed to the diagram of the technique involved her attention shifted to the opposite page.

It was her gasp that stopped Kadaj mid-speech. "What? Am I talking too fast?"

"You little pervert. And to think everyone genuinely believed that this was an innocent gardening magazine." Quistis had grabbed the magazine out of his hand and was flipping through it, occasionally pausing and staring wide-eyed at what she was seeing.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. A perfectly natural hobby to read magazines."

"Of course, except with this type people tend to read them in private and buy them from the top shelves in stores."

"Just give it back."

Quistis eyeballed Kadaj. "No, I want to find out about the top ten lawnmowers as voted for by the ever so 'lovely' farmer's daughters that are regular features of this magazine… make that lovely and just about clothed farmer's daughters."

"I only read it for the articles." Kadaj muttered darkly.

"Sure you do."

"I do."

"So what do you think of the minx Mandy who's a Virgo the astrological virgin, yeah right good luck proving that one Mandy. She likes nothing better than long secluded walks in harvest time cornfields. Ha, laying it on a bit thick there."

"Listen I don't judge anything you do."

"Yes you do. We all do its human nature but this at least in your case proves you're human."

"So you won't tell anyone?"

"It's none of my business to. You might want to let your brothers know though. Then at least the won't think you're so strange."

"A guy's got to have some secrets. But I do read it for the articles too."

"Now that I have no problem believing. You're a dark one but not too dark. Grey more likely."

"Yeah hehe. Oh this is the issue with the best way to keep bulbs warm during hard frost…"

Quistis sighed and let Kadaj drone on for the rest of their date while trying to avoid looking at exactly what Mandy was doing with that lawnmower.

* * *

Irvine was currently in a tight spot. A very tight spot indeed. A very tight and lecherous spot. How it happened was beyond him? He knew that teacher's were definitely not meant to be a part of the speed dating so how exactly Beatrix came to be seated across from him was baffling.

"He he… ehm hi."

Beatrix ran her eye up and down Irvine. "Why hey there cowboy."

In that exact moment Irvine felt a massive amount of pity for Sephiroth. Not that he'd ever tell the future maniac but he did. To think that was only Beatrix, what it must be like to have Mario and Fabio do the exact same thing, he shuddered in response. Too harrowing to even think of. His only problem now was to trying to get someone's attention, all the teachers were no good as they were watching Rude and Amarant on that damned dance-off machine. Lousy good-fer-nuthin' bums. They were gambling and he was here defending his virtue from a one eyed walking ad for hormonal issues.

As one hand got much too close for comfort Irvine irritably slapped it away. "Do you mind, your hands are all over my person and I ain't too fond of it."

Beatrix tilted her head to the side and looked at him. Then she snorted. "Figures I finally find a cowboy only to realise he's from Brokeback Mountain."

"Huh?"

"Now it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know that film… Brokeback Mountain…"

Irvine tried to think of any recent cowboy films and the only one he could vaguely think of was that one where the pair were…

"Now wait just a gosh-darn minute I ain't… I mean not that there's… but me... no... it's…"

Beatrix just stared at him. Remembering the first few minutes alone with her he suddenly decided that if pretending that he was gay would save him from her then that was exactly what he would do. This was a matter of life and death and Irvine was not about to give up just yet.

"Wait… I guess… it's like I've had to hide the real me for so long that I just…"

"It's ok. I understand. I'm disappointed but if you every have any doubts." At this she winked at him, but when you wear an eye patch it's not too effective.

"Well then I guess I'd best be going… there's really no point in me maintaining this charade any longer."

Irvine beat a hasty retreat until he reached the other teachers. He told Reno, Rude and Cid what happened. Beatrix spent the rest of the night wondering why the four of them were laughing at her.

* * *

Squall's heart was pounding a mile a minute. It looked like he was going to make it and escape her clutches. It was bad enough having to sit with the other TWATS and listen to them prattle on about dresses and something about a party with him there. As if he'd be that stupid, Rinoa would chain him to her or something equally as bad. Success! He managed to avoid sitting with her by taking an extra turn out. It was lucky there's more guys here than girls. Plus this was the last date there's no way she could catch him.

Just as Squall was about to slip into the seat and bask in the glory of escaping Rinoa's clutches the gong sounded.

BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

"HUH!?!"

"What's going on?"

"That wasn't ten minutes."

"Thank you I don't have to sit with her."

"HEY!!"

The guys moved to the next place. But just before they could sit down the gong sounded again. This happened ten more times until it stopped. Judging by the looks on the janitors' faces and the camcorder in their hands, as later on watching the tape would prove, all the guys looked like they were doing some demented chicken dance. But the best part according to all those who saw the tape was the look on Squall's face when he realised who he ended up seated across from.

"Sugar plum."

"…."

"I'm super happy, first it looked like we were never going to sit with each other but the girls helped me. First Yuffie did some funny dance with her leg out on the floor and Miss Alex fell over and couldn't get up. Then Rikku and Selphie hit the gong while Eiko watched until you were sitting opposite me. Haha TWATS power!!"

"…."

"What's wrong, you look sad."

Squall could only stare with tears brimming in his eyes while Rinoa made googly eyes at him. He thought he had managed to get away with it but she caught him.

"I know what will make you feel better." Rinoa giggled and pulled out an extremely glitterfied scrapbook. "Look it's a little something the girls and I put together. See we decorated it. It's a book of what our lives together will be like starting with our wedding."

Squall nearly choked when she said the word 'wedding.' But Rinoa continued oblivious to the complete look of horror on Squall's face.

"And here are some photos of what our kids will be like. I think five kids will be just right. Four girls so I could dress them up all pretty, I was just going to have girls but then I decided to have a boy just to keep you company…"

Rinoa continued to talk completely unaware that Squall heard nothing after the word 'kids.' That was the point where Squall knew he had to get away from her. He stood up terrified, desperately searching for the exit.

"Honey… baby… love of my life… father of my future children… What's the matter?"

"HMMM UHG EEEEEEEEEEEERRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH… I AM **NOT** YOUR _'HONEY,'_ _'BABY'_ OR ANYTHING ELSE. ESPECIALLY **NOT** YOUR _HUSBAND_ AND **WILL NEVER BE** THAT OR THE _FATHER_ OF YOUR CHILDREN. I WANT **_NOTHING_** TO DO WITH YOU EVER…. YOU'RE… JUST… YOU… I CAN'T… STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU **BUNNY BOILER!!!!!!**"

All anyone could do was blink as Squall purple with rage stormed out of the room, while a distressed Rinoa started sobbing. They were all in shock.

Miss Alex waved a perfectly taloned hand around. "Did tall, dark, broody and mute just talk?"

Edie just nodded, as her mouth was still hanging open with shock.

"Well I'll be. You go boy."

Rinni clapped her hands catching all the students' attention. "This is the last date so continue… go on… TALK!!"

* * *

Sephiroth sat wearily in the seat holding onto Masamune for dear life. This was torture plain and simple. The other students, bar the TWATS were fine, it was avoiding the teachers was a nightmare. So far he managed to evade a shaded corner which Irvine told him was where Beatrix was and then he narrowly missed an abduction attempt by Mario and Fabio near the potted plants. There's only so much a man can be expected to take. Unfortunately for Yuffie she was the last person Sephiroth had to sit with.

"Hey!"

Sephiroth just glowered in response. Yuffie began to stare intently at Sephiroth and then looked him up and down. His right eye twitched dangerously.

"Ohhhhhh… You are shiny!" Yuffie's eyes widened in appreciation. "Not as shiny as Vincent's clown shoes but shiny."

Sephiroth bared his teeth and growled deeply in his chest.

"Your teeth are shiny and so is your hair!"

By now it would have been a good idea for Yuffie to stop but her kleptomania meant she was oblivious to any warning signs.

"And your sword is shiny too…" Yuffie's hand reached out to touch Masamune and Sephiroth reached boiling point and snapped.

"Oh my gawd what red ears you have."

"All the better to listen to your inane twitterings with."

"Oh my gawd your eyes are bulging out of your head."

"All the better to see where to hit you."

"Oh my gawd what a big sword you have."

"All the better to kill you. DDDDDDDIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yuffie quickly jumped out of the way. "Hahahahaha you're funny… and shiny."

Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj quickly ran over and were drawing straws on who was going to be the poor unfortunate to try to catch Sephiroth's attention.

Kadaj just stared as Yuffie continued to make stupid comments at their extremely homicidal brother. "Is she stupid?"

Yazoo slapped the back of his younger brother's head. "She's a TWAT."

"She's a quick one though. Not a bad fighter either." Loz continued to watch as Yuffie's childhood spent in gymnastics was tested by their Masamune wielding brother.

Everyone had finally thought Yuffie lost it when she ran and somersaulted over Sephiroth, narrowly missing Masamune, and pulling on his hair hard.

"UGH… do NOT… damage… the HAIR!" Mario managed to yell through gritted teeth.

Just as it looked like Yuffie would end up as a kebab she was saved by Cloud, who thought that Sephiroth was performing his victory pose and decided he would show everyone how good he had become with his and knocked Sephiroth out, luckily with the flat side of the sword.

Reno blinked. "That was a spot of luck."

Rude nodded. "Indeed."

Seeing that his tenuous leadership was once again needed Cid fired off a round with his ever faithful 'Bob' the pellet gun and barked at Barrett. "Check he's still breathing and if he is then… &#€ fix him up. Alright folks show's over. Oh an' Rinni lay off thinking up 'great ideas' for a while... shouldn't be hard enough for ye."

* * *

Sephiroth and Squall's meltdown finished the speed dating off. The students were given a break to get something to eat. After that they were required to attend the carnival which was the closing event of the day.

Before running off to get something to eat Yuffie slipped away to a secret meeting point in the Swamp. There she was met by someone who wore dark clothing and stayed hidden in the heavily shadowed area to protect their identity.

"Do you have it?" The person's voice sounded odd as if it was muffled by a cloth.

"You sound funny."

"Never mind that do you have it?"

"Uh-huh. Teehee he was so mad when I grabbed it."

"Hand it over… Carefully."

Yuffie handed the stranger what they wanted. "Now hand me my reward." She happily took the large bag of Gils the stranger offered. "Ooohhh they're so shiny and new."

The stranger turned to leave but Yuffie was curious. "I'm curious why did you want Sephiroth's hair?"

The stranger paused a moment before answering. "I'm making something and this is the last ingredient."

Yuffie screwed up her nose in distaste. "Eeeewww no-one wants hair in their food…"

"It's not food you dolt it's for…"

"Whatever. I have to go now there's a carnival tonight. Bye." With that Yuffie turned on her heel. The stranger sighed before turning to leave muttering about the unfortunate necessity of needing idiots to complete plans sometimes.

* * *

Phew, sorry again about the long wait but if you can find it in your hearts to forgive us just press that little old review button. 


	14. Of all the Schools in all the World

**LadyG:** Yep do not get your eyes tested it is an update...

**RealtF:** So please put the lynch mob away...

**LadyG: **We are sorry for the delay but Writer's block really sucks. The two of us read fanfiction so we know what it's like to not get updates for months on end and it annoys us but please forgive us...

**Disclaimer:** If it's recognisable it's not ours. It belongs to those other people with the lawyers and copyright... Lucky b$()&?€#!

* * *

**Chapter 14: Of all the Schools in all the World...**

* * *

"Here Aeris I got you a lucky dip bag," Quistis passed her a bulging shiny plastic bag. 

"Thanks." Aeris dipped her hand into it and rummaged around. "What'd you get?" she nodded towards Quistis.

"Some hemorrhoid cream, a coupon for a barbers and some dental floss among other delights. And you?"

"A coffin key ring and a free autopsy." Aeris threw the items back into the bag and jumped as Reno came up behind her.

"You'll make good use of those," Reno nodded. "Here have this as well." He handed her a 'Make out one will and get another one free' voucher.

"What is your problem?" Aeris stuffed the voucher into Reno's pocket and pushed him away. "Honestly I wish I'd never gone into you."

"You can't fight fate," Reno whispered in a pseudo-mystical voice and a shadow seemed to pass over his face.

"That seems to happen a lot around me," Aeris commented.

"I know. I'm gonna get it looked at." Before Reno could impart any more portents of doom Goodgulf's voice bellowed out and a thick smoke came from his tent. "This magic is just a taste of my powers! Come gaze into your future! My mystical abilities will reveal your destiny! Only one gil and customers may experience electric shocks." He waved his arms about to get rid of the smoke that was engulfing him.

"Was that really necessary?" Vincent kicked the wizard's still belching smoke grenade away from his coffin-fitting stall. "You must be hard-up if you're going into the fortune telling business."

"Come on Aeris, let's get our fortunes read." Quistis took her friend's unwilling arm and walked towards the tent where Goodgulf ushered them in then sat down at a table on which was a snow globe and a pack of greasy tarot cards. "First you must cross my palm with silver." At the girls' blank looks he said, "Just give me a gil will ya?" They duly obliged and Goodgulf settled more comfortably into his seat. "Who's first?"

"I'll go," Aeris said and Goodgulf started waving his hands over the snow globe. "Soon some images will appear that will give you a clue to your future." Aeris leaned in and after a minute a skull, graveyard and the letters RIP appeared. "So?" she inquired of Goodgulf.

"Well it's pretty clear don't you think!" Goodgulf said. "But never mind," he added quickly as Aeris narrowed her eyes, "let's try the tarot cards." He shuffled and cut them with the ease of a card shark and placed them face down in front of her. "Pick the top one and lay it face up." Aeris dutifully did so and laid the card 'Death' on the table.

"Oh for fu…" she began but Goodgulf cut in hastily, "Don't worry. Death also means change and new directions." He replaced his reference book 'Tarot for Dummies' back under his cloak. "Pick another one."

With a sigh Aeris did so and placed another Death in front of her. "You know, Aeris it's getting a bit weird," Quistis said.

"Oh don't you start."

Goodgulf was eyeing the cards nervously. "You said the card doesn't necessarily mean death?" Aeris demanded.

"Yeah but there's only supposed to be one in the pack."

Aeris at this stage was fed up of Goodgulf's two-bit carnival show, "Let me see those cards, fork them over." She started reaching across the table but Goodgulf snatched the cards from her grasp and glinted at her from under hairy eyebrows. "Don't touch them!" he hissed, "You'll destroy the ancient mystical bond I have forged with them over eons…."

"Then why do they say 'Property of Gandalf' on the side?" Quistis said pointedly.

"And they look like blood stains..."

"They say and look nothing of the sort! Go get your eyesight checked." Goodgulf fixed them with a glare, looking as menacing as a hairy old man could. "Enough about the cards," he said with finality, tucking them away beneath his robes next to his 'magic wand'/backscratcher and a can of mace. "Come, let me squint into your future as clearly you can't see anything at all. Put your hand on the table, palm up." He motioned at Quistis who with a sigh and a look at Aeris carefully removed her glove and placed her hand on the table while trying to avoid the cola stains.

Stealthily he pulled 'Palm reading for Dummies' onto his lap while looking at Quistis' palm. "So am I going to meet a tall, dark stranger on a moonlit beach or what Merlin?"

"No but you will get entangled with an evil grey-haired Gary Stu soon."

"Ohh entangled. Sounds salacious." Quistis winked at Aeris, "So what he'll get a knot in his hair….Wait, hold on…you're not talking about Sephiroth are you?" She gulped and pulled her hand away before looking at the offending hand. When the lines in her palm didn't rearrange themselves in Sephiroth's likeness she glared at Goodgulf who held his own hands up in innocence. "Hey I'm just repeating what the book, I mean my superior psychic intellect said. But if things don't work out with Mr. Meteor then I'll be there for you on the rebound." He wiggled his eyebrows are emphasis.

Quistis stood up so fast the table overturned and was debating on whether or not to sock the aging codger before settling on a resounding **"No!!"** and storming out of the tent a giggling Aeris following. "You know where to find me," Goodgulf called after in forlorn hope. "The dumpster next to Bahamut's!"

* * *

Outside Quistis rounded on Aeris indignantly' "Can you believe that guy!?" 

"Don't take it seriously," Aeris said gently, "He's probably just lonely." Though lonely or not Aeris privately thought that Goodgulf could do with a swift kick up his fake magical behind.

"No not that. He insinuated that I have a thing with Sephiroth!" She waved her hands about as if batting away the idea.

"And you don't?" Aeris couldn't resist asking.

"No! And stop looking at me like that. Besides all that mystical stuff is a heap of mumbo-jumbo anyways. It's not going to happen." She laughed nervously.

"But the way this fic is going it's looking fairly unavoidable," Aeris pointed out. Quistis didn't like the sound of that and suddenly wished a plot-hole would swallow her up but just shrugged. The girls stood in silence taking in the carnival for a minute before a heavy, depressing feeling overcame them. Turning around they came face to face with Vincent who was rubbing his hands with glee and glinting at Aeris.

"Word around the school is that you're going to be worm food. No wait let me finish. If you would be so kind as bring your lovely and soon to be deceased self over to my fitting stall I'll fix you right up. And give you a low, low price too! Matter of fact it's so low it's six feet under. Ha ha ha. Ohh, laughing hurts. I've got the perfect one for you. It's dusky pink with a fur trim and flowers engraved…"

While Vincent was prattling on, caught up in his sales pitch Aeris was grinding her teeth and turning as red as her waistcoat. Quistis, seeing the warning signals retreated to a safe distance but Vincent who was now extolling the virtues of pay-per-view coffins and sneeze guards didn't think anything was wrong until Aeris foot connected with his jaw and he felt a few back teeth loosen.

"Owwww! Aeris look, I'll throw in the sneeze guard for free," he pleaded hopelessly. Aeris, still enraged launched a pile driver, drop kick and nutcracker on the would be salesman while shouting 'I'm not gonna die!' at the top of her lungs. Her mentor Tifa called out encouragement from the gathered crowd. However just as Aeris was picking up and preparing to hurl Goodgulf's snow globe Vincent suddenly bent over double, his arms wrapped around his middle.

Aeris dropped her weapon and ran over to the hunched form, "Vincent? Are you ok?" In answer he started glowing and pulsing with red light. Within a few seconds the light had consumed him with only a shadowy human shape perceivable in the middle.

"Woohoo he looks like my lava lamp!"

"Why couldn't he do that down in the Crypt? Then I'd be able to find my way to the toilet and not have to…"

"Hmm it's usually pink chocobos I see when I'm drunk."

"It's about time he turned into Chaos again," Cid whispered to Reno.

"Yep. It's always fun when that demon comes to town. He can hold his drink a lot better too…There he goes!"

In the middle of the gawking students Vincent was barely visible in the red glow, which had intensified. After a moment the light vanished and everyone craned forward to get a glimpse of the terrible Chaos.

"How cute!"

"That's just lame."

"Kimarhi coughed up scarier things than that."

"I think we all have."

Instead of a great winged beast a small black kitten wearing a red bandana and with its back paws in Vincent's shoes was mewling sadly. "I guess I'm a little out of practice," the kitten said in Vincent's voice. "Okay people nothing to see here, move along." When the crowd didn't move he said more loudly "Move!" and tried launching himself at the nearest gaping students but only succeeded in tangling himself up in his cape. This elicited more cries of "Ahh! How cute!" from the crowd.

Cid, though enjoying the sight of the once cool gunman humiliating himself so spectacularly and adorably decided it was time to take the situation in hand before furious feline Vincent accidentally neutered himself in anger. "Lulu. Tifa. Ye guys go in there and rescue the furball."

"And ruin the show?"

"He might be a pervy depressive but he's still ye're boss," Cid shot back, chewing his cigarette. "Get to it."

"Tch fine," Tifa shrugged her shoulders and started worming her way through the crowd. Lulu sighed and followed to where Vincent was trying to get his bandana, which had fallen over his eyes, off with his little paws.

Tifa bent down and waggled her finger in front of the kitten's nose. "We're here to rescue you itty bitty kitty."

"You know Vincent, that's a good look for you." Both women gazed down at their fuzzy boss.

"Please don't make me kill you," the kitten hissed but let Lulu pick him up gently. He immediately snuggled into her chest, mewling happily. Lulu though was less than impressed. She hauled him by the scruff of the neck to meet her eyes. "Does little moggy want to go play with the Moogles?"

"No," Vincent squeaked.

"Calm down Lulu," Tifa said throwing a wink at Vincent, "Baby animals always go for the warmest part in a body. It relaxes them."

"Yeah that's right….My animal instincts overpowered me." Bracing his paws against Lulu's shoulders Vincent reached up and pressed his nose lightly against her mouth then mewled. This had the desired effect as her face immediately softened. "Okay, but don't get too comfortable. And tell me if you need to use the litter tray."

"This is so humiliating."

* * *

Cid squinted after the students who were now all relocating to the Crypt, no doubt intrigued as to how Vincent could run a bar and serve drinks with no opposable thumbs. "I have no idea how he managed to transform into a kitten. Maybe it's his Limit Break when he needs to charm the ladies." 

"Man it'd be great if I could transform," Reno said wistfully.

"Maybe you could transform into something with a work ethic."

"Only if you turn into something with morals."

Cid laughed loudly, "That'll be the day. Sephiroth will end up sending Aeris to the great flower field in the sky before that happens."

"Actually I wouldn't mind turning into an ant. They have a work ethic and…"

"Shut up Reno."

* * *

Since their spectacular meltdowns at the end of the last chapter Squall was still nowhere to be found but Sephiroth was lurching around the school halls trying to remember his way back to the dorm after downing the contents of Rude's hip flask. "It's about time this clothes did something for me rather than make me look like I shop at Hot Topic," he muttered while leaning against a doorjamb and rearranging his coat. While he was slightly inebriated Beatrix predictably tried the moves on him. He was saved from her hand going lower than his belt buckle by his metal cummerbund, which had snapped off in her face. He had fled leaving her with a bloody nose. 

"Would it be so hard to give me a freakin' shirt?" He had lately taken to wearing a long silver scarf that Loz had knitted. Not only did it keep the heat in but also prevented Mario from staring at his pecs like they were some sort of religious icons. Straightening he made his way towards a voice that was coming from a nearby rooms and poked his head in the door.

"Listen there's someone I need you to take care of," Squall whispered down the phone. On seeing Sephiroth at the door he quickly backtracked. "Yeah that'll be two pepperoni pizzas, a garlic bread and a tub of vanilla ice cream. You have my details." He slammed down the phone then turned and glared at the silver haired man. "The counseling office is closed."

"Could you get your friend to do a job for me and make it look like I did it?" Sephiroth smiled and sat down on the desk. Squall crossed his arms and turned his back, looking out the window. "Or maybe you could give me some advice?" Sephiroth continued, ignoring the chilly reception but thinking about kicking the little upstart out the window. "Every minute I spend here is fraught with danger," he started dramatically. "Between getting harassed, molested or restyled most of my time is spent trying to kill a flouncy flower girl with no battle abilities yet who bests me every time." He paused for dramatic effect and pulled a 'woe is me' face. "And, and this is the important bit, my so called 'nemesis' makes falling out of bed look difficult…I guess that's what I get for being the best character ever." He sighed heavily then laughed smugly while Squall rolled his eyes and thought about telling the pompous ass to go jump off a high building.

"Are you listening to me…?" Sephiroth asked, miffed that he was being ignored but stopped when he saw the teen's shoulders shaking. Before Sephiroth could ask whether he was having a seizure Squall suddenly spun around and pushed his face into Sephiroth's.

"**You think you've got it so bad! Huh? Well at least you don't have to deal with Rinoa! That crazy blue wearing… thing…You just don't understand at all you crazy black wearing…thing!"**

"Um Squall, maybe you should calm down." Sephiroth backed away in alarm. "I think Lesley left something lying around here." The teacher had recently switched from Prozac to Valium after deciding he was getting sick of the latter.

"**I am calm!," **he shrieked. **" That's me! Mr. Strong but Silent. I have to be! Through the whole damn game! Ohh they all say she's a little high spirited, a little high-strung. Yeah, well I'd to see her high-strung from that tree over there! Guess how many times I have to save her? Go on guess!"**

"Uh…4?"

"**No…lots! Lots is a number isn't it?" **He bent over and slapped his thighs hysterically. **"And you know what I have to do at the end? I have to..ki…ki…****KISS ****her! Isn't that super? Isn't it swell?"**

"I guess so…"**  
**

"**And you have a super special awesome day with knobs on it too!" **Taking a running start Squall jumped and leapt out the window in a shatter of glass while Sephiroth watched open mouthed. **"With knobs on it!" **he shouted as he fell. **"I'm Batman, come fly with me!"** Sephiroth stood at the window as the teen raced across the garden, hurdling bushes as he went and shrieking like a chocobo in heat. A knock on the door made him turn and a man in a balaclava carrying two pizzas and a paper bag came in.

"Got your stuff," he said then placed it down on the table when Sephiroth just stared at him.

"Wait you're the assassin," he said finally.

"Yeah, I run a pizza delivery service on the side. Assassinos, not affiliated with Dominos by the way. Here's our card." Before Sephiroth could react, a throwing star zipped across the room and landed in the wall by his head. By the time he had extracted it the black clad man outside and speeding away on his revved up mountain bike. Seeing as Squall had offered him no advice, lousy or not he decided to help himself to the pizzas. He was midway through the second one when he realized he forgot to ask the assassin what would the likelihood be of a certain flower girl pushing up daisies rather than selling them.

* * *

"Get your hand out of the till!" A furious Vincent shrieked and launched himself towards Rude. 

"Ow, jeez okay" Rude extracted his bloody hand. "Just making sure I got the right change."

"You have a tab Rude," the kitten hissed.

After a few initial hiccups the novelty of Vincent trying to run a bar as a cat had worn off and the students were settling themselves down to the important business of getting completely ossified.

Surveying the scene, glass in hand Cid was struck by an idea. "Maybe I should forget about all those boring, tedious exams. And settle their grades at the end of the year with a drinking competition. Wha' do ya think Vinny?"

"I think you're trying to get out of doing the paperwork," he said while cleaning out a glass with his tail. "But it doesn't matter what I think, you're going to go ahead with it anyway. After all nothing says 'I'm a Final Fantasy character' like irreversible liver failure.'

"I knew you'd see things my way." He watched Vincent clean out the glass for a moment before adding, "You could call a drink Flea and Tonic."

"Very witty. Here, Lulu fill this up. Cid can have the first taste."

"Ahh thanks Vinny." He took the drink, which had tiny black specks floating in it and drained it, smacking his lips. "Mmm chewy."

* * *

Loz glanced around the packed room from their seats in the snug, "I wonder where he's got to." 

"Who? Sephiroth?" Yazoo rolled his eyes. "He can take care of himself. Look he even managed to beat up a girl." At Loz's blank look he nodded towards Beatrix and her red nose. "Nothing says 'I'm so macho' like socking a girl on the nose."

Loz stared at his brother, who sipped his drink airily, and passed a drink to Kadaj who because of the crush was relegated/forced under the table. "'Bout time," he moaned. "Yazoo, you mind not using me as a foot stool?"

"That's not gonna happen anytime soon. Your bro' is having a bit of a hissy fit."

"What a drama clone. Oww watch it! Last time I checked I needed my spine."

Yazoo stopped kicking Kadaj long enough to turn and glare at his older brother. "Hissy fit? I badmouth Sephiroth once and you think I'm throwing a wobbly? Please. Does everyone around here kiss his Vaseline covered ass?"

"Since when did he start usin- Gah!" Kadaj's voice was cut off by Yazoo's boot but he piped up a moment later. "Maybe you should borrow some too. That trench and thong combo isn't doing your legs any favours."

A shout and a scuffle later and the entire student body were afforded the view of Kadaj flying dart like out the door. "Oh for the love of Titan's loincloth," Vincent cried over the breaking of gnomes.

Back in the snug Loz sighed heavily. He was beginning to get the feeling that it was his duty to keep his brothers from knocking the Jenova cells out of each other. "Methinks you are a little bit jealous of Sephiroth," he said gently to Yazoo hoping to placate him but of course his brother immediately bristled.

"Methinks thinking is not a good look for you. And my problem with our girl haired older sibling is own of your business so you keep your nose out of it and you…get to…keep your nose…Yeah that's right."

"Hmm you nearly had me there Yaz, fell apart a bit at the end but a worthy impersonation none the less. And you'd want take note of your own glossy, flowing locks before you insult someone's hair style." Loz leaned back and surveyed his petulant brother. Either Hojo must have added one of Diana Ross's hairs into the mix or Yazoo was taking after school lessons with Miss Alex in how to be an insufferable diva.

Flushed, Yazoo went on the attack, "You think you're so manly with your sideburns and big chest and deep voice and looking like a man. Well you'll never know the hard ship that comes with been mistaking for a girl."

"Give it a rest," came Freya's voice. "Most of the guys in this room couldn't grow a moustache."

"Mind if we squeeze in?" Without waiting for an answer Garnet wedged herself in beside Loz squashing Yazoo into the dividing between the snugs. He yelped and fidgeted as his underwear was going on a forbidden pilgrimage up his ass.

Aeris came over dragging two stools. "It's a bit packed at the bar," she said by way of apology. "And here isn't?" Loz asked.

"You don't mind." A black-gloved hand placed a measure of toxic stuff on the table. Loz glanced up at Quistis. "I can sit on your lap," she said in a voice that commanded not requested. "Eh okay," he wheezed and Yazoo sniffed pointedly.

"Isn't it nice having a drink without having to worry about being impaled?" Aeris sipped her drink daintily and smiled at Quistis who was wedged onto an uncomfortable looking Loz's lap. She appeared not to notice this and carried on an animated conversation with Freya.

"Is that for me?" Yazoo enquired hopefully and pointed at the glass Quistis had set down.

"Nope," Garnet answered, "So get your beady, dilated eyes off it. I'm thinking of giving it to Beatrix. She looks like she needs it."

"She probably got too enthusiastic kissing a wall," Freya cut in.

"Yeah it's the only thing that doesn't run from her," Aeris giggled.

"Actually Sephiroth did that," Yazoo said casually, hoping that it'd shock them.

Immediately his face fell when Freya said, "Good for him. Somebody had to put her in her place."

"Where is Sephiroth? I haven't seen him in awhile come to think of it. Tifa taught me a new move I wanna try out."

"Maybe he finally took my advice and jumped in the lake. Though I doubt it. He'd never do us the favour," Quistis said heatedly causing everyone to stare at her.

"Harsh Quistis, harsh. I thought you liked those verbal tête-à-têtes with my brother."

"You can cram your tete-a whatever Loz," Yazoo sniped. "Here you can sit on my lap if you want." He wriggled a bit and made to draw her over then stopped. "Maybe not," he gasped a bit painfully.

"Oh she's just a bit antsy because Goodgulf predicted she'd end up with Sephiroth," Aeris blurted out. Ignoring the daggers her friend was shooting at her she continued, "I told her not to worry but personally I'd think they'd make a good couple." She beamed at Quistis as if she'd just given her the greatest present in the world. Quistis for her part looked like she'd rather be on the business end of a Tonberry's knife than here and was silently contemplating what to do with her sweet but tactless friend. Freya and Garnet wore expressions of interest and alarm respectively and Loz was looking embarrassed. Yazoo was struggling to swallow the bile in his throat. He finally broke the awkward silence by leaning over and taking her hand. "Listen Quis, I'd do anything, **anything** to make sure to don't end up with him. Murder, blackmail, kidknapping. I'll…"

"Um, yeah thanks…Yaz," Quistis replied, slowly easing her hand out. The earnestness in his voice unnerved her.

"Everybody get their skinny asses to the field!" Cid's booming voice jolted them. "The fair's ready," he shouted over the groans of dread. "Better kiss yere fingers goodbye because chances are a few of ye will end up as statisitics. Every ride except the ambulance is free."

"Woohoo, I want to go on that first!"

"You heard the man! Let's move." Quistis stood up quickly, knocked over a few drinks and pelted out the door towing Aeris. "Ow Quis. Bye guys!"

"You coming?" Freya asked at the door. "If being around you is always this entertaining I'm forcing my way into your group.

Loz smiled ruefully, "It's your funeral. We'll catch up later. Gotta locate a certain someone first. See ya."

"Ohh goody."

"Could you not be a whinger for 5 minutes? Maybe we should take Kadaj to the infirmary first." Loz picked him out of a pile of smashed gnomes and slung him over his shoulder.

"So you want to kill him now?"

"Meee momo me mo," Kadaj said.

"See, he's fine. And the fall improved his vocabulary."

Loz rolled his eyes but decided not to pursue the matter further. "Okay. So we look. Where do you think Sephiroth would be? And don't say 'Hopefully in a better place."'

"Well after getting the hands on treatment from Beatrix he's probably want to go moan and whine to someone."

"The counsellor's office?" a fully recovered Kadaj piped up. "Can't remember where it is."

"I know where it is. Yesterday Reno and Rude got me to dump a golden fleece, a sword, a ring and a copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail in there."

"Okay so we go there. One question Loz though. Where in the name of Odin's droopy chest wig did you learn the word 'tete-a-tete'?"

"The janitors Word a day calender bro'. Got loads of long, complicated words on it."

"Yeah well don't use them anymore. It's scary and a hazard to your brain if you use words that are bigger then you are."

"I love you too Yaz."

* * *

In the counseling room they found a very unhappy and bloated Sephiroth surrounded by pizza debris. Beside him was a pepperoni encrusted Masamune. And across from him was his metal belt. Judging from the crack in Rudes fake heart surgeon diploma it had pinged off with some force. 

"You're some pig," Yazoo said disdainfully. "All your fangirls would go off you if they could see you like this." He slapped his palms to his cheeks in mock horror, "And what a shame that would be!"

"It eases the pain," Sephiroth moaned causing his brother to roll his eyes. "My tummy hurts."

"Your tummy hurts?" Yazoo at this stage was thoroughly enjoying his brother's pain.

"I mean my stomach, I mean abdomen…I mean the area of disembowelment."

Loz picked up the belt and handed it to Sephiroth, "What are we going to do? I don't think Cure is the right spell for this and we're expected at the fair."

Kadaj, who was reading a pamphlet entitled 'How to perform laser surgery on your own eyes', looked up, "Big deal. We miss out on getting our teeth knocked out and our coccyx broken," he added with a sidelong glance at Yazoo.

"We also miss out on getting our social interaction mark and having to spend another year here," Loz explained. "What a load of Moogles pompoms," Kadaj muttered viciously at this news.

"How about we dump Mr. Blobby in a wheelbarrow and parade him around the school, making sure everyone gets a good look?"

"I'm going to kill you later Yazoo."

"I fail to see the threat."

"How about Esuna?" Kadaj pointed at the article. Loz pulled a dubious face while Sephiroth started moaning again just in case they forgot he was still on the floor. "You are so incompetent. Mother would never let me suffer like this."

"Yeah well Mother isn't here…" Kadaj began only to be immediately cut off by Jenova's voice. _"Yes my dear child? My greatest accomplishment, my favourite son?"_

"We're right here Mother ya know," Loz said.

"_And you are?" _Jenova cackled. _"Now my Sephykins what do you want?"_ Sephiroth threw his brothers, who were gagging at the pet name, a smug look. "Mother, my tummy hurts."

"_Your tummy hurts? Oh my poor boy…my poor boy." _Sephiroths smugness was replaced by shock when Jenova started screaming in his mind. _"Your tummy hurts! No wonder you fat git. You always were a chubby child. Like an obese hippo in a romper suit! And you ran like a fat gazelle!" _With a final flourish she slapped him resoundly, sending him shooting across the room, smashing into the empty bookcase. Yazoo, Loz and Kadaj stood stock still, not daring to breathe less Jenova turn her ire on them. After a few moments they realized she was gone and went across the messy room to their eldest brother who was again moaning pitifully.

"She hit me. Me!"

"So we noticed. And she is an evil alien you know. C'mon Loz, cast Esuna I'm getting a bit sick of this."

"Yeah," Kadaj agreed, stifling a yawn, "Funny."

Loz thought for a bit then waved his hands in a stupid way around his head. After a moment green sparkles materialized and landed on Sephiroth. In a few minutes he stood up, slim again and buckled on his belt. "Thanks Loz."

"You can buy me a drink. Let's go."

* * *

"It doesn't look half bad," Tifa said with surprise as Aeris, Quistis, Lulu and herself gazed at the fair in the sunshine. 

Lulu looked around, taking in the smoking and shaking contraptions. Cid had spared no expense, hiring nearly legal Moogles from his sweatshop out back who assembled the whole thing in a day. There was Yojimbos comedy shack,which was one of the few things that wasn't smoking but Lulu had a feeling that by the end of the day it would be. Beside that was 'The House of Horrors' which appeared to be a tour of Odins and Vincent's rooms with a few pictures of Cid in his underwear for extra shock value. At the back Leviathan's pool was being used as a water ride without the summons permission and a 'Tunnel of love. The 'Whirlpool of Death' was Bahamut's toilet and a creaking rollercoaster looking like it was made out of ball bearings and duct tape sat next to a few stalls manned by the teachers. The centre piece however was a giant rattling construction called 'The Decapitator'. "What are you on about?"

"I was expecting a smoking hole in the ground considering the janitors were the chief engineers of this."

"When you say it that way."

Tifa grabbed Aeris's arm and started hauling her towards a ride called The Spinner, "I wanna have a go on that."

"But that's just Shiva's washing machine..."

"You know the drill," Quistis called after them, "any sign of You-Know-Who and you tell me, okay?"

"Are you always this paranoid when you're stressed?" Lulu asked pointedly.

"I'm just taking precautions. Sensible precautions."

"I think the lady protests too much. Ohh I think I hear something!" Lulu laughed as Quistis dived into a nearby bush only to roll out again immediately after.

"Squall! What are you doing?"

Squall stood up, his clothes tattered, his face covered in mud and his fur trimmed jacket wrapped around his head turban style. "I'm Batman. Come fly with me!" He hurdled the bush and started running towards Bahamut'a house "To the Batcave Robin!"

"I knew he'd crack someday." Sephiroth's voice came from behind the open mouthed girls. Quistis quickly recovered and jumped headlong back into the hedge. "I know you're in there Quistis. Shall I just ignore you?"

"Yes please." Quisitis couldn't see him but it sounded like he was smiling. She suddenly felt very stupid and vulnerable but her stubborness made her stay in that damn hedge.

"The fair doesn't look half bad," Loz said.

"That's what Tifa said too."

"Where's Aeris?" Sephiroth was hoping that he could coerce her onto the Decapitator. Then he'd stab her while she was trapped in the seat.

"None of your business," Lulu said harshly taking in Sephiroth's evil grin and slightly glazed eyes. "And whatever you're hatching forget it. Try anything and I'll do the unimaginable."

Sephiroth snorted in disbelief, "And what would that be?"

"I'd refuse to serve you at the bar. And I'd tell the others to do likewise," she said with superb disdain. The look of utmost horror on his face at her words put her in a good mood. "Let's go enjoy the fair shall we everyone?" She hauled a red faced Quistis out of her hiding place.

"C'mon Kadaj," Loz called back as the group moved off. Yazoo fell into step with the girls while a sheepish Sephiroth followed behind.

"Hang on. Will you just sign this will for me?"

* * *

"I had a such an awesome time at the fair yesterday!," Yuffie said around the breakfast table that morning. "Hey Rikku could you pass the butter? My bandages are in the way. Oh and could you also spread it on my toast and then feed me?" 

"I don't know," Cloud commented from a nearby table. "I thought it was kinda boring."

"Yeah nothing happened," Tidus agreed nodding his head stupidly.

"Nothing except uh maybe the FAIR BURNING DOWN!" Paine shrieked.

"And Vivi getting sucked into the Whirlpool of Death," Amarant added.

"And some strange man following me around," Rinoa said in confusion. "He kept pointing a gun at me. It wasn't shiny at all!"

"Maybe some stuff did happen I guess," Cloud conceded.

"Let's not forget Lucy turning up." Auron shook his head, downed his morning shot and shivered.

"Kimahri not forget that for a long time."

"How many Mothers do they have?" Freya asked rubbing her temples.

"I...don't...know," Yuna said sceptically. "She...didn't...look...like...an...alien."

"Whatever or whoever she is I thought Cid was going to have an aneurysm when she showed up.."

* * *

Up in the esteemed Principal's office Cid was having not one but several hernias. Not only was some strange woman turning up a major breach of protocol but after he realised she wasn't a reporter or health inspector he would be obliged to let her stay until transport to get her the hell away from the school arrived. He'd instructed the Turks to hide any incriminating evidence. The school had never looked to clean or empty in years. But all this paled in comparison to finding out that this dreadlocked, bead wearing, strange smelling creature was the brothers mother. One of them anyways. "Ms Lucrecia could you please sit down?" he asked as gently as he could. He was sure she was the alien one and was making sure he wasn't giving her any excuse to probe him. If she was better looking it might have been a different story. 

"Oh of course," she said breathlessly. "I was just realigning the cosmic influences of the room and pushing out all the negativity." She plonked down on a chair and carefully rearranged her patchwork skirt which to Cid's eyes looked like it was made out of sacking cloth and dog hairs. "And please call me Lucy. The boy's always do." She beamed at them fondly with a lopsided grin.

'The boys' however did not return the grin but shifted further away in their chairs. The arrival of Lucrecia didn't auger well. They were all thinking 'If she's here does that mean...?'

"I think it'd be better if you put Lucy up in your dorm for now," Cid said. He was going to stuff her in a closet as soon as Reno and Rude had finished spraying for bugs. "Try not to draw too much attention to her if ye can."

"Are you serious?" Yazoo asked in disbelief. "Attention follows us everywhere and you think our mother turning up is going to..."

"Just shove her in the bathroom or something." Cid was pissed off and wanted to be rid of the dysfunctional family circus as soon as possible. "Now scram!"

* * *

Out in the hall they quickly started herding Lucrecia towards their dorm. "Wow this is great," she beamed as they dragged her along. "I finally get to see your rooms! You always kicked me out at home. I think we'll have a real spiritual connection and I shall unwind your chakras and we shall become..." 

"What the Hades is a chakra?" Kadaj asked. "Sounds like a disease."

"Lucy, shut up a minute," Sephiroth said gruffly and ducked his head as they passed Quistis, Aeris and Tifa in the hall. But she continued talking,"I feel that your life will end soon," she said to a bewildered Aeris as they rushed past.

"Mum just be quiet for a second and don't touch anything." Loz quickly unlocked the door and they all pushed inside. As soon as the door closed the brothers leaned gratefully against it.

"I think I need to feng shui," Lucy said seriously gazing around.

"The toilet's that way," Loz pointed to the door on the far wall.

"Oh no silly! I mean..." Her words were suddenly cut off as the intercom crackled into life and Cid's voice, shaking with rage roared over it.

"Could those girl haired poncing bishies go to the front of the school now!!"

* * *

"So what do you think they've done now?" 

Aeris chuckled. "At this stage it might just be another relative turning up."

"You don't think…"

"I mean what are the chances."

"It's probably Mario trying to put up a shrine or something…" Quistis shrugged and waved her hand towards the stairs, "But just in case… Maybe we should just go see."

Aeris grinned. "You're right I've never heard Cid so pissed before. What if they have a sister???"

The pair started laughing hysterically, that was then when Tifa sprinted into the room with an out of breathe Yuna behind her.

"You –gasp-… are… not… -deep breath- gonna… believe… it…"

Both Quistis and Aeris looked at Freya and Garnet who ran in after Tifa and Yuna looking as if Vincent had decided to give out free drinks for the rest of the year.

Just as Yuna took another lungful of air Aeris turned to Tifa. "Explain."

"Their Mother is here!!"

Quistis quirked an eyebrow, "We know she turned up last night handing out love beads."

Tifa smirked even wider. "Their other Mother."

Aeris' hand smacked against Quistis' arm, "No way. This is too good. This I have got to see."

"You should see Cid's face he looks like he's going to explode." Garnet was grinning so widely her molars could be seen.

Freya was hopping from foot to foot. "What are we waiting for!?!"

With that all six ran to the front of the school.

* * *

"He doesn't sound too happy." 

Yazoo groaned and shoved his hands through his hair. Sephiroth strode to the window and peered out. "Why is everyone else out there?"

"Who knows? Are we allowed to bring Lucy with us?"

Lucy looked up from rummaging through her bag. "Why wouldn't I be allowed?"

She began to rummage again as the four brothers shared an uneasy glance with each other. The last thing any of them wanted to do was have to introduce Lucy to the rest of the school. They began furiously pointing at each other to see which one would have to stay behind and mind one of their Mothers. Just as they were about to draw straws Lucy's cry of "Eureka! I found it," surprised them all.

Loz put a hand on her shoulder. "Found what?"

"My aura cleansing kit of course." At their dumbfounded looks she smiled widely and continued. "Your principal is so stressed out I knew it was only a matter of time before he ended up getting angry. So I'm going to help return his aura to a nice neutral state… or maybe if I choose the calming effects of…"

"No…" Lucy turned her wide eyes towards Yazoo. "No. And don't even start with those puppy dog eyes either." Sighing he turned to his brothers. "Can we just get this over with… They've already seen her at least it's not… you know who…"

"Voldemort! Yazoo Dumbledore always says… muffle megwaahhhhh…" Kadaj nearly choked on the pillows thrown at him.

Lucy frowned at the other three. "Now boys play nice, you are brothers. Kadaj are you alright? Would you like me to…"

The sound of a trusty pellet gun going off by the front of the school told the brothers that whatever was out there was bad enough to hurry. Sephiroth grabbed Lucy's arm. "C'mon this does not sound like good news. Not that anything in this godforsaken place ever does."

* * *

The sight that greeted them when they got to the front of the school made them want to see the inside of Bahamut's intestinal tract with Yojimbo as the tour guide and entertainment. 

"Seph…"

"Yaz we're going to die aren't we?"

"Looks that way Kadaj."

"Boys! It seems I'm not the only one who missed you. Look who else came to visit?"

Sephiroth grimaced at the sight before him. "Mother."

Standing in all her high-heeled designer suited glory, with her hair slicked back in a tight bun and her suitcases stacked neatly beside her stood Jenova. Slipping a cigarette from her platinum holder and striking a match off of Rude's head Jenova lit her cigarette.

One breath and she had smoked the entire thing she smirked. "Boys… prostrate yourselves at least. Now aren't you glad Mother has come to visit!"

Everyone else present started hacking on the smoke that accompanied her sentence. All except for Cid whose habit allowed a tolerance and a certain awe for the master chain-smoking alien before him.

"Jenny!! I didn't know you were coming too? If I did we could have cycled together. I've always wanted a tandem bicycle but you know Hojo he's got no time for anything outside of the lab." Lucy chuckled and smiled brightly at Jenova.

Sephiroth wanted to be anywhere but here. Glancing around at the slack jawed faces of the rest of the school's inhabitants he had a feeling it was about to get much much worse. He could only hope to distract Jenova before she tried to kill Lucy. He could see the vein in her forehead pulsing, her eyes had begun to glow and a snarl was forming on her lips. One glance at his brothers and he knew they were thinking the same thing.

"Mother how kind of you to stop by. We were unaware that both you and Lucy wished to visit us."

"It's like being home again… except we're not in the lab and the smell of chemicals is non existent here…" Lucy cast a glance in the direction of Bahamut's hut and wrinkled her nose. "… Well almost non-existent."

Sephiroth dragged the other three to stand before Jenova.

"Mother"

"No more 'tummy' problems. Suck it up and grow a pair. You've gotten soft."

"She must have heard about Barrett's medical treatments." Loz whispered to Yazoo and Kadaj.

"Mother."

"Yazoo. Effeminate as always."

"Mother."

"Kadaj. Still too puny."

"Mother"

"Lozzy. Mother's thirsty. Does this cess pit have a place for me to get anything besides a bad case of ecoli."

The brothers glanced at the school and sighed. Sephiroth wearily rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Yes Mother."

Jenova snapped her fingers in Reno's face. "You bell boy take my bags."

"Listen lady… err… alien lady. I'm not the bell boy." Jenova's glare made Reno gulp. "But I've worked as worse so…" Reno, Rude and Auron grabbed Jenova's bags and looked helplessly at Cid for where to put them.

"Listen I'm not running a hotel here. This is a damn school do you lot not fecking well understand that! I hear there's a nice hostel down the road, not too many bugs and a good rate so… why don't we just put you up in the staff section. There are rooms free and I'm too sober and my nicotine intake is too low to be dealing with crap like this."

Jenova stopped glaring at Cid and her eyes' stopped glowing. She smirked with satisfaction as she looked at the terrified faces of the students, enjoying the fear rolling off them in waves. She pointedly looked at her sons, _"And that my boys is how it's done."_

Cid turned to the brothers, "Get ye're other ma's stuff and lump it in the room next to hers." He jerked his thumb at Jenova. "You got any other bloody relatives I need to know about."

Sephiroth winced as he thought about Hojo and the creations that came from his lab. "You're better off not knowing." He turned and offered his arm to Jenova and escorted her inside.

Lucy took hold of Yazoo's arm. "We should have a picnic. Now that most of the family is here." She continued to prattle on as Yazoo dragged her inside and Loz and Kadaj had gone off to get her bags.

* * *

The rest of the school stood outside and just stared after them. Cid rubbed his face wearily. "That damned bar better be opened." With that he turned and disappeared into the Crypt. Most of the staff joined him. 

Mario turned to Fabio and Miss Alex. "When the first one turned up, I was worried. I'll admit it, she looks like she barely even knows what a brush is… but this one… can you say FAB-U-LOUS!!! The entire package, immaculate suit and hair."

Miss Alex nodded. "Mmmhmmm and did you see those shoes?"

"She's definitely not the type to spend all day at home in a robe with curlers in her hair." Fabio chimed in and all three laughed at the idea before heading back to their section of the school with Edie and Rinni.

The students however still stood there blinking in shock but once the teachers had left they turned to each other and started talking all at once.

"I can't believe it."

"She is scary. Did you see when she got mad?"

"Woohoo scared and unshiny."

"But her eyes were shiny."

"Like really shiny and bright. I wanted them."

"Her suit needs glitter."

"She needs some clips for her hair too!!"

"She could teach those how to be a villain classes in her sleep."

"Does evil sleep?

"Kimahri so scared Kimahri nearly wet Kimahri!"

"That… was… unbelievable…"

"She was just so so…"

"Compared to their other mother I'd take love beads and dreads any day."

"Uh-huh. She's way too freaky."

"Can you imagine growing up with that???"

"It explains them a bit better though."

"With mothers like that there was no chance any of them were going to be even close to normal."

"Makes you wonder what the father is like!"

"Is it only one father or are there more?"

"Now that's a scary thought!"

"Right so anyone else care to drink this day out of their memories too?"

With those words the students followed the staffs' lead to the Crypt to drink in sympathy of now being stuck in a hellhole of a school with a hippy mother and a freaky alien mother who looks ready to kill at any second.

* * *

Having spent the evening convincing Lucy that it would be better to leave Jenova rest rather than trying to help her feng shui her room, the brothers returned to the task of finding out exactly what to do with both of their mothers. Once Loz had sufficiently stocked Jenova full of martinis and she was lounging about the room in her robe and curlers thinking up ways to enslave the world they felt safe enough to return to their room. As they passed the Crypt they were sorely tempted to join the oblivion but felt that a plan to rid them selves of their mothers was more important, it was one of the hardest decisions to make of their lives.

"So Seph what now?" Loz glanced at his older brother while Yazoo buried his head in a pillow and screamed. Kadaj just stared fearfully at the door and jumped at the slightest noise knowing that either mother could be there.

"We phone the one person who has the most experience with both of them."

This resulted in ten minutes of trying to understand the latest creation of Hojo's that he invented as a personal assistant. He forgot to make it intelligent enough to have a conversation which made it rather difficult to get their message across. Eventually Hojo got annoyed by their constant ringing and the phone was answered to a barrage of swear words. Once they had explained exactly what happened and how they were now stuck with both of them the only response besides Hojo's hysterical laughter was "Best of luck. You're going to need it!" With those words of wisdom he hung up on them.

Yazoo looked aghast. "Well this is just bloody marvelous. How wonderful!! Not only are we now stuck with both of them the one person that normally manages to get them to abide fairly peacefully under one roof has just washed his hands of us!"

Loz sighed. "We're screwed. Lucy we could have dealt with but Jenova…"

"Now it's both of them." Kadaj whimpered from under his bed.

"We'll figure something out. I'm loathe to say this but my favorite part of this school was being away from home."

"_Hello boys."_

"Mother we are in the same building. Is something wrong with your legs that you can't walk."

"_My little Sephykins is all grumpy!! Don't you dare take that tone with me again boy. Now I just wanted to let you all know I expect you to sleep we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I want to know everything about this place –slurp- Lozzy have a fresh round waiting for me in the morning. You all know what I'm like without my drinks in the morning."_

"Night Mother."

With that all four looked at each other and sighed tomorrow was going to be excruciating.

* * *

When the alarm went off in the morning the usual hung over curses and death threats resounded throughout the school except in one of the students' room. 

"Yazoo move it or loose it. I have got to get the olives into the glasses you know what she's like."

"Oh shove it you don't walk around with a permanent wedgie do you… no so don't you start on at me about bleeding OLIVES!!"

Loz glared at Yazoo. "I know you're not a morning person but one word should remind you… MOTHER!!!"

Yazoo's head snapped up so fast Kadaj had red welts from where Yazoo's hair whipped across his face.

"Ow. What the…?"

"You mean it wasn't a nightmare… It's real… I don't have a massive hang over and I imagined the whole thing."

Loz had moved passed Yazoo once he found enough room and ran to serve Jenova as the alarm was bound to have woken her. Unless Cid had grown a brain cell and… Loz ran faster.

Yazoo was still muttering to himself when Sephiroth decided to haul him up by the collar and shake him vigorously. "Pull it together. Now of all times is not the time to loose it."

Kadaj who was blinking rapidly from Yazoo's hair lashing stared blearily in the direction he thought his brothers were. "Seph what exactly are we going to do about both of them?"

Sephiroth dropped Yazoo ungraciously to the floor and just as he was about to answer Loz came bursting in. "We have to hurry, Lucy and Mother are awake and are hungry." Looking at his brothers' faces, Loz groaned. "That means breakfast… in the hall… with everyone else."

All four looked at each other before making a mad dash for the hall. All they succeeded in doing was getting caught in the doorway.

"Move your ass out of my face."

"You'd think with the amount of Vaseline we use to get into these damn things we'd slip out."

"Let's not talk about being greased up and slipping over each other. Although it should get us out of here."

"Pass the Vaseline."

"Lucky everyone's still in their rooms…"

With that one of the nearby rooms opened.

"You just had to say that didn't you?"

"Not them anyone but them."

"We're never going to hear the end of this."

* * *

That morning Tifa woke up head first in her duvet with the buttons closed. "What the heck?" She tried to open them with her toes but that was as effective as Rude sober. With some serious wiggling she managed to right herself but not before rolling right off the bed and onto the floor. A floor that happened to be soft and groaned in pain when she landed on it. Once she had managed to get out Tifa blinked at the toes of the person she was still lying on. 

"You mind getting off me." Quistis croaked and tried to pry her eyes open. Unfortunately her mascara had glued her eyes together.

"What are you wearing?"

As she had managed to get her eyes open Quistis glanced at her body. "Apparently everything I own… what's up with your face?"

"Is it still there? I can't feel it."

"It's purple!?!"

"Huh!!!" Tifa stumbled towards the mirror and ended up tripping over her own feet and found herself sprawled across Aeris' lap. "What the??"

Aeris jerked awake. "Fluffy lumps… potted rivers… uhhh… Tifa? You're purple."

Tifa extricated herself with the grace of a drunken elephant. "Seems to happen a lot this morning." She then continued on her trek to find the mirror and managed to hit every object in the room on the way.

Quistis giggled then clutched her head in agony. "I don't remember ever being this hung over, we really overdid it last night."

"I concur. Why am I sleeping in a suitcase on the floor and not in my bed?" Aeris glanced over at Quistis. "Quist, what are you wearing?"

"All my clothes." She pulled off a pink bow and a white top with two very obvious dents in the front. "Yours and Tifa's too it seems. As to why we're on the floor beats me."

Tifa crawled back into the room. "It appears we generously allowed our guests to stay in our beds."

"Guests!?!" Aeris struggled to get up.

Quistis didn't even try as she could tell bending in the amount of clothes she was in was impossible. "Who's here?"

"Well I shared my bed with Ultimecia, Freya, Garnet and Lulu." Pointing at Aeris' bed she continued, "Zell Tidus and Cloud are spooning there while Seifer and Irvine are in the wardrobes. Your bed Quist is occupied by Squall, Baralai, Nooj and Gippal all wearing tinfoils hats and oven mitts." Glancing up she waved at the cocoon shape. "Yuna made a hammock out of the curtains and Kimahri and Wakka are asleep in the bath tub, while Zidane is curled up in the sink."

Aeris blinked while Quistis tried to raise an arm. "A little help for the overturned turtle."

Tifa pulled Aeris out first and then they rolled Quistis upright.

"So how do we get this lot out?"

A whole lot of swearing, poking, kicking and sneaky photo taking and video taping for blackmailing purposes and everyone was up making their way back to their own rooms. The girls then went about putting their room to right and getting ready. Once they had managed that the alarm went off.

"You mean we were conscious before that went off? What time is it?"

"Breakfast time, which means coffee." Quistis grinned at the thought of caffine.

Aeris snorted. "With the schools latest visitors this should be interesting."

The three heard a commotion and then some raised voices. They stepped outside their door and gaped at the sight before them.

"Morning. Sleep well?"

"I knew you guys were messed up but still rubbing each other with Vaseline and puppy piling in a doorway is a bit kinky, especially this early in the morning."

Four glares were shot Quistis' way as Tifa and Aeris dashed back into their own room. "You and your harpy sisters could help!"

"Ever the charmer aren't you Sephiroth?" Taking a peak at what the girls were doing back in the room Quistis smothered a smile before turning back to the brothers. "Besides my fellow harpies and I have a better idea about what to do in this situation."

Catching the camera tossed to her the girls proceeded to document the brothers' humiliation. Catcalling them to "Work it," "Pose for me" and "Mario will sell his soul for these!" was met by death stares from all four.

"If you vultures are finished we have to hurry."

Aeris cocked her head at Yazoo. "What's the rush? This display of brotherly love is endearing?"

"Lack of air supply." Kadaj wheezed.

Loz rolled his eyes exasperatedly, "If you three don't remember our Mothers are here. Both of them… one who wants to promote alternate lifestyles and the other an alien hell bent on world domination and the murder of our other mother and Aeris."

"Me? What did I ever do to the old bat!"

Yazoo grinned, "Besides beat up Seph here, who knows? Ow, deal Seph the girl has handed your ass to you more than once."

"Children now is not the time." Loz winced as Sephiroth's elbow hit him and not Yazoo. "Some help…"

The girls looked at each other before shrugging. Tifa clambered over them. "We got what we wanted anyways."

Quistis and Aeris grabbed some random body parts and began to pull as Tifa did the same from the other side. They kept tugging and a sudden pop was all the warning they got. Tifa found herself halfway across the room with Loz's head firmly embedded in her cleavage. While Quistis and Aeris both found themselves acting as pillows for the second time this morning, for Yazoo and Sephiroth instead of Tifa.

Tifa peeled Loz's head from her chest. "You mind?" His grin was all the answer she got.

Kadaj took in a lungful of air. "Sweet oxygen how I have missed thee!"

Quistis grunted "Why am I always the pillow?"

"Preaching to the choir." Aeris said and then proceeded to try to move the pair off of her and Quistis. "What do the pair of ye eat, you're both so heavy!"

Both brothers decided to help out and climbed off them. "It's not our weight it's the bloody leather and metal. I'll have you know we keep ourselves in shape."

"The least you could do is stop preening Yaz and help some ladies up."

Sephiroth snorted. "I don't see any ladies." He stared at their glares and offered a hand to Quistis who was closer, this resulted in a scuffle with Yazoo who decided to help her up too but Qusitis had hauled herself up.

"What the heck am I?" Quistis pulled Aeris to her feet.

Kadaj looked at her. "Neon pink."

Aeris growled in return. "Don't you lot have some Mother's to deal with."

All four looked at each other and then sprinted for the hall.

"Aww man, I'm gonna have to change I'm covered in Vaseline!!" Quistis tugged at her dress.

Aeris sighed at her own clothes and then started laughing at Tifa's top. "Looks like you made someone's morning."

All three laughed at the imprint of Loz's face on Tifa's shirt. "Let no one say I've never done a nice thing for him." With that they went to change before breakfast.

* * *

On their way to the hall they dragged everyone else out of their rooms and with them. They would have arrived sooner but Tidus had tied his and Cloud's shoes together and they kept tripping over each other. The scene that greeted them when they arrived was a rather tense one. Jenova and Lucy were sat as far apart at the same table as possible. The teachers sat at their own table, chatting quietly as Cid had threatened them with Bob for talking above a whisper due to his hang over. The janitors were throwing cereal into Rude's open and snoring mouth and Reno was currently asleep in his bowl sending up milk bubbles every so often. Vincent was nowhere to be seen, but seeing as he was a tiny kitten they figured the walk was too tiring for him. 

"So where to sit?"

"How about breakfast al fresco?"

"Woohoo fresh food woohoo!!"

"Uh they get dumber by the day."

Aeris, Tifa and Quistis grabbed their breakfast and snuck past the brothers to a different table. The others followed them and sent pitying looks at the four who were currently trying to get Jenova to release the knife and point it away from Lucy who was staring at the ceiling with rapt attention.

Lulu shuddered as Jenova made a grab for Masume. "Boy am I glad I am nowhere near her. She's vicious."

The others agreed.

Turning their attention from that table they started into their own breakfasts. Quistis took a large gulp of her coffee and sighed happily. "So does anyone remember anything from last night?"

Tifa crunched her face up thinking, while Aeris shrugged and continued to wolf down her scrambled eggs. Cloud, Tidus and Zell were arguing over the answer to the riddles on the back of the cereal box. Squall blinked at her while Garnet yawned.

Freya paused. "I think I remember there being a new drink in the Crypt but I can't be sure. Something about desperate times and Cid downed the first lot from then on everything is lost in a purple haze."

"Purple haze… purple haze why is that so familiar…" Tifa tapped her finger against her head then she glanced up at Lulu. "He wouldn't Lu that stuff is toxic it even has that hazard sign on it."

Lulu stared pointedly at Tifa, "So does everything else in that place. I'd say we now know what happened." At everyone's look she began to explain Vincent's latest drink to them and the story about how it was invented. It involved a plane, Reno, Rude, Cid and the Janitors. Bahamut winding up lost in a jungle and a rescue mission in which they ended up needing to be saved too.

* * *

Kadaj glanced wistfully at the other table as he heard them laugh at a story Lulu and Tifa were telling. 

Lucy beamed at the other table. "Are those your friends boys?"

"Eh, sure why not?"

"That's nice. Why aren't you eating with them?"

Loz, Kadaj and Yazoo were at a loss for words as to how to explain that leaving her alone and unprotected with Jenova would mean her death.

"What and miss the chance to spend some quality family time together." Sephiroth sarcastically replied he was still smarting from Jenova trying to touch Masume.

Jenova looked at him. "Aren't we just pleasant this morning. Kadaj eat everything on your plate, you need to build up your strength, you've gotten punier since last night."

"Humph 'snot my fault I was almost squashed by those lugs this morning."

Jenova raised an eyebrow at the snarky response. "Looks like someone's grown a backbone. It's about time. I knew Hojo should have added more arrogance to the mix but after Sephiroth's dose he was running low."

Yazoo sniggered, "That explains the God complex and holier than thou attitude."

Sephiroth shot him a venomous glare. "Well maybe he should have upped the dose of testosterone for you, femmeboy."

Loz chuckled at Yazoo's indignant look. "You're one to laugh he took one look at you and realized he put too much in. All brawn and no brains."

Lucy cut across Loz's reply. "Now boys be nice you're brothers you should all get along."

Jenova's lip curled. "Leave them at it woman. You and your lovey dovey crap always softening them up. My boys need to be strong. They're soldiers not pacifists."

"Jenny there's no need to put me down in front of the boys. I've told you before it hurts my feelings. Not to mention promotes feelings of hostility and negativity. That takes a while to crystal cleanse..."

Jenova rolled her eyes. _"Don't listen to her boys. Keep fighting it keeps you on your toes. Stupid hippy."_

"_Mother please. She is our other mother."_

"_She was always too soft on you. Don't think I was unaware of her letting you out of your rooms after I had punished you."_

"… so it's best if we just think calming thought and breathe deeply to expel and and all bad thoughts."

"_Silly woman. I don't know what he saw in her."_

"_Mother…"_

"_She's still alive isn't she? Your father made sure I signed a damn contract so I would not kill her."_

The brothers all sighed, this was only the beginning. Both Jenova and Lucrecia were more alike than they thought. Each possessed a stubborn streak that was impossible when you were against it. Their only hope was to keep Jenova happy with Martinis and Lucy from spending any alone time with Jenova, it was going to be a very long visit.

* * *

**_-Insert hopeful smiles- Please Read & Review._**


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